Saturday, October 08, 2005

Tell Tale Dad

I intended to watch this season’s inaugural episode of The Apprentice so as to begin a string of season long reviews of the show. However, my objective was interrupted by a rapping at my chamber door. It was my son standing with the decomposed remains of Edgar
Allan Poe interrogating it for clues as to what the hell The Tell Tale Heart was all about.


Son, I asked (he was named after blues legend, Son House), are you reading The Tell Tale Heart in school? Yes, they had read it together in class that day. Being the über-dad that I am, I feigned interest in his schooling and asked him what he thought of the story. After about fifteen minutes of word fragments, you-know’s and um’s, I figured he didn’t comprehend much of the plot. I asked him if he was actually in the classroom when they read the story. He was there physically, but I’m guessing, mentally, he was wandering around the girls’ locker room handing out towels. Luckily, I was wearing my über-dad utility belt, which contained duct tape, a butter knife, two cans of beer, one paper towel, a golf score card, a roll of Lifesavers and the Unabridged Edgar Allan Poe. I suggested we read the story together, thinking it would be easier than me explaining the it to him, seeing that all I could remember about it were the car chases and the nude scenes.

We took turns reading paragraphs, crossing out the words neither of us knew, with me providing explanatory commentary along the way. As we delved, he became more and more stoic as I immersed myself in the story, enthralled by Poe’s dazzling imagery and effortless flow. Before long, I had a set built out of the couch and entertainment center, and I was acting out the story using the dog as the old man with the "evil eye". I may have been a little over enthusiastic with my portrayal, as the dog is now dismembered and buried underneath the house. Not to worry, we have another dog, who is more of a writer than an actor. So, she’s safe.

After my Tony Award winning performance, Son continued to wallow in Poe bewilderment. He still didn’t comprehend the gist of the story. Again, I tried to explain and retell the story to him in words he could understand. I even offered to kill the other dog. Eventually, I gave up. I don’t know, Son, let’s ask the rotted corpse of Edgar Allan Poe. It was lying on the floor next to a stuffed Sponge Bob doll. "‘Gar", I asked, "can you please explain to the boy what The Tell Tale Heart is all about?" To which he replied, "I’m not sure, I was drunk when I wrote it. In fact, I don’t even remember writing it. Do you have any cheese?"

Son and I looked at each other for a moment. Then, simultaneously, we both bust out laughing, holding each other’s spleens. "Dad," he said, wiping a jovial tear from his eye, "I guess drunk people just write weird stuff sometimes." That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the past two hours! The important thing is that he finally got it, and he is now a big fan of Poe. It was one of the most satisfying moments of my dadhood. A feat right up there with the time ex-Mrs. Rub left me alone with the kids for the first time and neither of them died. To celebrate, I unhooked the two cans of beer from my über-dad utility belt and let my son watch me drink them. We hung Poe on a hanger and put him in the closet, in case either of us is ever required to read The Murders in the Rue Morgue or listen to the Iron Maiden song of the same name.

86 comments:

Village Idiot said...

You're a fine dad, Moist! That's pretty rare these days.

Check out the Poe Decoder next time, saves keeping skeletons in the closet:
http://www.poedecoder.com/essays/ttheart/

My favorite line of this blog? Crossing out the words neither of you knew.

I look them up. I just need to know what they mean. I never bother to try to pronounce them. And when I finally do use those words in conversation, I pronounce them wrong.

If Son plans on taking the GRE anytime in the future, now is the time to start the priming of his vocabulary. In fact, all the college prep should start now. Take everything he can in school to fulfil basic requirements, so he can take more interesting courses.

Unlike me. Who'd forgotten anything I'd ever known about algebra when I returned to college at 31. I had to start with the most basic course. No, not Intro to Algebra. "Refresher mathematics" where we learned how to use the calculator we'd be using later on. The kind with more buttons than this keyboard.

Geez, I'm dangerously close to dragging off Son to explain life and college and careers and ...See, I forgot to have kids. But I never met a person that was like you or the other one "Good Dad" guy that lives in this apartment complex.

Like I said, there just aren't that many good dads around these days. Or moms for that matter.

Andree

Sid F'er said...

I was inspired to go read the story - it's pretty cool and only about 7 pages long. If you don't like old-fashioned books or know where your library is, you can find the story here. That decoder summary is almost the same as the story, except the summarizer ruins it by subbing "the narrator" for the first person perspective.

Leper Hopeful said...

Moist, hilarious as always. Sid, thanks for the link to the story.

I personally had my own ideas on decoding the story, but they are mad! Mad I tell you!

For starters, I felt that there were really two stories that took place at seperate times but that were woven together into one story that seemingly occurred over the 8 days/nights.

Another idea that crept into my consciousness was that a major theme was sex (between the old man and the first person narrator).

I always hated how you'd have to analyze stories (to death it seemed) in English courses when most of the time I was thinking along the lines of Moist and Son: this guy/girl was likely drunk, or they had an idea for a story but it doesn't have all these underlying themes and hidden meanings. But after reading this story and having this experience of the 'decodation' (that's a word, sure) I've decided to become an English teacher so that I can inflict my mad ideas on students. It's payback time.

Jules said...

I'm too easily creeped out. The Telltale Heart had me avoiding open stairs (things can reach out from under them and grab your ankles) and jumping into my bed from a safe distance of four or five feet (things can reach out from under it and drag you under) for weeks.

I love the uber-dad utility belt. Do they have a line of those for single women?

Leper Hopeful said...

Not sure whether Jules meant a line of utility belts for single women or a line of uber-dads ;)

Anonymous said...

Love you, Moist, and your kid stories... Yeah, boys get into EAP and it's a fun time when they do ... EAP not to be confused with the Employee Assistance Program, although sometimes they (we) get into all that too.

And loved the talk about Marty and Trees and sad hard bitter ditty and trees for the forest etc. This will sound sarcastic when it's not meant to be: a few thousand smart folks in the USA had the same thought and posted it elsewhere and it's thriling to see it posted on your literate blog ... No irony -- straight up. Love you and Sid and as much as I try to stay away since you bring on the Phoebe and make me feel fat and sometimes sad in the midst of EAP, I seem to keep coming on back ... And Beth Hart, I don't know ... Am trying to get into the falling down on the floor thing ... Is it okay that I've collapsed you and Sid into the same voice from on high? Please say yes ... It's just all so confusing and I love that you two are so elusive and so I don't know kind of like Zorro! The blogging world tends to be gross and crass and skeevy and you two are like The Thin Man cut in two and so even slimmer ... ahhhh Phoebe ... can we have a picture of her please?

AMAI said...

Ah, letting Son watch you drink the two beers - that was a fine twist I did not see coming. Also liked the 'handing out towels' line. Where were the kids like him when I was in school?

Loved the line, but I imagine there weren't many words needed crossing out, Moist. You've a fine vocabulary.

I think Jules is looking for an uber-dad that can be worn as a utility belt.

Village Idiot said...

I read the story differently. Seemed to me that the old man's vulture eye (and therefore, the old man) represented all the stupid, illogical, superstitious beliefs humans beings have or have been taught by their family, peers, culture.

