Sunday, November 27, 2005

Rock Star Revisited

Now that we’re eight weeks removed from the Rock Star finale, I think enough time has gone by that I can go back and see if my opinion of our favorite rockers has changed without the mansion show or weekly performances to influence me. To help rank them, I’ll consider what it would take to get me to one of their performances. In order of not roitness:

Dana: She’s the one that didn’t get to spend a single night in the mansion after trying to impress the band with a performance art piece by singing “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” in the cacophonic style of Black & Decker power tools.
If I were in the same city as Dana, I would hitchhike out on a prison bus just to make sure I wasn’t around in case she started to sing.

Wil: His singing wasn’t terrible, it was his smarmy stage presence that pissed me off. Hate to tell you this, but he was the first to eyefuck all you ladies. He took your visual virginity before Marty even gazed your direction. Except Wil’s gaze was more like a rape. Marty learned from Wil, took out some of the smarm, had the decency to buy you dinner first, and let the game come to him.
I was in the same city when Wil was performing, right next door as a matter of fact, and I didn’t make it to the show. I will avoid his shows at all costs just to avoid becoming spellbound under his seductive gaze.

Neal: His departure created great sadness among the rockers that had become BFF in the two weeks he knew them. They vowed to keep in touch, but I don’t think he’s been riding shotgun in any Honda Civics since the show ended. I would hire him if I were an event planner in charge of finding a last-minute replacement for a Mick Jagger impersonator that just cancelled, but otherwise I don’t have a need for his musical stylings.
If he was playing at a block party, I might take a walk to see what the ruckus was about but would get right back to the horseshoe tournament.

Heather: I like Heather, but her Sheryl Crow cover was so bad that Lance Armstrong thought about breaking up with the real Sheryl Crow. Until then I thought she rocked out to some good tunes. In retrospect, I think I might have overrated her most. Kind of like when you go to a show, buy the band’s CD in a drunken euphoria, and then spend the rest of your life trying to pawn it off to somebody. The used CD store won’t pay a nickel for it and the people at your garage sale laugh at the 25 cent sticker on the case.
If Heather was playing at the same block party as Neal I might check out a few songs as long as there were no Sheryl Crow covers and I didn’t have any cash for CD’s.

Daphna: The lovely Daphna Dove got bounced the same week as Heather in the shocking double elimination show after she showed up in a wedding dress and didn’t realize the band had a fear of commitment. Too bad, because I really liked her look and her covers of Blondie, the Doors, and Joan Jett. I like the tunes currently posted up on her myspace page (and her pic) and hope she’s not too busy studying string theory to make some new music.
I would get in my car and drive downtown on a school night and pay a cover charge to see Daphna. I hope that makes her feel better. Because I’m all about making people feel better.

Tara: Might be the most underrated. Unlike Heather, I think Tara got stuck with songs that just didn’t suit her style. Who the hell put Paranoid on the songboard to begin with? I think that was a practical joke by an intern that didn’t get corrected in time. Some rocker woke up early to take a leak, wandered into the song mill, and before you know it Rafael is having to brush up on his Tony Iommi riffs.
I might play a Tara CD in the background at work and if it passes muster I might pony up the $10 “donation” when she plays the local coffeehouse.

Brandon: I think Brandon was as clever as Marty, but just wasn’t able to communicate it as well. Brandon was obviously trying to capture the big southern dummy faction and meet INXS halfway. Unfortunately, I can’t help him communicate that, either, since I’m not sure what the halfway point is between 80’s dance rock and southern rock. If he can figure that out, I’m sure he’ll get to perform at halftime of all the NASCAR races. They do have halftime, don’t they?
If Brandon was playing some Skynyrd at my subway stop it probably wouldn’t piss me off, but I don’t think I’d encourage him by dropping any tips in his guitar case unless they were concerning his wardrobe.

Jessica: The taping that Leper Pop attended was the only one in which Jessica did not sport the low riders and belly shirt. It’s also the week she finally got booted. I didn’t mind listening to her sing INXS tunes when she was half naked, but her other songs would have required more skin than the censors would have allowed to keep me interested.
From the looks of her website it appears that her normal stagewear is back from the drycleaner, so I might hit a show if some friends needed a designated driver and I was guaranteed a table and the club served really good milkshakes and had a really, really good jukebox for between sets and maybe one of them shuffleboard bowling tables to amuse me in case I got bored.

Deanna: I’m impressed that she made it this deep into the competition. She probably bought herself a couple weeks with the lap dances, but it was obvious that her voice just wasn’t roit for the INXS no matter how bad they wanted to put a stripper pole on their tour bus.
I’d like to have a few beers, see her perform in a smoky, blues bar on a small stage with a three piece band behind her, and buy her CD. I probably wouldn’t play it much at home, but wouldn’t be as pissed about it as my Heather CD.

