Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Leper Pop Man Up Challenge – Part 3

Welcome to the vast expanse of the Croxton neighborhood of Jersey City, New Jersey, where we bring you the third round of the Leper Pop Man Up Challenge. So far our two heroes have explored many aspects of their manhood, from a retrospective of their fight vs. flight response all the way down to an analysis of their elbow tuft of hair grooming techniques. OK, I made up that stuff about the elbow tuft of hair, but wouldn’t it be cool if we had them. It would certainly make leaning on our elbows all day while we're bored in the office more comfortable. Couldn’t god see this coming?

Moist Rub takes a 4 ¾ point lead into today’s action. Sid won’t let that stand for too much longer, I’m sure. Let’s see how our boys do today.

If you have no clue what we're talking about, click here to catch up.

A man should be able to:

16. Tie a bow tie.
Step 1: Make a simple knot, allowing slightly more length (one to two inches) on the end of A.
Step 2: Lay A out of the way, fold B into the normal bow shape, and position it on the first knot you made.
Step 3: Drop A vertically over folded end B.
Step 4: Double back A on itself and position it over the knot so that the two folded ends make a cross.
Step 5: The hard part: Pass folded end A under and behind the left side (yours) of the knot and through the loop behind folded end B.
Step 6: Tighten the knot you have created, straightening, particularly in the center.

Sid: Although I wanted to be a TV weatherman when I was a kid, the American Meteorological Society wouldn’t accept me so I have no use for this skill. And I’m really not interested in attending any events that would require such attire. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Well, sure, I can tie one now - now that you’ve given me the instructions. If I'm asked to attend an event where I am required to wear a non-clip-on bow tie, I probably got invited by mistake. My address must have gotten mixed up in the data base with the Southampton Rubs. Come to think of it, bow ties don’t seem very manly. They’re BOWS, after all. What am I, a ten year old girl? (0 points)

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. When I interviewed for my first job, one of the senior guys had me to his house for a reception. He offered me a cigarette and pointed me to a bowl of whiskey sours, like I was Darrin Stephens and he was Larry Tate. I can still remember that first tight little swallow and my gratitude that I could go back for a refill without looking like a drunk. I came to admire the host over the next decade, but he never gave me the recipe. So I use this:
• For every 750-ml bottle of whiskey (use a decent bourbon or rye), add:
• 6 oz fresh-squeezed, strained lemon juice
• 6 oz simple syrup (mix superfine sugar and water in equal quantities)
To serve: Shake 3 oz per person with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glasses. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice or, if you're really slick, a float of red wine. (Pour about 1/2 oz slowly into each glass over the back of a spoon; this is called a New York sour, and it's great.)

Sid: Esquire talks about whiskey sours but if you want a large batch that you dip your cup into, try a fish tank full of Oomau. Start with a cleanish fish tank, filled with ice. Add all the clear liquors, some fruit frozen fruit concentrate, some 2 liters of the secret ingredient Squirt, squeeze in a bag of assorted citrus fruits, toss in the fruit carcasses, stir. Guys will fight, girls will cry, and the police will probably show up. (1 point plus 1 bonus point)

Moist Rub: Here is my recipe for a large batch drink: The bar is over there – make your own damn drink. Who the hell invited you over, anyway? Although, I do keep a large fish tank and the ingredients for Oomau on hand just in case a party breaks out. But I refuse to take a point for it. I bet Sid chose the same drink. Here is the recipe, compiled by StivOO, in case you are thirsty. (0 points)

Fill a big ass container (preferably stolen or previously used to house tropical fish) with 30 pounds of ice (frozen). Suggest buying at the store – the first batch usully melts by the time the second batch is ready if only using the two trays that are currently in your freezer.

From the fruit section of your local grocer, get a dozen limes, dozen lemons, dozen oranges, half dozen grapefruits. Quarter them, peels on, with a sharp knife, be careful not to cut yourself and bleed into the mixture. Especially important to avoid that burning sensation the citrus will cause on an open cut as you squeeze the shit out of the fruit over the ice, then throw it on top. Add three cans of frozen concentrate. Here is your chance to be creative and give that batch its own unique taste, but recommend at least one Five Alive. Add four – 2 liter bottles of citrus soda (eg 7 Up), but again, highly recommend use of the secret ingredient - Squirt – for at least two of these.

Now the fun – get a 750 or 1 liter of gin, a 750 or 1 liter of light rum, and a 1.75 of vodka. Remove caps and/or pourers. Be sure Surfin’ Bird is playing on the stereo (recommend Ramones version, of course), and add above mentioned alcohol (or more).

Choose man (or woman) with the hairiest arms to reach into the mixture, up to the elbow and stir. Fill cups with the libation and ice, garnish with fruit, and drink. When the tank runs dry, repeat from top, or finish the evening by sucking fruit and tossing peels onto neighbors’ lawns.

18. Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.

Sid: Comprate un bosque y pierdete. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: I have four years of A’s and a couple of B’s on my high school transcript that proves I know how to speak Latin. Mole ruit sua. Need more proof? Take this: Italia est paene insula. OK, you got me, I don’t remember very much. But, if I were in a foreign country like Latinania, English would be considered a foreign language. Half a point? (0 points)

19. Approach a woman out of his league. Ever have a shoeshine from a guy you really admire? He works hard enough that he doesn't have to tell stupid jokes; he doesn't stare at your legs; he knows things you don't, but he doesn't talk about them every minute; he doesn't scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he is dressed; he does his job confidently and with a quiet relish. That stuff is wildly inviting. Act like that guy.

