Thursday, October 06, 2005

On The Road With Sid

One of the reasons I went to college is so that I could get a job that didn’t require an updated tetanus vaccination. Not really. I went because my only work skills after high school consisted of cutting grass in the local parks to a safe level for children to play on. Sure, I was good at it, but minimum wage wasn’t going to impress Crystal Bernard. So I sucked it up and went off to higher educate myself. Unfortunately, I got the term “tuition & fees” confused with “cover charge” and missed out on most of the education piece. But I digress.

I really don’t need to get my tetanus vaccination updated since I had that done a few years ago when I crashed my bike and found a tree branch sticking out of my leg. I had it removed since my wife insists that I wear pants in public and I really didn’t want any birds nesting on me. Especially if I would have happened to attract something endangered. Then federal law would have required me to leave the branch until the Darwinian victims relocate on their own. Still digressing, here.

Anyway, the reason I bring up the whole tetanus thing is because it looks like I’ll be spending next week in New Orleans. I guess the recommended tetanus shot will help if I trip over a corpse and fall into a pile of spoiled meat. Just kidding – I’ve been assured they’ve taken care of that corpse issue. However, I was also assured that the water at the hotel would be suitable for bathing. Then I read a little EPA notice reminding hotels and restaurants to only get their water from reputable vendors, because “fuel trucks, chemical haulers, and other waste collection vehicles should never be used to transport potable water.” Well, now I feel better.

I wonder if they’re trying to tell me something at work. They also like sending me to Oklahoma during tornado season. Last time I was there, the seasonal pastime appeared to be sitting at the local Chili’s and watching tornado warnings on the bar TV.

You might remember I was also in Jacksonville while Hurricane Ophelia sat off the coast, taunting the city before turning north.

Last spring I had to go to Columbia, SC during the Masters. Pretty cool if you’re a golf fan since Augusta is right down the road, but I’d rather watch Marty and Jordis play dominoes than watch a round of golf. In fact, I’d rather watch a staring contest between Dick Cheney and Al Gore than watch a round of golf. Not only that, but the golf junkies took up all the available accommodations so I was forced to stay at the Bait n’ Switch Motel and rent a ’74 Ford Pinto.

But it’s all good. I make twice the minimum wage now and Crystal will start returning my calls any day now.


Village Idiot said...

Sid, from what I saw during the last golf shindig they had at the Olympic Club, it's not necessary to pay any attention to what the golfers are doing.

The spectators, they practically tore a hole in the chain link fence to get out, to pee and puke alongside our tennis courts. Mostly the guys.

Guys pee anywhere. The NBC camera crew peed off their platform high above the green. The platform assembly crew drank a 12-pack while putting together the platform, because I made them pick up all their beer cans where *I* had a flower garden.

We now have another golf shindig, this time on the other side of the lake. All sorts of pointy tents and lights. Looks like a circus from this side.

I'm sure we'll enjoy the sweet smell of urine and partially digested nachos for weeks to come after this one is over.

I keep hoping they'll combine the several sports available in the area. Golfers must tee off from a boat, those long skinny boats that are for competitive rowing that have 8 people and some dwarf who gets to ride in the back.

The gun club then comes into play, by trying to shoot the golf balls out of the sky before they hit ground.

I think it's an exciting new sport idea, and I'm going to propose it to Nike.


Leper Hopeful said...

Sid, your story about the tree branch sticking out of your leg reminded me of this joke I got in my email recently...

A woman, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl which proceeded to attack her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The woman demanded angrily, "What took you so long?" He told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Maybe Marty is lucky that girl didn't want to hang out up in the trees with him - or maybe the forest's answer (a crotchful of splinters) would have ended their treetop romance anyway. While I'm sure Stiv00's reasoning behind the line "combination for disaster" is sound, this could be another explanation for the line - Marty heard this joke (or the girl in question was the girl in the joke) and realized that they might want to avert disaster by avoiding hanging out in trees.

dalebud said...

Sid, you forgot to mention your high-paying summer job tarring roofs. Crystal would have loved the ever-present sweet smell of petroleum products.

213 said...

Speaking of petroleum products, be careful in the Big Easy:

Water and Sediment Sampling Results Released - Sediment Data 9/30/05
Contact: Eryn Witcher, 202-564-4355 /

(Washington, D.C.-October 6, 2005) EPA, in coordination with Louisiana Department of Environmental Quality, collected water and sediment samples from multiple locations across the New Orleans metropolitan area between September 26-30, 2005.

Sediment samples for September 30, 2005 indicate the continued presence of petroleum products. Arsenic and lead were detected at levels exceeding ATSDR/CDC health guidance values based on ingestion. EPA and ATSDR/CDC conclude that exposures at these levels to emergency responders are not expected to cause adverse health effects as long as the proper protective equipment is worn such as gloves and safety glasses. Volatile, and semivolatile organic compounds, including polycylic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), as well as pesticides and heavy metals including aluminum, were found, but at levels below what ATSDR/CDC considers to be immediately hazardous to human health. Bacterial contamination consistent with the presence of sewage was also detected. EPA and ATSDR/CDC recommend avoiding all contact with sediment deposited by the flood water, where possible, due to potential concerns associated with long-term skin contact. See: for advice for workers and returning residents.

