Tanka: A Covid Collection

  For Arm

When I learned about
The Mobile Wad of Henry
I could not help but
Consider masturbation
As employment for said wad.

Sid Party

Life as you know it
Began this date years ago
Making it a cause
To celebrate, I suppos,
I don't know, give it a shot.

Domestic Drudge

Rip the cord to start
The engine in order to
Molest the verdure,
Grooming for affectation
Despite brown blotches and weeds.

Wade

When the lines between
Isolation, solitude
And loneliness blur
To a point beyond meaning,
Dude, lighten up a bit. Jeez.

Immune-mediated Polyarthritis

Lurking paw to paw
The burgeoning gimp reckoned
Eight hundred dollars
Would persuade its departure
And the return of butt rubs.

Pledge Drive

Distended left eye
Paired with a sharp nasal ramp
Posed in silhouette
Scared the boy through the window
And creeps out the man today.

Better Education Through Competion

I learned the word "squiz"
Today, as it scored me one
Hundred, thirty-nine
Words With Friends points against Pat.
Take a quick, close look at THAT!

Industriousness

A five drawer chest
Puzzled together without
Yelling, cussing and
Moaning, patience being the
Optimal tool for the job.

Cobras

Friday dance parties
With imbibing friends online
Where chat serves as dance
While sharing music motif'd
Highlight my quarantined weeks.

Misty Watercolor

I don't remember
Much from American Lit
High school junior year,
But I do know that the moon
Was a ghostly galleon.

Incubation

Like a corrupted
Cucumber yields a pickle
So, too, hopefully,
My own corruption fosters
Something as spectacular.

Abstention For No Particular Reason

Dabbler at most,
Reminded by four twenty,
Four months since The Man
Graciously granted the grass
I have not yet partaken.

Source Unremembered

A family of
Six yellow-bellied marmots
Moved next door to me
And chucked small rocks at my house
Until I asked them to stop.

Advice Column

If you want to slice
Gravy, for better results,
Chill it, otherwise,
You won't know which slice is which
And then you will feel silly.

They Don't Even Know It

Oh, it is posted
On the Internet, and it
Defends my beliefs,
Biases, prejudices,
And fears, so it must be true

Perusing a Map

Hand feeding fish at
Ned's Beach on Lord Howe Island,
Here fishy, fishy...
DRYER BUZZER BUZZING, AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!
Gotta go fold laundry now.

Alphabetical Almost Order

A b c d e
F g h i j k l
M n o p q
R s t u v x y
And z, w got lost.

I'm Not a Busy Man

I'm a busy man
These days, so I've adopted
The time saving plan
To start projects at the end
So I complete them faster.

True Friendship

My favorite pair
Of shoes knows where I have been,
Has holes where I've failed,
Wore away their soles for me,
And smells pretty damn nasty.

Back Cover Propaganda

Until yesterday
I never considered the
Concept of splendid
Monographs when a blurbed book
Review poisoned me with it.

Gertrud Bandera

Dear Trudl, with your
Expressive countenances
So well captured in
Sketches by Kokoschka, I
Wonder if you are dead now.

Would It Now

Travelling on a
Weather balloon deep inside
The Congo River
Basin would be a better
Trip on a barometer.

Somebody Should Be, Anyway

Brushing out the frog,
I am brushing out the frog,
Brushing out the frog,
I am brushing out the frog,
Brushing out the frog, I am.

Quite A Leap

Naturally, when
I broke my wrist, my thinking
Dripped of Tiktaalik
Then evolved to concerns for
My career in pro tennis.

Adaptation

Sometimes, depending
On the configuration
Of the food on the
Plate or in the bowl, I need
To change my grip on the spoon.

I Went To Class That Day

For subjunctive mood
My grammar professor said
(Wait, they have grammar
Professors?)(Apparently)
"Was" or "were" are both correct

A Peeve

I have (don't you hate
When people say more in their
Parenthetical
Note than they say in their main
Statement?) nothing much to say.