Ty: He has a lovely voice that I never ever want to hear again. I’d rather be locked in a padded cell with that annoying Shakira commercial. I’d rather listen to Brooke sing showtunes. I’m a lover, not a fighter, but something about Ty just made me want to punch him in nose.
Even if I were at a strip club getting a lap dance from Crystal Bernard and Shania Twain, I would have to leave if Ty’s music started up.

Jordis: She still rocks. I almost let you anti-Ungites talk me into thinking she was overrated. I thought we were past anti-Ungism in the world today, but sadly it still exists. I’m not afraid to turn up my iTunes when the shuffle mode presents Ms. Unga, and I’m curious to hear what she will bring us in the future.
I would go see her perform locally and even offer her a home cooked meal and use of our laundry facilities. Laundromats are depressing, even more so on the road.

Suzie: Now that I don’t have to watch her cry, get drunk, eat asscake, exercise, rehearse, scrapbook, repair cars, raise turtles, clean the pool, tend to the garden, peel vegetables and pontificate on the day’s events thrice weekly, I find I appreciate her voice much more.
I’d make tentative plans to see her if she ever came to my town, but would probably bail out last minute.

MiG: His stage presence was heavily affected by the faux Tony award up his ass, but his vocals on the rock tunes were respectable. He might have had a chance if he would have kept his inner balladeer inside where he belonged and let his best friend Brian May yank that faux Tony award out of his ass. Getting drunk and puking in the mansion might have helped his reputation, as long as it wasn’t on wine coolers or Zima.
Sid F’er has been known to attend the theater on occasion, and that might be MiG’s only chance to get a share of the F’er entertainment budget. But only if it happens by accident. I’m not lining up for tickets to Grease or his little Queenie show.

Marty: Ah, yes, Mahty. All reports indicate that he still rocks. I was getting a little worried with his growing affinity for statuesque performances dedicated to eyefucking the women. They did showcase his growing diversity and are standing the test of time, but sometimes you just want to see a mf’er climb some rafters and bury the intensity meter. He ended up maintaining his integrity, getting some good PR, and not making an ass out of himself in the process while on a reality TV show. Not easily done.
Leper Pop traveled a collective 7,036 round trip miles and braved the mean streets of West Hollywood to see our man sing a Britney Spears song. I considered attending the Metro show, but it would have involved leaving Mrs. F’er alone on Thanksgiving day and I probably would have ended up with a 16 pound turkey up my ass upon my return. It was a tough call, but I think I made the right choice.

JD: Early in the season, I put his odds of winning at 25:1. I had not watched much reality TV before RS: INXS, so Mark Burnett obviously owned me. Even though JD had some moments where the wheels went flying off the JD-Mobile, I believe he does have some vocal and songwriting talent and was roit for the job.
That being said, I don’t have much interest in seeing him with or without his new band. If they add a Dallas date with the Lovehammers I’ll be there, but otherwise I’ll be content with the Michael Hutchence versions I already have on CD.

So it looks like my post mortem report places them in the following order of my personal preference:
Marty, Jordis, Suzie, Daphna, Deanna, JD, Tara, Brandon, Jessica, Heather, MiG, Neal, Wil, Dana, and Ty.

Comments from any of you lesser mortals out there?

23 comments:

twinkle said...

So right about Wil. His eyes had a way of boring into me... and making me feel like my skin was crawling with maggots. I need brain bleach just thinking about him.

And thanks for plugging Zima. I have such fond memories of the time I drank a six-pack, called the Zima hotline to ask why I was drunk off my ass and then passed out in the backseat of my car. Those were the days.

hnhvjkg said...

Sorry, I must have been one of the few that didn't appreciate the Wil eyegaze. Or Wil for that matter. Marty has been my second favorite obsession since he did "Lithium," but Mr. Key has all y'all beat hands down.

I'm not telling down where. Whoo hoo!

keysunset said...

Now you know that my alter ego is none other than hnhvjkg!

Doggone user error.

HillMama said...

I have to agree that JD was roit fer ah bend. I saw JD and discovered the dream. So I began to follow the dream until soon I became as one with the dream. Now I am fully living the dream that was the dream that was being dreamed, but is now the dream that I am living as a dream that was once dreamed but is now fulfilled. I can't help it because I am but a mere human being, being human. Seriously, dancing monkey.

keysunset said...

So, hillmama, if I understand correctly the dream that you are living fully that is now fulfilled has, indeed, beome reality. Does that mean the rest of us are living in fantasy, or just haven't found the dream. I found the Marty Casey/Sid F'er/Moist Rub dream and I walked through that door. Because I am all about feeling good.

P.S. House lost me last week. I seriously want Night Stalker: Captain Break-it to appear on some small screen near me.

Jen said...