Release date:10/06/2005

Receive our News Releases Automatically by Email

keysunset said...

Take good care of yourself, Sid, in New Orleans. We'll be here when you get back, I promise.

BTW, you might want to skip eating the shellfish this trip ...

Sid F'er said...

The oysters go down even more smoothly with a light coating of petroleum.

It's the polycylic aromatic hydrocarbons that worry me. Right, 213?

Moist Rub said...

If Crystal Bernard can't be impressed with you at minimum wage, then she ain't worth impressing.

L A Ray said...

Well Willie enjoy your time on the road, again.

Anonymous said...

Bush on a mission from God? Is he the latest Blues Brother?

The White House has denied that US President George W. Bush said God told him to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, as a new BBC documentary is expected to reveal.

"That's absurd. He's never made such comments," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Thursday.

The documentary series set to be broadcast later this month in Britain claims Bush made the claim when he met Palestinian leader Mahmud Abbas and then-foreign minister Nabil Shaath in June 2003.

He also told them he had been ordered by God to create a Palestinian state, the ministers said.

Shaath, now the Palestinian information minister, said: "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God'".

"'God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan'.

"'And I did. And then God would tell me, 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq... ' And I did.

"'And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, 'Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East'. And by God I'm gonna do it'," said Shaath.

Abbas, who was also at the meeting in the Egyptian resort of Sharm al-Sheikh, recalled how the president told him: "'I have a moral and religious obligation'".

"'So I will get you a Palestinian state.'"

The three-part series, "Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs", charts the attempts to bring peace to the Middle East, from former US president Bill Clinton's talks in 1999-2000 to Israel's withdrawal from the Gaza strip.

The series is due to begin airing Monday.

Mack the Fork said...


I was in St Augustine for Ophelia. Too bad, I should have recognized the long, chin-shaped shadow coming from the north. We could have hooked up.

Village Idiot said...

I swear, we need sports captions sections. Where WE provide the captions and the links to the pictures.

I viewed some golf pictures. They're begging for the Sid and Moist treatment. But I'll do my best.

Michelle Wie:

"I'm 15, I'm beautiful, I'm a millionaire, and I'm soooo good I've decided to use one arm and hop on one leg for the whole tournament."

The Majorette portion of golf.


"Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, WOOOO"

Tiger Woods:

Accidentally wanders into grazing field and must hit ball from cow patty.

David Toms:

"Oh my God, what is he wearing?"

Jeong Jang:

Come on, you write the caption.

Karine Icher:

"I shall rub your head for luck"

Lastly, the Easter Egg hunt portion of golf:


I think golf needs Sid and Moist.


Village Idiot said...

Oops, just one more. Who knew golf was full of hooligans?

Aren't you all sorry you don't follow golf? I'm sorry I'm Scottish.


AMAI said...

Sid - I'm with you on the golf. I'd rather have insomnia than use it to put me to sleep.

Golf, sediments and urine-soaked platforms. This, my friends, is not conducive to good sex fantasy.

I'm hard at work on my latest porn oevre about Marty and 2 hot chicks.

I don't want to hear about "bush" unless it's in that context.

Thanks, in advance.

Andree - about the being Scottish. Didn't they teach at Scot School never to apologize for being Scottish? You get one demerit girl, and a light spanking.

L A Ray said...

When I lived in the midwest, I use to watch golf while reading the paper just to see good weather, but now I live in sunny SoCal. So I no longer need to watch golf.

Sid F'er said...

When I got back from visiting LA Ray, I had to occasionally shake my house violently and set fires in my backyard so that I wouldn't miss sunny SoCal so much.

Jules said...

I second Amai. How dare you apologize for being Scottish?!? Walk proud, lass, walk proud.

Sid - I'll have to use your shaking-the-house idea for when I'm homesick, but I'm from NorCal, so instead of setting fires I'll have to knock out some power lines and stand in the shower in my Mountain Hardware gear.

L A Ray said...

Sid I know what you mean. Sometimes when I miss Texas, I'll pull out a couple of front teeth , throw on some overalls, and a put golf ball size dents in the hood of my car. Wait, I never do that, guess I don't miss it much afterall. I do miss you and the wife though. Tear in my beer!

213 said...

I guess I have to weigh in as being Scottish (at least in name and fiscal matters) and proud of it.

Sid, the PAHs are not considered immediately hazardous to human health. But arsenic is rat poison and lead is what made the Mad Hatter mad and those are above the health guidance values for ingestion.

So, if you're a rat or you don't want to be mad as a hatter, try to avoid ingesting the sediment.