We Never Did Meet Up

Opioid-induced
Constipation really takes
The nifty out of
Being hopped up on the goop
With all my cool druggie friends.

Etiquette

Having just eaten
Doritos I won't afflict
You by mouth breathing,
But please forgive me if my
Nose breath reeks of farina.

Perspective

I've lived through lost jobs,
Lost loved ones, lost romances,
Lost hopes and dreams, yet
I've never been so sad as
When all the cookies are gone.

More Map Perusing

What is going on
In the cold edge of Svalbard,
Skerries all around,
And should we be concerned with
Not hearing about it more?

Predatory Comeuppance

Beaked with worm, mother
Robin searches for her nest,
Razed by landscaping,
Her chicks surely to suffer
A fate not unlike the worm.

Dictionary Reading

Having three stomachs
Was the only struthious
Attribute he had,
Forcing him to feign to be
Vulnerable by default.

For The Many

Forced under a rock,
To save the organism
Of which I'm a part,
It has become my refuge
From which I may not emerge.

For Gabriela

Tehuacán Valley
Berries reposed in a bowl
Assuage a frenzy
Provoked by war that threatens
Those berries' ubiety.

Can't Say I Didn't Enjoy It

I ate four ears of
Corn for lunch the other day
Then after a while
My effort was rewarded
By a big, fun explosion.

Self Awareness

You may have noticed
I have not been composing
Tanka poetry
As much as I've been writing
Thirty-one dumb syllables.

Generational Amnesia

Pre-schools should teach the
Archimedes' principle
Of buoyancy so
These kids today can employ
Bathtub filling discipline.

Fooling Nobody

Avatar here and
Avatar there, depicting
People in cartoon
Facsimile, yet they seem
To exclude fat and wrinkles.

No Much Passion

Lolled by gluttony
Reading for inspiration
Finding not one mote
Left me empty in noggin,
With a paunch full of regret.

Formulaic Movie Review

If I like the boy
And I like the girl, I'm glad
To see them end up
Together by the end of
The movie, and the nude scenes.

200 Left To Remember

Malleus incus
Stapes, malleus incus
Stapes, malleus
Incus stapes, repeat this
To memorize the ear bones.

Homophonic Folly

Oh picadita,
Kind sope, delectables
Atop pinched masa,
What if the masa was soap
Would you bestow bubbly farts?

That What Makes Each Special

I shan't glove my hand
To prevent petty dastards
From maliciously
Mocking my double distal
Interphalangeal crease.

Waste of Time

Throughout our lives, most of us are faced with at least one decision that will forever completely change the course of our future. I was faced with one of those decisions today. I didn’t quite know how to approach it. The potential outcomes for each option were unclear. I had no prior experience in the situation to help guide me. All I could do was wing it and hope for the best.

It looks like I made the wrong decision, and my life will never be the same again. My life is pretty much going to suck from here on out. See, what happened was….



Excuse me, I have to take this call…




Hello*.





Yes, ma’am, it is.





I’m not dead, if that’s what you mean.





A survey? Sure, I have absolutely nothing better to do.





Why do you want to know that?





Oh. OK, continue.





Hillary.





Yes, I’m serious.





It’s about time we got a chick in the White House.





Yes, I understand she’s a horrible bitch, but she can’t be any worse than the people with penises have done running the country.





Yes, I believe having a penis has influenced them very much.





Well how would you know, do you have a penis?





Then you really don’t know what you are talking about, do you? Do not judge a man until you have walked a mile while dangling his penis.

Yes, I'm sure that's how the saying goes.

Of course, with one of those you can get as many penises as you want.

Nevermind.




Are there any other questions on this survey?





OK, shoot.





Yes. I pluck my arm hair out while I’m sitting on the toilet.





I never said it was a GOOD hobby.





The soothing sound of boiling water.





Ear cushions.





Scabs.





More scabs.





Potential scabs.





Yes, you can interpret that as open wounds. Even unharmed skin, depending how broad of the term “potential” you’d like to use.





