Rock Star - Aug 15 Moist Rub

Suave Porn needs to judge the rockers on their acoustic ability. Anybody can hide behind a loud, screaming electric guitar. Billy Joel has been doing it for years. Wait a minute, that’s a piano. No, wait, Elton John hides behind a piano. Wait, I don’t know. Ever since they went on tour together, I can’t tell the difference between them. Which one was gay again? Is that why Christy Brinkley left him? Uptown girl, my ass. Not sure what that means. Though they have not yet announced it, Suave Porn plans to dedicate a portion of their highly anticipated tour to a Peter, Paul and Mary revival. Henceforth, thusly and so, we were forced to experience these young rockers while they edaciously vined the acoustic jungle of rock tonight. Their ability to effectively bring acoustic freedom rock to the Suave Porn world is paramount, making this week’s performance episode the most important one in Suave Porn history. Jason has duly noted this in the Suave Porn annals.

Brooke looked like she lost another battle with the hair rollers. Or, maybe that was due to the prenatal hormones racing to her brain and spilling into her do. It is good to see she has incorporated maternity wear into her show wardrobe, even though she is not yet showing. Her fashion statement is a “burning bra” for pregnant women all over the world. It is also good for the baby so that Brooke’s dermal hair follicles get used to the coarse maternity wear fabric that could cause a full body hair strike if she waited too long to allow her body to begin acclimating, which would cause her womb cilia to react maliciously toward the fetus. My brother is a doctor, so I know about this stuff.

We were privileged to gain an inside look at rock star life in Vegas. Who’d a thunk it was all about shots of Jagermeister and bowling? Apparently, I’ve been a rock star for years. Admittedly, I usually have only about half the amount of hot babes hanging on me than they did. Then again, I don’t have a record company sending hookers over to the bowling alley on my bowling nights, either.

Zayra – Lluvia De Mar by Zayra. I thought Zayra was going to be scarred for life when she got wasted at the Playboy mansion last year and made out with comedian, Bill Maher, because she thought he was Verne Troyer (Mini Me). She wrote this song about his uvula to help her heal from that heinous experience. If Suave Porn could understand Spanish, they could translate the lyrics and discover Zayra is telling them to rid the show of her. Zayra changed my fantastical image of her with this performance. It’s not a fantastical image like Jason has for her (she’s a little too skeletal for my tastes). She portrayed some sanity tonight. It was sanity on a much different plane than mine, but sanity nonetheless. I don’t want a sane Zayra. Neither does Suave Porn.

Magni – Starman by David Bowie. Magni intended to dress like Ziggy Stardust but, being from Iceland, which is barley even part of above water Earth, he mistakenly confused the Bowie 70’s pop alter ego with Ziggy of newspaper comic fame. Hence, the bald head and stubby, girthful limbs. And the singing in voice bubbles. Magni’s treatment of this song was nothing comical, however. I was not laughing. Nor do I laugh at Ziggy comics, so maybe it was comical. Magni dug up some deep tonight, and stuccoed it all over the stage, and the audience and the Suave Porn. But not Dave. He sprayed himself with Teflon. Magni seems to have more ability than the other male rockers to imbue emotion into his performances. Maybe it is due to him being the only parent in the group, so he understands what true feelings are. Maybe he’s faking it. He is faking it. (Note to all women: men don’t know how to have emotions or even understand them, let alone authentically convey them in a song. Whenever you sense a man is opening up his deepest feelings to you, he’s faking it to get into your pants. I have painted this commandment on my daughter’s bedroom wall, and I make her write it five hundred times a day. Only, in Magni’s case, he has extrapolated this strategy to get into Suave Porn’s pants, which isn’t to be taken literally – it’s a metaphor. I don’t need the Icelandic government coming down on me for calling one of their people gay. They have lava in their cannons, ya know.)

