It looks like I made the wrong decision, and my life will never be the same again. My life is pretty much going to suck from here on out. See, what happened was….
Excuse me, I have to take this call…
Yes, ma’am, it is.
I’m not dead, if that’s what you mean.
A survey? Sure, I have absolutely nothing better to do.
Why do you want to know that?
Oh. OK, continue.
Yes, I’m serious.
It’s about time we got a chick in the White House.
Yes, I understand she’s a horrible bitch, but she can’t be any worse than the people with penises have done running the country.
Yes, I believe having a penis has influenced them very much.
Well how would you know, do you have a penis?
Then you really don’t know what you are talking about, do you? Do not judge a man until you have walked a mile while dangling his penis.
Yes, I'm sure that's how the saying goes.
Of course, with one of those you can get as many penises as you want.
Are there any other questions on this survey?
Yes. I pluck my arm hair out while I’m sitting on the toilet.
I never said it was a GOOD hobby.
The soothing sound of boiling water.
Yes, you can interpret that as open wounds. Even unharmed skin, depending how broad of the term “potential” you’d like to use.
Ah, that’s easy – Hillary, again.
I know she’s not a professional baseball team.
I can TOO answer Hillary.
It doesn’t matter. Are you really interested in finding out my thoughts on these questions or would you just like to answer the rest of the questions yourself? I’d be happy to hang up the phone and get back to my busy day of not being on the phone.
That’s fine. Go ahead.
I have a tie for that one. Can I give two answers?
The Angry Beavers and Petticoat Junction.
I use the trilogical method of a pop metal hit, then the power ballad followed by the power cover song.
I don’t know what you mean.
I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.
No, it isn’t.
Hey, could you please call me back tomorrow?
Yes. Around noon. And I may want to change some of my answers, so we’ll start from the top.
You, too. Thanks for calling.
Good-Bye, Grandma Kooschnik.
I'm back. Sorry about that. But you all know phone calls are very important. Now, where was I? I don’t remember. Oh, well. I hope I haven’t wasted your time.
*Note: I usually speak in brown when I'm on the phone.