Sid: My wife is evidence of this one. (1 point)

Moist Rub: If I have to act like Shoeshine Boy, I may as well stay home. Do I get to take the super energy pill? I prefer to be myself. If the out-of-my-league chick doesn’t like it, she can go have sex with some fake guy. What do I care? The thing is, I don’t approach women in any league. I put out the vibe like Jim Carrey did while wearing the orange tux in Dumb and Dumber and let them flock to me. (0 points)

20. Sew a button.

Sid: Kind of like cutting down a tree. Never done it, but how hard can it be? If a button falls off an article of clothing, it probably needs to be replaced anyway. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: It may not be pretty, but it will stay on. Staples work, too, but it helps if you enhance the staples with some solder. I’ve been known to sew together stuffed rodent ass novelty gifts, too. (1 point)

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. Once, in our lifetime, much of Europe was approaching cultural and political irrelevance. Then they made like us and banded together into a union of confederated states. So you can always assume that they were simply copying the United States as they now push us to the verge of cultural and political irrelevance.

Sid: Arguing is a waste of time so I don’t do it with people – European or otherwise. When’s the last time you were arguing with someone and made him change his view? “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re right… soccer is rather boring, bloke.” (0 points)

Moist Rub: Why would I want to argue with a European? Besides, I would have no way of knowing what the hell he was arguing with me about. See number 18 above. Have we learned nothing from the tragedies that were World War I and II? Relax. (0 points)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it. Otherwise, ask after it.

Sid: Last time I tried this I got kicked out of the bar and didn’t have a chance to ask. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: I’ve had sex at least ten times and I still don’t know what’s going on down there. If I can’t figure something out after ten tries, I stop trying. Each party is responsible for xe’s own orgasm, that’s what I say. Orgasms don’t just magically come to me, either. You think I’m doing push ups for two hours on top of you just to build up my pects? I don’t think so. Make an effort. It’s not my fault my orgasm thing works better than your orgasm thing does. Women’s lib, man. Women’s lib. (0 points).

23. Be loyal. You will fail at it. You have already. A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. Loyalty is not a matter of give-and-take: He did me a favor, therefore I owe him one. No. No. No. It is the recognition of a bond, the honoring of a shared history, the reemergence of the vows we make in the tight times. It doesn't mean complete agreement or invisible blood ties. It is a currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar return.

Sid: Esquire has told me I have already failed at it. (0 points plus 1 penalty point)

Moist Rub: I think Jon Bon Jovi said it best: I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. Who am I to argue with Jon Bon Jovi? I think he’s European. I won’t let you down, unless I’m drunk and forget. (1 point).

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Brand, amount, style, fast, like so: Booker's, double, neat.

Sid: Blowjob, extra whip crème. (-3 points)

Moist Rub: Jack and Coke - big. How hard could it be? I ponder like a dope after I order, and deep into the night. (1 point)

25. Drive an eight penny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor's hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.

Sid: What’s an eight penny nail? I’m not sure what $0.08 will buy these days. I’d be sure to ask the contractor before you take his hammer. In fact, I’d probably just get a nail gun. I used one once without inadvertently shooting any into my body. (1 point plus 1 bonus for being more efficient)

Moist Rub: I’ve had my moments with nails. Remember that time on Bob’s roof when I drove in that 16 penny nail with one swing while falling off the house? Sure, gravity may have helped my swing, but I did it, nonetheless. But, I wouldn’t stake my life on a perfect nail shot. I’ve dented plenty of two-buh-fours in my day. (0 points).

Thus concludes a very special Mother’s Day episode of Round 3. Our two combatants wish all of you mothers out there the very best and most sacred Mother’s Day. They will now towel off and take a steam together in your honor.


Sid F'er: 11

Moist Rub: 14 ¼

go to Part 4


Anonymous said...

I'm luvin' this like there's no tomorrow.

My secret scoreboard on you two cowboys doesn't add up.

lim said...

Oh. That was lim. Who else would keep a secret scoreboard for gosh sakes....

HR said...

"A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. "

There. I told you Tom Chiarella was gay.

Bitter Sid said...

I'm pretty sure that I'm the one that gave Stiv_OO that recipe. Nice show of loyalty there, buddy.

still loyal rub said...

The recipe is public domain. Eat me. Your response was posted first. You had plenty of opportunity to use it.

bitchy sid said...

That does it. I'm having my wife teach me how to throw a punch.

I didn't care that you used it. I'm very happy you did. My piece of writing made your response, and hence, our blog, better. I just wanted to correct your ill-researched citation.

matter of fact rub said...

You are dumb.

interleper said...

So far our two heroes have explored many aspects of their manhood

Thankfully, we’ve been spared the point values for this task...

ll said...

I agree with Sid. For a guy to order to exact specifications what another guy drinks is just a bit odd.

I think Sid should have gotten a point just for pointing that out.

Anonymous said...

Leper Lurker said...
ll, Me thinks the question was about the man being able to order his own drink quickly & efficiently.

I believe that Sid's order was correct and he should actually be awarded a point instead of being penalized 3 pts.