Patrice – Message In A Bottle by The Cops. Oh, Patrice, when you sing it elicits such deep guarded feelings of vulnerability in me. It makes me want to cuddle and smell flowers and feel safe in your arms. See what I mean? And I’m not even trying to get in her band. As much as I like Patrice, she frequently disappoints me. She holds back too much. Belt it out, baby. But, Moist, you may ask, aren’t you supposed to hold back a little in an acoustic performance? How would I know, I’m not a singer. But I do know this, Babs, your uvula needs to come out. She needs to belt it out. Not her uvula, the song. She needs to do this every time. She also transgressed the number one rule of Rock Star: don’t pick a song that is sung by a person with a unique or weird voice. There is no way you can compete with it, unless you mess with the song, which can leave you at risk of being spanked for messing with the song.

Lukas – Hero by Chad Kroeger. And Josey Scott of Saliva (that's like spit that is still in your mouth - they should have named their band Spit That Is Still In Your Mouth). Here’s the problem with Lukas doing acoustic: camera close-ups on his face. It makes me uncomfortable to see his countenance contortions that close. I’m not a big fan of this song, but I think Chad and Josey and the pussycats made a stronger statement with it than Lukas did. Maybe it was because his lava lamp face distracted me. He tried too hard to Lukasate the song. He hit it on some parts, but missed on others. He is such a tease. Suave Porn dug his act. They also liked the nun suit he was wearing.

Storm – I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. I’m not so sure you will, Storm. She needs to stop trying to be what she thinks Suave Porn is looking for and be herself. I don’t think wearing her hair in a bun was such a good idea. That’s something you do when you paint my house, not when you audition for Suave Porn. Her voice sounded good, as usual, but it seemed like she was searching for the last donut at the nude beach. Of course, the most popular guy had it, but she didn’t know who he was. She will survive this blow, but maybe we’ll get to see the real Storm in the bottom three.

Jill - Ballroom Blitz by Sweet. Yet another scream until you impress performance. Jill looked more weather worn tonight, as if she had been drinking for a week straight. The lighting was not as professional looking as usual. Maybe she was making a Ryangst statement. I couldn't even see the band. There was a lot of guys with NASCAR caps and beards in the audience. I didn't know they were into this show. It wasn't until after she finished the song that I realized I was watching her at karoake night at a truck stop on the outskirts of Schenectady instead of on Rock Star. The poor girl. I bought her a danish.

Toby – Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel. This is a very difficult song to perform because of its 7/4 time signature in a sprightly B major. I remember in music appreciation class in college, the teaching assistant asked me to clap on the 2nd and 5th beat of a piece of music. I couldn’t do it, so I ran out screaming and went to happy hour. And stayed there. I never went to that class again. I still got a C. Luckily, clapping was not on the final exam. Toby faired a little better tonight. They scared us in the webisode that he would not be able to “Boom boom boom” to Gibly’s delight. He did. Speaking of Gibly, what’s the big deal with performing with him on this song? You could have had Esteban back there and Toby wouldn’t have known the difference. It’s not like Solsbury Hill is a mega guitar hero song, like The Macarena.

Ryan – In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins. What’s with the Genesis graduates tonight? Next week, all rockers will do Mike and the Mechanics songs. And maybe some GTR. Ryan somnambulated his way to mediocrity tonight. He’s got a bit too much of not enough Dave Matthews in him. Just enough and not too little enough to bug me. It’s like when you’re eating lemon chicken and it tastes like the chef used a lime instead. You know it’s citrus, but you know it’s not lemon, but you eat it anyway so they don’t spit in your food next week. Although, I did think Dave Matthews was good in Because of Winn-Dixie. Can Ryan manage a pet store? Suave Porn and Dave thought he was good. What do they know?

Dilana – Cat’s In the Cradle by Harry Chapin. She rocked it. She has won. Although, we said that about Jordis last year. Well, somebody did. I think it was Dave. Dilana needs to pass the Dream On test, so we can be sure. I guess Lukas still has a shot, but nobody else does.