The person telling the story, they've got a smidgen of logic left in their sorry brain, and continually try to convince themselves that the vulture eye is, indeed, most evil.

Hence the midnight visits to "catch" the evil eye at work. Surely there would be some sort of ghastly things going on at the midnight hour. Ghouls and devils swarming around, awaiting the command of the old man with the vulture eye.

Only the visits show just a sleeping old man.

The person then has to question their own sanity, as everything appears "normal" and yet that primitive superstition slithers about, creating dissonance.

"The eye is evil"
"It's just an old man"
"But the EYE, it is WRONG"
"The old man is sleeping"
Etc.

That primitive brain wins out, with it's fight or flight responses and illogical beliefs acquired during a lifetime. He kills the old man.

The final confession is the "happy ending" where the logic wins out, the guilt harbored is released. He couldn't handle the consequences of the beliefs he tried to hold.

It's a person on the thin line between the absolute belief in something and an open mind.

We have plenty of people on the absolute belief side. Like when (insert any group, age, religion, ethnicity, gender) fully believed that another dissimilar group was (insert wrong, evil, stupid, blasphemous, the wrong color, size, shape, age, sex, etc).

The open minded people are the few. The Germans that helped the Jews in WW2. The whites that helped the blacks. The men that helped the women. Those folks that didn't buy into the beliefs.

The person of the story, they didn't have any outside input, that might sway them in one way or another. Like the AARP group of vulture-eyes coming to town. Or the "let's lynch 'em" group that remove mental pestilence and vulture eyes to save their fellow believers.

So the battle was internal.

It's got a moral too. Woo hoo! Don't be a jackhole or you'll suffer. Don't buy into belief systems meant to exclude some people and exterminate others. Think of the CONSEQUENCES of your actions.

That's my take. Is it longer than the actual story? Probably.

Andree

Village Idiot said...

Put me down for an über dad too.

I can hardly wait to see what he has on his über hubby utility belt.

Andree

Sid F'er said...

Phoebe

Phoebe was also rumored to be the inspiration for the anime character Ayukawa Madoka.

Village Idiot said...

No doubt this is a guy's blog, eh?

Jules said...

Okay, I won't deny that Phoebe Cates is pretty. Still, I can't see what all the fuss is about. Jennifer Connelly is much prettier than that and she still has the whole brunette thing going.

Since this is such a guy blog, as Andree pointed out, I'd like to know what a guy's criteria for beauty is. Like Uma Thurman, for example. I think she looks like a bizarre cross between an insect and a horse, but apparently she's considered very pretty. Why is that?

And the whole Elizabeth Hurley v. Heather Graham debate back when the second Austin Powers came out. I have to admit that I didn't see either movie, but I thought Elizabeth Hurley looked prettier at a glance. Is it because Heather Graham is blonde?

Inquiring minds want to know.

AMAI said...

Like Uma Thurman, for example. I think she looks like a bizarre cross between an insect and a horse, but apparently she's considered very pretty.

Good call. It must be her huge mouth. Guys like to fantasize about what she could do with it.

Devious D said...

Whoa. MR and Sid. You were just compared to The Thin Man. Whether it's meant as William Powell or Dashiell Hammett, that's one to savor.
Jealous as hell,

Village Idiot said...

Jules, I don't think I know who any of those people ARE that you mentioned. Other than Uma Thurman. And I thought she looked lovely here:
http://www.smart.co.uk/dreams/tgjun99.htm

I was into all the Greek and Roman gods and goddesses stuff. And I liked their ideals of beauty. Compare to the Head of Hygeia here (scroll down):
http://www.arden.com/theartifact/agreek1.html

Remember that guys are way different that gals. They are hole-seekers. Knot-holes, gopher holes, and anything else that might accommodate them.

They have a constant supply of sex-driving hormones that are designed to encourage them to reproduce as often as possible. Genetically it makes sense.

Women are home-seekers. Due to the cyclical nature, with the high-sex-drive occurring around ovulation, designed to ensure reproduction.

However, the long gestation period and child-rearing time and energy needed, the female is much pickier, and must select a guy who isn't golfing because there are 18 holes with endless opportunities.

Check out "Evolution of Desire"...great book. Guys want healthy reproducing age women...health being defined as skin smoothness, etc. Women need the guy who can provide the home, generally money, to protect her and the child(ren) while being raised.

Guys have to be "ready" whenever the woman is receptive. But there's the anatomical differences. Guys, you could stimulate your belly button all day, and it still wouldn't do much. They just don't get it, most of the time. They miss the point. hehehe

Anything that looks remotely arousing to a guy is "hot." We, ladies, on the other hand, find that the drooling guy approach generally repulsive. At least I do.

Do not follow me to my car. Don't tell me what "I" did to your anatomy when I didn't even notice you standing there staring. Your woody is not my problem.

Don't call me on the phone and hang up. Don't follow me to my place of work and sit in your car to watch me walk in. Don't follow me around the area that I work in.

And for crying out loud, don't be a weasel by saying you weren't doing anything when I call the police, and then you ask the police not to tell your wife.

Go back to the art reproductions site, and scroll down to Pan. That's a typical guy. Hard and horny.

What do I want? That yummy bust of Apollo. He looks thoughtful, and hot.

Andree

Anonymous said...

Jules,

Jennifer Connelly over Phoebe Cates, why? Bigger Jugs


"Like Uma Thurman, for example. I think she looks like a bizarre cross between an insect and a horse, but apparently she's considered very pretty. Why is that?" Big Jugs

"And the whole Elizabeth Hurley v. Heather Graham debate back when the second Austin Powers came out. I have to admit that I didn't see either movie, but I thought Elizabeth Hurley looked prettier at a glance. Is it because Heather Graham is blonde?" Don't know about the blonde thing, but both do have big jugs.

Village Idiot and Totally Clueless said...

Guy's blog alert!

The reason why gigantic boobies are so attractive is because...???

You all are giant boobs?

You all remember your mother's boob while nursing and now expect all boobs to be the size of your head?

You think it's really funny to throw M&M's down the cleavage of a low-cut shirt? Or peanuts. Or other things. It's not that funny. It's demeaning.

My cleavage is not a snack storage compartment. It's not a net, or goal. You do not earn points by dunking either.

Apparently guys know what other guys are thinking. I'm totally clueless. Just sitting there with an old boyfriend, in the middle of a conversation and he suddenly looks up and says to some guy passing "They're real."

I never caught the guy looking down my shirt or focusing on my boobies. I didn't notice the guy at all.

I mean, geez, guys. I don't sit there staring at your crotch, and never looking at your face.

The girls were all giggly on another site about Marty's butt. After the RS:INXS show had ended. And I can say with all truth, I don't recall ever actually seeing or noticing his butt.

It's the total package I was watching. His posture and his voice and the emotions he conveyed.

I couldn't identify his butt in a line-up. And I hope I will never have to identify anyone's butt in a line-up.

Andree

Anonymous said...

