Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Leper Pop Man Up Challenge – Part 6

Unfortunately, we're stuck in a bus depot in Cozad, Nebraska. We were on our way to the Galapagos Islands to conduct Part 6 of the Man Up Challenge in the magnificence of evolutionary splendor, but our train was derailed by a horde of General Custer impersonators. Apparently, they thought our train track was a horde of Sioux impersonators and attempted to waylay them. The train track won the battle and left all of the General Custer impersonator carcasses in derailment position. We caught a ride on a pig truck to Cozad. We'll have to make due. Pull up a wino and enjoy today's action.

Moist Rub is pounding the crap out of Sid in this manhood jubilee. Does Sid have the strength in him to at least lie his way to the championship. We'll soon find out.

If you have no clue what we're talking about, click here to catch up.

A man should be able to:

46. Tell a woman's dress size.

Sid: Nope. Because there is no situation in which there is a need for this skill unless I’m working at a gas station and a woman in a dress comes in to rob the joint and I need to describe her to the police. “Yes, she was about 5’7, 128 pounds, with a ski mask and a size 5 strapless Donna Karan gown with a low empire waistline and yellow chiffon gathered at the top.” (0 points)

Moist Rub: Whenever I try on a woman’s dress to see what size it is, I usually end up tearing it apart and have to buy her a new one. It gets expensive after a while. Plus, I don’t have enough shoes to match all of the color schemes. (0 points)

47. Recite one poem from memory. Here you go:


When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

--William Butler Yeats

Sid: No, HERE you go:

O pointy birds, o pointy pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy.

-- John Lillison, England’s Greatest One-Armed Poet

(1 pointy, pointy)

Moist Rub:

Get off the walls
Lick your dog’s balls.

-- Pete Geovanes

(0 Points)

48. Remove a stain. Blot. Always blot.

Sid: One morning I woke up with brown spots all over the front of my shirt. I didn’t know how they got there until somebody told me I ended the night by doing shots of soy sauce. I don’t think blotting would have helped. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Some stains stay, some stains go. It’s a crap shoot in that washer of mine. Either way, wear the shirt anyway until you are no longer able to wash the smell out of it. Who am I trying to impress? (½ point)

49. Say no.

Sid: Nancy Reagan taught me this one in the 80’s. But my stoner friends that ignored her always seemed a little more chill than I was. At least I get a point for this competition. (1 point)

Moist Rub: You don’t see my bed getting made, do you? (1 point)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Cook until the white appears solid...and no longer.

Sid: I think I can handle this one if I ever had the opportunity. Every time I asked a girl at a bar how she likes her eggs in the morning, she usually replied “unfertilized.” (1 point)

Moist Rub: I don’t eat eggs. Did you ever see where they come from? No way, mister. But I do cook eggs for my kids from time to time, and they are much more demanding than Esquire is. Sunny-side up? Please. You don’t even have to flip them. The trick is in the flip. Eggs over easy has a higher degree of difficulty, just like a Forward 3 ½ somersaults, ¾ twist pike. (1 ½ points).

51. Build a campfire. There are three components:
1. The tinder -- bone-dry, snappable twigs, about as long as your hand. You need two complete handfuls. Try birch bark; it burns long and hot.
2. The kindling -- thick as your thumb, long as your forearm, breakable with two hands. You need two armfuls.
3. Fuel wood -- anything thick and long enough that it can't be broken by hand. It's okay if it's slightly damp. You need a knee-high stack.
Step 1: Light the tinder, turning the pile gently to get air underneath it.
Step 2: Feed the kindling into the emergent fire with some pace.
Step 3: Lay on the fuel wood. Pyramid, the log cabin, whatever -- the idea is to create some kind of structure so that plenty of air gets to the fire.

Sid: It’s so easy a caveman can do it. Whenever I’ve been camping – all three times – I’ve left this task to the person wearing camo and carrying a knife in his boot. I was never a Boy Scout but give me a book of matches and an ex-Sunflower Girl and I bet I could make things happen. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: Better yet, let’s not go anywhere where a fire may need to be built. I hear hotels provide controlled fire in a variety of applications free of charge. Having said that, I do have arson somewhere on my criminal record. (1 point)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. When I was 13, my dad called me into his office at the large urban mall he ran. He was on the phone. What followed was a fairly banal 15-minute conversation, which involved the collection of rent from a store. On and on, droning about store hours and lighting problems. I kept raising my eyebrows, pretending to stand up, and my dad kept waving me down. I could hear only his end, garrulous and unrelenting. He rolled his eyes as the excuses kept coming. His assertions were simple and to the point, like a drumbeat. He wanted the rent. He wanted the store to stay open when the mall was open. Then suddenly, having given the job the time it deserved, he put it to an end. "So if I see your gate down next Sunday afternoon, I'm going to get a drill and stick a goddamn bolt in it and lock you down for the next week, right?" When he hung up, rent collected, he took a deep breath. "I've been dreading that call," he said. "Once a week you gotta try something you never would do if you had the choice. Otherwise, why are you here?" So he gave me that. And this...