As you can see, the acoustisode was a waste of my time and the Pope’s. I guess we’ll have to wait an extra day before he declares priests can marry. There is no need to bore us with an entire acoustic set. I blame Marty for bringing out the hollow blue Gibson last year for Mr. Brightside. The INXS thought it was a good idea, so they made everybody do it. Since Suave Porn is limited on original thoughts, they chose to lemming themselves. Enough. If Rock Star: Buster Poindexter chooses the same course next year, I’m done with this show.

The Bird Ass Beans this week were Zayra, Patrice and Storm. My bet is on those crazy Zayra voters to throw her a life preserver. Hopefully, people come to their senses and throw Ryan to the sharks. Patrice is doomed to stay there, get Tommyhawked, move in with me and raise my kids half of the time, so I can be free to rid the world of unused couches.

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Rock Star - Aug 9 Moist Rub

Brooke began this week’s rockercide show by tormenting the rockers with the envelope they fear most. There must have been an anthrax scare in the mansion this week. Maybe Scott Ian stopped by. After telling us about the ten amazing performances last night, she quickly escorted us back to the mansion. Nothing new to report here except for Jill whining about the other rockers not stepping up to take on Gibly for a song. What difference does it make to you, Jill? Just because you grinded your way to diseased repute doesn’t mean everybody has to be that dumb. Storm and Zayra tried to slap some sense into her with words of empathetic you’re-full-of-shitisms, but it only lead to bickering, which Toby seemed to enjoy as visions of catfights danced in his pants. Zayra, in the confessional, paralleled the act of prematurely performing with Suave Porn on a song that’s not optimal to placing the noose around your own neck, which is something she plans to emulate with the mic chord on stage in a few weeks while wearing a Shirley Temple outfit. What? They don’t have a mic chords anymore? Damn radio technology. Explains why Roger Daltrey loses so many microphones lately. Storm boasted that Gibly already knows she can rock with him.

Oh, yeah, Storm? How’s that, confronts Dave. She stammered a little until she brought it down to a language they could understand. No humping, just back breaking pile drivers. They all smiled and nodded like what she said had any relevance or made any sense. Gibly cleared things up by explaining it’s all about chemistry. Then why did you get rid of Phil? Wasn’t he a chem guy? I bet he even knew the chemical formula for a lion. Tlee heard the word “chemistry” and immediately grew bored with that scholarly conversation, so he attacked Ryan for his freak show last night. Ryan defended himself by describing his complexities and nuances as a performer and that they will be slowly revealed in intervallic doses so as to not blow away Suave Porn too much all at once. Gibly smile and nodded and said, “Yeah, well you looked uncomfortable doing it, so knock it off.”

Gibly commended everybody for showing them something new last night. By a rash decision not discussed with the rest of the band or the producers of the show, Gibly awarded all surviving rockers a trip to Vegas. Tlee, not realizing they hadn’t discussed this course of action because he’s always day-wet-dreaming during the production meetings, tried to act like he knew what was going on and gave the stereotypical game show enticement, “But, wait, there’s more…” Since he was working without a net and didn’t really have anything “more” to give, he blurted the first thing that came to his mind, “HOOTERS!” Jason, the record clerk extraordinaire, updated the Rock Star Best Show Ever log with last night’s show and bequeathed two encores.

The first encore, won by a nose, was granted to Lukas. Sid disapproved of Lukas’ lace gloves he wore last night. He wore them again tonight, but I don’t think they’re gloves. What he was wearing was a lace full body sock. I know. I have a few of my own, in different colors so I can dress to my ever-changing moods. Magni received the second encore, which Tlee requested he Magni-fy electric. Magni lost some emotional edge as he tried to overpower the electrical amplification with his voice. It didn’t matter, since it was only an encore. Just a simple, time filling, encore. All of these Magni-isms are going to drive me to drink – drink Milk of Magni-sia.

