Monday, May 12, 2008

The Leper Pop Man Up Challenge – Part 4

The majestic wetlands of Bacon Swamp in Indiana provide a glorious backdrop to today’s Man Up action. The fervor amongst our contestants is growing like water-logged legume cast over a field of Portuguese Prickly Juniper plants. Even dock workers and medical waste handlers are tuning in to see what happens as the men-hopefuls take on skills 26 – 35.

Moist Rub leads 14 ¼ to 11 over Sid F’er, who was a heavy pre-challenge favorite. Could we be seeing the biggest upset since Walter Mondale chose Geraldine Ferraro over Bob Hope as his running mate in 1984?

If you have no clue what we're talking about, click here to catch up.

A man should be able to:

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.

Sid: Who has time for fishing? I’m busy driving cheap nails into treated 2x4s, giving advice, learning how to tie a bow-tie, making drinks for a battalion, practicing Spanish, learning the breaststroke, hitting on supermodels, taking pictures, cutting down trees, reading, writing letters, throwing punches, and stalking Derek from the Bay City Rollers. I wonder if he likes fishing… (0 points)

Moist Rub: If I’m going to kill a fish, I’m going to do it like a man and use a hammer. Having said that, who the hell shrieks and sighs while fishing? What kind of girlie-men is Tom Chiarella hanging out with? But, I’ve got nothing against fish, except that they taste like fish, so I’ll take a zero. (0 points)

27. Play gin with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. They'll drown you in meaningless chatter, tell stories about when they were kids this or in Korea that. Or they'll retreat into a taciturn posture designed to get you to do the talking. They'll note your strategies without mentioning them, keep the stakes at a level they can control, and change up their pace of play just to get you stumbling. You have to do this -- play their game, be it dominoes or cribbage or chess. They may have been playing for decades. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they've learned without taking a lesson. But don't be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.

Sid: It’s bad enough that my mother-in-law kicks my ass in Scrabble. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Here is a peek at my arsenal: “Are you still alive?” “I think one of your balls just leaked out of your sock.” “Is somebody tap dancing on bubble wrap or are you reaching for a card?” “Wake up, Methuselah, the great flood is a comin’!” “CRAZY EIGHTS!” “You got time left in your life to beat me again?” I can handle the old dudes. (1 point)

28. Play go fish with a kid. You don't crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don't be afraid to win. They can handle it.

Sid: “No, I don’t have any eights, but I did tell you about Uncle Sid’s threesome with a dead hooker and a washed up showgirl from Circus Circus?” I don’t get to play with my sister’s kids anymore. (0 points)

Moist Rub: I’m supposed to talk their ears off? You just told me in Skill 8 not to monopolize the conversation. What is this, Wonka, some kind of funhouse? I think you’re trying to turn me into that old dude with the ball leaking socks from the last question. I won’t have it! Oh, I’ve taught my kids a lesson when playing Go Fish, alright. And that lesson is, don’t play cards with Dad. And if you consider stabbing me in my sleep “handling defeat”, sure, they can handle it. (1 point)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. Sometimes the laws of physics aren't laws at all. Read The Quantum World: Quantum Physics for Everyone, by Kenneth W. Ford.

Sid: If I understood quantum physics I wouldn’t have failed physics in college. Instead, I would have been a physicist and spent my career in cool labs playing with particle accelerators and writing fancy equations on white boards instead of sitting on the phone arguing with insurance adjusters. If they’re European adjusters I’ll be sure to mention that soccer sucks. (0 points)

Moist Rub: I can accept that a quarter might pass straight through a table, but what I am uncertain about is both the quarter’s momentum and its position. And I think somebody collapsed a wave function on my ass once in a bar. (1 point)

30. Feign interest. Good place to start: quantum physics.

Sid: I used to feign interest. It was also a pretty good skill when I dated waitress/actress types. Now I’m married and also realize that my life is too short to pretend to understand or care about stuff that I really don’t. However, if you dumb down the quantum physics stuff a bit and throw it on the Discovery Channel I’ll probably watch if The Office is a rerun. (0 points)

