Thursday, January 31, 2008

The International Sand Registry

Just in time for Valentine’s Day and all of the other made up holidays and the non-made up ones, like Elephant Appreciation Day (Sept 22) that are sure to follow, and then follow again year after glorious gift buying year. Leper Pop imperiously announces our next ground breaking endeavor:


The International Sand Registry

You may already be familiar with the International Star Registry, where unsuspecting consumers are duped into paying hard earned cash for some pipe dream of immortality by having a star named after them. Our revolutionary International Sand Registry is similar to that, only loads better.

When you give the gift of sand grain naming, I will personally pick a grain of sand from the pile of sand left over from where my pool used to be, digitally photograph it and post it on the Internet for the world to see and enjoy. The loved one who is lucky enough to know you and receive such a wonderful gift can choose to name the grain of sand after xeself or make up a new name for it, which will also be posted on the Internet for the world to see. It is very important that the world sees. I don’t have to tell YOU that.

While having a star named after you seems like a romantic and momentous honor, there are some drawbacks to it that only naming a piece of sand instead can overcome. The Star Registry people claim that they will provide you coordinates to your star so you can view it with a telescope. Have you ever tried finding a specific star with a telescope? I have, and it sucks. The thing shakes all over the place. You move it a hair and you end up over shooting your star by a billion light years. When you try to focus in on the star you accidentally bump the telescope, sending it off another billion light years in some other direction. At best, you end up looking at some blurry piece of light that you hope is your star, but you are never sure it is yours. It’s not like they put a giant sign on it. And then your neck starts hurting and you just want to sit down. Do you even own a telescope? Yeah, maybe it’s up in the attic. Right.

Also, they don’t even let you pick which star you want. When I tried registering a star in my name, I asked them if I could have the Sun.
Moist Rubshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Moist Rubshine in my eyes can make me cry
Moist Rubshine on the water looks so lovely
Moist Rubshine almost always makes me high


They wouldn’t give it to me, even after I sang them the song. Apparently, Russia has already made a claim for it, just like they are doing with the North Pole for when the ice cap eventually melts.

Another thing to think about is that stars sometimes explode. What kind of a person gives you a gift that explodes? A psychopath, that’s what kind. Sand doesn’t explode. In fact, depending on the exact value of the Hubble constant, we don’t even know if the universe is going to continue to expand or come crashing down all around us in the big crunch. That will wipe out all of the stars. Using stars to immortalize somebody in gift form is quite a capricious gesture. This is why we post the named sand grains on the Internet, for all the world to see. The Internet will be around forever because it is on computers.

Finally, naming a star after somebody costs around fifty bucks. That’s a lot of cabbage to be throwing away into space. Wouldn’t you rather pay ten bucks to name a piece of sand? But if you act now, or act later or eventually, the important thing is that you act, we’ll name and immortalize the sand for a mere five dollars. That’s right, we here at Leper Pop are crazy. That is not a typo. Five bucks. Here is what we will deliver for the low, low, excruciatingly low price of ten bucks. What? Oh, that’s right, we said five. OK, we’ll make it five. We’ll never make any money at that price, but the important thing is helping people share love with one another. Here is what you get:
- a hand picked grain of sand, digitally recoded in pixilated brilliance

- an image of that grain of sand displayed on the Internet for all the world to see

- your loved one immortalized by the grain of sand, forever sharing
xe’s name or the name of your loved one’s choosing. Shit, we’ll even change the name later if your loved one wants us to.

- the security of knowing that that grain of sand is stored securely in my backyard protected by my two dogs and a fence.

- the peace of mind knowing that your loved one can always turn on the computer and visit their grain of sand whenever they feel like it, especially on those cold, lonely nights at the cyber café.

- our personal guarantee that the grain of sand is unique and special just like the person it is named after

- we’ll even send the grain of sand to your loved one for an additional delivery and handling fee.
That’s a lot of giving for ten bucks. I mean five bucks.

Here are testimonials and their grains of sand from some of our delighted potential customers:



I simply adore my grain of sand. It is on the Internet for all the world to see!
Carlos Barger
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I stare at my grain of sand all day long and think about how much my family loves me. I named mine “Kidney Stone”.
Missy Krakzyztic
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I spend all day hugging my computer monitor while it displays my grain of sand.
Bob Hondo
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My parents always told me I’d amount to nothing. Too bad I killed them before they could see my grain of sand.
Yarnell Bucksworth
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Uhhh, fellas, um, I think you gave me an acorn instead of a piece of sand.
Ursula Hampenstance
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My grain of sand, which I have named Barney, short for Barnacle, is the love of my life. I have taped rubber lips to my computer screen and kiss
it for hours before bed each night.
Tina Fey
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My sand looks kind of like a miniature bunny turd.
Greg Gregory
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Only ten bucks! I would have paid at least $11.38!
A. Job Viniscule


So, what are you waiting for? Start spreading the sand! This offer is good only while supplies last. We only have about 18 billion of them. If those run out, we may have to go to the beach.

6 comments:

del said...

OMG, I missed Elephant Appreciation Day last year!! It's in my calendar now. I won't make that mistake again. Thank you Mr. Rubshine!

lim said...

I loved this blog more than every grain of sand, on every beach, in the whole wide world.

ll said...

I must have my very own grain of sand! I MUST!!!!!


I think I'll name mine Sandy McSanderson.

It's a good thing you don't have cats. Your sand pile would have a few more chunky things in it than just acorns.

Gina said...

I want to marry you and your sand fortune, Mr. Moist Rub!

HR said...

What kind of a person gives you a gift that explodes? A psychopath, that’s what kind. If you didn't like the star I gave you, you could have just said so. And I'm a sociopath, not a psychopath, sand-hole.

lh said...

hr rocks!