Ah, that’s easy – Hillary, again.





I know she’s not a professional baseball team.





I can TOO answer Hillary.






It doesn’t matter. Are you really interested in finding out my thoughts on these questions or would you just like to answer the rest of the questions yourself? I’d be happy to hang up the phone and get back to my busy day of not being on the phone.





That’s fine. Go ahead.





Floyd Rose





I have a tie for that one. Can I give two answers?





The Angry Beavers and Petticoat Junction.





I use the trilogical method of a pop metal hit, then the power ballad followed by the power cover song.





I don’t know what you mean.





I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.





No, it isn’t.





What?





Um…





Hey, could you please call me back tomorrow?





Yes. Around noon. And I may want to change some of my answers, so we’ll start from the top.





You, too. Thanks for calling.





Good-Bye, Grandma Kooschnik.




I'm back. Sorry about that. But you all know phone calls are very important. Now, where was I? I don’t remember. Oh, well. I hope I haven’t wasted your time.













*Note: I usually speak in brown when I'm on the phone.

April Serious Day

Today is April Fool's Day. I've been a fool all my life, so today, I choose to be serious for a change. I'm going to watch CNN and read some medical journals. I will be concerned with the plights of my fellow human beings. This is very serious.

Oh, look, a can of nails on the floor. I better pick that up and put it away so nobody gets hurt.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!

AUGH!

AUGH!

IT'S AN EXPLODING CAN OF NAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I FELL FOR IT!!!!!!!!

WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I???????

Sing it with me, Frank...

What kind of fool am I, who never not picked up an exploding can of nails?
It seems that I'm the only who can hear my tortured wails.
What kind of man is this? An empty shell, a bloody face
In which an empty heart must pump blood out nail holes of disgrace?
What kind of lips are these that are ripped from my head?
That whispered empty words of seriousness that left me dripping bloody red ?
Why can't I have a nailless face like any other man?
And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am.
What kind of nails are these? What do I know of where they’ve been?
Why can't I go back in time and not pick up the can once again?
Why can't I stop the bleeding, my face is a raw, split-open and still on the pig ham.
And maybe I'll know what kind of fool I am.

In the Depps of Fandom

Good news! Johnny Depp is in the area filming a movie. I think it’s the sequel to Johnny Dangeously called Johnny Dangerouslier. I’ve never met a veritable cinematic superstar before, so I decided to brave the wilds of northwest Indiana and make my way to Crown Point (about 40 miles away from me for those of you cartographing at home). I was excited to be ON LOCATION, at the Old Lake County Courthouse, with Johnny Depp!

When I got to the set, I was impeded by a sea of starry-eyed, maniacal teeny boppers, throngs of delusional middle-aged women, and a handful of creepy guys such as myself. It took me about an hour to squirm my way to the police barricade at the front of the crowd. Searching for somebody that looked official-like, I saw a guy wearing a hat and playing with the movie clapper board, as if he was trying to squash bugs on his lips with it. Thinking quick, I put my car keys in my hand, jumped the barricade and crawled clandestinely to him. I showed him my hand with the keys and told him I was the replacement key grip. He seemed suspicious, so he made me grab his crotch real hard to test my gription dexterity. I passed the test. He gave me a pass and told me to “git along”.

“Grip your key, sir” I offered to other movie makers as I walked around the set looking for Johnny Depp. Eventually, I found him, drinking a flax seed oil milk fizz, sitting in a pup tent next to a lighting rig. He was alone so I entered his tent. Before I could say anything, he told me that he didn’t have any keys. “That’s OK, Johnny, I was just hoping you’d autograph my chest.”

He didn’t autograph my chest. Nor would he kiss my baby. Nor would he read an old scene of 21 Jump Street with me (where I would play Holly Robinson’s character, Officer Judy Hoffs). Nor would he not have me arrested.