We need a word for the rockers that spend some time wallowing in the voting bottom three. It takes too long for me to type “the rockers that spent some time wallowing in the voting bottom three”. If I have to type “the rockers that spent some time wallowing in the voting bottom three” every time I want to refer to the rockers that spent time wallowing in the voting bottom three, we are going to run out of disk space on this blog. So, since these rockers that spend some time wallowing in the voting bottom three can be compared to balancing on a tight rope where any wrong move will ensure certain death, I am going to call them the Flying Wallendas. That is much easier to type than the rockers that spent some time wallowing in the voting bottom three. And I don’t feel like deriving any farther than that.

So this week’s rockers that spent some time wallowing in the voting bottom three, er, I mean, the Flying Wallendas were Jill, Josh, Zayra, Ryan and Patrice. Dave recognized most of the faces that were standing in shame. He mentored that they should try harder next time.

Zayra fell for the joke this week. Good job, Zayra campaigners.

Brooke wasn’t joking when she called Jill’s name. She fake smiled her way to the stage, as usual. Gibly demonstrated his ability to count to three. One more and he can take Tlee’s spot behind the skins. Jill poured herself a cup of Jonestown grape Aretha Franklin kool-aid, with Respect. Why this song, Jill? Since rock and roll is based on the blues and she loves this song and is going to rock it. That’s why. Isn’t it obvious? Jill brought her season long plea for undeserved respect to the stage this night. Would Suave Porn give her that respect for which she has been screaming? Speaking of screaming, I recommend Beth Hart’s cd, Screaming for my Supper. Now that chick can scream like an angel. Whereas Jill screams like a horrible screeching caruncle. Please make it stop, daddy. Jill was not in synch with the band. Paul’s harmonica was aggravating. But it did distract me from Jill trying to be, and failing to be, soulful.

Next up was Josh. Bad news for Josh – I’m starting to like his angle. Josh tempted fate with Shooting Star by Bad Company, one of his favorites. One of my favorite Bad Company’s, too. Josh shocked Tlee by choosing to wield his axe again. Tlee had thought that it confined his complexities (of course it didn’t come out that way from Tlee). Josh had some Paul Rodgers in him tonight, with no sign of that nasty Aaron Neville. If Suave Porn was forthright about taking their groove to a new and uncharted direction, they might consider incorporating Josh’s soul rock sound into their band. The dude can sing, and he can rock a little. With some Suave Porn massaging, they could create the freshest sound since The Go-Go’s. I’m gooing over Josh too much. Maybe it’s because of the Jill frame of reference. Nice hat, Josh. Oh, and nice Stevie Wonder head torque. There, I roasted him.

Brooke was a little irritable from the morning sickness, so she made Patrice and Ryan suffer the commercial break before realizing their destiny. Brooke finished puking just in time to announce the last malarocker. She had a partially digested crouton on her chin. It looked cute.

I would like to thank all of those voters out there that responded to my love plea for Patrice. Ryan, the performance artist from hell, was the final fallen Wallenda. You know what? That metaphor doesn’t really apply. They don’t hang in balance with falling potential until they actually get into the bottom three. We’ll have to work on it next week. It was determined that Ryan freaked out too many people with his vaudeville act. No more dancing bears, they demanded. But keep the spinning plate thing. That was fantastic. Ryan decided to buy Suave Porn’s love with Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode. But, don’t worry, Suave Porn, he changed the arrangement and the words are of the moment, whatever that means. Ryan’s performance was constipated. He pushed too hard to emphasize the rock, and didn’t push hard enough to emphasize the passion. That left us with one giant audience ear hemorrhoid. By the end of the song, it pretty much sucked. I hope I’m not being too vague with my feelings about Ryan’s depechenal moding.

