Friday, February 01, 2008

Google This, Bastards

Google’s shares were down almost $50 today – over 8%. Good. They were getting a little too cocky anyway. Besides, I’m just bitter that I had decided the shares were overpriced when they went public at $85. They’re still over $500 even with today’s decline. But, hey, I love coming to work when it’s single digits and there is 8” of snow on the ground so who cares if that 600% return would have brought me a little closer to retirement. I can work another couple years. My minus 13% gain on Under Armour stock will help me reach my financial goals in about minus 27 years. But I digress.

I blew off Google because it was just a search engine to me. Sure, everyone was using it, but to me it was just a giant card catalog for the Internet. And last time I checked, my local librarians weren’t driving exotic cars to work. But that’s because libraries don’t sell advertising in their card catalogs. There’s an idea for all you cash-strapped municipalities that can’t figure out how to balance the budget without taxing the crap out of me. Sell advertising on your catalog searches. Someone looks up Stephen King and gets a link to buy or rent a DVD of the screen adaptation. The library gets some cash for the ad. The video store makes some cash on the sale or rental. The producers get royalties on the sale. And less wear and tear on those silly books. Winners all around in my trickle down economic stimulus package, all while increasing revenues for my local government. There’s my contribution to society – it’s all yours, free of charge. You’re not going to make any money collecting ten cents a day because Grandma Moses returned Tuesdays With Morrie a couple days late. But I digress.

Google earns 99% of its revenues from advertising. Sure, I saw the ads but I didn’t think anybody actually clicked on them. But I guess there are enough people with computers who are clicking on those ads like rats in a psych lab looking for a Scooby Snack, and thus making the people at Google very rich. And making the people that bought those shares at $85 a bit wealthier.

But that’s not the only reason I’m bitter about Google – it’s their not so subtle placement of ads in their mail program Gmail. When I go to Google and do a search for hot fudge bikini waxing, I understand if I get some ads for laser hair removal or the latest offering from Dairy Queen. But now Google is analyzing the content of my email and providing what they believe to be helpful links. Telling me, objectively, what they think I need in my life based on my communications with other boneheads in the world. On a recent email, I reviewed the sponsored links and the list was as follows:

5 Essential People Skills
Dale Carnegie’s Free Tips
End Your Procrastinating
Leadership Skill Coaching
Success/Life Coach

Really. Screw you, Google. You don’t think I have people skills? Well, yo mamas are all fat. And that’s fat with an “f” and not phat with a “ph”. You think I need to hear what some jagoff named Dale Carnegie has to say? He’s probably some loser living in a van down by the river. You think I need to stop procrastinating? You should be thankful that I do or else I would have ripped you when I got this email back on January 12th. I’ve been busy, okay, because I can’t motivate the people who work for me to do anything right and have to do it all myself. So back off. It’s not my fault I have a cruddy job and the stress in my life is overwhelming. Sitting in your little Silicon Valley ivory towers thinking you know what’s best for everyone. Well, you don’t. So just screw you, Google. Bastards.

Oh, by the way, this blog is hosted by Blogger, a Google company. So please click on our little, hidden, unobtrusive ad box somewhere down the page on the right so we can share in their wealth. Moist Rub informs me that we have earned $0.23 to date through the Ad Sense program. But I haven't seen my $0.115 yet and he's not answering my emails so he has obviously absconded with the funds. Bastard.

Ed. Note: I've just been informed by Moist Rub that telling people to click our ad violates our terms of service. So don't click our ad. Ever. It's dumb. Forget I even mentioned it. Besides, last I checked it was a link for a gentleman's club directory. You don't need that - just email me and I'll tell you where to go. Or just send me the $25 and I'll describe in great detail via return email the table dance I'd give you.


Moist Rub said...

Hey man, Google is gonna kill us. We aren't supposed to tell people to click on their dumb ads.

Now they are gonna send out their brute squad who will hunt us down, weed us out, and throw usda[fqeee[qjpefwwwwwwwwwwwww=qqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

Sid said...

Bah. Don't worry about it. Probably based on my burlesque post and reference to the great titty bars of Dallas, last I checked our ad link was for a directory of Gentleman's Clubs.

But I'll correct it just in case. I'd hate to get our blog reported and deleted.

Moist Rub said...

Sure, give in to The Man.

You pansy-ass.

del said...

I'll describe in great detail via return email the table dance I'd give you.
Photos. It's no good without the photos.

ll said...

Glass half full, Sid.

Glass half full.

(but I did hear that Dale Carnegie was an a-hole, if that helps)

HR said...

Google just wants you to be happy. Why is that so hard for you to believe?

lh said...

Or just send me the $25 and I'll describe in great detail via return email the table dance I'd give you.

You're charging for that now??!