Sunday, October 02, 2005

Hockey Night with Sid

When I was a single, successful guy back in Chi-town I had season tickets to the Chicago Blackhawks. Not quite that successful, so I had to split them with 3 other guys so that I could still afford the beer payments. Second balcony, in the corner of the old Chicago Stadium and worth every penny. I knew the shortcuts around Chicago’s west side and which ones would get me there on time without risking my life or a carjacking. It’s hard to fully enjoy the game if you feel a twinge of guilt over having to sacrifice your date to street thugs to be there on-time for the national anthem. I don’t know much about Canada, but I do know that they kick our ass in beer, hockey, anthems and replacement singers for INXS. I secretly looked forward to games against our neighbors to the north just so I could hear O’ Canada. They should have put that on the songboard during Rock Star. But I digress. I got to see the Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup on that ice back in 1992 with LA Ray, then shook his hand and moved to Dallas the next day. A town without hockey. I take losses very hard.

Upon my arrival, Dallas threw together a minor league hockey team called the Freeze. Minor league hockey is like going from Michael Hutchence to JD Fortune. Not even friggin’ close, but it will do in a pinch and it’s easier to get a ticket. I highly recommend the movie Slapshot if you haven’t already seen it. You can feel good about yourself since you make more money than the players and don’t have to ride a bus home. However, the future didn’t look bright when I saw the zamboni up on blocks in front of the arena. Luckily, the Minnesota North Stars left the land of 10,000 lakes and moved down to Dallas for the waters. They were misinformed. They dropped the “North” from their name, although I would have left it for comic effect. Hell, they should have just kept Minnesota in the name, too, if not just to taunt their ex. Regardless, I ponied up for some season tix. It’s a well-known fact that hot girls like hockey and tickets increased my chance of contending for the scoring title that year. Unfortunately, about this time hockey players thought that they were worthy of NBA type money and ticket prices went up faster than a barrel of oil. I eventually gave up my season tix and found less expensive pastimes like petty larceny.

I still love the game, but tickets haven’t been in the F’er budget so I was pretty excited when Mrs. F’er called, told me her manager offered her a couple free tickets to the Stars game Saturday night, and asked if I wanted to go. I asked her if the Pope was Polish, having forgotten about the new guy from Germany, but she knew my answer was yes. Then I asked her who I should take. That wasn’t a good question and I was advised that if I wanted to take my girlfriend I would have to find my own tickets. So I waited for Mrs. F’er to get off work and we ended up leaving a little later than I had hoped.

Mrs. F’er (on the way to the game): “If we were on The Amazing Race I would let you drive, but I would be scared the whole time.”

We didn’t crash and only missed the first 30 seconds of the game. You can read a recap of the game in the newspaper, so I’ll discuss the peripheral activites.

Our seats were two rows off the ice (face value $110). People sitting down here have little interest in hockey and should feel great shame. I find that the real fans in any arena are usually in the cheap seats. I’ve left games at the Chicago Stadium with a broken hand after Chicago streets and sanitation workers high fived me a little too enthusiastically in the second balcony. Down on the glass people seem most concerned with making sure their children don’t spill their nacho cheese sauce. Note to the 17 year old white suburban boy sitting next to me: You’re a dork – lose the giant diamond earring, homeboy.

The Stars have added the Dallas Stars Ice Girls to “assist the club’s game operations staff with ice maintenance during television timeouts.” Whatever. Scraping up ice shavings is as necessary as shaving Jon Farriss’ ass during an INXS concert. The Ice Girls are there for the enjoyment of the predominantly male, horndog crowd. I told Mrs. F’er my plans to freeze the kitchen floor so that I could take an Ice Girl home with us (in particular the tall brunette in the center of the back row, who looks much better in person), but I guess she doesn’t like ice skating as much as I do.

The Dallas Stars Jukebox – At intermission, the PA announcer plays three song clips and the crowd votes for their favorite by clapping, cheering, or giving their neighbor a noogie. The winning song gets played in full.
Bon Jovi – Have A Nice Day: No cheers and lots of booing. It appears that your typical hockey fan is smarter than mainstream America. A scary thought.
Green Day – Wake Me Up When September Ends: Mixed bag, but support from what sounds like the high schoolers in the crowd.
AC/DC – You Shook Me All Night Long: Massive cheers, no contest. My faith in humankind and Australian rock bands is restored. It would have been more amusing if they chose Big Balls, but I guess that’s why I’m not in the promotions department.