I was raised by my two daddies. Is this why I'm attracted to hairy chested ladies?

Moist Rub said...

I'm sorry, Andree, did you say something? I was distracted by your chest.

Leper Hopeful said...

Good one Moist!

Village Idiot said...

At least you're HONEST about it, Moist.

Andree

BD Wong said...

Moist indeed is a virtuous stallion of a man.

keysunset said...

You are a mighty fine dad, Moist! I wish I could have seen your performance. You did tape it didn't you? (BTW, my hubby, the resident uber dad, says Son was more likely COLLECTING towels in the girls' locker room than handing them out.)

Thanks for the short stories link, Sid. I re-read another there there was quite an influence on my young mind years ago, "The Monkey's Paw."

In regard to the lusting after body parts discussion, beautiful eyes, a ready smile, and an insane sense of humor does it for me. That's why I've been married for 23 years (yes, I was a baby when I got married). It's also why I keep coming back to Leper Pop. People willing to risk life and reputation doing Bob and Doug imitations at a hockey game, AND that do Tony award winning performances of the Tell Tale Heart in their living room, are well worth knowing.

Write on, Moist (and Sid), write on!

Village Idiot said...

KeySunset (I can almost see it), notice how the guys haven't mentioned anything about what they want? Just boobies. Lots and lots of boobies.

I can tell you one thing. Everytime I look up one of the names that someone posts here, I see lots and lots of boobies. I just do an image search on Metacrawler hoping that maybe the face will ring a bell. And I get boobies.

Guys, come on, you can use the Anonymous feature. Many of us have no idea who you are anyway. I'm real sure there aren't any "Rub, Moist" or "F'er, Sid" in the phone book.

It must be in the "Guy's Code of (non-existant, usually) Ethics"

Rule number 5:
Never flat out say what you like.

Reasons for Rule number 5:

Women will try to change to fit this mold and you didn't like them in the first place.

Women get confused easily.

======

That same old boyfriend who spotted the boob-looker, was the one who would say thing like "I love a gal in jeans tucked into boots, and who hides Victoria's Secret under flannel"

And I'm thinking, "Well, crap, I do that" while I'm looking around to figure out who he's talking about, and don't see anyone ripping off their flannel, jeans, boots to reveal a Victoria's Secret catalogue special.

Cut to Al Pacino...

"Are you talking to me? Cuz I'm the only one here."

Andree

Rabbi Mohammed El Nugent said...

Andree, while you traverse the net on your next boobie~hunt - if you happen to come across a woman with a third breast upon her back, please don't hesitate to post the link to it. If I recollect correctly, it was originally published in National Lampoon, thereby affirming it's existence in reality.

Village Idiot said...

Dear Mo Nugent

You may wish to study genetics, or just read this zippy article on why a third breast, especially on the back is unlikely...and the National Lampoon would not be the first choice of publishing such an anomoly:

http://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/may99/927156510.Ge.r.html

Or, just view Britney with an extra:

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i4776

NOTICE: the above link contains a bare belly boobie. This may be offensive or far too stimulating for the general public.

Except for the guys who want the head-sized boobie. Then they'll finally be satisfied.

Andree

Village Idiot said...

Yo!

Where'd the archives go?

What happened to the counter?

Where's the menu?

What's on the menu?

Where's Waldo?

Andree

Moist Rub said...

The archives and hit counter are still there. Must be user error.

Village Idiot said...

Thanks, Moist. They're back now. But they were gone. No. REALLY. The whole blue area was blank. And the posts went back to Sunday, Sep 4th, a Sid post.

Andree

Jules said...

I think the boob thing is a lame excuse. There must be some other hidden criteria. Otherwise, I'd be getting a hell of a lot more attention than I actually do. I don't mean to brag, but....

Or is there some sort of mathematics involved? Like to compensate for a less than pretty face, the homeliness must be in direct inverse proportions to the largeness of the chest? Hey, I think I'm onto something here!

Moist Rub said...

OK, I'll throw you ladies a bone here, but I don't know if this applies to all men. At this point in my life, I'm looking for somebody with a lot of cash, low standards, has their own interests, is personally fulfilled and doesn't really need me around except to have somebody to pet and eat dropped food off the floor - like having a dog.

Actually, I'm not even looking, but if she shows up, I'll be at the bar (line modified/borrowed from Jake Johansson).

AMAI said...

Andree, I don't believe you don't steal surreptitious glances at men's crotches. I do wonder if maybe you need a hearty three-some with your guy and a woman who's hot for both of you!

Anonymous said...

Picking up where Moist left off… men are simple creatures who believe woman should be placed upon pedestals. As part of a public service, I offer the following suggestions:

o Men like to eat and drink …providing both is good
o Men appreciate the effort to keep your ‘do in style … whilst on the subject of hair, it’s best to remove the follicles around you nipples and chin. Also, ditch the beav … If we want a see a giant bush, we’ll pop in some old school 70’s porn.
o Men like to golf … 9, 18 or 36 holes … it’s all good. What does matter is allowing us to play all 3 of your holes. Other wise, we get bored.
o Massages are nice, hot oil is fun but really it the Happy Endings that were are after.
o Swallow – enough said
o Sports are important … don’t bother us with mindless chit-chat during the Bears, Bulls or Sox games. That came across a little harsh … it’s ok to talk to us (as long as it’s less than a minute) during a commercial break, unless those Miller Light girls are wrestling.

As you can see, I am not an educated man … but I believe in offering assistance when called upon and continuing to do the Lord’s (Lord Vader) work.

Anonymous said...

Moist said..."At this point in my life, I'm looking for somebody with a lot of cash, low standards, has their own interests, is personally fulfilled and doesn't really need me around..."

Maybe Sid can introduce you to a friendly crack whore.

Village Idiot said...

Jules, I think that's true. I haven't had the umpteen dozen plastic surgeries designed to make me look like everyone else.

I remember these two older ladies commenting on my looks (not to me, to each other, HELLO, I'm standing right here). One says "What an attractive woman" and the other says "In an unusual way." What does THAT mean?

Well, I know what it means. I have a giant head with different features. Hey, don't be getting an image of the Elephant Man here. This is what I look like:

Aw, crap, can't link right to it. Uh, besides, the picture is stretched out vertically, giving my face that giraffe neck look. Hmm. Well, click on my name to see the profile here, if you're REALLY that interested (bet nobody is):
http://dgroups.bhg.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&tsn=2&tid=5528&webtag=bhgdecorating

It's an older picture but it's not like my features moved around my face leaving me with a mouth on my forehead.

Of all the gals on the Rockstar show, Jordis was the most attractive, in my eyes. And, yeah, she was attractive in an unusual way too. It wasn't a carbon copy look. She has her own style, and fabulous features, a well-proportioned body (nothing too big or too small).

Anyway, Jules, regardless of our heaving bosoms, if we don't have that generic face, we get the bench.

Moist, I have no cash. Jules, we're still on the bench.

AMAI, looking at men's crotches? I can't even locate the crotch area in those huge, silly clown pants the young guys wear (the ones that hang down to show off their undies and possibly an appliance-repair-man-butt-crack).

