Moist Rub reporting.
FREETON, NJ – A man was apparently trapped in a city bus after the bus ran off the road and crashed into a twenty-foot garbage dumpster at 2800 South 24th Avenue. The driver and the seven other passengers safely exited the bus. When rescue workers arrived on the scene, they were able to enter the bus through the main door, which was not damaged, and escort the man, Turlock Gibble, age 46 from Bunville, off the bus, unharmed. When asked why he remained on the bus after the crash, Mr. Gibble replied, “This is not my stop.”
Green Black Box of Death
SUMMIT, IL – Searchers have recovered the “black box” from the wrecked 1991 Chevy Corsica that slid off I-55 Monday morning in heavy fog. The box -- which is actually off-green with a drawing of the entire Scooby Doo cast on the front panel -- contains critical information about the final minutes of the car’s journey and could prove crucial in determining why it plunged off the road early Monday morning. The front panel of the box had apparently been forced open in the impact, but NTSB officials were confident that the critical flight information in the box was intact. Although thorough ananlysis of the contents is just underway, preliminary review of the black box contents indicated half a ham and swiss sandwich, a diet Tab, and, in what may be the most revealing piece of data, a spent L’il Debbie snack cake wrapper, an NTSB spokesperson said.
The Perfect Ketchup
Sid F’er reporting.
WAXAHACHIE, TX – Local courier Jimmy Toncek recently lauded the service at the local Jack-in-the-Box after receiving the perfect number of ketchup packets for his fries on a recent visit to their drive-thru window. “I have to ask for ketchup every time I go through that durn place, and I usually get shorted on the ketchup or I get enough to last me through the next year. This time I didn’t even have to ask, and I had enough to dip every fry but not a speck more.”
Toncek often eats on the run, so drive-thru’s are most convenient to his schedule. His mobile office doesn’t have room to carry such condiments, as the interior of his ’86 Ford Ranger is often filled with important documents, maps and other tools of his trade. “She ain’t a pretty truck,” stated Jimmy, “but she gets me where I need to be.” He cited his recent Employee of the Quarter award as evidence of his reliability and efficientcy. His supervisor confirmed the honor, but also added that Toncek was the only courier that has worked at HotShot Messenger for the entire period.
Toncek wondered if the ketchup service was a result of a new management team at the local franchise, but hadn’t seen any “under New Management” banners hanging from the building. Calls to the restaurant confirmed that there have been no major changes to the management team, although Donna Schlemp was recently given the title of Assistant Shift Leader after six months of work as a team member. The manager that we spoke with believed this to be irrelevant, as Schlemp primarily works closing shifts during the week. Several team members that we spoke to on a recent visit said that the number of ketchup packets is an ongoing issue with most customers. Managers “continually rag” on the team to watch condiment costs, but it’s the frontline team that has to face the wrath of the ketchup hungry mobs each day.
It’s still unclear whether Toncek’s luck was of the pure dumb variety or if someone out there truly understands the importance of the condiment in each order. Toncek best summed it up saying, “I can’t tell you how it happened, but I will tell you that I’ll drive the extra 2 blocks to go to that drive-thru any day of the week.”
Hard To Swallow
Moist Rub reporting.
LA JOLLA, CA – Jenny Craig, one of the largest weight management service companies in the world, has promoted Monica Lewinsky to Vice President of Product Development. In the summer of 1999 Ms. Lewinsky, who is infamous for her inappropriate relationship with President Clinton, joined Jenny Craig as a spokesperson to promote a low-carb menu option intended to illustrate how “Jenny Craig Changes Lives.”
“It’s no secret that Monica was in desperate need for a change in her life at the time,” claims Patti Larchet, Jenny Craig’s President and Chief Operating Officer, “Since she had so much room for improvement, we figured it was a sure fire marketing plan.” “That is so not untrue,” agreed Ms. Lewinsky.
“To our delight,” adds Larchent, “we discovered Monica had a flare for developing innovative weight management techniques. Her only problem was that she had a habit of managing her weight at around 250 pounds instead of somewhere in a range healthier for her body type.” After her brief role as spokesperson, Lewinsky has spent the last seven years in the company as Chief Technician of Doughnut Procurement as a special assistant to the executive staff.
Lewinsky’s first weight management scheme allows the participants to eat as much food as they want. “The key is that all food should be swallowed whole,” swaggers Lewinsky. The philosophy assumes that since the food has not been broken down initially by chewing, most of it will not be able to be absorbed by the digestive system and will pass harmlessly through the bowels. “Humans weren’t meant to chew and have teeth,” Lewinsky told us, “that is why they’re always falling out. Besides, teeth get in the way sometimes.”
Jenny Craig plans to offer this novel weight management strategy to its clients this winter. Lewinsky anticipates, “At first, people will have to start out with something reasonable, like spaghetti. But with some coaching from Jenny Craig’s crack staff of weight management street professionals, they’ll be sucking down hot dogs, sausages, even full zucchini, like it’s a glass of water! If I can do it, anybody can!”
What’s next for this pioneer in the world of weight watching? “I don’t want to give too much away, but I’m leaning towards an all liquid protein plan.”
Sid F’er reporting.
TOOLEWAH, TN – Record numbers of town folk turned out for yesterday’s city council meeting after officials announced extremely high levels of hydrogen have been found in the city’s water supply. Recent test results uncovered by this publication under the Freedom of Information Act showed levels of over 66% were routinely measured. Resident Billy Halliday felt he spoke for everyone when he said, “I’m appalled that this information has not been disclosed to the residents of this town -- God almighty only knows how long this as been an issue.”
Indeed nobody seems to have an explanation for the hydrogen, but Mayor Monty Houston promised an investigation into the matter that has everyone on edge. “I mean, we use water for everything in this town,” stated Mabel Smarmont, citing drinking, cooking, bathing and even sanitation. “I’m afraid to use the stool in my own home for fear of the dang thing blowin’ up real good while I’m on it,” said Smarmont.
Only local science teacher, Oliver Huckley, seemed unaffected at the recent meeting, as he tried early on to assure the crowd that their stools are in no danger. These comments only served to arouse suspicion and incite the crowd. Said Halliday, “It’s because of so-called scientists and their mad experiments that our natural resources are being endangered.” He later forcefully proposed that the council should consider discontinuing the high school’s chemistry program, as that could only lead to the further introduction of dangerous levels of chemicals in our environment. The council promised to discuss it at the next meeting after further study. “Maybe all them jackasses with their fancy bottled water know something after all,” concluded Smarmont.