Speaking of music, I’ve noticed that at major sporting events they feel the need to fill up every second that the clock isn’t running with music. It ends up sounding like you’re listening to a broken IPod that can only play the first 10 seconds of each song and pretty soon you just want to shove that broken IPod up the arse of whoever is responsible. If your attention span is that short, just stay home and watch MTV and leave my wide world of sports alone before I have to give you a lesson about the agony of defeat.

For as long as I can remember, the zamboni has not changed a bit. In fact, it doesn’t look like it’s changed much since being invented by Catholic priest Giuseppe Zamboni. Or maybe it was Frank Zamboni back in the early 40’s. Is it really necessary to have something that big and slow to accomplish the resurfacing? You would think they might have developed something more efficient over the years. I’ll get the Ice Girls on that project.

During the second intermission, Mrs. F’er was kind enough to issue a fake boob alert to me. However, she also issued a slap upside my head when I looked a bit too long. I need to find out exactly where that line is so I can avoid the headslap without shortchanging my visceral pleasures.

We stayed until the bitter end, including the exhibition shoot-out, since you never leave a hockey game early. In fact, I pretty sure that’s a felony in Canada. And you never know when a Mountie might be lurking around the corner.


Aunt Nina said...

The song Big Balls would be kinda inappropriate for a sport which uses a puck, don't you think? Unless, of course, you were going for the irony... ah, ingenious. Nice story, Sid.

L A Ray said...

ah yes the 92' Stanley Cup....good times. I remember you driving me to pick up my car after the game, and the good bye hand shake, which is amazing since I was probably drunk, but only to numb the pain in my broke "high five" hand. Then you drove off into the Chicago night never to be seen again.

paris says "hockey that's hot!"

I hear that the SoCal girls, and Texas girls will have a skate off for the title of best of the best ice girls.

Go Hawks, and of course, Go Ducks.

David said...

Big Balls WOULD have been more amusing, even though I certainly wasn't there. Thinking of that brings half of a laugh.

As for homeboy, was he really that annoying? ;-) lol

Leper Hopeful said...

Well that's it, I know I said I wasn't going to propose marriage (especially to a guy who is already married) but now I find out Sid is a hockey restraint has almost completely fallen away.
However I'm also thinking proposing to Mrs. F'er might be an ever better idea seeing as she was the one who got the tickets (it would be legal for us to marry in some states I think and up here in Canada - I mean assuming she wasn't with Sid anymore, I don't think the 3 way marriage is legal in any states or provinces or territories in North America).

devious d said...

Thanks for Hockey Night, eh.

Lest you forget, Ms. Sid is a hot hockey babe (but only if she wants to be called that).

Thanks for the Stadium memories too. I don't remember you having any dates there except LA Ray (maybe I shouldn't point that out).

I do remember Ru prying mementos (aka number plates) off seat backs with my trusty Swiss Army scissors at the last regular season game in the Stadium...or was it us prying Ru from one of the seats?

And just thinking about Wayne Messmer's voice, the loud roar at the end of the anthem (O Canada, of course), gives me goosebumps and brings tears to the eye.

The best hockey fun since was a Vegas farm team's game in LV, with the Brits along for good luck, and LA Ray--without a voice! Too funny. Hmmm, LA Ray was there too. Perhaps that's the common denominator of fun...

dalebud said...

Sid - brings back fond memories of your hosting of the Leper reunion, including a Hawks/Stars game. Still have the videotape of that game with all those jags in Hawks jerseys (us!) around here somewhere. 3 Hawk goals in the third for a tie - you'd think they won the Cup!

Village Idiot said...

Aunt Nina? You are Moist's sister? And you both get along enough that he doesn't come after you with a machete for coming to the blog? Wow.

Are you folks one of those "normal" families I've heard about? Where people are supportive of each other? I always wanted one of those!

Does humour run in the family? Like is it totally hilarious at the holidays?


Sid F'er said...

Devious - I believe KelliKelliKelli was able to scam most of my regular season tickets that season. However, it's bad etiquette to leave a brother in the cold come playoff time.

Dalebud - I still haven't fixed the laundry room doors or replaced the carpet from that visit.

