Times are tough. Here at Leper Pop we sincerely hope that you are successfully weathering our economic tsunami better than that model who ended up in the tree with a broken hip. If you’ve fallen on hard times, remember that your local library offers free internet access from which you can continue reading Leper Pop to keep your spirits up while Biff Henderson sorts this whole mess out. If you’re fortunate to have a job at a stable company like AIG, perhaps you’re wondering what to do with the large bonus you have just received. Allow me to make a few suggestions.
You might think I’m going to direct you to the links on the right where you can buy your very own Leper Pop t-shirt. Don’t do that. I’ve worn one out in public and it only leads to ridicule and premature ejaculation. Not always in that order.
Instead think about giving to others. In case you’re not sure of the best place to direct those extra bonus dollars might I suggest Feed The Children? I checked out their website and a donation of $10 will “help keep their caravan of trucks on the road!”
Hold on. I don’t drive very often, but the Mrs. has been out there on the roads and from what I hear the last thing we need to be doing is funding any caravan of trucks to add to the congestion. That certainly doesn’t sound very good for the environment, either. Especially since local stores already appear to be stocked with foodstuffs and Little Debbies, and there appears to be no shortage of fast food joints anywhere I’ve traveled across the country. They even have value menus!
So why not take that $10 over to the Crustacean Records website and order the new Von Ehrics CD? If you’re a regular around here, you know I love these guys like brothers from whom I was separated at birth and never really knew. But that doesn’t mean I love them any less than if I had grown up to be honky-tonk metal bad-asses like them. But in case I haven’t already convinced you, let me list the reasons why investing $10 in their new record is a good idea and why I’ve already done it.
Your purchase supports a small business like Crustacean. I was watching CNBC today because I’m a dork, but that also makes me an expert on economic matters, and 70% of new jobs these days are created by small business. That means you are helping reduce unemployment. More people with jobs means less need for caravans of trucks on the road delivering free food to hungry children. Fewer caravans mean a shorter commute for you and less pollution.
Crustacean never sued you after you got drunk and downloaded those Barry Manilow tunes.
Crustacean supports bands like The Von Ehrics. It’s trickle down economics – The Von Ehrics subsequently take to the road stimulating the regional economies from Texas to New York with their purchases of whiskey and beer from local merchants. Those sin taxes are also some of the highest around, so they’re also filling the dwindling state coffers so that your schools stay open. You do want your kids to get an education, don’t you?
Free shipping. It’s not even like that Amazon scam where you need to spend $25 to get free super saver shipping. You don’t even have to search the internet for a coupon code. Who has time for that? You don’t. You can use the extra time and saved shipping cost to take a cooking class to learn how to make stuff wrapped in bacon. Everyone loves stuff wrapped in bacon. You can have a party and serve that stuff you learned how to wrap in bacon and all your friends will love you. You don’t want to die lonely, do you?
But that’s not all! Free stuff! It’s a recession so you need to spend your money wisely. Order now and you’ll get free stickers, free buttons and a sampler CD. I’m not sure what the stickers or buttons say on them, but imagine the excitement when you open the package! It’ll be like Christmas in March! Except without all the lame holiday music – instead you’ll get some great surprise tunes from the Crustacean catalog that I guarantee will be better than hearing Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. You do love your Grandma, don’t you?
Or you could just order the damn CD because somebody needs to take a stand against Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and Daughtry and American Idol and Britney Spears and everything else that is wrong with our world. You can do that. And The Von Ehrics are here to help.
If you don’t trust me, go preview the CD on iTunes. You can even download it there for $9.99 if you’re one of those future people who listen to music on your computers and pod devices.
And finally, if your stereo or computer doesn’t go to 11, The Von Ehrics are hitting the road next month and I can assure you that their amps do hit 11. I’ll be at the Chicago show at Quencher’s Saloon on April 17th. Stop by and say hello and I’ll buy you a sarsaparilla.