Gibly’s sum up went like this. Jill, three times in the bottom three. The voters hate you. Why shouldn’t we? Josh has a great voice, but can it cut through the loud guitars. Didn’t he just do that with his last two performances, not to mention what he did with the Suave Porn song he wrote for the clinic. Ryan has been building momentum but looks like a gooftard on stage. For that, they gave him a Get Out Of The Bottom Three Free card. That left Josh and Jill. And that Josh and Jill left. Both of them. The double whammy fell from the Tommy Hawk (nee Hatchet Man). Josh and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of Suave Porn. Josh fell down and made him frown, and we finally got rid of Jill, too. Wow! Nobody expected the double whammy. And by “nobody”, I mean everybody. Josh’s fate now lies in adult contemporary radio, unless he dares to tread the hard soul Suave Porn feared to tread. I shudder to think of what lies ahead for Jill. I hope it doesn’t lie in my neighborhood.

Rock Star - Aug 9 - Sid

Good look for Burke tonight. Two thumbs up. She started the show by showing us the envelope that the contestants fear most. She had taken a black sharpie and drawn a real scary monster face on the back. Whenever the cameras weren’t on her, Brooke would flip the envelope around and flash the scary monster face at them, striking fear into the rocker den. But while the camera was on her, she simply explained the massive amount of votes that the envelope held. So many that I’m surprised she could hold it up in her condition.

Last night’s performance show was so off the hook, that they decided to recap some of the performances for us this week.

At the post-show rocker picnic, Jill “Bump n’ Grind” Gioia called her mansion mates “nuts” for being afraid to play with Gilby. The thought of planting Jill’s ass in the mansion lawn crossed Storm’s mind, but instead she explained that she has nothing to prove and will pick whatever damn song she likes. Jill accused them all of playing it safe, instead of making poor creative choices like she has. Zayra explained that as an artist is more important to connect with a song and then rode off on her Gibson guitar. Toby and Lukas hid in the bushes hoping that clothes would get ripped off, and soon found themselves naked and exploring homoerotic fantasies. OK, I made that last part up – that’s really just my homoerotic fantasy.

When Suave Porn, or maybe it was Dave, challenged Storm’s statement that Gibly knows she can rock, she simply said she wouldn’t hump him, but would break his friggin’ back. That got my mind off the aforementioned gayness in the bushes and I searched rockstar.msn.com for the link to win a chance to have my back broken by Storm. That’s off the hook.

Gibly then explained it’s all about chemistry this year. Which explains the vendetta against Phil, a chemistry dropout. Perhaps Marty’s brother Stiv_OO should have been in the rocker den this year since he didn’t drop out and could probably help Gibly with the molecular geometry and bonding theories he’s been developing. But I digress.

Tommy advised the gang that whoever didn’t get Tommyhawked at the end of tonight’s show would accompany Suave Porn to Las Vegas. Poor Jill was shown clapping excitedly, and you just kind of knew it wasn’t going to happen for her. I actually felt bad for her for a minute. Then I laughed at her.

Lukas did the encore and added another lace glove to taunt me. I can respect that.

Brooke reminded us to get working on our Window LiveSpaces so that we could win a trip to the finale and drink some milkshakes on the Strip.

Magni got the other encore, but they didn’t allow him his acoustic guitar and looked forward to the “Magni-fied” performance. OK, lay down your money – how long before we hear:

That performance was Magni Cum Laude!

Bottom Three Candidates: Jill, Josh, Zayra, Ryan, Patrice

Jill – Respect: During the performance, Mrs. F’er is inspired to make a Microsoft LiveSpace page dedicated to bringing this bitch down. I was a little bit frightened. I think there were some serious threats from Storm behind the scenes this week, because Jill decided to “save” herself by going back to the screaming and oversinging that Suave Porn oh so enjoys from her, all while she was waving a white flag in surrender. The other nominated rockers looked on with glee, and started packing their carry-ons for the trip to Vegas.


Josh – Shooting Star:

TLee: Put the guitar down and bring the funk and soul, boyfriend!
Josh: You’re scaring me, Tommy. I’m keeping the guitar right here.

Josh never liked Vegas much anyway. Besides, if the doesn’t take advantage of the opportunity to bail this week, he’ll risk missing the start of Burning Man on August 28.

