The Man Zoo

I have figured it out – the key to the success of the future of our society. It wasn’t easy for me to do this, because of my limited cognitive capacity due to my lack of advanced state as a life form (as you’ll learn about shortly). But I did it. This is a woman’s world, and it’s about time they took it over.

I’ve been listening to women lately. In the past I have pretended to listen to them, but I wasn’t. Instead, I was thinking about sports or sex or food or some combination of them. But, lately, I’ve been paying attention. I’ve learned a lot, of what I could understand, anyway.

In addition to the topics I do not (cannot) understand, like beauty and fashion ideas, raising children, Desperate Housewives, flaky feet elixirs, feelings and emotions, general concern for people and railroad design theory, women talk a great deal about men. Sometimes it’s their husbands or boyfriends, sometimes it’s the men in their family and sometimes it’s men in general. As far as I can figure out, they don’t like us very much. Apparently, all we men ever think about is sex, sports and food, and we shouldn’t be. We don’t care about anybody’s feelings except our own. We have no control over our bodily functions. We sit on the couch all day long, have no clue how to raise children, are tremendous slobs, are too hairy and are incapable of making any kind of decision other than deciding which direction to aim our farts. And, we are incapable of opening up emotionally to another human being (specifically, them). Some women go on to say that men have been running this world throughout its history, and they’ve done a pretty crappy job doing it.

I can’t argue. I agree with them. All the criticism women have of men is true (as far as I can tell, anyway). And, I know why. The simple fact is that the male human is a slightly less advanced life form than is the female human.

Many may consider me somewhat of a modern day Pliny the Elder standing at the foot of an erupting Mount Vesuvius, as I have not employed the scientific method in this discovery. I do not have any scientific proof, such as DNA evidence, strictly controlled behavioral analysis or even Ouija board case studies, to support my claim. All I have are vicarious experiences and provisional deduction, which my standards of study shoddily accept.

Empirical evidence shows men to be governed by two great innate forces – sex and aggression. Generally speaking, men want to have sex and if they can’t have sex, they resort to beating somebody up (or kicking a dog, slamming a door, pounding a sledge hammer on a comforter, etc.). I don’t want to get into all the specific data that supports this declaration. Suffice it to say that the proof for male aggression is in all the wars this world had suffered. If men were getting enough sex (which is impossible in the male mind), they wouldn’t have time for wars. The point is that these characteristics are among the most base in the animal world. Aggression is a conflict resolution technique used by lower life forms because they do not have brains capable of reasoning through a problem. Take, for example, the rhinoceros. Have you ever tried talking sense to a rhinoceros? It’s impossible. Before you can get two words out, they charge at you, attempting to acquaint you with their horn. It’s not like I meant to run over his mailbox. I was just trying to avoid hitting the meerkat that jumped out between the parked cars. If the rhino was having sex at the time, he would have never even noticed. And if he did notice, he wouldn’t have cared, at least not until he was finished. By then I would have been long gone. I tried to offer to pay for it, but then the charging happened. It didn’t solve anything. Sure, I’m gored, and all, but I still think he’s a jerk.

Women, to the contrary, excel in communication and community building. Women are the architects of society with the emotions they wield and the nurturing they bestow. The human animal depends on this society for survival and to support progress. Without their ability, we would all be living in houses with no sheets on the beds, no food in the refrigerators and no silverware organizers in the drawers. That’s how animals would live if they could figure out how to build houses.

These are characteristics of an advanced life form who work together for the survival of the species, instead of the survival of a single member of that species, like men do (hence the reason men only think of themselves). Consider the slug. Slugs are very low life forms. Do you ever see a group of slugs getting together for a Tupperware party? Need I say more?

These societal factors as I outlined them above suggest that women are higher life forms than men. But there is more evidence out there. Way out there. Look to the cosmos and the physical laws that rule it. There is a wonderful concept in physics called entropy. Entropy is the tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of disorder. It is in entropy that we shall find truth.