Secondly, I don't have a man or woman. There just aren't a lot of crotches I'd be interested in looking at. And here in Fog City, there aren't a lot of heaving bosoms either. Just bulky sweats, windbreakers. It's a living textiles area, there are no people.

Anon, yeah, I got most of that down. You get the remote, whilst you lie on the sofa in your underwear, scratching and farting, while flipping through all the sports shows.

I bring you beer and endless snacks while you're doing this, adding belching to the lovely scenario.

As long as my head doesn't get in the way of the screen, a quick hummer during any sporting event (during a halftime or break) is generally well-received.

If you're paying for the Brazilian wax, I'm getting the Brazilian wax. Caveat: You get one too.

Anything that is a real pain in the butt (pun intended) or you think will add to your pleasure, you have to do it at least once.

You may have second thoughts:
http://www.salon.com/health/feature/1999/09/03/bikini/

Maybe we can do it as a couple. Yeah, it's a couples thing. We'll both go get our Brazilian waxes together. Forever. Awww, how sweet.

Any ladies had one of those yet?

Andree

P-Geo said...

Moist,

I believe Andree is the a strong candidate to become "Domestic Rock Star: Ms. Moist" ... she really seems to know the way to a man's heart.

As a minister with the Universal Life Church, I can legally:

- Perform marriages

- Perfrom funerals, baptisms, last rites or any sort of legal ceremony or ritual , with the exception of circumcision.

- Start a church or a rock band

- absolve others of sin

- Save you a ton on your car insurance.

- Paint any car for $199.

I would be honored to offer my services, if called upon.

Semper ubi sub ubi ... hic hoc hoac, hius, hius, hius ... coitus imteruptus.

God Speed/

Jules said...

Andree - Judging by your pic, I'd say that attractive in an unusual way is the way to go. Conventionally pretty is boring. Attractive with character is better.

Darth Anonymous - I think I've just become a lesbian. Thanks. That'll probably make life a bit simpler, actually. Then again, I'd have to give up the Marty fairy tale. And I couldn't brazenly hit on Moist and Sid anymore.

Scratch that. Guess I'll have to memorize those rules. We'll have to compromise on the Brazilian wax, though. You pluck out each hair in your nether regions one by one with a pair of tweezers and maybe we'll talk.

Sid F'er said...

It still cracks me up that all this seemed to start just because I posted a picture of Phoebe at the request of a female reader.

The power of Phoebe.

Village Idiot (not one of the Village People) said...

Sid, SID, I've been mildly simmering over the "guy blog" thing for...uh...since Rockstar blogs. Because some of the things were so...uh..."guy-like"

I went off on a gal blog type thing and one of you thought it would be sooo funny to delete a long message I wrote. Not that I remember what I said, I wasn't paying that much attention to what I was writing in the first place.

And I've been simmering over being called a conservative on another board. CONSERVATIVE! Great Zeus! Even going as far as suggesting I was part of the Moral Majority!

So that picture, Sid, was the last straw. Well, added to that were trying to figure out who the rest of the people are that were mentioned here or previously, that always led me to nude women somewhere online. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I was seriously trying to figure out who those mentioned people ARE.

So the simmering pot finally let out a puff of steam. Whew, that feels better. Way to cut loose, Andree

Sid, you just never know what will happen in life. What a link will bring about in your faithful readers. It's a good lesson to learn before you're nationally syndicated. Or is that "Sidnicated"?

Andree

Merriam-Webster said...

Sid, you're an insensitive bastard!

Andree, I'm a tad naive, and in so being, I eagerly attempted to decode your messages. Three phrases in particular; "a quick hummer" "heaving bosoms" and "locate the crotch." GREAT SETH!

Nice Tat, Jules...

Village Idiot said...

Jules, honey, did you miss the part where the guy gets the wax too? Think about it.

And guys are such cowards when it comes to pain, that they'd run screaming from the salon.

Seriously. I had to have a nerve conduction test of some kind where the doctor? sticks giant needle probes into the nerves and then watches a screen and listens to the sounds and then sends electricity into the needle probe.

Thing looks like a meat thermometer.

To me, it was like having my reflexes tested. You know, the triangle rubber hammer thing under the kneecap. Except it was in my arm.

They run various currents, from mild to "didja hook me up to a truck battery or what" strength.

The doctor? said that most guys, on average, can't handle the MILD current. They get up and leave in the middle of testing.

They couldn't handle the waxing.

I think all guys should be required to try out high heels and short skirts and nylons.

Just like I think all potential drivers should be required to ride in a gravel hauling truck and on a motorcycle. Once it's been experienced first hand, it often leaves an impression.

Guys in speedos having to display themselves with no mercy of baggies. Guys having to buy 15 pairs of nylons a day because they can't master the concept of runs. Guys plucking eyebrows.

Guys, you can try that now. Just pluck out a couple of hairs of your eyebrows. They won't be missed.

After a day of "beauty treatments" the guys will then prefer the cave-woman appearance. And will really mean it when they say "anything you wear or do is fine".

Andree

Sid F'er said...

IMDB> is your friend. Look up your favorite stars without the porn. Unless that's what you like.

Jules said...

Oh no, Andree, I caught the couples Brazilian wax thing, I just liked the plucking one hair at a time idea better. It goes with your last post: two or three hairs and they'd be all for hairy gals.

Sid, you're a blog star, now. Your adoring fans will take anything and everything and blow it out of all proportion. Just wait until you notice your first paparazzi hiding in the bushes across the street. Ah, it's moments like these that make life so precious...

Merriam-Webster - Awwwwwww, you noticed! *blush*

Aunt Nina said...

Being an alumnus of the school in which 'Son' is enrolled, I must tell you that the girls never shower after gym class. First, they only give you several minutes to get dressed, so there is no time. Second, it's not like they make you run 5 miles a day - so no one gets that sweaty. Thus, there's no need for an enthusiastic towel lad.

Sorry to destroy little boys' fantasies but, there is no nakedness happening in the girls' locker room. Movie-makers don't seem to care about this fact since a girls' locker room scene usually appears in films made for the teenage male audience, where the girls are portrayed running around - giggling like idiots. It just perpetuates the falsehood. Again, sorry guys.

Village Idiot said...

Thanks for the link, Sid! I looked up the Phoebe person. Read the credits. Looked again at the face. Still not ringing a bell. And I saw two of those movies. Just no idea who she is. Wouldn't know her on the street.

I will use that IMDb link from now on to look up the endless parade of names I don't recognize. There's lots of info there to help me figure out if I know who you're talking about.

Jules, do you have any guys you can try this plucking on? Uh, eyebrows and a couple of nose hairs ought to do it. An armpit would be good too, just a few.

After which they'll be sending us Women's Rogaine and suggesting we "grow free and proud".

I had a dentist who possessed what had to be the equivalent of HEPA filtered nostrils. And they'd hover over my open mouth. AHHHHH. Too much hair. Scariest hair-related thing I can think of.

