What the hell, I said, let’s watch it and see if I can get any material out of this sure to be train wreck.
The show opens with some sort of pod with Mariah Carey locked inside with the guitarist from Spinal Tap. Mariah escaped to sing some sort of Mariah Carey song. It didn’t suck bad enough to distract me from her dress and matching sequin microphone, so my pain factor was only 5 on a scale of 10 to start the evening.
Kenny Chesney came out next, and my momma always done said that if you ain’t fixin’ to say nothin’ proper about a fella, you might could do a good thing by not being a darn fool. She was on the moonshine, but I think I know what she was getting at. So let’s just say that Kenny isn’t as annoying as Garth and not as cheesy as Billy Ray.
Cedric the Entertainer came out as host and spewed some generic, crappy award show material that amused the musician crowd and made anyone watching at home play the pass out game.
Next up – Shakira to present Favorite Female Solo Artist.
Cedric: If she was a washing machine, she’d be the spin cycle.
Sid: If she was a dryer, she’d be the fluff cycle. Let’s move along.
Nominees: Mariah Carey, Fantasia, & Ciara.
Let’s see. Ciara is a trick answer since that’s really just an impotence drug. So I hear. Fantasia probably isn’t there to accept since she couldn’t read her invite. So I’ll bet on Mariah. Mrs. F’er takes Fantasia. Mariah wins and comes out in a new dress with a hole in the middle of her chest. Mrs. F’er notes that her boobs are lopsided. Mr. F’er wonders why that matters. Mariah thanks God.
Nicole Ritchie checks in from Salt Lake City to let us know she will be introducing the Rolling Stones later in the show and then passes out from malnutrition.
Mrs. F’er’s favorite country duo Brooks & Dunn comes out to present Favorite Female Country Artist. Brooks (or Dunn) makes a joke about Mariah’s boobs being lopsided. Dunn (or Brooks) wonders why that matters.
Nominees: Martina McBride, LeAnne Rimes, and Gretchen Wilson. Gretchen wins and thanks God
Some chick from some Poseidon movie comes out to introduce Rob Thomas.
Sid: This is the worst song ever.
Kip: Sid, like anyone can even know that.
Next up - Lindsay Lohan, in a shrunken Polyphonic Spree frock and oversize stripper shoes for her big shoe dance. She kicked a stool over with the passion of a dead turkey, sang some off-key whiney shit about her dad, and just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, tried to cover Edge of Seventeen. News reports indicate that Stevie Nicks has gathered a torch wielding lynch mob and Lindsay’s only chance is to lay low in an Afghani cave for a couple years. It made me miss Ashlee Simpson.
Best Breakthrough Artist:
Nominees – Jesse McCartney, Sugarland, The Killers
The Killers wrote a nice song for Marty, but didn’t do it as well and thus disqualified themselves. I don’t know who Jesse McCartney is, but fail to see why he is allowed to live. Winner by default – Sugarland.
Jeremy Piven showed up without John Cusack to introduce Pharrell and Gwen Stefani. Pharrell came out to spare everyone to death with some generic crap with Gwen Stefani choosing a very WillyWonka-esque entrance in a faux hot air balloon shaped like an ice cream cone, sporting a Bad Sandy from the end of Grease outfit, only to repeatedly sing the phrase “You got it like that” in response to the crap Pharrell was spouting. I know that was a run-on sentence, but I was trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Ashanti and Nick Lachey to present Favorite Pop Rock Female Artist. Nominees -Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani is backstage packing up her ice cream cone hot air balloon and has no idea what category she just won. Gee, Gwen, no doubt it was for Favorite Norwegian Speed Metal Band. The godless wench was ushered to the stage where she thanked her “girls” for whatever the hell she just won.
Pam Anderson and some guy from some show Invasion come out to present Favorite Soul R&B Act. Nominees: Destiny’s Child, 112, Pretty Ricky.
Destiny’s Child wins and some chick that’s not Beyonce accepts the award.
Jenny McCarthy, dressed in an intriguing slutty librarian outfit, comes out to introduce Hillary Duff, who, after being molested by the Spinal Tap guitarist, is lowered from the rafters in Mariah’s pod. She proceeds to perform a very Six Flags song, the only words being “beat of my heart” while four backup dancers performed choreography that appeared to be designed only to humiliate them.
Keith Urban came out and sang some very urbane, yet boring song.