Anonymous Hawks Fan said...

Andy, Andy, Andy.......

Jules said...

This is why I've never proposed marriage to Sid. Mrs. F'er is just too f'ing awesome. Rock on, Mrs. F'er, rock on.

And Sid, I think you know you've crossed the line when your jaw hits your chest.

keysunset said...

I'm not an avid hockey fan. This became especially obvious to me a few years ago when I asked my husband during the sports segment of our local news why all those people at the hockey game had hurricane warning flags.

It also made me wonder why the hockey team a little south of us calls themselves the "fire ants."

Why hurricanes and fire ants in connection with hockey?

Maybe Minnesota should have left "North" in their name. It seems quirky hockey names have some appeal.

I do enjoy going to sports events with people who are into the sport but like to joke and make comments.

The most fun this year for me was at a Durham Bulls game. The guys behind me were absolutely hilarious, and even though the Bulls lost, I had a blast! And no, I wasn't hoping the other team would win, either.

I took Sid's advice this weekend and and ran the station wagon over a couple of bicycles on the way to take my five year old to tap class. Oh wait, maybe that wasn't what he meant about getting on a bicycle.

No Marty/Lovehammers CD in my house yet. Bummer, but I'm playing jennyanykind, Tommy Edwards & the Bluegrass Experience, and Jamiroquai in my 3-CD player.

What are some of you listening to?

Oh, and thanks, Sid, for being here when I got back. :-D

L A Ray said...

Hey Sid - Remember when we would sit in the balcony and do our Bob & Doug act until the people around us couldn't take it anymore. Beauty eh?

Friday karaoke wasn't the same without Mike. No one to sing Big Balls.

People don't listen to enough Neil Sedaka. Put it on your play lists.

Sid F'er said...

The only thing bad blood do is mess up a good man's mind.

213 said...


You just don't appreciate how little movement it takes for Sid's jaw to hit his chest!

Jules said...


You just don't appreciate how little movement it takes for Sid's jaw to hit his chest!*

Hmmmm.... back to the drawing board.

Keysunset - I'm still waiting for my Lovehammers CD, too. Sigh. I downloaded all of my favorites from RS:INXS, though, and I've been listening to a CD of that when I'm not crazy-busy with school. Incidentally, I now know how MiG felt when trying to out-Bohemian Rhapsody Suzie. Of course, I was on an excercise bike at the time. What's his excuse?

This doesn't count as a playlist or a CD, but I went to a Celtic music festival this weekend and it was AWEsome. I've decided that every rock band should have a bagpiper. Whaddya say, Lovehammers? No? Hey, where'd everybody go?

Clay said...

Jules-"I've decided that every rock band should have a bagpiper. Whaddya say, Lovehammers?"

Good idea, but what Hammer has enough life experience to squeeze the bag while blowing the pipe?hmm...

keysunset said...

L A Ray said...
"Hey Sid - Remember when we would sit in the balcony and do our Bob & Doug act until the people around us couldn't take it anymore. Beauty eh?"

Wish I had you guys around, I might get to LOVE hockey ...

Aunt Nina said...

Yes, I am a sister of MR. I admit that referring to one of my siblings as "moist" is still, at best, highly disturbing, but for whatever reason that's what my parents named him. I wouldn't know whether my presence here angers or delights MR. I don't talk with him that much.

I wouldn't say our family is "normal" exactly. Holidays are a hilarious time for us, but that's mainly due to our one brother-in-law. He's very entertaining.

Nina The Aunt

Village Idiot said...

Nina, is Sid your brother in law? Sid is entertaining. Is everyone here related? Or mostly knows each other from the physical world?

I always liked that name. Nina. Wasn't Courtland's daughter named Nina on...uh...the soap opera that has Erica. And had Tad and...uh...Jenny?

Plus you get to "find your name" in Al Hirschfield's stuff. Those who aren't familiar, check here:

It's such a lovely name.

Sorry, guys, I'm not a hockey fan. Broken, spit, or swallowed teeth is for the dentist's office.

I suppose if I was going to take up an ice sport, it would be curling. If I could lift the stone. Can't drooling be a sport?


L A Ray said...

Let me make this perfectly clear, I'm not related to anyone on this board. (As far as I know) Oh yeah, and I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky. Oh and read my lips, no new taxes.

