Saturday, November 05, 2005

Friday Night Lites

Friday nights at the F’er household are pretty mellow. Between work and writing sonnets for Crystal Bernard, I’m usually all tuckered out by Friday and Mrs. F’er has to get up early for work on Saturday morning. Either that, or she’s going to temple and hasn’t told me that she’s Jewish. Maybe I’ll follow her someday if I’m up before nine.

So we make a pizza (never with pork sausage… my suspicion grows) and plant ourselves in front of the television. While the pizza is baking we usually have a discussion that I can usually stretch out for at least five minutes before Mrs. F’er realizes the utter ridiculousness of it and threatens to remove my jugular with the pizza cutter. Tonight I was quizzing her on the location of my various scars and broken bones. Whoever said marriage is boring? She was doing pretty well until I asked her about the location of my third nipple, which I would think would be cool to have and use to squirt people. She correctly pointed out that I do not possess a third nipple, but then she made a critical error and, in an apparent reference to my lack of mammary glands, asked what I planned to squirt people with. I answered “cherry limeade” without hesitation as she reached for the pizza cutter. I was now intrigued with my imaginary third nipple filled with cherry limeade and asked her if she would drink the cherry limeade from my nipple. I was deeply offended when she said no. What’s wrong with my cherry limeade nipple, I thought to myself. Actually, I asked her directly and we debated about it for several minutes. Eventually, she expressed some concern over the sugar content so I offered to fill it with Splenda just for her, but she reminded me that artificial sweeteners are even worse in her opinion. I put her in hypothetical situations such as a long, dusty bike ride on a hot day with no water and she still refused the cool nipple refreshment. I finally got her to agree to drink it only if it was filled with ice water and she was suffering severe dehydration.

If the timing is right, the pizza comes out of the oven at 7 p.m. just in time to catch the repeat of The Apprentice on CNBC. I love watching Carolyn and George give those cocky jackass wannabes all sorts of hell for being incompetent. George is kind of sexy when he yells at them. Did I say George? I meant Carolyn. I think Randall has the thing locked up unless he gets some bad acid and tries to surf on the boardroom table, but I also hope they keep Rebecca around just for being so darn cute.

When 8 p.m. rolls around we have recently discovered Survivorman on The Science Channel. Those wacky Science Channel producers pick some remote location in the world and drop our hero off with nothing more than a Swiss army knife, a bag of cheetos, a copy of Barely Legal, and his camera equipment to film his quest to survive seven days until they come to pick him up. Since the extent of my outdoor survival training has consisted of eating some girl scout cookies once a year, this show has given me the confidence that I, too, can make a bed out of monkey turds and live off the land without suffering a Violet Beauregarde-like fate.

The night climaxes with The Soup on E! at 9 p.m. A wacky 30 minute recap of your favorite reality and talk show moments from the week. Sid says check it out. Capture the maximum idiocy in the minimum amount of time.

At 9:30 p.m. it’s time for dessert, but I’ll save my bread pudding debacle for another time….

As Mrs. F’er heads off to a peaceful slumber, I check the household coffers to see if the stash is sufficient to support my early retirement. The shortfall throws me into a deep fit of depression and I spend the rest of the evening composing dirges on my Casio keyboard, hopeful that dirges will take over pop radio in the near future and flood my mailbox with royalty checks. As I lay me down to sleep, I practice creative visualization by picturing myself on stage with my Casio keyboard headlining Dirge-a-Palooza before thousands of morose fans and slowly drift off into Saturday morning.


Leper Hopeful said...

I wonder who will be the first to comment that they would love to drink or be squirted from Sid's 3rd nipple. I could have been the first, but I decided to stand in solidarity with Mrs. F'er.

village idiot said...

We have yet to learn the location of said beverage-dispenser. And the mechanics of it, how it works. Is it operated with a lever? Or does it leak when not in dispensing mode like a nursing mother's would? Is it carbonated? Splenda is too sweet and sugar is often too much for my system in a beverage, so can I have a regular diet version? How many flavors are available? If there's ice water, where does the ice come from? Is it purified? Mineral-enriched?

Sid, wonder no more about your wife. Does she have Faye Kellerman books? Does she know who Faye Kellerman is? Yes to both of those could mean she's liking that kind of book, but here's the real test. Ask her what some of the terms are in the book regarding various rituals of the Jewish as mentioned in the books, and if she first answers your question with a question, that's the first affirmation. The second affirmation will be if she spews forth a long and detailed explanation of what it is, how it's pronounced, and why it's important.

