Many readers have asked how we know Marty. Well, long before the Lovehammers existed Moist and Sid had a little band called Leprosy. Leprosy needed a frontman and wanted Marty Casey, but Marty wasn’t old enough to buy us beer so we settled for his older brother StivOO (pronounced Stiv Balls). This was also before shows like Rock Star: INXS, so Leprosy toiled in relative obscurity until Sid sold his amp to cover his rent payment, Moist knocked up the band's only groupie, and StivOO went on to a successful career designing Kool-Aid factories.
Leper Pop had Marty Casey lined up for an interview, in fact he just about begged us to interview him. He even offered us publishing rights to Trees. Out of the goodness of our hearts, we were going to patronize the lad and toss him a few softball questions (favorite color, most embarrassing moment, pick a number from one to ten, who'd you get gonorrhea from - yeah, us too, basic interview stuff), just to satisfy his Leper Pop obsession so he can turn his attention back to his shaky music career. However, we noticed that the Internet is full of Marty Casey interviews, and they all pretty much reveal the same information: Marty wanted to win, but he's happy to be back with the Lovehammers, he'd be nothing without Leprosy and he owes his whole life to Sid and Moist, blah, blah, blah. We've heard it a hundred times.
So, we here at Leper Pop decided to dig a little deeper to provide our deserving readers with some real meat about Marty Casey. To do that, we drove down to the nearest Oriental massage parlor and waited for them to throw some deadbeat jerk out the back door. Who would have guessed it was StivOO Casey, Marty's youngest older brother. StivOO was elated to offer his insight into the life and times of Rock Star first runner up, Marty Casey. (He was more elated to accept the twenty bucks we gave him since that meant he didn't have to sell his blood this week.) Below is exlcusive Marty Casey information we guarantee you will not find anywhere on the whole entire Internet.
LP: If you weren't Marty's brother, who would he replace you with?
SC: Velvet Revolver
LP: What's the deal with the chick that bailed on him and went to NYC?
SC: That was a sad case of mistaken identity. It was actually Fred Willard in a lumberjack outfit. Try playing the song backwards, it will all be clear then.
LP: How have you and your band, Leprosy, influenced Marty?
SC: I can’t believe you would actually ask that question. It should be obvious. Next question.
LP: How do you feel about Marty being better than you?
SC: You know the old saying, “Every Marty has his day.” Besides, 2006 is the year of the StivOO in the Chinese calendar.
LP: How do you feel about Marty being able to score with an unimaginable amount of hot chicks while you're stuck with your wife for the rest of your life?
SC: You forget that I’ve already been there, done that as lead singer for Leprosy. Let me tell you, it gets old real fast. I’m perfectly happy to settle down with my beautiful wife and two kids.
LP: If Marty was a duck, what kind of animal do you think he'd be?
SC: Peking duck
LP: Have you been back to the Power House bar recently? Does it still smell like puke? How's our crack whore doing?
SC: This brings up a good point about smoking in public places, and Mike Ditka should sit up and take notice. If you recall, the Power House bar used to be a puke-crusted smoky crack whore open-butt smelling dive. Now, thanks to the California ban on smoking in all workplaces, including bars and restaurants, the Power House bar has blossomed into a puke-crusted crack whore open-butt smelling dive. If a smoking ban is good enough for Bhutan, it is good enough for the old US of A.
LP: What did Liz's appearance on the mansion show do for her career? What is her career?
SC: Liz is Chief Technical Officer of Casey MegaCorp, Inc. Her and Marty’s appearance on this show is just one small part of the Casey family plan to take over the world.
LP: Are you bitter that there aren't any TV shows about aspiring chemical engineers?
SC: When you think about it, Cooking with Julia Child, and all such shows that followed, are really just demonstrations of chemical engineering.
LP: Will you ever again give your hair a body wave?
SC: That ‘do was actually the consequence of early attempts at honing my performance art as lead man for Leprosy, by sticking my finger in a light socket. Marty clearly benefited from and was able to build upon those initial experiments.
LP: Have you ever seen Marty naked? Would you like to?
SC: Would you like to buy some pictures?
