Wednesday, November 23, 2005

American Music Awards - aka Lowest Common Denominator Awards

What the hell, I said, let’s watch it and see if I can get any material out of this sure to be train wreck.

The show opens with some sort of pod with Mariah Carey locked inside with the guitarist from Spinal Tap. Mariah escaped to sing some sort of Mariah Carey song. It didn’t suck bad enough to distract me from her dress and matching sequin microphone, so my pain factor was only 5 on a scale of 10 to start the evening.

Kenny Chesney came out next, and my momma always done said that if you ain’t fixin’ to say nothin’ proper about a fella, you might could do a good thing by not being a darn fool. She was on the moonshine, but I think I know what she was getting at. So let’s just say that Kenny isn’t as annoying as Garth and not as cheesy as Billy Ray.

Cedric the Entertainer
came out as host and spewed some generic, crappy award show material that amused the musician crowd and made anyone watching at home play the pass out game.

Next up – Shakira to present Favorite Female Solo Artist.
Cedric: If she was a washing machine, she’d be the spin cycle.
Sid: If she was a dryer, she’d be the fluff cycle. Let’s move along.
Nominees: Mariah Carey, Fantasia, & Ciara.
Let’s see. Ciara is a trick answer since that’s really just an impotence drug. So I hear. Fantasia probably isn’t there to accept since she couldn’t read her invite. So I’ll bet on Mariah. Mrs. F’er takes Fantasia. Mariah wins and comes out in a new dress with a hole in the middle of her chest. Mrs. F’er notes that her boobs are lopsided. Mr. F’er wonders why that matters. Mariah thanks God.

Nicole Ritchie checks in from Salt Lake City to let us know she will be introducing the Rolling Stones later in the show and then passes out from malnutrition.

Mrs. F’er’s favorite country duo Brooks & Dunn comes out to present Favorite Female Country Artist. Brooks (or Dunn) makes a joke about Mariah’s boobs being lopsided. Dunn (or Brooks) wonders why that matters.
Nominees: Martina McBride, LeAnne Rimes, and Gretchen Wilson. Gretchen wins and thanks God

Some chick from some Poseidon movie comes out to introduce Rob Thomas.
Sid: This is the worst song ever.
Kip: Sid, like anyone can even know that.

Next up - Lindsay Lohan, in a shrunken Polyphonic Spree frock and oversize stripper shoes for her big shoe dance. She kicked a stool over with the passion of a dead turkey, sang some off-key whiney shit about her dad, and just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, tried to cover Edge of Seventeen. News reports indicate that Stevie Nicks has gathered a torch wielding lynch mob and Lindsay’s only chance is to lay low in an Afghani cave for a couple years. It made me miss Ashlee Simpson.

Best Breakthrough Artist:
Nominees – Jesse McCartney, Sugarland, The Killers
The Killers wrote a nice song for Marty, but didn’t do it as well and thus disqualified themselves. I don’t know who Jesse McCartney is, but fail to see why he is allowed to live. Winner by default – Sugarland.

Jeremy Piven showed up without John Cusack to introduce Pharrell and Gwen Stefani. Pharrell came out to spare everyone to death with some generic crap with Gwen Stefani choosing a very WillyWonka-esque entrance in a faux hot air balloon shaped like an ice cream cone, sporting a Bad Sandy from the end of Grease outfit, only to repeatedly sing the phrase “You got it like that” in response to the crap Pharrell was spouting. I know that was a run-on sentence, but I was trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Ashanti and Nick Lachey to present Favorite Pop Rock Female Artist. Nominees -Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani is backstage packing up her ice cream cone hot air balloon and has no idea what category she just won. Gee, Gwen, no doubt it was for Favorite Norwegian Speed Metal Band. The godless wench was ushered to the stage where she thanked her “girls” for whatever the hell she just won.

Pam Anderson and some guy from some show Invasion come out to present Favorite Soul R&B Act. Nominees: Destiny’s Child, 112, Pretty Ricky.
Destiny’s Child wins and some chick that’s not Beyonce accepts the award.

Jenny McCarthy, dressed in an intriguing slutty librarian outfit, comes out to introduce Hillary Duff, who, after being molested by the Spinal Tap guitarist, is lowered from the rafters in Mariah’s pod. She proceeds to perform a very Six Flags song, the only words being “beat of my heart” while four backup dancers performed choreography that appeared to be designed only to humiliate them.

Keith Urban came out and sang some very urbane, yet boring song.

Cedric, stripped of his entertainer title by this point in the showgram, came out to introduce Gretchen Wilson and Ryan Cabrerra so they could present Favorite Male Country Artist. Nominees: Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, Tim McGraw. Mr. McGraw won, took the stage in his black leather suit, and disrespected all the other genres by claiming that the country music genre is the only one that demonstrates respect for others.