Aunt Nina, I never saw any shower scenes in real life either. The only way they could exist is at university level, and where one had no classes afterwards. Probably used most by the kids who can't afford to shower at home, or bother to clean their shower...oh, wait, that's a guy thing.

The Industry is chock full o' stuff that never happens. I've seen umpteen dozen car crashes over the years, and the cars NEVER blow up.

Andree

L A Ray said...

If you don't want a wax....don't do it. If you don't want to shave....don't do it. If you don't want to wear high heals.... don't do it. If you don't want to wear short skirts....don't do it. Most of all don't wish something you don't like on someone else. It's not very Christian like. What would the Moral Majority think (wink)

GO ANGELS!!!!!!!

Bill Clinton's little friend said...

*And I've been simmering over being called a conservative on another board. CONSERVATIVE! Great Zeus!*

And I suppose being called a liberal socialist whack-job would flatter you.

Village Liberal Socialist Whack-Job Idiot said...

Ray, we took a vote. You were chosen. You will be tied down by many women for a night of endlessly passionate plucking.

And I'm not a Christian either.

BCLF,
Liberal
1. Showing or characterized by broad-mindedness

Socialism is a belief that human society can and should be organised along social lines - that is, for the benefit of all, rather than for the profit of a few.

Whack-job:
2. Someone who partakes in unbelievably odd behavior that a reasonable human would avoid.

I guess it fits. That "odd behaviour" being that I really do take the time to help fellow human beings, as well as animals. Most folks don't.

I'll spend a fifth of my income on food for the homeless animals. Most folks don't.

I'll pull over on the freeway to use the emergency phones because I saw someone else broken down in the center of the road where there are no phones. Most folks don't.

I observe the right of way, come to a complete stop, and follow the suggested speed limit. Most folks don't.

I will donate blood or platelets, have signed up as a marrow donor and an organ donor. Not enough folks do.

I'll hold the door for package-laden people. Most folks don't.

Yup, in this day and age, common sense and common courtesy are much more freakish than what is considered "normal" behaviour.

I'll gladly take that label.

BCLF, now grasp your little friend between your thumb and little finger and let it lead you home. And stop letting your very little friend let loose on the side of the road, eh? I'm tired of smelling your urine.

Andree

L A Ray said...

Andree, I'll point out your type-o. I believe you hit the "pl" key on your keyboard when you meant to hit the "f" key. Not a problem since I caught it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks loads for the fantabulous linkage there, Sid...changed my life, it did...

The tears will soon be gone, and the ache will fade away... Against your wishes, I think you're smart and pretty.(that is before you transformed into a seal) This last part wasn't about Sid, although...

Sid F'er said...

My pleasure.

Godspeed, Phoebe.

village idiot said...

Sid, Moist, between about 11 PM (15,552) and 5 AM (15,759) Pacific time, you got over 200 hits to this website.

Nothing new was posted during that time. I think this posting area is two-three hours ahead of me. So who ARE all these people up in the middle of the night, reading and not commenting?

I know that I will reread some things. Sometimes in the middle of the night, especially when I'm cranky because I can't sleep. A jolly good laugh will cut the crankiness, and my chortling into the pillow will help me doze off.

It certainly doesn't put me to sleep, as in bores me. So I don't think that's what folks are doing.

But you just have to wonder. Well, you don't have to wonder at all. I think it's worth wondering about.

I have visions. NO, not of gods and stuff like that, but of regular folks checking in here late at night or early in the morning, and then talking about it at work.

"Did you see what Sid wrote?" or "Have you read Moist's latest?" discussed while standing around the water cooler, avoiding work at work.

Do you gents get a break-down of hourly hits to the site?

If any of you folks out there who are reading this haven't posted, how about a comment or two? I'm sure the guys would love to hear what YOU all think.

Do you love the blogs? How did you come to find this site? Do you have a favorite blog that you reread? Any favorite lines from any of the blogs?

Like "Nicely done, Jebediah" totally cracks me up. It's in one of the Rockstar blogs. I have no idea why I find that hilarious. But even typing it, it gives me that feeling...I don't even know how to describe the feeling, like being tickled all over and feather-light in spirit? See, I don't know how to describe that feeling.

You don't have to use your real name. When you click on "Other" there's the option of putting in your name. Any name. Or you can click on Anonymous, but it wants you to login to do that. Hmm. Well, I've never posted anonymously.

I don't think I had to sign up for anything here. I don't remember signing up. But then I don't remember what day it is most of the time.

Add a comment or two. Go ahead. It's fun!

Andree

Bill Clinton's little friend said...

Village Idiot (name fits well):
Why are all of your comments as long as Sid & Moist's blogs?
Why do you always inject your political views into the conversation when nobody else mentioned anything political? Even when you go off on things you know little about?
Your list of reasons why you are a socialist are silly and ignorant. People of all political persuasions donate their time and money to people less fortunate.
And unless you have some kind of super computer that can smell people across the world through their monitors ----- the urine you are smelling is your own.

AMAI said...

the urine you are smelling is your own.

Unless, of course, Bobby Jon and/or Blake is in the room with you. Then Urine Luck, as well as an Alliance.

Sorry. I know I shouldn't reference Survivor in here but I want to get all the mileage I can out of that lame joke.

P.S. Sid? I'm changing my story. The girl is going to be in love with her brother's best friend, instead. I'll let you know when the tweaks are done, for there will be much tweaking required. Then I hope you can enjoy without too much guilt. Just don't start on their ages.

To everyone else: What? Y'all pull your cryptic replies, too, from time to time.

AMAI said...

Who let socialists in? Resisting the urge to simply post a pukeyface emote, I'll sum up:

Socialism is a form of statism. It's on the same coin as communism and fascism. Its opposite would be capitalism, or as it must be called, laissez-faire capitalism.

All statism is anti-individualism. The differences between & among the types of statism boil basically to who's pulling the strings governing your life.

Rejecting it in theory as a viable form of government cost me my family, but I don't regret the decision. Their loss.

Moist Rub said...

What about Apathetism? That's what I care about. The only thing my government has done to hold me back is that damn law against murder. But you know what? I just don't care. So look out.

keysunset said...

yeah, watch out he's got a (butter) knife on that uber dad utility belt! And he's not afraid to use it!

AMAI said...

Good eye, KeySunset.

Get me some Robertsons Thick Cut Marmalade and we'll talk, Moist.

Bill Clinton's little friend said...

Village Idiot:
I've rethought this and depending where you are the urine odor maybe from an incontinent pet that needs to be let out more often or from a coworker with an unfortunate hygiene problem - and not from you. You probably smell very nice.

Village Idiot (I.Q. ~140 or so) said...

Well, geez, guys, I tried to do a Moist and cross off the words I didn't know, but all that happened was I got some black perma-marker lines on my glare guard.

Because, when next I scrolled, THOSE words appears. The glare guard is history.

So I looked them up. On the Websters site. Scrolled down and picked out a meaning that would sort of fit me. Ignored the rest of the meanings as they didn't appeal to me.