On the other hand if she wasn't exposed to it via friends or the educational system, she may reply to your question with "A...what?"

Which is why I don't read Faye Kellerman books anymore. There's no area in the back of the book that tells me what she's talking about. Writers should be more conscientious about their writing.

I'm reading some Randy Wayne White books and I'd appreciate some pictures and diagrams. Pictures of fish. Diagrams of boats and their parts. Generic pictures of Florida and the Everglades. And explanations as to why a bunch of little islands are called "Keys". And also why they built bridges to all the little islands. And why they didn't put in a zippy bullet train on the same bridges to expedite removal of tourists and residents for hurricanes.

There was one book, that was kind of lame, that was like a Christian action-adventure book. LOL! But at least the author explained some of the Christian rituals so dummies like me would have an inkling as to what it meant.

Well, I missed the Apprentice, but I was so annoyed at the only episode I'd seen that I wouldn't watch it anyway. And doggone it, I still don't have cable. Cable is soooo expensive. But I'll check into it, because seems to me they used to have a good deal on "basic cable". That's all I'd want. I don't want the movie channels or all the other filler. I like the "educational" type channels. There is some of that on PBS, but not enough. I need more stuff about space. More undersea explorations. More traveling to other areas to study tse-tse flies or grain production in sub-Saharan regions.

I smell a blog, by the way. Bush has required staff to learn ethics. I hope he learns something too.


William Shakespeare said...

Brevity is the soul of wit...
Mrs. F'er says, "that ain't your nipple!"

keysunset said...

why a bunch of little islands are called "Keys"

Andree, I'm told that it comes from the Spanish "cayo", meaning low-lying island. "Cayo Hueso" which is island of bones, became anglicized to "Key West" in Florida.

And also why they built bridges to all the little islands. Again, drawing on the Florida keys experience, lots of reasons but especially: Henry Flagler. Look him up. Fascinating story of a man with a vision. Transportation down the Florida keys to Key West was part of his vision for the Florida East Coast Railroad.

And why they didn't put in a zippy bullet train on the same bridges to expedite removal of tourists and residents for hurricanes. One reason may just be natural disasters, like the several hurricanes that plagued Flagler's building of the Keys Extention of his railroad or the hurricane of 1935 that effectively killed the "railroad that went to sea."

I love visting the Florida Keys and Key West. My first visit was in 1989 with hubby (no kids then!) when we drove down from Boca Raton (where hubby had gone for business) to Key West for a weekend. It was a spur of the moment idea, I flew in from NC and we drove down to KW without even a reservation for a place to stay. You can do that kind of craziness when you have no kids. We've been back to the keys four times since (the latest this past summer - with our kids!) My answers to your questions are based on what I've read in books, online, and what gets fed to the tourists. You should do your own research (check out some of the web cams too, maybe you can catch a sunset!), but I LOVE to talk about Key West, so I couldn't resist ....

We do touristy stuff in the Everglades as well. Including, I must confess, the non-eco-friendly airboat ride. I LOVE riding in an airboat, especially with a guide that will include going fast and making wild 360 turns.

I'm sorry this is turning into the keysunset blog. I blame Andree for getting me started! he he he

I'm not sure if I want to drink from Sid's third nipple either. I think it depends on what is being squirted and where it is located. For example, if it were marguerita or pina colada mix (sorry, no alcohol for me) and we were in Key West during Fantasy Fest, I might think it over ... oh, but only with Mrs. F'er's permission of course!

village idiot said...

Thanks Key! Now I'm remembering something about that railroad, it was probably in the first Randy Wayne White (say that name fast) book I read. Or maybe in one of the Carl Hiaasen books or Laurence Shames.

If you haven't read ANY of those authors, you're in for a treat. Because they're all characters wandering around Florida. And some of the stuff in Hiaasen and Shames is HILARIOUS.

I like pictures. When they talk about various places, I want to see pictures. It doesn't have to be of fictional places, which are, of course, fictional. But places that exist.

When they talk about roads, I want a road map. I got my directions turned around in a Koontz novel and was totally lost. Like "the setting sun still carried the heat of the day and burned the left side of the face" or something...and I have them heading east. LOL! They can't BE heading east and get the setting sun on the left side of their face.

On Katherine Neville book had a few illustrations. Because some of it was so far in the past and I am no world history buff, they were very helpful. How can I imagine something I have never seen and isn't well described?

Say, why can't they do an underwater train to the keys and remove the roads? Like we have BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) that goes under San Francisco Bay. And isn't there a tunnel going to the U.K.?

