Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Leper Pop Man Up Challenge – Part 5

Coming to you live via pre-recorded tape from over a mile underground in the Creighton Mine, home of the Sudbury Neutrino Observatory in Ontario, Canada, we bring you Part 5 of the Leper Pop Man Up Challenge. Both Sid F’er and Moist Rub are exerting manhood at an alarming, death-defying rate. If even one of them survives this challenge, it will be a miracle of which Barry Manilow could sing about until his dying day. “It’s a miracle (miracle), a two goof spectacle, a miracle of fools…” Sing it, Barry. I don’t care what anybody says, I LIKE that song! (-1 point for the announcer).

Sid is within 5 man points of Moist Rub, a distance that could be easily made up with a well aimed swirl of his manitudinous power bevel. Sit back, grab a can of Olde Frothingslosh and enjoy the action.

If you have no clue what we're talking about, click here to catch up.

A man should be able to:

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. Play the smallest and most poorly labeled areas, the bets where it's visually evident the casino doesn't want you to go. Simply play the pass line; once the point is set, play full odds (this is the only really good bet on the table); and when you want a little more action, tell the crew you want to lay the 4 and the 10 for the minimum bet.

Sid: What happens in Vegas is of no interest to me. However, I have to go there next month and I think I’ll lay the 4 and the 10 for the minimum bet and let you know if it makes my testicles swell and the ladies swoon. (0 points)

Moist Rub: I was in Vegas once for a bachelor party. I met my brother out there one night. He was there for a medical conference. It was about two in the morning. He had a system for the craps table and explained it to me. I stared at him blankly (drunkly) and went back to the Black Jack table to lose all my money without pulling any brain muscles. He won $35, but had a headache. (0 points)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards. I play cards with guys who can't shuffle, and they lose. Always.

Sid: Okay, I confess. I’m one of those guys. I guess I spent a little too much time with the rice bowl trick in the Marshall Brodien Magic Set instead of his more famous TV Magic Cards. So I’m a mess at a card game, but I’m the life of the party at the sushi bar. (0 points)

Moist Rub: I play cards with my brother who can’t shuffle. He also keeps a cheat sheet of which hands beat which in his wallet. He usually loses. Instead of learning how to shuffle cards, he went to medical school and now makes a lot of money. I learned how to shuffle cards and now have another point. (1 point)

38. Tell a joke. Here's one: Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

Sid: A man should stop telling jokes after junior high or else he’ll be that guy that everyone avoids at happy hour for telling jokes like the one above. But that doesn’t mean I can’t lay Sandpaper Sally on someone that begs to hear one. They usually don’t ask again. (1 point)

Moist Rub: I guess for Esquire, the joke doesn’t have to be funny. So, here’s one: There was a newlywed couple who were very happy. Then they both lost their jobs, she started cheating on him, he started doing heroin, the Bolsheviks seized power and somebody left the butter dish empty in the refrigerator. Oh, and dead babies. (0 points)

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. Aces. Eights. Always.

Sid: Easy enough. I also yell “Booyah!” any time I win a hand. People never get tired of that. (1 point)

Moist Rub: Every time I split my cards the pit boss kicks me out for ripping them in half. I’m better off that way, since I think they are cheating me. When I play blackjack, I get the high hand a lot, but they don’t always pay me. (1 point)

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don't use baby talk. Don't crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up. Don't pretend to be interested in Webkinz or Power Rangers or whatever. He's as bored with that shit as you are. Concentrate instead on seeing the child as a person of his own.

Sid: I don’t speak to eight-year-olds. I don’t speak to kids at all until they’re old enough to take my lunch order. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Why would I use baby talk to talk to an eight-year-old? Wouldn’t I use eight-year-old talk, at the very least? The big question is, why am I talking to an eight-year-old? Both of my kids are older than that now. I’ll never have to talk to an eight-year-old ever again. Consequently, I’ve already successfully talked to two eight-year-olds and they’ve lived to tell about it. (2 points)

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. You don't own the restaurant, so don't act like it. You own the transaction. So don't speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets -- let it be known that you expect to see some of them.