If you believe in the Big Bang theory, or some facsimile of it, prior to the big bang, this universe was in perfect order. Everything was organized into a single dot or spec or whatever (I don’t want to get too technical on you). Then, all of a sudden, the dot exploded and expanded and then galaxies formed, and stars formed and planets formed and life formed, and that life formed fans, which were subsequently hit by shit, which added to the disorder. The universe became more and more disordered, and becomes more disordered each second. It may seem that the universe is becoming more ordered, but it’s not. Trust me. Do the math: S = k log W. Consequently, anything helping the entropy in its plight for disorder would be more in tuned with the universe than something that is not.

When I first learned of entropy, I thought it gave me an excuse to sit on my ass and do nothing, since it’s easy to let things fall apart. I figured it was nature’s way, so I embraced it. However, I was wrong. As it turns out, when women straighten out a room, put things away, organize their recipe cards and reorganize their shoes, they are adding to the entropy of the universal system, not quelling it. It may appear on the surface to the uninformed that women are creating order. But, they’re not. In the whole scheme of things, the heat they release and the disruption that heat causes to atoms floating around us while women rearrange their closets actually messes up things more than the order they attempt to achieve. Women, with their organizing efforts, are adding more to the natural entropy than we guys do sitting on a bar stool watching sports. They are more in tune with the cosmos because they are a higher life form.

Now that we know that women are more advanced then men, how do we use this knowledge to help society? Well, what do we do with lower life forms? That’s right, we put them in zoos. That is what I suggest women do with men. Although, like circus animals, men can contribute to society. I propose a work release zoo program for men. Men can do things women don’t want to do, like haul Port-o-Johns, clean Port-o-Johns and use Port-o-Johns. I’m sure there are other things men can do. Not that women couldn’t do whatever those things are, but why should they if they have a work release zoo full of men to do them?

Zoo technology has advanced over the years. The days of sequestering animals in cages are gone. Today’s zoos are built in a manner so they emulate the animals’ natural habitats and living conditions, including food, instinctual requirements (yes, I’m talking about accommodating the human male animal’s sex drive. More on that later.) and leisure. The man zoo should be created in the same fashion. The environment should be equipped with sports bars, playing fields, leather recliners, garages/work sheds and massage parlors. Studies have shown that the average man can work effectively for only four hours per day. This should be considered when creating work release schedules.

The work release programs should be designed to take advantage of each individual male’s talents. Some are good at math, so put them to work in insurance companies. Some are good at cuddling, so dish them out to women who need some cuddling. Note: expecting a non-cuddler male to cuddle will cause a similar result as expecting an elephant to incubate a chicken egg - so make sure your assessments are accurate. Some men actually are good at listening and empathizing. Harnessing these rare specimens could be a great money making initiative to the entrepreneurial woman. Then there are the builder men, the fixer men, the heavy lifting men, the plumbing men, etc. I’m sure you women will be able to figure it all out. I certainly can’t, being a lower life form, and all.
Maintaining a healthy male population in the man zoo will also necessitate the instinctual requirements (as mentioned above) of the human male animal to be satisfied. There are a number of ways you can accomplish this. One would be to relegate select “hot” and “adventurous” members of the female population to “work” with the animals. A more severe and cruel solution would be castration (please don’t do this. C’mon, you’ve already put us in zoos! What more do you want???). One last suggestion would be the invention and implementation of the BJ 2500 robot, fully equipped with drink holder, ash tray and sandwich dispenser. But, you ladies do what you think is necessary.

Once the men are safely tucked away in the sports bars, I mean, man zoos, women can run the planet as they see fit. I would expect to see less wars, less pollution, a better environment, more human dignity abound and more knick knack stores. If any men act up, then employ the castration I talked you out of in the last paragraph. Freeing the world of the scourge that is the less developed human male animal will certainly pave the way for the success of the matriarchal society our species has evolved to maintain. We already have the raw materials – sports bars, leather recliners, playing fields, etc. They just need to be organized into a zoo setting. Once women use their entropy enhancing powers to do so, the world will be a better place.