Ryan – Enjoy The Silence: Instead of getting stuck in a pod ala Spinal Tap, Ryan got stuck in his sweatshirt while ripping it off in Ryangst. Then he tripped over it. But those minor miscues weren’t even close to what it would take to miss out on Vegas.

Gibly’s Pre-Hatchet Recap:
Jill, you’ve been in the bottom three for each of the last three weeks, and it’s not because you can’t sing. You mother says she loves you, but she could be jivin’, too.
Josh, you’re a good singer, but you couldn’t rock your way out of a wet paper bag.
Ryan, you’re annoying as hell to watch, but you’re not nearly as big a mess as these other two ass clowns. Go sit down.

The Tommyhawk falls twice this week and sends both our defeated rockers home. Jill even annoys everyone with her suck up, generic goodbye speech thanking them for the chance and all she learned, including all she apparently learned from the fake Mayan studio audience. Josh responds with a simple “that’s crazy, dude” and then repeats his favorite Sesame Street lesson that one of these things is not like the others and he’s cool with that. Suave Porn didn’t seem too upset that either one was leaving, and Tommy withheld the “no losers” speech and didn’t even offer up the free deli platter. That’s harsh.

Toby and Tommy then started pantomiming all the activities they would be doing in Vegas that night – playing craps, drinking some Foster’s Oil Cans, and getting trapped in an invisible box. I have a feeling that Zayra is just going to find a job in Vegas and never be seen again. I’m going to miss her.

Rock Star - Aug 8 Moist Rub

Dave started the show by attempting to clear the air about the rumors regarding the spawning condition of Brooke: “Hey, Brooke, word has it that somebody shot one past your goalie. It wasn’t me, was it?” For those of you thinking it was me, I’ll have you know that I am sterile. I’ve been microwaving the boys every morning for years. So, it wasn't me, and it's not because I didn't do her.

Before the performances, as habit would have it, we delved into the mansion webishow that nary a gathering of gazers are gaping. While Magni reunited and it felt so good with his family, Zayra explained that she dresses for herself on stage. She happens to enjoy the skank, space slut look. It makes her feel like a blossoming flower inside. The fact that it may entice some men who have always wanted to blast off into a Martian is something she has never considered.

Lukas was out back digging in the pool water trying to find some vocal sensitivity. “This is so frustrating,” he moaned, “every time I remove some water, it fills back up with other water. It’s almost as if the water is too fluid to hold it’s own shape.” Dilana was dumbfounded, no, bewildered, no, befuddled, no, all three with some stupefication mixed in, that nobody wanted the duet with Gibly on Won’t Get Fooled Again. The reason for the other’s chicken shitness is clear. There are ten contestants remaining. It’s still “get lost in the crowd” time. The upside of cranking out a tune with a Suave Porn does not out weigh the nega-bedlum that would ensue if xe would tank in front of a Suave Porn. It’s a simple exercise in cost-benefit analysis. Or is it risk assessment? Or is it a Net Present Value calculation? Or is it hiding from a gaggle of balloons? No need to get noticed yet. They won’t remember this performance much in six weeks if you do well, but they’ll remember it tomorrow at hatchet time if you drop ass on it. Dilana received a personal V-Cast message from Gibly telling her he can’t wait to jam with her. How did he know she got that song? That V-Cast must be amazing. You should get one.

Dave was stunned at the Sir Robin behavior of the non-Dilana rockers, and declared Dilana the winner. Gibly wondered if they’d still get paid for the remaining weeks if Dilana became the lead singer today. When they told him no, he told Dave to shut the hell up. So, they made everybody sing again.