LeAnne Womack introduced Cyndi Lauper and Sara McLachlin. Cyndi annoyed me in the 80’s and now she just looks like a model from a granny porn site. Or what I imagine one might look like. Sara didn’t help matters much by yodeling like a Ricola commercial. Must listen to Eva Cassidy’s version of Time After Time to get this disaster out of my head (download here).

Cedric came back out to introduce Eve and Sean Paul to present some category I missed, but the nominees were R Kelly, Omarion, and some other guy and R Kelly won, but was unable to accept his award because he was gettin’ busy with Hillary Duff backstage. The video should be available on the ABC website shortly.

Babyface presented some “outstanding moments” from the past that were neither outstanding nor particularly momentous.

Serena Williams & Frankie J stopped by to present Favorite Latin Music Artist. What’s with Serena and the music scene? First the Rock Star Mansion and now the AMA’s. You don’t see Billie Jean King hanging out in the studio with Korn. Nevertheless, Serena was very well spoken and dwarfed the diminutive Frankie J, whoever the hell that is. Nominees: Daddy Yankee, Luis Miguel, Shakira. Winner – Shakira, after brainwashing the world with those freaking commercials during RS: INXS.

Jesse McCartney came out for no other reason than to piss me off and make me want to drown the dweeb in a giant vat of his own hair gel. Actually he did introduce a medley from Omarion, Bow Wow, and Ciara. I was expecting great pain, but it was not as bad as I had expected. Ciara is not a boner pill, but actually a chick singer that could probably inspire a boner without pharmaceutical intervention. Bow Wow wasn’t all angry and shit and didn’t appear to be singing about shooting anyone or raping her, and I thought he had a pretty smooth delivery. Then Omarion came out and tried to ruin everything with his imitations of Usher, Michael Jackson and Mary Lou Retton all in one, but Bow Wow came back to bring some respect back to the performance. Never thought I'd be saying that. I need to get me some of that Bow Wow apparel – should look good on casual Fridays.

Cedric took a break from the backstage buffet line to introduce Kelly Rowland and Jermaine Dupree to present Favorite Pop Rock Male Artist. Nominees: 50 Cent, Wil Smith, Rob Thomas. Winner – Wil Smith. I didn’t realize he was recording again, but I’m still trying to catch up on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns. In his speech, he pretty much warned his wife that she’s going to be walking funny tomorrow, then let Tim McGraw know that he wasn’t interested in shooting up his fellow rappers or being shot up by his fellow rappers and would like to open for the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Genuwine and some other guy I don’t know dropped in to present Favorite Rap Hip Hop Female Artist. Nominees: Missy Elliot, Lil’ Kim, and Trina. I remember some controversy with a Lil’ Kim dress in the past, so I cheering for her, but Missy Elliot won, probably for her critically acclaimed work for Old Navy, and thanked God.

Lance Armstrong drafted to the podium behind a team of 8 stagehands in a jacket that was clearly a gift from girlfriend Sheryl Crow. He wanted to wear his yellow Tour de France jersey, but Sheryl had “forgotten” to pick it up from the dry cleaner. Lance introduced Los Lonely Boys and Santana, who performed a song that sounded like most other Santana collaborations.

This clearly confused Michelle Branch, who ran onto the stage with some Aussie chick she picked up backstage. To cover up her gaffe, they decided to present the Favorite Album. Nominees: Toby Keith, Gretchen Wilson, Tim McGraw. Tim won again, and brought out his band – the Dancehall Doctors – to share the moment. He also issued a disclaimer to the hip-hop artists that they were not really medical doctors, so gunplay should be kept to a minimum for the evening.

Someone who I believe called himself Jay Lutz came out to introduce Sheryl Crow, who performed a rather pleasant song that I had absolutely no desire to own. Kind of like those chairs at Brookstone. Not bad to sit in while you’re wandering the mall, but you’re not whipping out the credit card to take one home with you.

Tim McGraw came out and sang some song that I might play on a bar jukebox after a half dozen beers and a shot of Yukon Jack.

Cedric introduced Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra and PPoD introduced us to a new facial hair design and celebrated his second anniversary with Carmen by performing “Baby I Love Your Way” in American Sign Language. This left approximately 10 seconds to announce the category (Favorite Pop Rock Band), the nominees (Black Eyed Peas, Green Day, 3 Doors Down), and the winner (Black Eyed Peas). Black Eyed Peas won, but were unable to accept the award because they were likely whoring themselves out in a holiday commercial coming soon to a network near you.