Sid F'er said...

I'm not part of the Rub family, either, have not had sex with any women on this board, but I do live in Dallas, Taxes.

Jules said...

Ditto. Except for the Texas part. I've had stopovers in Dallas, Texas, but I do not live there. (Nor have I paid Dallas Taxes. ;-D)

Village Idiot said...

Ray, so you ARE related to someone or everyone? When you follow a statement with two other things that are considered lies, that makes the first one sound questionable. Actually, the second two things weren't lies in context originally. Sex can be defined as only intercourse, meaning Clinton didn't lie. And promises made during elections can be meant well, but be wholly undeliverable in office after your crack-pot team of appointed officials culled from the beer-drinking-buddy group realizes you can't do anything you said.

Note that the FBI wiretapped the wrong phones. I'm sure they're still trying to figure out the code from my phone conversations, where Medi-Cal means terrorist group and "mom" is a code-name for the ringleader.

Now junior Bush picks a non-judge for the Supreme Court, saying that was the best person he could find. Yeah, your own lawyer? Why not just PICK your mom? I mean, is that a slap in the face to every judge across the nation? Either he's lying about that being the best person he could find, or he's a moron. Maybe it's that "it's the best person I could find that I would be able to manipulate for eternity"?

Sid, Ms. F'er posted on this comment area, does that "no sex" thing count with her?

Jules, we can all almost be related, by forming our own Leperettes group along side the Rub and F'er families.

We can use ice shavings as the start of a delicious chilled beverage. Don't use the blood-covered shavings though. Or the ones next to a face print in the rink.

Oh, Sid, you're allowed a cursory glance at fake boobies. You may be able to extend the look only if you mock the fake boobies. Such as "Hah, imagine her in 50 years, everything else has gone south and she has the boobies of a twenty-year-old, making her every grandchild boy's fav grandma to hug..." and the comments from the grandchild "Hey, grandma, great hooters!" Or comment how they will form a triangle when seen from the side with the dowager's hump.

If you're totally fascinated with boobies, you can probably stare all day at extremely obese men and their man-boobies. Or pregnant women. You can say she just glows while drooling.

You could also study plastic surgery. Then you can freely comment and stare at bad boob jobs, brazilian butt-lifts, and the "ripple effect" from poorly done lipo.


L A Ray said...

I stand by my statements.

Moist Rub said...

I stand by the keg.

Sid F'er said...

I stand by my man.

Adam Ant said...

I stand and deliver.

AMAI said...

I can't stand the rain, on my window ...

Jules said...

You're all making me tired. I'm sitting down.

Aunt Nina said...

Sid and I are of no relation.

Nina is not my given name. When one of my nephews was just a little guy he would only call me 'Mom.' I would ask him, "Is that my name?" He would respond, "No." Then, after waiting a couple of seconds, he would look up at me and call me Mom. Suddenly one day, he started calling me Nina. I have no clue as to why. I'm not even sure if he knew it was a proper name or if it was a nonsense word that he made up without knowledge that it was also a female name. Thankfully for me, it was and I was spared the embarrassment of a silly moniker. Eventually, he added the 'Aunt' and I became "Aunt Nina." Best day of my life.

The Constitution does not explicitly establish any qualifications for Justices of the Supreme Court. However, Presidents normally nominate individuals who have prior legal experience. Many Justices were not judges prior to their Supreme Court confirmation - most recently : the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

Village Idiot said...

I stand in the place that I am (now face west)

Aunt Nina, that's a great story about how you got your name.

And, WOO HOO! A job where I could sit in my robe all day. The Supreme Court thing is just the gig for me. Should I start practicing my backup singing to "Baby Love" now?

Hey, there's the new show!!!

Judge: Supreme Court

We'll have all sorts of contestants. The rest of the Judge group will lounge around just like INXS did. Most will wear sunglasses too.

But I'm a little worried about low-riders on the nominee.


Village Idiot said...

Make those "judges" into "justices". I don't know what they're called. One of these days I'll read the Constitution.

Personally, I'd like to nominate Judge Judy. She'd kick butt. We'd all tune in to watch Supreme Court with Judge Judy.

Well, it would beat a whole bunch of the new prime time shows I've seen this autumn.


devious d said...