Ooooh, even more fun, nifty underwater submarines that run on a track like at Disneyland! Woo hoo! With big windows. It wouldn't matter if it was stormy overhead. And it would be really cool to sight-see.

Ooooh, and underwater restaurants too. With a deck that would go far above the water. So you could come up from the restaurant in the middle of the Gulf. Wow! Cool!

I have GOT to stop rereading this blog of Sid's. I know have a major craving for pizza. With sausage. I don't know what kind of dead things that sausage is made of, but I like the kind that has those seeds in it. Cumin seeds, I think. Oh, that's soooo gooood.

Anyone else get pizza cravings?

I've never been on an airboat. Bet that would be fun. At least those things don't hurt manatees, right?

I'm glad you take the kids on adventures. I think that's good for kids. Have you folks ever tried camping?

Did you know there's a place in Arkansas that you can camp and go mining for diamonds? Really. Check it out:

There's a little water park. They have bathrooms. And laundry facilities. And a cafe. Is that $14.50 per person or per spot? Anyway, lots of BIG diamonds have been found there by regular people.

This is the ideal way for less financially gifted guys to propose to their bride. If she doesn't want to dig in the dirt for her own diamond, she's not a wife worth having. LOL!

Anyway, try the camping thing with the kids. It's good exercise to be out in nature and with all the accessories available some folks don't even appear to be camping, they have more room in their tents than I have in my apartment.


Sid, darn you and that pizza reference!

village idiot said...

It was only a matter of time before I started plugging in decorative accessories.

Appropriate door mat for the entry of the Leperous House of Pop:

Sid, don't even THINK about putting in on the main entry without checking with Ms. F'er, but perhaps you could use it on the garage entry of the F'er homestead. For if you do try to use it in the main entry, you may find it being put to use at the entry to the dog house, where you'll be living indefinitely with your fine new mat.


village idiot said...

Just HAD to come right back after finding their holiday selections:

I just love that Charlie Brown Pathetic Tree.

But there are things there for those who don't feel sorry for the little tree. Like Randolph the Butt Nosed Reindeer ornament.

Holiday cards that really show the religious aspect of the season, Jesus speaks unto the little children.

And very festive finger wrapping paper.

They ought to sell a kit to make those can trees as pictured on one of the cards too.

Where else are you going to find your Family Guy talking ornaments? Your Monty Python Black Knight (uh, I'm not sure how that relates to Christmas, I must have forgotten if the Black Knight was the great bringer of gifts???). Your "A Christmas Story" figurines, complete with the dad and that darned leg lamp.

How about a blog on the holidays and ornamentation?


jen fan said...

I really like your blog and think you have interesting opinions.
Check out my blog on doormats and holiday decorations.

village idiot said...

Jen, consider the whole site like a newspaper. Read what you like. Don't read what you don't like.

Believe me, if the guys had any problem at all with anything I posted, or all of what I posted, it wouldn't be here.

They can delete, they can edit.

I'm NOT the main attraction here. Sid and Moist and their blogs are the BIG thing, the FRONT PAGE. THAT is what brings people here. Go reread some of the Rockstar blogs. Funniest stuff ever!

I like to participate in a small way on the back pages. Maybe it entertains a few people. Maybe not you.

When I read the blogs, there are a constant flood of things that the blogs bring to mind. It all relates somehow to something I read in the blog, or it branches out from those things.

The mat was because of Sid's "F'er" name. F'er, F'ing. The other stuff was from the same site as the mat, and I thought some of it was funny, and that perhaps someone else might think they were funny too. Maybe not you.


jen fan said...

VI - I'm not Jen, just a fan.

And it's sufficently decreased MY enjoyment of the site. Since it's not new fun comments to read anymore. It's VI after VI. Finding good comments is like a needle in a haystack.

If that looks familiar, it's one of your previous comments with "VI" substituted for "spam". At least the spammers have a point and get to it within 20 words.

keysunset said...

I practice creative visualization by picturing myself on stage with my Casio keyboard headlining Dirge-a-Palooza before thousands of morose fans

WOW! I've been trying creative visualization in my spare time today trying to put together the Dirge-a-Palooza-Moist-Rhythm 'n' Blues-Review-Leprosy-Reunion-Tour. OUCH! I think I need more brain cells. I do think there's a great idea in here somewhere ... especially the flood of royalty checks ...

Sid F'er said...

Don't forget the ABBA karaoke side stage...

keysunset said...

Oh yeah! And hey, at one of the Lollapalooza's L7 was cutting hair for a few lucky wild souls. What could the lepers do ...