Ryan Seacrest told us the story of how he worked in the coal mines as a young child and developed black lung disease just so he could afford to buy a Eurythmics album. It was all worth it as he got to introduce that very band before he was led offstage and placed back into his iron lung.
Call me a big homo, but I share Ryan’s passion and thought Annie and the band (and some powerhouse backup singers) rocked on their rendition of Missionary Man. I found Sweet Dreams rather anti-climatic, but still rank the performance as best of the evening. The crowd seemed to share my opinion and gave them a hearty ovation.

Cedric introduced Chris Brown and Mary Mary to present Favorite Rap Hip Hop Album. Nominees: Eminem, 50 Cent, TI. Eminen? Best of albums shouldn’t count – who’s running this popsicle stand? Turns out that would be irrelevant since 50 Cent got the win, but was unable to accept the award due to a previous commitment to shoot up that fake butter machine at the only theater that has agreed to show his movie.

More allegedly memorable moments from Babyface.

John Stamos and some chick from Gray’s Anatomy showed up to present a very confusing T-Mobile Text Message Artist of the Year Award. Anyone with a CD burner was eligible and the winner was determined by a text message from John Stamos’ mother after her reading of an issue of People magazine. Kelly Clarkson was congratulated as the winner, John told us she wasn’t there, then they shuffled around, neglected to accept the award for her, dropped their car keys, bumped heads trying to pick them up, and eventually crawled offstage.

Cedric the Introducer introduced Macy Gray, who introduced Rascal Flatts to perform some song that earned them nominations to the Academy Awards next year in the overenthusiastic performance from a backup band category. Congratulations, Rascals.

Sugarland came out to present Favorite Contemporary Inspirational Artist. Nominees:
Casting Crowns, Jars of Clay, Mary Mary. Mary Mary wins, thanks God and Jesus and tells everyone to buy their goddam CD or you’re all going to hell.

Jada Pinkett Smith introduced the All-American Rejects and I wonder what indiscretion a record company executive must have committed in their presence that forced him to sign this band to keep them from going public. Please, take one for the team, buddy – own up to whatever you did and drop these guys for the greater good.

The Backstreet Boys – I dated a girl who had a Backstreet Boys concert ticket in her scrapbook when I should have been dating girls with Rick Springfield tickets in their scrapbooks. It was fun for a while but didn’t work out. Just like the Backstreet Boys careers. Nonetheless, they presented Favorite Country & Western Duo or Group. Nominees: Big & Rich, Brooks & Dunn, Rascal Flatts. I told Mrs. F’er we’re leaving the country if Big & Rich win. Thankfully, her favorite duo Brooks and Dunn won again and we don’t have to start packing.

Paris Hilton came out with her big bag of nothing, accompanied by some dude from Desperate Housewives to present Favorite Soul R&B Album. Nominees: Mariah Carey, Destiny’s Child, Fantasia. Destiny’s Child wins again, and again, one of the chicks that isn’t Beyonce accepts the award and thanks Jesus when she should be thanking Beyonce for bringing her spare ass along this far.

Nicole Richie was apparently kicked out of Salt Lake City for stealing a police car and pissing on the mayor’s house, so Cedric comes out one last time to introduce the Rolling Stones live via satellite. Mick is saying something, but I’m not sure what the hell it is. Keith thinks it funny, though, so maybe I just haven’t had enough to drink. They finally play a song and I can’t decide if the song sucks, the mix sucks, or if I suck for wasting three hours of my evening watching this.
They come back and play “Only Rock and Roll” and I know the song doesn’t suck. So now I can’t decide if they suck, the mix sucks, or I suck for sticking out the rest of the show. Luckily, the break away in the middle of the song, so that my local news station can tease their story on why it may be dangerous to start my car tomorrow morning.

If you’re going to the Lovehammers show, hopefully this will make you appreciate it even more. If not, find yourself something worthy to wash your ears out with this holiday weekend – perhaps Leper Pop favorite Beth Hart. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Big homo.

keysunset said...

PPoD introduced us to a new facial hair design

I missed this! Hope I get to see photos. My favorite niece (I only have one niece so I can say that) called to tell me that Dave and Carmen got married the exact same day she and her hubby did. I said "When was that" OH, duh. Well, Happy Anniversary. However she did give me the heads up that the Eurythmics were performing so I turned on the tv long enough to watch that.

I guess I'm a big homo too, I think they are still cool after all these years. Darn, I missed "Missionary Man" though. I'll just have to watch my vhs tape of their videos.

Now I REALLY AM leaving for T'day family committment. Thanks for one for the road Sid!

Moist Rub said...

Yeah, big homo. Hey, I'm an American and I don't listen to any of that shit. That's musication without representation. I caught the Stones' performance, only. That song sucked, and the mix sucked. They don't suck, but they didn't seem to be trying too hard, either. Only Rock n Roll didn't suck. Luckily, I've heard it enough to enjoy it in my head without needing to actually listen to the live by satellite feed. Rather see those boys in a club than a big stadium. And leave the back up singers home.