LP: What are you, some kind of perv?
SC: It’s up to you to figure out what kind. I’m not incriminating myself.
LP: Tell us some stories of Marty as a youngster. At what point in his youth did you figure out he was better than the rest of your family?
SC: I think it was down at U of I when he single-handedly defeated the Leper House team in a game of 16” softball.
LP: Compare and contrast your singing style with Marty's.
SC: Marty’s style lends itself to more of a deconstruction approach. Take “Trees,” for instance. While on the surface it may seem to be a light love serenade, it really is a dark song about how the mind will color the world to satisfy one’s true desires. Hence the seemingly incongruous line, “it’s a combination for disaster” manifests the reality that his subconscious mind is simply missing the forest for the trees, and that the girl is really Fred Willard.
My style, on the other hand, is more, “Wang, dang, sweet poon-tang.”
LP: Why couldn't you do for Leprosy what Marty has done with the Lovehammers?
SC: There you go, hitting my sore spot again. If we didn’t have Navin R. Johnson trying to hold down a beat, and SLAPPY the SLIDE WHISTLE SHOE-HORNING IN, AND… AAARG, We coulda been HUUUGE… No, no, no, it PISSES me OFF a little bit. I WORK, and I WORK, and I WORK, and the band sounds like SHIT, and what do they say? “Lets have a coupla more Old Style grenades, and try it again.” RIGHT. Nice work ethic. THAT’s it. I’m outta here.
(footsteps, door slams).
LP: I tried to pull up www.stevecasey.org, but it appears that your server is down. When do expect it to be back up?
SC: It’s not actually down. That cover page is just the firewall to the Casey MegaCorp portal. If you click on the right pixel, you’ll be able to enter the password and get in.
LP: At what age are Caseys taught the scary conductor?
SC: Once they make exempt status.
LP: Marty's never going to talk to us again, is he?
SC: Come on, like he ever did before.
LP: Can we be roadies?
SC: Ho hoo, no. I’ve seen Cap’n Break-It in action.
LP: Do you think Marty wants to title their next album "Leper Pop" with a picture of Sid and Moist on the cover?
LP: Why not?
SC: Because I said so. Don’t make me come back there.
LP: Did Marty nail Jordis or what? Are Caseys naturally attracted to Ungas in the wild?
SC: Wow, good question. The Caseys have been domesticated for generations now. I’ll have to check farther back in the family tree and get back to you.
LP: Did all the Caseys get those circle tats behind their ear?
SC: Personally, I had three of them in a row tattooed on the back of my head, but due to unfortunate positioning in relationship with my 111 birthmark, I am now no longer allowed to attend church.
LP: Marty wore boxer briefs on the show - what do you wear? What about Liz?
SC: The whole family wears complementary Incredibles undergarments.
LP: Are you creeped out answering questions about your sister's underwear?
SC: No, its common knowledge since the endorsement deal with Pixar.
LP: Can you ask Marty about the $20 he owes Moist Rub?
SC: He insists it was a grant, not a loan.
LP: I've seen you spit fire using a bottle of Everclear and a can of aerosol cheese as part of Leprosy's stage show, but does anyone in the family actually drink Kool-Aid?
SC: Yes, have some.
LP: Are you the brother Marty refers to when he talks about listening to his "brother's music" growing up? Or was it Chris, because Chris is everybody's favorite, and Marty hardly knew StivOO was even part of the family? Is that why you tried to buy his love by giving him your red Ibanez guitar?
SC: Well, I wasn’t actually adopted by the Caseys until SLH had already formed, so, yes, I would say is was Chris. And I didn’t so much GIVE Marty the guitar, rather he grabbed it from me, shoved me to the ground with a hand to the face and said, “thanks for the GIFT, punk.” Same goes for the blond neck-through-the-body Ibanez.
LP: You do realize that the opportunity to hang out with Sid and Moist is way cooler than having to hang out with Dave Navarro like Marty, right?
SC: Well, you both are taller than the Pocket Prince, but beyond that, it’s hard to say.
There you have it. Thanks for your time, StivOO, and good luck with those needles we found for you.