213 said...

Oh, but feel free to eat the worm.

Village Idiot said...

AMAI, I didn't attend the legendary Scottish School. Or the Scottish School of Beauty. But I'm still qualified to be vaguely embarrassed by both the poor wig quality and that those lads could very well be somehow related to me, even if we have to go back to Darwinian origins.

If we have to go back that far, though, we're all related. Can I "borrow" some money? Anyone?

The light spanking is perfectly acceptable providing we have a safe word and you wear leather. Or there's leather somewhere. It should smell like leather. I guess a leather ottoman in the room would work.

Jules, the last few days, I can barely walk with the pain...but I try to hobble hunched over with pride.

I'm also Polish and Swedish, born in Canada, living in the U.S. There are far too many rich histories to choose from for cool traditions and nifty costumes (okay, I haven't looked them up, too much work).

Wait, I did look up one thing. It's some Swedish thing where at the holidays, girls? women? walk around with a wreath that has lit candles in it on their head.

You ever read the hairspray bottle? Says "Keep away from heat and flame" which is pretty much a no-brainer. I've never had the urge to stick my head in the fireplace.

But now, the Swedish tradition says wreathes and candles. Yeah, that's some festival of lights when my HEAD IS ON FIRE.

Flaming female heads all over Sweden, racing outside to stick their heads in the snow.

The things we go through. Let's start the flaming crotch tradition for guys.


village idiot said...

213, you never DID answer my questions about your art. Or maybe I forgot where I posted it, you did, and I don't know where to read it.


Ruby Slippers said...

Sid+Crystal=cohesive whole

Village Idiot said...

I don't even know who Crystal Bernard IS.

AMAI said...

Scot School takes places. It's where you are when you understand that the Scots were the original Americans. People who value freedom.

Watch Braveheart.

Jules said...


Sid F'er said...

I love George Michael.

BD Wong said...

Who doesn't?

Village Idiot said...

Braveheart? Wasn't that the one with men in kilts and Mel Brooks got disemboweled at the end?

Uh...make that Mel Gibson. Would have been a completely different movie with Mel Brooks in the lead.

And, Sid, I looked up Crystal Bernard. "Slumber Party Massacre?" Oh, puh-leeze.

Not to mention the several "adult" things that showed up. Most of those links didn't work either.


P.S. Ever wonder who all the people are that come to the site? Ever wonder if we'll be seeing this material on a TV show? Ever wonder if you can sue those people that come to this site that swipe the material for their TV show?

Colon O'scopy said...

PS: No, No, No

Crystal Bernard dolling-up in George Michael's sweater - this is when I feel freed.

Jules said...

Oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease Sid and Moist, PLEASE do a condensed version of Mel Brooks' Braveheart! I'm having uncontrollable giggles at the very THOUGHT of it.

AMAI said...

Not to mention the several "adult" things that showed up. Most of those links didn't work either.
Google is your friend, Andree. I happened upon a site called CreamPie today. Uberhot, but I'm too Scottish to pay to join. Those same photos get kind of repetitive.

Village Idiot said...

Jules, I'm an idea person. I'm feeding these guys, Sid and Moist, ideas every day. If the idea catches their fancy, they might use it sometime.

It's the same way I help on the Decorating boards. I have a gazillion ideas. But I couldn't just walk into a room and completely redo it. Anymore than I could completely do a whole thing on any of the ideas, like Mel Brooks' Braveheart.

Although I did have a vision of a kilt-wearing guy standing over a geothermal vent, with his kilt blowing up ala Marilyn Monroe, showing his Joe Boxer boxers in yellow with a black smiley face.

Yes, the smiley face has a tongue. And the smiley face has a name. "Mr. Licky"

Later on, there would have to be a comment about the boxers growing a Pinnochio nose.


devious d said...

Alert: Crystal Bernard spotting on some Lifetime movie last night (her hair had gone a little brunette but...) To each his own...

LOL--How about Mel Brook's Bravefart? Sure to be a classic.

213, loved that "Not immediately dangerous"...sorta like asbestos, eh?

Nice messin' with Texas, LA Lyle.

And speaking of asbestos (earlier), anyone catch the Adam Carolla Project?

And personally, I'm digging Ballroom Bootcamp.

Drifting off to left field,
Devious D

Village Idiot said...

Devious D, how about "Brainfart"? The only trouble I see primarily with that title, is that should it become a classic, ala Rocky Horror Picture Show (did I get the title right?) is that people will not only be dressing up in kilts (good for the Scottish kilt makers) but may also feel it necessary to participate in a olfactory way.

Early day Taco Bell binges. Massive dried fruit sales. Leaving the theater full of a toxic cloud of murky green, quite possible bordering on radioactive substances.

Which then requires several 55-gallon-drums of Febreeze to return the theater to habitable space.


P.S. Is that the REAL BD Wong?