213 said...

Which ONE of s'all were ya fixin' ta wish a Happy Thanksgiving?

Sid F'er said...

Sorry... all y'all have a happy Thanksgiving.

twinkle said...

I'm not going to the Lovehammers show so thanks for providing something funny to read while I pass the time ogling Marty porn. And it so happened that I found a dead ringer for Ryan Cabrerra growing in my refrigerator today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

G B said...

I cannot frickin' believe that Musical Youth didn't appear on this show. Travesty.

Sid F'er said...

They had a previous commmittment at the Kriss Kross Tribute show across town.

Moist Rub said...

Dearest Snarkism Girls,

I truly meant to meet up with you tonight. But every girl I asked, "Are you from Snarkasm?" gave me a horrendous look. Which gave me the understanding that you all are much cooler than all of the other girls in the world, because you would always accept somebody wishing to meet you, for all of your glory and coolness, AND beauty, that they can all fuck themselves. What kind of world is this that a moderate handsome man (ok, not so much) can't walk up to an attractive woman and aver "Snarkasm" at them? Please give me another chance. Although I tried, I did not try hard enough and I put the "show" ahead of me (which was awesome, by the way). Please give me another chance.

I wish I was better,

Moist Rub

Anonymous said...

Moist Rubber, which one of your heads enjoyed it the most?

twinkle said...

Sorry you missed meeting Our Snarkers: Slutty. Should have let you know ahead of time that they all look like Crystal Bernard. We still love you though. Our standards aren't very high.

phantom said...

Hey Moist! A snarker here! So sorry that we didn't get to meet you - but pretty tickled that you would go to all the trouble of humiliating yourself in front of lots of lovely women in your quest.

The show was awesome, by the way, and we had a GREAT time.

dalebud said...

Hey Moist,
You should have been working on the girls in the boobtastic outfits - those were the Snarkers.
Got an email from Amazon telling me I can get OB's "Switch" for 42% off. Anyone want it for our Leper House Christmas Party Grab-bag?

L A Ray said...

Slow week for topics, eh?

HillMama said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
HillMama said...

Moist,
Dammit! I asked so many guys who were wearing jeans and shirts if they were Moist Rub, and while you may have gotten really funny looks I got really strange offers. I would have bought you a beer and a shot of tequila, because tequila was my best friend that evening. By the way, dalebud is right we Snark girls were dressed boobtastically. Believe me when I say if you had asked any of us ladies if we were from Snarkgasm we would have said, "Hell, yeah." We're proud of our little home.

The show was incredible, but unfortunately not only did I not get to meet you, but I didn't get to my chosen Lovehammer squee target. So that part sucked. Oh, well there's always Vegas. I wonder if I can devise a plan to convince security that I must get back stage. I have much planning to do.

XSivelyHammered said...

Moist,
Yes, you should have looked for the Boobtacular girls on the rail. Actually, I was one of the less boobtacular in the 2nd row behind my fellow Snarkers (HillMama and tequila being my friends as well). You know, we were all over the place, kinda like a rash. I did ask some guys if they were Moist because I was XSivelyHammered. Most stood there in stunned silence. But the lead singer of Blackout came out into the crowd and sang to lil' ole me. He must have heard of my "inebriated" status.
The show was as Marty would say "phenomenal." My only sadness was not to run into you or any Lovehammer. I and many of my fellow snarkers were not lucky enough to secure a pass to the after party (although TBone did try.) You and the Lovehammers can make it up to me by attending the Clearwater and/or Boca shows and asking all adequately boobtacular blue-eyed babes (ask TBone) if they are XSivelyHammered. I promise I will respond. And bring my camera. And demand hugs and a ride on the tour bus. Maybe I'll even let you sign my guitar piece.

keysunset said...

Between reading the snarkers comments here and the comments of concert attendees on the thread at martycasey.org, I almost feel like I was at the concert.

Not really, but maybe if I squeeze my eyes together really tight and tap my heels together three times I'll find I had the power all along to have attended the concert.

Or maybe I'll just give myself a migraine.

Hope all y'all had a GREAT T'day. We had tons of fun and great food that I didn't have to cook! I have to share this: Seen on highway overpass - the name of the road on the overpass (as read by me!) "Asscake Road"! Real name of road on overpass "Ashcake Road." Go figure.

robin zander said...

Mother told me, yes, she told me I’d meet boobtacular girls like you.
She also told me, stay away, you’ll never know what you’ll catch.
Just the other day I heard a soldier falling off some indonesian junk that’s going round.

Sid F'er said...

Rugger?