I don’t know what office this joker is running for or why so many people are interested in looking at him while he's trying to do his job (nobody looks at me while I'm working), but I certainly won’t vote for him. As they dragged me off the set with a traffic cone enhancing the end of my digestive system, I looked back and saw Johnny Depp standing there, bowing with his hands together in prayer formation. I didn’t know he was so religious. Had I known, I would have kissed HIS baby.

Stupid Question

SQ: Would one piss "on" the sun or "in" the sun?

SA: This is not a question of grammar as it seems to be. This is a question of physics. I believe the piss would be vaporized before it had a chance to get "on" or "in" the sun. So whether it is "on" or "in" is immaterial. For the sake of argument, let's say you have magical piss, the non-vaporizing sort. Since the Sun is gaseous the piss would be engulfed into it, like liquid to a sponge. But we do not piss "in" sponges, unless we cut a hole in it and stick the source of micturition into it (I'm sure we are all familiar with this practice) (Forgive me, ladies, I have no idea how women do it. I guess they just sit on it and go? Please enlighten me.) Rather, we piss "on" sponges, even though the piss ends up "in" the sponge. So, if we look at it that way, I would say that "on" would be the correct preposition when the object of pissing is the sun. Then again, sponges are not gaseous, like the sun, so this analogy may have some holes in it.

However, since the sun is so gravitationally endowed, we would neither have to piss "in" nor "on" the sun to achieve the desired result. All we would have to do is piss "in the vicinity" of the sun, and its gravity would pull the piss into it, assuming we are not closer to another source of gravity that is stronger, whether it be by proximity or by mass or some combination of both [see Newton: Fg=G*m1m2/r2]. For example, you can't do it standing on the Earth, unless your piss velocity was greater than the escape velocity demanded by Earth's gravity, which is approximately 25,000 miles per hour (ignoring air friction, as we oft do). I measured my piss velocity, with a full bladder, and the muzzle velocity was negligible, but it did accelerate at 9.8 meters per second squared as it dripped to the floor. (Does Romco make a urinary tract de-clogger? I hope it works on metal shavings.) But wait, Moist, what if you got a running start, could you increase your piss velocity to exceed Earth's escape velocity? Or maybe have another beer to get more bladder pressure? Well, curious one, those are stupid questions for another day. But, I will tell you, from past experience, having another beer is usually a good idea, and peeing while running without wetting your trousers takes some talent to achieve. We'll assume that the human body is not capable of pissing faster than 25,000 miles per hour. If you know anybody that can surpass that speed, I'm sure NASA would like to meet that person.

Let us take what we have learned and apply it to the real world. Say you had a fight with the sun, or the sun burned your nipples too much, or maybe the sun heated your car and you fried your ass on your black, vinyl seats, or whatever, and you are holding a grudge against it. One day, you were speaking to a cohort and the subject of the sun came up, and you expressed your unfavorable feelings about it using a version of an appropriate jibe. Instead of saying, "I wouldn't piss on/in the sun even if it were on fire", you would say, "I wouldn't piss in the vicinity of the sun, assuming I wasn't closer to a relatively stronger source of gravity to which my piss velocity could not conquer its gravitational requirements, even if it were on fire."

As you can see, when answering a stupid question, other stupid questions emerge. What can humans do to increase their piss velocity? Can that piss velocity be increased enough to match Earth's escape velocity? How do women piss in sponges? Why are so many people pissing in sponges? Why isn't "gravitationous" a real word? Do you think Newton actually discovered gravity while trying to piss on the sun, but chose to promote his discovery with that apple story because it was more socially acceptable? Did he accept money from the apple growers lobby? Or was Newton pissing in a sponge? What kind of person holds a grudge against the sun? Is NASA looking for people with strong pissing velocities? How about drippers? Is the sun actually on fire, or is it of fire (as in a ball of fire)? There are countless others. The point is that all new knowledge brings about new questions, which leads me to believe that we have indeed answered this stupid question.

If you have a stupid question you would like Leper Pop to answer, please send that question to leperpop@yahoo.com, attention Amanda Hugginkiss. Who knows, maybe it will become a recurring bit.