Survey the Stupidity

Why do people care about Ashlee Simpson?

I took a Surveys course in college. I figured learning how to conduct surveys would be a good way to stay in touch with the little people of the world throughout my life. You know, find out what’s rattling around in their simple little heads? Unfortunately, the instructor was a bit too fervent with glee about the topic, and the other students were right there with him. Think of Lane Meyer’s (John Cusack) math class in the farcical movie Better Off Dead (I’m real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky). Plus, it seemed like a lot of work. A lot of work was not of my ilk back then. I dropped the course after two class sessions. But I did learn a sufficient amount about surveys for my purposes.

I decided to conduct a survey about Ashlee Simpson. I’ve seen many “news” stories about her crossing the wire lately (Yahoo) (I should really rid myself of Yahoo) (I got nowhere else to go!) (OK, enough with the movie quotes) (Incidentally, I took the last quote from Wayne’s World 2, who took it from An Officer and a Gentleman). She’s getting married, she got married, she got knocked up, she’s adding more fiber to her diet, she bought a ping pong paddle, she rubs the ping pong paddle on her fetus-laden belly because the friction of the bumpy rubber of the paddle on her skin is supposed to send genius vibes to the baby, etc. Where does it end? Better yet, why did it start? She is the epitome of the manufactured celebrity. Between the nose job, the lip syncing, the obvious lack of talent and the fact that she’s never been in a boy band, why are people buying her act? Who are these people? Hence, my survey.

My survey consisted of one primary question and a follow-up question for those who answered incorrectly.

Q: Do you give a crap about Ashlee Simpson?

FU-Q: Why the hell do you give a crap about Ashlee Simpson?

I created a database to store and analyze the data I intended to collect. But, after the third subject who claimed she DID care about Ashlee Simpson, I decided to stop recording the subjects’ responses and simply punch them in the face while they answered the follow-up question. For those who answered the primary question correctly, “no” or “hell no”, I gave them a cookie. For those who answered the primary question with the ultimate correct answer, “Who the hell is Ashlee Simpson?”, I gave them two cookies and a hug. It’s all about positive reinforcement. And face punches.