Cedric, stripped of his entertainer title by this point in the showgram, came out to introduce Gretchen Wilson and Ryan Cabrerra so they could present Favorite Male Country Artist. Nominees: Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, Tim McGraw. Mr. McGraw won, took the stage in his black leather suit, and disrespected all the other genres by claiming that the country music genre is the only one that demonstrates respect for others.
LeAnne Womack introduced Cyndi Lauper and Sara McLachlin. Cyndi annoyed me in the 80’s and now she just looks like a model from a granny porn site. Or what I imagine one might look like. Sara didn’t help matters much by yodeling like a Ricola commercial. Must listen to Eva Cassidy’s version of Time After Time to get this disaster out of my head (download here).
Cedric came back out to introduce Eve and Sean Paul to present some category I missed, but the nominees were R Kelly, Omarion, and some other guy and R Kelly won, but was unable to accept his award because he was gettin’ busy with Hillary Duff backstage. The video should be available on the ABC website shortly.
Babyface presented some “outstanding moments” from the past that were neither outstanding nor particularly momentous.
Serena Williams & Frankie J stopped by to present Favorite Latin Music Artist. What’s with Serena and the music scene? First the Rock Star Mansion and now the AMA’s. You don’t see Billie Jean King hanging out in the studio with Korn. Nevertheless, Serena was very well spoken and dwarfed the diminutive Frankie J, whoever the hell that is. Nominees: Daddy Yankee, Luis Miguel, Shakira. Winner – Shakira, after brainwashing the world with those freaking commercials during RS: INXS.
Jesse McCartney came out for no other reason than to piss me off and make me want to drown the dweeb in a giant vat of his own hair gel. Actually he did introduce a medley from Omarion, Bow Wow, and Ciara. I was expecting great pain, but it was not as bad as I had expected. Ciara is not a boner pill, but actually a chick singer that could probably inspire a boner without pharmaceutical intervention. Bow Wow wasn’t all angry and shit and didn’t appear to be singing about shooting anyone or raping her, and I thought he had a pretty smooth delivery. Then Omarion came out and tried to ruin everything with his imitations of Usher, Michael Jackson and Mary Lou Retton all in one, but Bow Wow came back to bring some respect back to the performance. Never thought I'd be saying that. I need to get me some of that Bow Wow apparel – should look good on casual Fridays.
Cedric took a break from the backstage buffet line to introduce Kelly Rowland and Jermaine Dupree to present Favorite Pop Rock Male Artist. Nominees: 50 Cent, Wil Smith, Rob Thomas. Winner – Wil Smith. I didn’t realize he was recording again, but I’m still trying to catch up on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns. In his speech, he pretty much warned his wife that she’s going to be walking funny tomorrow, then let Tim McGraw know that he wasn’t interested in shooting up his fellow rappers or being shot up by his fellow rappers and would like to open for the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Genuwine and some other guy I don’t know dropped in to present Favorite Rap Hip Hop Female Artist. Nominees: Missy Elliot, Lil’ Kim, and Trina. I remember some controversy with a Lil’ Kim dress in the past, so I cheering for her, but Missy Elliot won, probably for her critically acclaimed work for Old Navy, and thanked God.
Lance Armstrong drafted to the podium behind a team of 8 stagehands in a jacket that was clearly a gift from girlfriend Sheryl Crow. He wanted to wear his yellow Tour de France jersey, but Sheryl had “forgotten” to pick it up from the dry cleaner. Lance introduced Los Lonely Boys and Santana, who performed a song that sounded like most other Santana collaborations.
This clearly confused Michelle Branch, who ran onto the stage with some Aussie chick she picked up backstage. To cover up her gaffe, they decided to present the Favorite Album. Nominees: Toby Keith, Gretchen Wilson, Tim McGraw. Tim won again, and brought out his band – the Dancehall Doctors – to share the moment. He also issued a disclaimer to the hip-hop artists that they were not really medical doctors, so gunplay should be kept to a minimum for the evening.
Someone who I believe called himself Jay Lutz came out to introduce Sheryl Crow, who performed a rather pleasant song that I had absolutely no desire to own. Kind of like those chairs at Brookstone. Not bad to sit in while you’re wandering the mall, but you’re not whipping out the credit card to take one home with you.
Tim McGraw came out and sang some song that I might play on a bar jukebox after a half dozen beers and a shot of Yukon Jack.