No, really, I'm not the village idiot said...

Jen fan, you're not "jen" just a "fan"? Of who? A fan of jen? Huh? Like one of those movie people Jennifer somebody or other?

What "fun" comments did you like?

Have you posted any "fun" comments?

Your chosen name isn't familiar, so have you ever posted before? Or the only thing you can think of to post is to bitch at me? With all the great stuff here, that's it?

What's say I sit out the next blog, eh? And the rest of whatever comments may come in on this last one. Unless other folks want me to post, I'll shut up.

Will you be satisfied then? What if there are no other comments? Who will you complain about next? Which of the regular or new comment posting people will annoy you?


jen fan said...

There have been plenty of fun comments. Comments, as in "observations or remarks." Not your pointless, stream of consciousness ramblings that dominate this area.
You are correct that I haven't posted much. I look at the front page and see Moist, Sid and the Captain as contributors. I understand that this little section of the www does not revolve around me.
To answer your questions if you choose not to post the blog will undoubtedly survive without you and I will continue to enjoy their posts. Even if there are no other comments. Maybe simpletons like me might even be more inclined to post a comment. I'll likely not have any complaints until the next Tolstoy comes around.

Rodney King said...

Can we get along here? Can we all get along?

Moist Rub said...

No, people will never be able to get along. That is why there will always be war. That's just how it is.

AMAI said...

Survivorman is a totally awesome show! Love it!! I think we've seen all of them and await new ones!

This third nipple - it's not by any chance attached to a bratwurst, is it?

I've been busy reading & writing erotic literature & fantasy. I've had to involve Mr. AMAI for "research purposes," and it's curtailed my board time.

Good to see you're still pumping out the commentary, Sid!!

Melton's Tuna Can said...

Happy Birthday wishes go out to Stiv00 (Marty's smartest brother) and our very our Moist Rub

Your "Gifts" are in the mail.


Beltin' Bill

keysunset said...

Happy Birthday wishes go out to Stiv00 (Marty's smartest brother) and our very our Moist Rub

Happy Birthday! I'd send you both some cake, but the last time I tried to put some in the CD-ROM drive, the computer told me "user error."

Anyway, have a great day! Go out and paint the town red!

keysunset said...

This third nipple - it's not by any chance attached to a bratwurst, is it? That must be why Sid is begging us not to bite his nipples. Oh, pass the mustard. (I must be feeling kinky today.)

violet, viola, violin said...

Ahhh, the birthday explains why Moist fell face first into a cow patty and didn't wash it off all weekend.

And, yes, I am posting. Moist also said that I should do what I want and have sex with everyone else.

Sid agreed.

As long as the guys at the site have no problem with my ramblings, then I shall post.

Moistalicious, I hope your birthday was a fine one. You'll need to check with friends and strangers to make sure, if you don't remember much.

Stiv00, birthday wishes to you as well!

Congratulations both of you for making it alive and completing yet another journey around the sun on this planet.


jen fan said...

I knew it was too good to be true. I missed the part where other folks wanted you to post. However, welcome back. I don't know how the blog survived without you for almost a full day.

AMAI said...

Mustard, Keysunset? I think this particular "bratwurst" would be just as tasty smothered in marmalade or chocolate. Heh heh.

Okay, I admit it - I'm out of control. I just started two new stories at the Sucks board, one about Brandon and one about Jamie - that's a news item for the Survivor fans, of which I realize there may be none here, so I'll shut up on that now.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY Moist & Stiv00. I'm sure by the time either of you read this it will be a late wish.

keysunset said...

Lord have mercy, AMAI, I wasn't even going down that road. Heh, heh, but you are already down there lighting bonfires to show the way.

Just a little quote to those to whomever it applies:
Don't let's make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter.
Oliver Goldsmith, The Good-Natured Man

Now I'll duck as the tomatoes continue to fly.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. F'er says, "Bratwurst, it's more like a cocktail wienie..."

virtue victorious said...

Too many food references. Winged tomatoes. Chocolate covered sausages. Beverages from third man-nipples. Snack bar foods from Dirge-a-Palooza-Moist-Rhythm 'n' Blues-Review-Leprosy-Reunion-Tour with ABBA karaoke side stage with float driven by Nina.

JF, you missed it because it was via email. Say, that reminds me of...



jen fan said...

Of course it was.
Thank you for the recap of all the other comments and the inside joke. I know it increased my enjoyment of the blog.

oscar mayer said...

if a wiener needs to be covered in condiments to taste good it is not worth eating.