Moist Rub: If it wasn’t for feigned interest, I’d have no interest at all. I once listened to an insurance salesman talk about the finer points of indemnification for four hours just so he’d pay for my burrito. Do you think I was actually interested in indemnification? I was interested in a free burrito, boy howdy! (1 point)

31. Make a bed.

Sid: Dial 0 for housekeeping. (1 point)

Moist Rub: No. (0 Points)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. I once stood in a wine store in West Hollywood where the owner described a pinot noir he favored as "a night walk through a wet garden." I bought it. I went to my hotel and drank it by myself, looking at the flickering city with my feet on the windowsill. I don't know which was more right, the wine or the vision that he placed in my head. Point is, it was right.

Sid: Odds are you paid too much for that bottle, you pretentious snob. (1 point)

Moist Rub: “This bottle of wine is getting me so fucked up, I think I’m living in a poem recited by a liquor store clerk.” (1 point)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. It's not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women. Make the angle of your cue steeper, aim for the bottommost fraction of the ball, and drive the cue smoothly six inches past the contact point, making steady, downward contact with the felt.

Sid: I took billiards in college and got a B. Yep, I was such an awesome student that I even fucked up the blow-off classes. You may assume correctly that I missed the day we covered jump shots. (0 points)

Moist Rub: The last time I made contact with the felt, I was kicked out of the pool hall. Any woman that is impressed with your jump pool shot is probably going to give you something to scratch in your pants. Thanks, but I’ll stick with my quadruple bank table scratch. (0 points)

34. Dress a wound. First, stop the bleeding. Apply pressure using a gauze pad. Stay with the pressure. If you can't stop the bleeding, forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Once the bleeding stops, clean the wound. Use water or saline solution; a little soap is good, too. If you can't get the wound clean, then forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Finally, dress the wound. For a laceration, push the edges together and apply a butterfly bandage. For avulsions, where the skin is punctured and pulled back like a trapdoor, push the skin back and use a butterfly. Slather the area in antibacterial ointment. Cover the wound with a gauze pad taped into place. Change that dressing every 12 hours, checking carefully for signs of infection. Better yet, get to a hospital.

Sid: Real men use super glue. (1 point)

Moist Rub: Let me get this straight. To do this I will need a gauze pad, saline solution, soap, a butterfly bandage, antibacterial ointment, another gauze pad, tape and material to change the dressings. Who do you think I am, Batman? I don’t have a utility belt to carry all that stuff in. Maybe I should carry a purse to keep all of those supplies with me. Will that get me any skill points in the Man Up challenge? How about this, I’ll tie my sock around the wound, finish the game and then go to the hospital if the beer doesn’t make the pain go away. (0 points)

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).

Sid: No problem, but it’s always a little more exciting if you know how to throw off a few sparks and add a touch of recklessness to the experience. (1 point)

Moist Rub: I like to act out King Lear while I jump start a car. I change flat tires while balancing on a high wire over a tank of sharks. If I change the oil only once, I’m going to have to buy a new engine in a few months. Nonetheless, I’m taking a point for this one. (1 point).

Thus concludes a very special Mother’s Day hangover episode of Round 4. Too much lovin’ mothers yesterday, but our man-uppers stepped up to the challenge, grabbed their boot straps and tripped over a grief-stricken turtle. They’ll lie there until tomorrow’s action.


Sid F'er: 15

Moist Rub: 20 ¼

go to Part 5


lim said...

First of all, that is one rockin' chin.

ll said...

Second of all...

"It’s bad enough that my mother-in-law kicks my ass in Scrabble."

I'm beginning to think your mother-in-law could kick your ass at just about anything.

I must admit, however, that I am on the edge of my seat for each new installment.

Rock on, you "manly" men!

keysunset said...

ROTFLOLMAO!! Y'all are cracking me up with this stuff!

And I'm STILL loving the cartoons!

Thanks, guys.

LA Ray said...

You guys aren't getting many points.