Cedric introduced Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra and PPoD introduced us to a new facial hair design and celebrated his second anniversary with Carmen by performing “Baby I Love Your Way” in American Sign Language. This left approximately 10 seconds to announce the category (Favorite Pop Rock Band), the nominees (Black Eyed Peas, Green Day, 3 Doors Down), and the winner (Black Eyed Peas). Black Eyed Peas won, but were unable to accept the award because they were likely whoring themselves out in a holiday commercial coming soon to a network near you.
Ryan Seacrest told us the story of how he worked in the coal mines as a young child and developed black lung disease just so he could afford to buy a Eurythmics album. It was all worth it as he got to introduce that very band before he was led offstage and placed back into his iron lung.
Call me a big homo, but I share Ryan’s passion and thought Annie and the band (and some powerhouse backup singers) rocked on their rendition of Missionary Man. I found Sweet Dreams rather anti-climatic, but still rank the performance as best of the evening. The crowd seemed to share my opinion and gave them a hearty ovation.
Cedric introduced Chris Brown and Mary Mary to present Favorite Rap Hip Hop Album. Nominees: Eminem, 50 Cent, TI. Eminen? Best of albums shouldn’t count – who’s running this popsicle stand? Turns out that would be irrelevant since 50 Cent got the win, but was unable to accept the award due to a previous commitment to shoot up that fake butter machine at the only theater that has agreed to show his movie.
More allegedly memorable moments from Babyface.
John Stamos and some chick from Gray’s Anatomy showed up to present a very confusing T-Mobile Text Message Artist of the Year Award. Anyone with a CD burner was eligible and the winner was determined by a text message from John Stamos’ mother after her reading of an issue of People magazine. Kelly Clarkson was congratulated as the winner, John told us she wasn’t there, then they shuffled around, neglected to accept the award for her, dropped their car keys, bumped heads trying to pick them up, and eventually crawled offstage.
Cedric the Introducer introduced Macy Gray, who introduced Rascal Flatts to perform some song that earned them nominations to the Academy Awards next year in the overenthusiastic performance from a backup band category. Congratulations, Rascals.
Sugarland came out to present Favorite Contemporary Inspirational Artist. Nominees:
Casting Crowns, Jars of Clay, Mary Mary. Mary Mary wins, thanks God and Jesus and tells everyone to buy their goddam CD or you’re all going to hell.
Jada Pinkett Smith introduced the All-American Rejects and I wonder what indiscretion a record company executive must have committed in their presence that forced him to sign this band to keep them from going public. Please, take one for the team, buddy – own up to whatever you did and drop these guys for the greater good.
The Backstreet Boys – I dated a girl who had a Backstreet Boys concert ticket in her scrapbook when I should have been dating girls with Rick Springfield tickets in their scrapbooks. It was fun for a while but didn’t work out. Just like the Backstreet Boys careers. Nonetheless, they presented Favorite Country & Western Duo or Group. Nominees: Big & Rich, Brooks & Dunn, Rascal Flatts. I told Mrs. F’er we’re leaving the country if Big & Rich win. Thankfully, her favorite duo Brooks and Dunn won again and we don’t have to start packing.
Paris Hilton came out with her big bag of nothing, accompanied by some dude from Desperate Housewives to present Favorite Soul R&B Album. Nominees: Mariah Carey, Destiny’s Child, Fantasia. Destiny’s Child wins again, and again, one of the chicks that isn’t Beyonce accepts the award and thanks Jesus when she should be thanking Beyonce for bringing her spare ass along this far.
Nicole Richie was apparently kicked out of Salt Lake City for stealing a police car and pissing on the mayor’s house, so Cedric comes out one last time to introduce the Rolling Stones live via satellite. Mick is saying something, but I’m not sure what the hell it is. Keith thinks it funny, though, so maybe I just haven’t had enough to drink. They finally play a song and I can’t decide if the song sucks, the mix sucks, or if I suck for wasting three hours of my evening watching this.
They come back and play “Only Rock and Roll” and I know the song doesn’t suck. So now I can’t decide if they suck, the mix sucks, or I suck for sticking out the rest of the show. Luckily, the break away in the middle of the song, so that my local news station can tease their story on why it may be dangerous to start my car tomorrow morning.
If you’re going to the Lovehammers show, hopefully this will make you appreciate it even more. If not, find yourself something worthy to wash your ears out with this holiday weekend – perhaps Leper Pop favorite Beth Hart. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.