I had to use a separate dictionary for "whack-job"
http://www.urbandictionary.com/

BCLF, YOU are the one that gave me the long names, that I had to look up, and I got to pick the parts I liked. Hah. Otherwise, I wouldn't claim them at all. Well, other than being open-minded.

What political views? Maybe they are PERSONAL views and YOU label them as political. They're opinions from what I see and how I feel and are subject to change at any time with additional information.

Why are my posts so bloody long? I have all that time, because I'm disabled and at home.

Anyway, BCLF, why don't you tell us why you decided on a personal attack. What brought that about? Be specific, please, providing links and phrases and how you interpreted them. Perhaps you misunderstood me.

And you'll always have to explain an insult. Because I may not get it. So explain why your first lovable post was an insult and why I should be offended. Thanks.

Editors and advertisers care about hits. Hits to a web page. Or responses from readers. They want you to want to read it, listen to it, watch it. They don't care if you doing it to feel better or to get angry. They want you hooked.

I specifically asked Moist if I was a problem. His response was that it makes for a lively comment area. And that he would definitely let anyone know if they were a problem. He can email me. He can delete or edit the posts. So can Sid.

Between blogs, the only new things being posted here are the comments. Yet there are a stream of hits to the site. So it could be that NEW people are coming all the time to read the blogs, starting way back in August. And enjoying them immensely. And telling others to come read them.

Or they could be people coming to read the comments. Or they're rereading their favorite blogs.

Whatever it is, they all count as hits to the blog. Which may help Sid and Moist become famous "Sidnicated" humourists known the world over.

They'll be rich. And maybe they'll remember us little people and let us look at their yacht.

"Ahhh, don't touch it, ya grimy little street urchin, be off with ya now."

Wow, notice how the sun makes the golden-embroidered Leper Crest shimmer on the navy blazers of Sid and Moist.

Oh, and I'll be the man, even though I'm a woman, and say "I'm sorry if I offended you"...but you have to TELL me what offended you. LOL!

Andree

Thankful Village Idiot said...

Thank you BCLF! That was very nice. Of course, I read it after I wrote another book...uh...comment.

I don't want us to be mad at each other.

And it was very unfair to blame you for peeing on our street. Unless you drive that red truck that has the white dog house in the back. Or you really do pee on our street.

I am lonely. And it's fun to be here. Even if I don't know who most of the people are that are famous or various personal incidents they talk about.

Thanks again for being nice to me.

Andree

Sid F'er said...

I like Son House. Poe ain't bad, either.

Andree said...

Alrighty then. Where's the blog? (said as that little old lady who said "Where's the beef?").

What's your favorite breakfast cereal? Anyone else like Frosted Mini-Wheats? The Safeway brand is better, smaller wheat squares, more frosting. Anyone else think they ought to cut the cereal portion altogether and just have vitamin-enriched frosting chunks?

What's everyone doing for my birthday? It's the 23rd. It's a Sunday. Since we all can't get together on that most sacred of days, feel free to celebrate in your own area.

This is a great excuse to eat more cake. Dance more. Laugh more. Wear ridiculous hats. Purchase and blow those noise makers. Buy something, wrap it up, and surprise yourself with something you've always wanted.

If you haven't gone out to lunch or dinner recently, do so. Take a friend. A loved-one. Or a spouse. You shouldn't need an excuse to go out, but now you have one.

If you haven't had a romantic or fun dinner at home recently, do so. You shouldn't need an excuse to have a nice evening at home. Now you have one.

Tell someone you love them. Doesn't matter who, everyone needs to hear it. Thank someone for something. Anything. And mean it.

I hope you all enjoy my birthday!

Andree

Bill Clinton's little friend said...

Andree:
Forget the biting attitude of my second post. Sometimes when people get defensive (urine on the street comment) they react badly without thinking clearly. That's what happened and I felt awful afterward so please forgive me. People can have different political/personal/spiritual ideas and still talk to each other about less touchy subjects without conflict. Have a very happy birthday.

Moist Rub said...

You guys are going to make me cry. Please start fighting again.

Hey, I apologize for the lack of posts. You may not be aware, but the White Sox are in the playoffs, and doing fairly well, so that has interrupted my literary fecundity. I promise to get something new out there this weekend, maybe even tonight.

I think in New Orleans Sid was swallowed by an alligator, which was consequently swallowed by a Burmese python, which proceeded to explode, so I'm not sure when he'll be back. I'm sure he'll be able to talk his way out of hell, but it may take some time to convince Satan that he got on the wrong bus.

AMAI said...

Sid's fine. He's busy on a road trip. I, um, ah. Yeah.

Cake! Of course, I immediately think of Marty covered in cake, then pulling off his clothes to hop in the shower with the rest of his Rocker buds and buddettes. I'm all hot & bothered now.

Have a great birthday, Andree.

Sid F'er said...

Hey, MR - does Son know of this blog? If so, does he read your stuff and how does he feel about being featured?

bibi said...

what's happening to leperpop? zowie!

bibi said...

Okay -- Sorry ... I'm the pain who got The I'm a Chick But Want Phoebe and Her Lips thing going some weeks ago in midst of a manic episodio ... but only indirectly because either Sid or Moist started it and so I still feel like blaming both or either of them on Judge Judy. I was just lurking here because I thought I couldn't live without Marty. Now I know for a fact I can live without Marty ... I just can't be content the way I was before and I wasn't happy then either ... Anonymous because I found out Blogs and Message Boards are hoary warzones and I'm a chicken ... Now I'll just be an ass about what was once fun ... mainly this LeperousZone -- it was fun. You guys, turns out I can't really be happy without YOU! ... So pick a show and maybe not so much with the Christ and the Poe although I will do as you say and probably like it ... Heaven knows I hadn't thought about Phoebe Cates in over 20 years ... So am over Phoebe although if it's true a photo was posted will look it up and raise my glass in a fearsome toast to all that is good and bad and plumply pouty lusty ... I'm a sentimental lass and these last few weeks have been memorable. Pick a show, boys, and let's get to it ... And, again, thanks to you for not being mean. Not being mean is goood. All of these fields are optional ...

village idiot said...

Who broke the counter? The counter doesn't load, and the picture for the counter is a red X and it links to here:
http://www.mesothelioma-source.org/

Which creeps me out because they're doing asbestos work in the lobby.

Bibi, we're all going through serious withdrawals. We USED to get three blogs from each of Our Heroes: F'er and Rub every week. SIX blogs a week.

But, that was because OH: F'er and Rub were inspired to blog three times a week each, with RS:INXS.

What else is on that often that demands blogism and mockery? Comedy shows or talk shows with funny hosts won't work, they already mock themselves.

I've plugged in a few ideas that they might find workable. But humour comes from within. THEY have to be tickled over the subjects.

Their subject has to be accessible to us to understand it. Like Rockstar was on TV. Or it comes from their own personal experiences that allow us, the audience, to share in, and we giggle because we use OUR imagination with their humour to get the end result.

That's the power of writers. We laugh until we cry, cry until we laugh, leave all the lights on when we're scared, slip away to another world, another time, another place.