***Hey, there's the new show!!!

Judge: Supreme Court

We'll have all sorts of contestants. The rest of the Judge group will lounge around just like INXS did. Most will wear sunglasses too.

But I'm a little worried about low-riders on the nominee.***

This had me laughing, until I realized you might well be taken up on this idea.

AMAI said...

I love the "Judge: Supreme Court" tv show idea. Each contestant delivers short oral reasons on Roe v Wade: The Appeal.

Let us pause while Sid & Moist to prepare themselves to deliver their versions.

Jules said...

*Let us pause while Sid & Moist to prepare themselves to deliver their versions.*

Oh, yes PLEASE!

Village Idiot said...

"Why I'd be a good Supreme Court Justice" by J.D.TortureTune.

"While you all are learning the laws, I KNOW the laws. I know ALL the laws. I've been following these guys for years!"


Marty Caselaw expounds on his environmentalist perspective in a catchy ditty "Trees"

(camera pans to the sitting Sitting Justices all doing the finger-bop-dance)


Our hostess "Sandra Dee O'Conner" models 60's bikini's and a fab flip hairdoozy.

(leave her alone, she struck her head on the kitchen cabinet after a slip and fall in the home, and now continually asks "Where's Moondoggie?")


Caption under picture from main Leper Pop page:

"Rafael looks a bit concerned wondering what MiG is planning to do with that gavel"


Sid, Moist, feel free to use the above and assemble into one of your famously amusing blogs. I think we could have a lot of fun with Justice: Supreme Court. We could all pitch in our ideas.

Oh, and the photo chopping we could do with these ideas.


Jules said...

* "Why I'd be a good Supreme Court Justice" by J.D.TortureTune.

"While you all are learning the laws, I KNOW the laws. I know ALL the laws. I've been following these guys for years!"*

Yay! I love it!

AMAI said...

The Ty Candidate's speech, "It hurts me a little that as a people that I belong to, that we’re not appreciated enough in the judiciary that I could write the reasons that I did, and wind up getting turned over on appeal this many timess and that’s what hurts me."

Village Idiot said...

Will Brandon ever get out of the brown suede fringed robe?

Will Suzie "Misdemeanor" McNeil stop sobbing?

Does Wil understand that "bench" has nothing to do with weights?

Will the old guy in the audience wearing a Docker's shirt surprise us all?

These questions and so many more will be answered, if Moist and Sid feel like it.

Um, by the way, what does "Moist Rub" actually mean?


AMAI said...

Um, by the way, what does "Moist Rub" actually mean?

Once again, the "Cream Pie" website may be of assistance here.

keysunset said...

Goodness, and here I was thinking "Moist Rub" was the alternative to dry rub on pork ribs!

BTW, I much prefer moist rub to dry rub ...

village idiot said...

Okay, I still don't get it. I went there, AMAI, and that wasn't on the definitions list. I did find lots of recipes for beef, pork, and poultry rubs. I hope it's barbeque related. I like barbeque.

And I do like cream pie, banana cream pie, and coconut cream pie, like from the grocery store in the bakery section. I'll pass on the snapshots on the other site. It ruins the term cream pie for me. Nothing should interfere with coconut cream pie. Ever.


keysunset said...

Alright Andree! You, I and Jules can BBQ ribs in the parking lot with coconut cream pie for dessert.

We'll need a keg I think, but fix me up with some sweet tea and we're good to go! All y'all come now!

AMAI said...

Sorry 'bout that, girls. I've been exploring my inner sexpot in recent weeks, thanks to Marty Casey lighting a fire in my loins.

Sigh. I haven't got tickets for either of the Toronto gigs, as yet and am totally unhappy. I will not give up - I will find a way!!!

keysunset said...

Sorry 'bout that, girls. I've been exploring my inner sexpot in recent weeks, thanks to Marty Casey lighting a fire in my loins.

No problem. I can understand. Hubby is totally benefiting from my current obsessions with mmmmmMarty and Alan Rickman. With a little Orlando Bloom thrown in too. hot cha! In fact, hubby now tells ME "not EVERY night!"

Whew! I'd better go do something mundane.

keysunset said...

I almost bought a Bob and Doug cd at the used bookstore just because I thought it would remind me of Sid and all ...

Luckily common sense and no cents prevented this fatal tragedy. (I think part of this type of comedy's appeal is the visual aspect.)