Next Greatest American Band 10/26

Well, shiver me timbers, the show didn’t get cancelled. I guess they didn’t make enough money yet to send Dicko Was His Name-o back to Australia yet. And since the American Idol studio is just sitting idle anyway, why not just see how this cookie crumbles.

After the obligatory intros (in which Dicko looked exactly like Darrell Hammond impersonating Bill Clinton), Tweedle-Dom asked John if he had any advice for the bands. I quote: “Just make sure you’re playing together, convey a message to your audience, and, uh, just dig down into it and bring it out onto the stage.” Thanks, John. I’m sure that was invaluable to the bands that were planning to half-ass it tonight.

Sheila E. was asked about the caliber of the bands. She decided to ignore the question, which should have been obvious since the judges picked them to move on to this round, and instead told us that they were diverse. Thanks, E.

Dicko explained the rules in Australian, but I think he said the bands would do a cover tune and an original. Or that they would down some Coppertone and perform as Aborigines. I’ll have to wait to find out.

The covers would all be Dylan tunes – not the tortured heartthrob from 90210, but the guy from the Wallflowers' dad. A bowling ball came down the road and knocked me off my feet, so let’s get this party started.

Denver & the Invesco Field Orchestra
Freight Train Blues - It didn’t sound like Denver had the blues. At best, like he had minor annoyance over their tour van getting caught at a railroad crossing.
One Time Show - It sounded like Freight Train Blues, except with your typical mindless big band lyrics. However, they were appropriate because I can’t see these boys doing more than one show before heading home.

The Hatch
It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue – Goddam these guys are annoying. I hit fast forward on the DVR.
Stretch Out The Time – Exponentially more annoying, and was about as memorable as a night of drinking Wild Turkey straight out of the bottle.

Light of Doom
All Along The Watchtower – I guess they were okay for a bunch of kids. Or pretty mediocre if they were a bunch of thirty something burnouts. Which they’ll be in twenty years. The fact that Jimi owned the song doesn’t help.
Eye Of The Storm – It sounded like a bad Iron Maiden cover band that was pissed off about an inaccurate Al Roker weather report.

The Likes Of You
Blowin’ In The Wind – Where did I go wrong in life in that I’m sitting home on a Friday night watching this?
Love and Gravity – You know what? I’ve run out of shit to say about these bands. I feel like I’m wasting your time the same way they’re wasting mine. You know how you’re hoping to read something somewhat amusing, but aren’t? That’s how I feel right now hoping to hear something tolerable. The only difference is that these bands think they’re the next Men At Work, but I’ll apologize for my writing. I’m sorry.

Rocket
Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door – Oh, how I wanted to like them. Really. After four pathetic bands before them I was ready to like them. I was so hungry that I would have been satisfied with a sandwich from a gas station. But it still sounded like dog piss.
Mean To You – The vocals are killing them. Girls can rock, but they aren’t doing their sisters any favors so let’s forget we ever heard them and go back to listening to The Donnas. Okay?

Cliff Wagner and the Old No. 7
Don’t Think Twice – They seem very likable and their style fit the Dylan tune like a pair of boxer briefs.
Old Fire – I’d love to sit around a bar and listen to them while drinking beer and eating peanuts. Unfortunately, I gave up drinking and I’m allergic to peanuts, but I wish them well.

The Muggs
Meet Me In The Morning – Very Zeppelinesque, except without all the crotch shots of Robert Plant. I dig them.
Slow Curve – Very Zeppelinesque. I dig them. Do you sense a pattern? The song kind of remains the same. I’d really just like to see them open for another band. Way better than when Skid Row opened for Guns n’ Roses.

Clark Brothers
Maggie’s Farm – I don’t know what kind of drugs Dylan used to do, but it certainly didn’t appear to be speed. But if he had given that a try, it might have sounded like the version these chaps threw down.
Billy The Kid – As much as I hate to say it, because I like these guys, they’d also be a fucking awesome opening band. But until they start mixing it up a bit, I’m not sure I could keep up with them for more than 40 minutes.

Tres Bien
Subterranean Homesick Blues – Here’s a Dylan tune I don’t mind, and I didn’t mind the cover, either. Somehow these boys have managed not to annoy me even though they’re very annoying. We’ll see how long my new tolerance initiative lasts.
Easy To Love Me – Ted Leo and the Pharmacistish without the edge. They should definitely be headlining weekend shows at a Division I college bar.

Franklin Bridge
Tangled Up In Blue –They rocked it, but to the point that it was unrecognizable. Like trying to find to find the banana in my morning smoothie.
Incredible – You know, it’s too bad more guys don’t knock off that hip hop gangsta crap and just choose to rock out like this instead.

Dot Dot Dot
Like A Rolling Stone – Please please please
Another Stupid Love Song – go far, far, far away.

Six Wire
Mr. Tambourine Man – The only thing worse than hearing a Dylan song that I don’t like is hearing a glam putz country band cover it. I wanted to shoot each one of them in the foot.
Good To Be Back – I could have sworn that they got kicked off the show last week after playing this song. I wanted to crack each of them over the head with a beer bottle.

So the shows ends and you’re supposed to vote for your favorite and then I guess a couple of them get kicked off. I’m not sure when and I don’t care enough to check. Someone get back to me on that. Thanks loads.