Sid: I’m the smartest dumb guy I know, which means I get the jobs no one wants to do as default. Smart people have the background to rise above the work of us plebes or are smart enough to get out of them. Really dumb people are not capable of the tasks and not assigned or too dumb to realize on their own that the jobs need to be done. (1 point, unfortunately)

Moist Rub: I was at the grocery store once. There was a box of Idaho Spuds placed in the meat cooler between the skirt steak and the marinated pork tenderloin. I stood there watching while no less than seventeen other shoppers walked by and did absolutely nothing. Eventually, I could take it no more. I shagged down a pimply-faced stock boy and alerted him of the stocking crisis. He retrieved the box of Potato Spuds and carried it safely into the storage room. Sometimes delegating is just as good as stepping into a job yourself. (½ point)

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.

Sid: How many times do I have to tell you that I can’t throw a punch? Unless we’re talking about Monopoly. I totally kick some ass in that game. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: Kicking ass sounds like a splendid idea – if you want to perpetuate the war mongering mentality that has persisted throughout the history of mankind. Sure you may think that what goes on between two people can’t possibly relate to entire countries deciding to wipe out each other, but the Doctrine of Cool says differently. Whenever one person acts like an asshole to another, be xe in the right or in the wrong, it adds to the collective negative vibe of our global society, culminating in war and death - just like the trickle of water in a Minnesota forest ultimately gushes violently into the Gulf of Mexico. I will not willfully add to that collective bad vibe in the name of perceived manhood. (0 points)

54. Break up a fight. Work in pairs if possible. Don't get between people initially. Use the back of the collar, pull and urge the person downward. If you can't get him down, work for distance.

Sid: I watch enough hockey to know that you just wait until they fall down on the ice and come to a stalemate. Besides, some people need a good ass kicking once in a while. If someone else wants to step up and deliver, have at it. Also, that’s what bouncers live for, so who am I to deprive them of their livelihood. (0 points)

Moist Rub: If jumping up and down with my arms bent and my hands flapping while I scream “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” doesn’t work, by golly I’m at wits end. I guess you’ll just have to go on beating the shit out of each other. It really is none of my business. Who are these Neanderthals I’m hanging out with getting in fights, anyway? Maybe I need a new crowd. (0 points)

55. Point to the north at any time. If you have a watch, you can point the hour hand at the sun. Then find the point directly between the hour hand and the 12. That's south. The opposite direction is, of course, north.

Sid: Put me in the city and I’m 100% there. In the ‘burbs, I’m there about 80% of the time until you invite me into your labyrinth of Winding Succotash Circles and Rat Maze Courts. In the forest, I’ll wait for sunrise or sundown and gladly point to the north. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: What if I’m locked in solitary confinement for a few weeks? What if I get that bucket stuck on my head again? What if I’m in the middle of doing that spinning around with my head on a baseball bat trick and then try to run a straight line and end up bashing my head into a fence post? What if I’m on Uranus, whose rotation spins on a different axis than Earth’s rotation – would north be over there or to the left? Point to the north AT ANY TIME? I can’t work in the confines of absolutes. (0 points)

Thus concludes Round 6. Sid has unholstered his hoe and made up some ground. At this pace, he should catch Moist Rub by Round 11. Too bad for him there are only 8 rounds. Could this be the making of the greatest comeback since the excavated woolly mammoth awoke and trampled that Latvian geologist?


Sid F'er: 23
Moist Rub: 31 ½

go to Part 7


Anonymous said...

"I do have arson somewhere on my criminal record."

Who doesn't?

Anonymous said...

The Doctrine of Cool sounds like an organization of wooses.

lim said...

Oh, that's a bucket over your head. At first I thought it was a lampshade, which surprised me since you like to where lampshades instead of pants.

Only two more installments to come? Can they be extra long?

interleper said...

Your foresight to carry around tidbits that no one has thought about in years, on the off chance that they might come in handy one day, is almost as impressive as your ability to wait for the right circumstance to resurrect them for maximum comedic effect.

I’m referring to Pointy Birds, of course. A classic…