Sid: Transaction implies two sides. I don’t own it. I guide it by letting my server know what I feel like eating. Sometimes I let them decide for me. And I’m pretty sure the secrets that the restaurants I frequent involve the health code, so I really don’t think I want to see them. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Whenever I make eye contact with the waiter, he always thinks I’m hitting on him. Invariably, I end up in the soup vat letting him have his way with me. If that’s being a man, then I guess I’ll take a point. But it certainly doesn’t feel like being a man. I think I’d prefer if they’d keep their restaurant secrets to themselves. (0 points)

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. Go ahead, use baby talk.

Sid: I don’t talk to dogs until they’re old enough to take my lunch order. (0 points)

Moist Rub: I’m totally lost here. Do people usually talk to children, waiters and dogs expecting them not to hear? Wouldn’t it be puppy talk instead of baby talk to a dog? Sit. Speak. Lie down. Don’t shit on the floor. Excuse me - I have to go clean up some shit. (¾ points)

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. Just turn off the damned main.

Sid: I installed a disposal once. Never replaced a thermostat. I did install a ceiling fan in my bedroom, but wasn’t able to sleep for the next 8 years for fear of it falling and decapitating me in my sleep. (1/2 point)

Moist Rub: Turn off the damned main??? Real men work hot. If I ever stooped so low as to turn off the electricity when installing a piece of electronic equipment, why, I would just as soon (((((DDDDZZZZZZDDDZZDDDZZZZZZZZZZZDDDZZDDDZZZZZZZDDDZDDZZZZZZZ)))))

GAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Thud. (1 point)

44. Ask for help. Guys who refuse to ask for help are the most cursed men of all. The stubborn, the self-possessed, and the distant. The hell with them.

Sid: To hell with Esquire. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Not only do I ask for help, I’ll ask others to finish the entire project for me. I have no pride, and I have little to no construction skills. I’ll buy the food and beer and run out for parts. Let me know when it’s finished. (1 point)

45. Break another man's grip on his wrist. Rotate your arm rapidly in the grip, toward the other guy's thumb.

Sid: The only time a man grips another man’s wrist is in a self-defense class in which they teach you what to do if another man grips your wrist. It’s about as useful as learning to defend yourself when you fall in the mud and someone tries to kick you with an iron boot. (0 points)

Moist Rub: Why is this man not letting go of my wrist? The way I figure it, it’s either the waiter in the soup vat or one of those people in need of a punch from Skill 13 who I am avoiding. If it’s the waiter, then the wrist gripping thing is not as bad as the rest of the stuff he is trying to do to me. It can’t be the guys from Skill 13, because I am avoiding them. Hand held tasers work, too. Better yet, I’ll switch to jumping chest bumps instead of hand shakes from now on just to steer clear of hand to hand combat. (0 points)

Thus concludes Round 5. Looks like Sid has some work to do to catch Moist Rub. He’ll behoove himself to be up all night rotating his tires and scratching his undercarriage in attempt to garner bonus points.


Sid F'er: 17 ½

Moist Rub: 27

go to Part 6


lim said...

You guys are too hot for Esquire anyway. And a little too high tone, I might add.

WCR said...

Why don't you guys have perfect scores?

interleper said...

Oh, and dead babies. (0 points)

This part makes me crack up every time. Give yourself one point.

ll said...

Did that dog eat Sid's ears?

I think Moist's must have been blown off with the electrical surginess.

Anonymous said...

"There was a newlywed couple who were very happy. Then they both lost their jobs, she started cheating on him, he started doing heroin, the Bolsheviks seized power and somebody left the butter dish empty in the refrigerator. Oh, and dead babies"

I swear this is the funniest damn joke I have ever heard!!!!!!!