Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Republican Illegal Immigrant Round Up

I don’t belong to a political party, but I have been paying attention, somewhat, to the political environment lately. And by “somewhat” I mean it doesn’t put me to sleep as much as it used to. So, I’ve learned some things.

One of the things I’ve learned is that Republicans hate illegal immigrants because they tend to vote Democratic because Democrats want them to be in this country in order to get more votes. I have no clue how illegal immigrants obtained that right, but, apparently, they have it. I haven’t been able to stay awake for long enough to learn more about it, but I certainly didn’t vote for that rule. I’m sure there are other issues behind this hate for illegal immigrants than just their ability to vote Democratic. The reason for the hate does not matter in reference to this topic. Personally, I don’t know why I have to suffer the laws of this country while the illegal immigrants don’t. It doesn’t seem fair. Maybe President W. Bush is an illegal immigrant. There have been plenty of times I wanted to make a right hand turn on a red light but couldn’t because of some fascist sign telling me I can’t (maybe we need more signs at the borders). Have you any idea how many speed dating sessions I’ve been late to because of my law-abidingness? But, I’ll whine about that on my own time, in the bar while I’m getting drunk and hugging men I don’t know. I’d prefer to hug the women but I’m tired of getting slapped and yelled at.

Consequently, Republicans want to pass more stringent laws regarding illegal immigration. This sounds like a good plan, but it is not necessary, especially since the current laws, if enforced, should be enough to alleviate the alien plague. If the Republicans looked deep inside themselves and took an inventory of their beliefs and the relationships between those beliefs, they would realize they already possess a characteristic that complements their hate for illegal immigrants that would lead to a solution to their problem. Republicans LOVE guns.

I propose that Republicans take those guns they love so much and use them to round up those illegal immigrants they hate so much. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas, Dorothy. There’s no place like get the hell out of our country. But your ruby slippers aren’t acts of legislation. They are semi-automatic firearms and vigilante justice. What good is having the right to bear arms if you can’t use those born arms to protect yourself for any connotation of the word “protect” you deem applicable? Don’t hang a gun over the mantle if you don’t intend to use it by the end of the story. It’s the ultimate exemplification of foreshadowing.

Once they have rounded up the illegals, the Republicans can drive them to one of our borders (I suggest the Alaska/Canada border) and force them out using their guns as incentive. They could even dress up like pirates and construct a plank for the unwanted to walk on while they are de-Americanified. Unfortunately, the transportation of these people might be pretty expensive because of the record high energy costs of late. Maybe they can ask Exxon to share some of their record high profits to subsidize the illegal immigrant exodus.

There is one problem with this plan, other than it is against the law (although I think Republicans are allowed to follow the president’s precedent by choosing which laws to take seriously or not). Some of the illegal aliens may be bearing arms themselves. If they are not going to abide by our immigration laws or our “don’t vote if you aren’t legal” law, what’s to stop them from toting illegal weaponry? That’s a bed made by the Republicans in which they will have to figure out a comfortable way to sleep. I can’t solve all of their problems.

After the country is sufficiently exterminated of unlawful pests, the Republicans can use their rightful arms to patrol the borders, adopting a shoot on sight philosophy. That should keep those bastards out.

You see, the problem isn’t that foreign people take advantage of our ineffective legal system. The problem is that Republican people are not willing to act on their beliefs. They expect others to take care of problems for them. You have to do more than just vote in modern day America if you want something done. The effectiveness of your single vote is so watered down by our political process that it’s like trying to ward off a hurricane by tickling an ant’s belly. You must get involved, and kill immigrants, if necessary.

From reading this, you may think I am against Republicans. If so, you are wrong. I am not against them, not any more than I am against political parties in general. But, I am disappointed in them for not living up to their own expectations, and I want to help them. It is a lack of conviction that is their bane in this case. I suspect Democrats suffer a similar affliction in that regard, but I don’t know for sure. It’s not like one of them has confronted me in the street to physically take money out of my pocket to give to an illegal immigrant. Maybe they would if they had any balls. I haven’t been able to stay awake long enough to peg their bag yet. I trust I will eventually.


Gina said...

Moist, you should be on both FoxNews and MSNBC.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

HR said...

That whole paragraph around Dorothy is brilliant. Really. Wow.

dale gribble said...

Personally I think he should be on the Discovery Channel. I've never seen an ant get tickled.

del said...

I guess I need to rewatch The Wizard of Oz. I missed the scene with Dorothy and her rifle. She should have blasted those darned flying monkeys.