Next Great American Band - Dec 7

Before I start I just wanted to say that I went out this week to see some real live music in a real live bar with real live music fans. Even though I had to drive through the snow and came home smelling like smoke and only got two hours sleep before having to get up for work… it was totally worth it and beat any possible night of watching television. I suggest you do the same. (By the way, two thumbs way up for Broad Tosser and The Von Ehrics for rocking the house that night.)

But since I started this show, let’s keep going. Winners never quit and quitters don’t get stuck watching crap television. We’re down to like, what, five bands and they’re still dragging this out to an hour? I hope they do it by adding commercials since I watch this on DVR. Now I find out it’s Queen week. I like Queen, which means this is going to piss me off. I like a nice steak, but I know better than to order one at Denny’s. Hmmm… I made a steak reference in an earlier post this week – maybe I need a good filet.

The Clark Brothers took on two new band members so they were called in from the green room to take on Those Were The Days Of Our Lives, Queen’s tribute to daytime television. I still like these guys and I can see that they reluctantly added the new members to appease the judges and stay on the show, but for me it took away some of what made them unique. I wanted to say it just made them a less cheesy version of Six Wire, but I didn’t want to insult the Clark Brothers like that. Let’s just say it was like asking for A1 at a nice steakhouse. Wow, another steak reference. Somebody get me a cow, stat.

America kicked me square in the nuts again and voted Light of Doom back to the stage to perform We Will Rock You. Our miniature wannabe rock lords this week started their song demonstrating their Japanese taiko drumming skills, so that in case the whole metal thing doesn’t work out they can don some hachimaki and apply as entertainment at their local hibachi restaurant. Crap, another steakhouse reference. But I digress. The song lent itself to some good guitar riffs, but the singer took all emotion and melody out of the vocals and the lead guitarist substituted a generic metal solo in place of anything even close to the original, classic guitar solo. Fortunately, all three judges placed an ice pack on my sore nether region by agreeing with me this week and almost making the boys and their fans cry.

Six Wire re-elevated my pain when they were called out to perform Fat-Bottomed Girls. Even though I don’t care for these guys, I usually give them their props as talented musicians, but this just sounded flatter than the earth before 1492. Maybe it just points out how great a group Queen was. I distracted myself from their music by trying not to believe that the Burden Brothers broke up because that was really Vaden Todd Lewis on guitar duty for Six Wire. That would make them even more despised. At least they didn’t inspire any steak references.

Two bands left in the green room, one band leaves. I’d rather have Denver and the Invesco Field Orchestra and Dot Dot Dot fight it out with chain saws, but the producers went with the standard, but boring, let America vote option. I’ll give Dot Dot Dot credit for making it to the top five, but there’s just something a little bit more humiliating by having to to go home after losing a head to head faceoff against a swing band. And America gave us Denver and Company to perform Sleeping On The Sidewalk. Way to go, Denver, you get a catalog like Queen’s to choose from and a band big enough to do any of it and you pick an obscure deep side-two cut that very few people know. Surprisingly, it sounded like a Denver and the Ivesco Field Orchestra song. Pretty good but not exactly groundbreaking stuff here.

Okay that moved fairly quickly…oh, wait, my DVR shows we have 26 minutes left. I’m hoping for a 26 minute infomercial for the ab-rocker, but I don’t think I’ll be so lucky. Ah, the remaining bands get to do an original, too.

Clark Brothers – Homestead
Cool tune even though the lyrics were a little Six Wire-ish (that’s not a compliment), but I’d rather see them back as a threesome. Even Charlie didn’t add any Angels when he made the transition from television to the big screen. Nope, Charlie had conviction. With the drums and bass, it seems like they’re destined to be a more interesting opener for a cheesy hit making band like Six Wire.

Light of Doom – A Matter Of Time
The band actually sounded decent here even though the song was as distinctive as a bowl of mashed potatoes. And by band, I mean the music, as any song sung by anyone under the age of 17 sounds like it belongs in a school pageant instead of on the radio or my iPod.

Six Wire – Go On
It’s too bad they made the decision to sell their souls to Simon Fuller and the American Idol franchise – with a little more patience they probably could have gotten a record deal since breaking into the safety deposit box that holds the secret formula to cheesy Nashville success.

Denver & IFO – Big White House
The actual song was pretty good, but not as performed by them. I might have voted for them had they dropped Denver and hired a woman with some soul to bring it on home. Like Eleanor Roosevelt.

And like Eleanor Roosevelt used to do on those long cold nights in the big White House, I’m calling it a night and curling up with a bottle of cheap scotch and a dog-eared copy of the Kama Sutra.