It's ok that HillMama's dream is different from the rest of ours, because she respects our dream and that means more for us.
Wil teaching Marty the eyefuck at least shows that there was some point to his life.
Lastly, depending on the size of the turkey, it just might have been worth taking it up the ass to be there to watch Marty climbing shit again, the Metro show was incredible!!! Too bad I forgot my Richard Nixon mask at the hotel so Moist never found me.

Rocakaka said...

"...I probably would have ended up with a 16 pound turkey up my ass upon my return."

I guess things like this explains the funny little swagger.

Jules said...

Hillmama, there's nothing wrong with your dream but I think you should incorporate a little more Mahty into your diet before you become completely assimilated into the JD Borg. It's a good thing you had the presence of mind to seek psychiatric help from Our Lepers: Moist and F'er. We're all here for you. Group hug, everyone!

friendly said...

Go to the link below to listen to Ty shortly after being turned out. Listening to this, even with the passage of time, I still want to punch him too.

http://tinyurl.com/7skdy

keysunset said...

Listening to this, even with the passage of time, I still want to punch him too. Oh Friendly, I don't know what possessed me to listen to that link! Now I think I want to punch you too for providing me the opportunity to want to punch Ty again. I think I'm "better off" to just "walk away."

Sid F'er said...

For anyone not from Snarkgasm who isn't familiar with Hill Mama's work, I recently checked out her blog (click the link to her name). I didn't have to time to read a lot of it, but I highly recommend "Lost in LA" or the Levi Photo Shoot to get a flavor.

Anonymous said...

Agree w/ everything. You cracked me up as always. I read everything here and have never been dissapointed. Of course, I'm on lots and lots of painkillers right now. Everything is lovely.

And hillmama-visited your blog. I fell out of my chair laughing. I will add you to my weekly blog reading. Hope you get the DVD soon though it doesn't look like you will.

jen said...

This is how it starts...just like the Lovehammers, pretty soon HillMama will be too big to hang with us little people. Just remember your snarky roots, you made us laugh first!

HillMama said...

Aw, thanks sid f'er for the nice comments about the blog. Now I will have to mentally take back all the things I said about you guys for not falling in love with sweet Batshit Jason during RS:INXS. Not that I did or anything. Nope, not me. I only have eyes for Bobby from the LHs. BTW, do y'all have his phone number?

And in case anyone was wondering I still have no Damn DVD and don't expect one in the near future. If I would just keep my snarky mouth shut and work on the gasming side of things I might get more action. Wait, that sounds wrong. Oh, hell whatever, I'm sure you get my point.

Anonymous said...

This is why I went anonymous. I knew if I complimented a Snarker that I would get comments. You guys scare me!

bibi said...

Can't recall now if it was Sid or Moist's sister who called during summer RS:INXS perfs. to say that JD was channeling not the dream, his dream, but Ethel Merman. That comment still makes me laugh. I saw ol' JD with er bend on the VH1 Live thingie of PV this afternoon and Jason is still doing the yucky "ova the lin-ah" thing. I wish those boys all the best, but the true snarky prize goes to the sister ... I hope she really exists and that the phone call was real-ah. I love the Marty but am also sick of Trees. That being said -- TBS -- Pretty Vegas is one great big hunk of chees-ah.

What happened to Captain Break-It? He had a couple of us dames ready to mud wrestle each other with the Porno Playboy thing a few weeks ago and he now seems to be gone. Am I missing something? Did it just get too hot in the oven?

Good call on the 16-lb turkey. Milkshakes seem to be the new in (and out) thing-ah.

Moist Rub said...

Captain Break-it is like an orgasm. You only get one once or twice a year or so. Or maybe that's just me.

Yes, hard to believe considering all of the shit I've made up on this blog, the sister-Ethel Merman phone call really happened.

bibi said...

I'm a happy happy broad ... The sister is real and momentous occasions occur once or twice a year. To others of course -- in foreign provinces ... Hurrah--Hurrah-ah ... And best regards to your sist-ah.

Captain Break-It ... I suffer from Marty Mania but Break-It Mania would be good too. Come back, Shane. Come back!

keysunset said...

Oh, glorius Sid, now you have introduced us to the brilliance that is hillmama. I am in awe of all this great talent. Lost in LA is genius.

So, if it is the CASEY eyef***, I guess Marty DIDN'T learn it from Wil after all and ALL the Caseys can do it?! I don't care, keep bringin' Marty on for me ....

keysunset said...

uh, sorry, should have been GLORIOUS Sid

*slinks away*

Leper Hopeful said...

This is a story about a guy who supposedly gets some pretty special "bonuses" for his work in the IT field. If you scroll down there's also an article about how to make sure your woman isn't cheating on you (or catch her in the act). I thought some of you mind find it interesting.

http://www.syncmag.com/article2/0,1895,1887761,00.asp

keysunset said...

Heh heh heh, leper hopeful. That was funny. I'm lucky, I have my own live in computer geek when I need to get, ah, defragged.

Leper Hopeful said...

Glad you enjoyed it keysunset
Happy defragging ;)