If we can't relate to it, we won't get it. If it has obscure references, we won't get it. If it's forced, it certainly won't be nearly as enjoyable as it would if it came as something they HAD to write about.

Pitch in suggestions. What shows do you think need the F'er and Rub treatment?

Andree

Sid F'er said...

Sorry about the lack of posts - I've been spending a little too much time working on my Phoebe Cates shrine. I'm only doing it to make Crystal Bernard jealous.

Expect something this weekend. Lots of scribbles in my notebook that will probably inspire some sort of post with a nice, clean comments slate.

A TV show would be nice, but two problems. Nothing much out there to inspire me and forces us to maintain a rigid schedule. Heh, heh. I said rigid. I believe TV shows would require timely updates and my schedule won't allow it right now. The last two weeks of RS darn near wrecked me.

Anonymous said...

Be sure to post a link to photos of your Phoebe Cates shrine, Sid. Y'know Crystal is lurking out here and it will make her jealous to see that you, El SID, is giving his unrequited love to Phoebe and not her. Maybe it'll make her run to you screaming, "Don't worry about the minimum wage! I make more than enough for both of us and all of your Leper Pop groupies! Come close to me and let me smell your cologne (that smells interestingly enough of tar)"

And even if nothing of the sort happens, you still have Mrs. F'er. And us.

keysunset said...

Ooops. I hit enter before I was ready. So that "Anonymous" about El SID was from Keysunset.

I'm computer illiterate. Besides not being able to spel sometimes either.

BTW, not that I think we could all get into this like we did RS:INXS, but I've watched "Night Stalker" for the last two Thursdays. I think I may be hooked. Last night was particularly creepy, but I loved the way I could never figure out exactly where the story was going next. I watched "Night Stalker" years ago with Darrin McGavin and I'm the wierdo with the old "Dark Shadows" fixation too, so I had to check this out.

Glad to see you talked your way out of the alligator, Sid.

P-Geo said...

Where's the LeperPop Podcast?

bibi said...

Wish I could have everyone over for beer and beer and ahhh beer and then some pizza, I don't know. Beer is life. Unless you are Poe and on the wagon. Poor Poe ... Poor Moist and Sid although it is all their fault and Judge Judy lurks, like the apocalypse.

Village Idiot, of course, you are right ... Not much on the radio today but we can still see a movie or a play... Did I get that right?

And, Andree, if you were near, we would go out for a three martini lunch on me.

How about RockStar:Lou Reed ... Or RockStar:Communist ... Or RockStar:LouReedIsACommunist? I'm a Communist too. Being a Socialist just ain't enough anymore ...

Seems we've moved on to Playboy ... Crack me up ... Can we start talking about Pamela Anderson now? I LOVE Pamela Anderson ... In fact, I was wrong to get hung up on Phoebe ... It's all about PamAnd ... Thank goodness for the Moist Sid -- the Thin Zorro Men -- know where to take us in our hour of need. And that the respondees are both acerbic and gentle ...

I will regret submitting this but then we all do, don't we?

Village Idiot said...

KeySunset, I didn't notice Night Stalker in the Sid review, so I never knew it was on. I did catch part of it, and I think I'll be watching alongside you. Well, watching here. You watch there.

I was a Night Gallery fan. That was the stuff of nightmares. "Fear of Spiders" was a good one, Episode 10:
http://www.nightgallery.net/season2a.html

And I remember "The Dead Man" from the first season. Aw, it looks like they had to pull the art! I liked those paintings.

Here's another site that lists the directors of the episodes:
http://www.tv.com/night-gallery/show/1013/episode_guide.html

Lots of the then-predominent TV actors played in the series. Sort of like "Tales from the Crypt" became later on.

Whatever happened to horror? They're heading back with the sci-fi stuff, with Threshold and Invasion. The former I've seen the first one and part of the shows after. I never remember when it's on. The latter I haven't seen yet.

There used to be horror movies on at night. Especially Saturday night. Which beat the pants off of infomercials. Like Bob Wilkins hosting Creature Features. And Elvira.

Those old films, they could still scare us, and they would be fodder for OH: Rub and F'er. I just KNOW that our guys could take the scare out of "Night of the Living Dead" (the original one) and turn it into a laugh-a-thon.

With all the special effects available now, I'd like to see a new horror series. Somewhere. On TV. On a channel I can get with rabbit ears.

Anyone else?

Andree

Village Idiot said...

Bibi, you thought the Playboy thing was funny? What part was supposed to be funny? I didn't get it, if it was supposed to be funny. Someone has to explain it to me.

I'll take you up on the pizza. Maybe a half a beer. I have to pass on the martini lunch. I don't drink. Well, I drink coffee and tea and diet lime cola and water (tap water).

I think what's in a martini is all alcohol and an olive? I like olives. Maybe I can have a glass of olives. Make that three glasses of olives. Yeah, that'll confuse the waiter. "I'll have a martini, extra olives, hold the booze, eh?"

It makes me stupid(er), dizzy, hypoglycemic, tastes awful, and is far too expensive.

Andree

Yu Zhenhuan said...

"...diet lime cola..."

Not to be overly-opinionated or anything, and to each their own, but that's just wrong -- in oh so many ways... ;o}

ZZZZZzzzzz said...

Hey, I was drinking Pepsi Light with carcinogens in the 70's and enjoying it. That was Diet Pepsi and Lemon. Yum.

It's that nice bubbly cola flavor with the extra refreshment of citrus (without having to go over to uncaffeinated citrus beverages). No calories. Enough caffeine to help keep me conscious.

I preferred the lemon diet cola from Safeway, but stupid Pepsi brought out their lime and so did Safeway, replacing their lemon diet cola with lime diet cola. The lime is sweeter and not quite as crisp.

Safeway brand is less sweet than Pepsi brand, in the diet versions. Which I prefer. I cannot drink regular sugared soda, again due to the hypoglycemic reactions I have to anything heavily sugared. And regular sodas are just pure sugar. Yuck. Plus that loogy/throat effect from them. Double yuck.

My god, I'm sooo bored.

Andree

Bibi said...

Village Idiot ... Martinis are yummy. Good for breakfast with pizza. Besides, it was a compliment!
Drinking martinis with folks not of interest isn't really fun ...

I gather Captain Break-It has just taken over like so many of the new tv shows this season ... Invasion, Threshold, CSI-- Memphis -- I'm waiting for Circumcision:Male & Female --It's all about being taken from without, I think.

RockStar obviously served as an opiate ... now it's gone and we've taken to nibbling on each other perhaps in a manner that's terribly satisfying.

As for the Playboy thing ... I don't know ... Who knows what the boys are up to ... Who knows if the boys are really even boys?

As for myself, this blog and all the fellow zanies here never bore me. Am just trying to remember that I really am hetero (not that it matters) and that it's best not to go on and on about the girls.

I think I'm trying to hide the fact that I fell in love with Mr. Casey several weeks ago ... God knows I'm old enough to know better and our love is doomed.

This thread got really long.

