44 Lines

No, it's not a post about my firsthand experience behind the scenes at a fashion show. With respect to The Nails and their 88 Lines About 44 Women, I present 44 Lines About 22 Girls. Sorry for half-assing it...

I went to a St. Patrick’s Day street party with a girl named Kellie Green. One of my crowning achievements in life.

I never dated a stripper but went out with a girl who bartended at a strip club, which is good because I was probably incapable of handling a fully certified stripper.

Speaking of strip clubs, a girl I dated got a boob job. While I was dating her and without telling me. That was a little awkward.

A little rocker chick I met at a party in the 80’s wearing a black concert t-shirt (Metallica, maybe?) ditched the party and took me to a bar that had karaoke, and then she spent the night singing Carpenters’ songs.

I made fun of a girl in college for bringing her backpack to a bar on a weekend night, until I found out she just used it to carry her motorcycle helmet and gave me a terrifying ride home.

I went out with a convicted felon for a while. She wasn’t convicted until after I met her, but I had nothing to do with it. Really.

A woman cop asked me out to a BoDeans concert. It was in a sketchy neighborhood and I asked her if she had her gun. I laughed when she said I could protect us.

I had a crush on a girl mostly because she had a Monte Carlo SS and drove with the seat so far back that she could barely reach the accelerator with her toe.

Whatever your town is best known for, I’ll deem you queen of the town’s festival whether or not you were queen or if there is even a festival. So far I’ve dated the Queens of the Decatur Soybean Festival, the Gilroy Garlic Festival and the West Texas Tumbleweed Festival.

There is an ex-girlfriend from college I’m trying to find, but only because she made the best damn beef barley soup I’ve ever had in my life. But I’m kind of glad I haven’t found her because now it would never live up to expectations.

A girl agreed to go out for ice cream with me after I demonstrated my ability to hold my breath until I turned blue and passed out. I had to try something new since pretending to be from Iceland wasn’t working.

I met one of the girls I dated while getting tickets to a show for my then girlfriend at the time. I wasn’t the best boyfriend back then. In fact, I was pretty much a dick.

I don’t know about Sean Avery, but I can claim Rob Blake’s sloppy seconds.

At a crowded party a girl said “Excuse me” as she passed through and I asked, “Why, did you fart?” She laughed. It was the first and only time in scores of attempts that the line actually worked. I’m not sure she spoke the English very good.

Once I was visiting a girl out of town and she though it would be fun to take me to a local production of The King and I. It really wasn’t.

When the girl you’re dating puts a pinch of chewing tobacco between her cheek and gum, it might be time to start looking for a new girlfriend. I needed the patch after we broke up.

I dated a girl who claims she was one of the final three considered for the lead role in the TV show My Two Dads. She didn’t get it or else I would have obviously said I dated the girl in the lead role in the TV show My Two Dads.

While talking to a rather pierced girl I asked how many piercings she had, and she told me thirteen. Above the waist.

Don’t count on the girl who says she can bring the ‘shrooms to the party to actually make it to the said party.

If you know a girl that can get you seats behind the Bulls bench during the Michael Jordan era, try not to puke on her shoes. At least not more than once.

When you ask a girl if she’d like to dance, you probably don’t want to hear her ask, “With who?”

I met a girl at a Halloween party who told me she was a bookkeeper (in real life, not her costume – that would be stupid). After a couple dates she confessed she was a lawyer but didn’t like talking about it, and nobody asks for details about bookkeeping. True dat, counselor.