Thursday, February 05, 2009

Busting A Cap In Your Ass

I was watching CNN Headline News when a Nancy Grace promo came on and she said, “When you point the finger at someone else you have four fingers pointing right back at you.” Not really, Nance. I tried it and there were three pointing back at me but a thumb kind of pointing off into nowhere. So either you have a very deformed thumb or you just need to give it a rest already. My thumb is just fine. In fact, I may hitchhike to work tomorrow just to prove it. If I disappear maybe she can take up my case. Just don’t point out the creepy guy whose rusted out Chevy Impala you last saw me getting into. You’d just be implicating yourself.

Sid: I need a bigger bed.
Mrs: Do you need a California king?
Sid: No, I want an Alaska king.
Mrs: Is that bigger?
Sid: Yes, of course.
Mrs: Why do you need an Alaska king?
Sid: So I can have crab orgies.
Mrs: That doesn’t even make sense.

I don’t think I sold her, but I did convince her to go out for crab legs that evening. She even let me come along.

I saw a girl on the train the other day who looked very annoyed – as if she just found out the clothes she bought last week had just gone out of style.

I was invited to a party at the Sears Tower, but it was only on the 67th floor. Why bother? Go big or go home. Unless you’re buying a new cellphone. If you get a big cellphone then all your friends will be using the old “the 1990’s called, they want their phone back” joke. And then you’ll punch them in the face and say something stupid like “your girlfriend called, she wants her Rick Springfield cassettes back.”

If you are a Type II diabetic, a part-time job at McDonald’s might not be the best career choice for you.

I don’t know if you know this, but cyclists call their matching spandex short and jerseys “kits.” As if you need another reason to make fun of them. [Ed. Note – although I am a cyclist I never wear matching clothes and would never call it a kit.]

Being the big-shot business traveler that I am, I was recently staying at a Holiday Inn Express. I normally take the stairs to work off my road diet which typically consists of mounds of buffalo wings, vats of chocolate mousse and large pewter goblets of cherry limeade. But I digress. I had a room right next to the elevator and had to stop in the lobby so decided to take it from the 2nd floor. As the doors opened a dude from the 3rd floor stepped off thinking he was on the 1st floor. So who’s driving the bus? But anyway, he steps off looking like he’s in the twilight zone and can’t seem to comprehend that he’s on the wrong floor. Finally I grabbed him by the collar and threw him back in the elevator and told him to step it up a notch – he’s staying at a gosh darn Holiday Inn Express – hasn’t he seen the commercials?

Is there any band in America right now who makes you want to move to a third world country to minimize the chance of ever hearing their songs again more than Daughtry? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

And finally, due to the current economic situation (and to avoid feeling left out) Leper Pop is announcing the layoff of 4,000 readers. We believe this is a temporary yet necessary step to insure the long-term viability of Leper Pop. We also thought we were going to have to fire our intern, but she quit when she found out our dress code consists of a beekeeper’s hood and leg warmers. Thank you for your continued support and understanding during these challenging times.


Anonymous said...

Great. On top of everything else I get laid off from a blog.

del said...

Well, there's always that intern opening to consider.

What colour are the leg warmers?