I hope Captain Break-It appreciates that we appreciate him-her-them and tthat CB-It is in fact the Moist Sid and the Siddy Moist. And, BTW, Village Idiot is great moniker ... wish I had thought of it! Cheers!

Village Idiot said...

The "Village Idiot" is the "The Fool" in Tarot. http://www.intuitivetarot.com/fool.html

http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/fool.shtml

I'm content with what little I have. The only thing I'd really LIKE to have is a trailer. Yeah, but it's gotta be like this one:
http://bhg.com/bhg/slideshow/slideShow.jhtml?slideid=/templatedata/bhg/slideshow/data/TrailerCoutureDIY_SS_04012004.xml&psrc=dg052

Because I have cats. I want more for THEM. I want them to have outdoor living space to run around in, while being safe from other animals.

The wild cats take time to adjust to an indoor situation, and all that deck area is perfect.

Don't want or need a big house. Too much work. Property taxes too high.

There's lots of things I don't know. In fact, you could take all the characters typed on the entire Internet and all I'd know for sure wouldn't fill up the single period at the end of this sentence. And, even that wee bit is subject to change.

I'm not afraid to say I don't get it. Or that I'm baffled. Hence others look at me like I AM an idiot. It doesn't mean I am an idiot. Just means I don't understand it yet.

I've always had that feeling of missing the day in school where the passed out the meaning of life. You know people that "get it". Again, feeling like the fool.

Anyway, there are many meanings to it, and why it's a splendid name for me. LOL!

Andree

AMAI said...

Andree, if you're bored, would you consider recapping some TV shows for me?

I could find a nook for you to post them in, and you would suddenly find a terrific outlet for your creativity.

Let me know if you have any interest at all!

My email is amai@applelinks.net

I already do a recap each week for Survivor, so it's not like you wouldn't have time for posting here.

keysunset said...

Andree wrote
"Whatever happened to horror? ... used to be horror movies on at night. Especially Saturday night.
Those old films, they could still scare us, and they would be fodder for OH: Rub and F'er. I just KNOW that our guys could take the scare out of "Night of the Living Dead" (the original one) and turn it into a laugh-a-thon. "

LOL! I'd love to read Sid & Moist take on the original "Night of the Living Dead." I might even get up enough nerve to watch it again ... I was waaaaay too young when I watched it the first time -- my best friend and I and her little brother got dropped off at the local library for a free screening near Halloween one year. What WERE our parents thinking!!!! The little brother spent most of the movie whimpering under his chair and I was too petrified to move ... I still get chills thinking about that movie.

village idiot said...

I usually sleep through prime time. I don't sleep well, so I end up getting a few hours of sleep a couple times a day. About every 12 hours I doze off. Which currently coincides with prime time and dawn. It's awful.

Besides, I'm not a good "leader", I'm a good "follower". I'm no Sid or Moist. I can ADD things, but can't start things off well.

Although, I'm TRYING to watch Invasion right now. I guess it's one of those shows that you had to see from the beginning. So far it's getting the Hoover award (it sucks).

Andree

AMAI said...

As a teenager, I went to see "Night of the Living Dead" at the drive-in with a bunch of friends. After the show, I'm hanging out the back seat window cracking myself and my friends up by intoning like a zombie, "I'm hungry." Heh - "Like A Zombie." (Hmmm I smell a parody of Madonna's Like A Virgin" just a-itchin' to get out!)

Andree, the thing about recapping is, the show itself "starts you off." It provides a framework to corral the digressions (on which I feel sure you'd venture from time to time.)

Also, you don't need to watch the show "live" if you have the means to tape it. You can watch it at your convenience, as long as you can write the recap in a timely fashion. Anyway, I do think you'd be perfect, providing you're interested.

Village Idiot said...

AMAI, you must mistake me for someone who has cable. Here's a question, does the VCR tape what I see? I mean, would be be just as fuzzy and snowy? I'm guessing it will tape the same crappy signal that I get usually. Which often means readjusting the rabbit ears frequently.

Sometimes there is little picture. Sometimes there is little or no volume on certain channels. Sometimes there's interferance from...who knows what. Blow dryers. Coffee grinders. Heaters or toasters. Whatever else the 150 other apartments have going at any particular time right around me.

In other words, it can't be taped without me being there to adjust the antenna and whine.

I had cable once. And that was the only time I could see the faces clearly. Usually there are overlapping heads. When I say the last three gals besides Jordis looked the same on Rockstar, I wasn't kidding. They did all look the same, blurry and indistinct.

The biggest clue to the fact that Charlie Sheen is in the war movie on right now was his voice. And a whole lot of squinting.

What I want to know is why the commander guy can walk about all pissed off in the midst of people being fired on, and yell at the enlisted men and doesn't get shot.

I've never watched a whole episode of Survivor. I've never watch American Idol at all. The only reason I caught some of Big Brother was because it was before Rockstar. And the main reason I kept watching Rockstar was because of Sid and Moist. Otherwise I wouldn't have watched it to the end.

Besides, I'm thinking of starting a "Save the Lake Merced Foxes" campaign. There are a lot of foxes in the area, and there are a lot of speeders on the street. The street is unlit.

Just tonight on the way home I almost hit one. And I'm a slow driver. It was in the street after a big dead rat that had been hit by a car on the other side of the street.

I locked up my brakes, annoyed the people behind me, and pulled over. I moved the dead rat over to the fox. And put out an additional snack (I just happened to have 18 pounds of cat food in the car, you know, just in case I get stranded, LOL).

Over the past few years, we've made some great changes on our street. Due in part to many folks' efforts, including my own. But the speed limit is still too high and if I have to create a "Save the Foxes" campaign to get animal rights people involved to get the speed limit reduced and "fox crossing" signs erected, then I will. All the animals will benefit. Including the two-legged variety. Like me. When I try to cross the street. They don't stop for me either.

I spend time with the animals outdoors. Dadgum city people worried about attacking raccoons, rabid skunks, giant rats (possums), and man-eating foxes.

I've been tending the forest for years. The wild cats brought me out there, and the rest come around. All but one of the cats have been spayed/neutered and have their shots. The injured skunk from a couple years back is doing fine, his/her leg is healed, and I can pet it. The injured raccoon mama is doing fine, even with a bad paw. And the newest Sadlington is a baby raccoon that is way smaller than it's siblings and seems to have deformed front legs.

It's very well protected by it's mama and the other FIVE siblings. It's a huge family group. I got them to move from the apartment dumpster to the lake area where they will have more roaming area, more protection from people, more food opportunities.

The cats get a full meal. The rest get "snacks". Sometimes they'll eat it all. Other times they just have a little bit and leave food. I don't want them to fully depend on me for food. They aren't
"wildlife" anymore if they do.

Except for the injured ones. Those get extra special attention and extra food. Those that are least able to care for themselves need the most care. To make their lives just a little bit better.

And that's another of my life philosophies. I'm not striving for a perfect life. A perfectly kept house. A perfectly done anything. I just want to make things a little bit better.

I'm thinking that is what life's about. Making things a little bit better. For ourselves. For others. For now. For the future.

Even if it's a little skunk's life.

Andree