Rock Star - Sept 5 - Sid

Even hot chicks make tragic fashion decisions once in a while. But my girlfriend Brooke made an ice cream and pickle decision standing in front of her closet tonight. It was that bad. She looked like a wedding present. I’m sure the gals at Rock Star: A Fashion Tragedy would be happy to help. Just pick up the phone. They’re always home. Just dial 36 24 36 – hey!

Brooke also told the rockers that they shouldn’t worry about getting sacked, since Ryan has taken over the #1 spot on MSN since leaving. And if a dillhole like him can do it…. However, Brooke failed to mention that Ryan’s only competition on MSN is the 4th grade chorus from Grant Avenue Elementary School and some B-sides from Miami Sound Machine.

OK, now, you weren’t really expecting me to give you a recap of the recap were you? That would be especially dumb since all you really have to do is scroll down now to our earlier posts. You know how to scroll, don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow.

Dilana
Behind Blue Eyes – Man, if someone can’t handle a reality show without getting hurt, how do they expect her to handle a world tour? And during rehearsal? How do you tear a friggin’ calf muscle during a reality show rehearsal? I say if you don’t understand the importance of stretching, then you shouldn’t be rewarded with some goon to carry you around. You should have to suffer the deserved humiliation of having to wheel your sorry excuse for a rock star ass out there yourself. The only star that deserves to be carried around is Shania Twain. But that won’t happen because she’s smart enough to properly warm up and stretch. Those Canadians are smart cookies,
So I was ready to watch Dilana crash and burn on this one, and the ominous church music was sufficiently annoying, but I found myself unwillingly captivated by her higher register in the same way I’m strangely attracted to those female cats that Pepe Le Pew is always courting in those Loony Toon cartoons. I think she had the nicotine scraped from her larynx this week and it was rather refreshing.

Supersoul – Dilana was busier than a one-legged Indian in a butt-kicking contest on this one. I didn’t think the song was that bad, but I kept wishing I could hear someone else sing it. Like Beth Hart. That’s not a good sign. Like the time I asked a girl to dance and she asked, “With who?”

Brooke interrupted the showgram to break the news that the Suave Porn’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve show is sold out, so if you don’t have your ticket then you might as well just stay home with a box of pizza rolls and a puppy jigsaw puzzle, loser. However, there is a New Year’s Day show just added, and I’m sure the Suave Porn will be feeling really good for that performance. She also said something about the house band, but I was distracted by TLee’s ensemble of soccer mom capri pants, his Michael Jackson inspired military jacket and a t-shirt purchased with his Marlboro bucks.

Magni
Back in the USSR –So far so good. A whole week and he hasn’t been covered in his own or another contestant’s blood. However, I thought he looked a little bloated, like the week before his period. Maybe that’s how it works in Iceland. Vocally I thought he was great, but he looked more like he was at Banana Joe’s karaoke night than auditioning for Suave Porn.

When The Time Comes – Magni explained he had just finished translating the lyrics from Icelandic to English, which explains why nothing rhymed. His original reminded of the stuff I listened to in the very early 80’s – the totally forgettable period between the legendary arena rockers of the 70’s and the hair metal of the later 80’s. Stuff like, uh, hmmm, you know.

Storm
Suffragette City – OK, so I’ve already confessed that I so wish I were cool enough to hang out with Storm. But after watching her in her Inspector Gadget get-up and telling Dave to get his ass up on stage and then commandeering the house band, not only do I want to hang out with her but now I want to be one of her Balls.

Ladylike – Excuse my language, but fuck yeah! It’s about time. The restraint exhibited in this song left me aching for more. TLee restraining himself from running up there to hump Storm’s leg and Storm restraining herself from flipping a vocal bird to the CBS censors with the original lyrics. I was so ready for her to just Hulk Hogan that t-shirt right off. By the time she gave Brooke that little kiss at the end, Mrs. F’er pretty much hit me with a bucket of ice water and the evil eye.
Dave declared it the best original song in Rock Star history and Jason was about to record it in the official journal, but then discovered that Dave had forgotten about Deanna’s original My Truth.

Lukas
Livin’ On A Prayer – I just realized I don’t think I’ve ever know anyone that has gone to a Bon Jovi concert.. And that makes me feel pretty good about myself. I dated a girl once that had a Backstreet Boys ticket stub in one of her scrapbooks. Kind of had mixed feelings on that one. It was like, hey, she likes the Backstreet Boys and I still made the cut, but on the other hand, she likes the firggin’ Backstreet Boys. As the great philosopher Luksas Rossi once said, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” Or maybe it was Groucho Marx. I get them confused. But I hope that story successfully diverted your attention since I dozed off during this performance and have nothing to report.

Headspin - His whole set was like that part of every concert where you go take a leak, get another beer, and hit on the promotions interns at the local radio station booth. When it came time for TLee to evaluate Lukas, it was clear that he was still thinking about humping Storm and had to ask the audience what they thought. Gibly was inspired and immediately went out to start a paper route, while everyone had already forgotten that Jason was still in Suave Porn.

Toby
Mr. Brightside – Two words: Robot Toby. It was as if Storm had unscrewed the panel on Toby’s back, Magni inserted the Killers chip, Lukas had a beer, and Dilana pouted.

Throw It Away – I wasn’t as blown away by this song as it seems everyone else was, but I was fascinated by what the song inspired. TLee was inspired to tickle Toby’s ass as if it were a toddler’s tummy, and then Toby’s fellow rockers all felt inspired to deliver a spanking when he joined them in the rocker den. Even Brooke gave him a gentle butt rub while giving us the numbers to call to vote for him. Very strange, but EVS.

The early bottom three: Magni, Storm, Dilana

Sid’s bottom three rockers: Magni, Lukas, Dilana with Magni going home.

Sid’s bottom three pizza toppings: Pepperoni – a classic, but just seems to make everything a little too greasy. Green Olives – they only belong in martinis. Tomato – you already have tomato sauce, so it just seems redundant.