Dilana – Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who. Gibly began the intro riff showered in spotlight. He was equipped with a camera on the head of his guitar to make the home audience dizzy from his dazzling fretwork. Dilana oozed from the darkness wearing her Axl-esque head band and white person dreads. Gibly spent most of the time chasing Dilana around the stage trying to pre-emptively grind on her, so he wouldn’t have to face that female grinding degradation again. Those wounds from Jill run pretty deep. She was too quick, using her African bush navigating experience to out wit him. Rock and roll fashion note: Skull hair clips are cool. Dilana didn’t have to work too hard with this song. All she had to do was bask in its energy and try not to screw it up. She added some Dilanedge to it, which was nice, but I think she overdid it with the “heys” and the “yeahs”. Dave claimed it looked like a rock show more than an audition, and declared her the winner, yet again. Gibly jammed his wristband into Dave’s mouth. Tlee wondered if it was good for her, too, which is the first time he’s ever done that. Gibly proclaimed that, after that performance, he has no doubt a woman could front Suave Porn, which would indicate that he did have some doubt prior to that, the chauvinist swine. Jason updated the Rock Star killer moments list. He’s quite an amateur records clerk in his free time.

Jill – Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham. I didn’t realize Jill had been sitting on the stage floor at the beginning of the song until she stood up. Jill conjured the living ghost of Alanis Morissette to help her repine her way through her performance. To further try to fool everyone that she wasn’t really Jill, who everybody hates, she wore some Avril Levigne boots to anchor her footing on the stage. She had me fooled until she unleashed her horrid screams. Yeah, that’s Jill. Not too many screams, but enough to reveal the Jilliness. She made Dave “Ooooo” with her jump into the crowd. Dave admitted that he fears for his life while she sings. Tlee commented that it was her best so far, which means she’s next on the pool table. Jason warned her about keeping the physical/voice karma steady, because she lost some vocal power with some of her on stage athletics. He suggested she train by singing the Star Spangled Banner while doing squat thrusts. Did you know that the Star Spangled Banner was written in Baltimore? I heard that somewhere.

Ryan – Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones. Where’s Ryan? He’s not on the stage. How is he going to sing if we don’t know where he is? This is mystifying. Ryan was lost back stage in Cleveland. With the help of the directions from a maintenance worker, he finally appeared, dressed as a Momenschance reject without the toilet paper roll on his face. He had missed the first verse of the song, so he began at the chorus. Ryan abruptly removed his Mo-hood, and we discovered some prankster had coated the inside of his swimming goggles with charcoal. He fell for that joke, but he wouldn’t roll a quarter down his nose. OK, I’ll admit it. Even with the hokey theatrics, he had good energy, sound, emotion and stage presence. Dave questioned what the hell happen to your face, Ryan. Ryan: what? (He still didn’t know about the goggles, tee hee!). Tlee attributed Ryan’s “dope” performance to him getting laid after last week’s piano concerto. I like the way Tlee unifies each episode from week to week.

Storm – We Are The Champions by Queen. The only time I’ve every thoroughly enjoyed this song was last October when the Chicago White Sox won the World Series. And that was only because I was drunk and hugging other men. Tonight kept that record in tact. It’s not that I hate this song, but Queen has so many other better songs, and this is the only one we ever get to hear. Sure, as Dave stated, this is a good song for Storm to show off her vocal range and power, but it bores me. She did enhance it a little by adding an a cappella interlude. That was refreshing. Then she chose to kneel down and break bread with the audience at the front of the stage to add some togetherness to the vibe (she was still taller than Jill). Tlee was afraid that the Suave Porn comments from last week may have scared her away from the Rock. She kissed his ass by offering to spank it. Good move.

Zayra – All The Young Dudes by David Bowie. By Mott the Hoople. Zayra adopted the Mott the Hoople glam look to portray this song. To spice things up she chose to go with gold body paint instead of wearing an actual outfit. This was good to see, because she’s been pretty bland up until now. Since the houseband always plays on key, Zayra asked Magni to join in and play guitar off key using one of those crazy Icelandic music scales to make her sound in tune, or at least not as out of tune as the band. It worked. As usual, here eccentric execution bemused many and probably irritated many more. But not this gentle blogger. Although this wasn’t her best, it was interesting and entertaining. But it’s still not Suave Porn. Enjoy it while it lasts. Dave suggested she check out opportunities on the planet Pluto. Gibly digs her showwomanship, and mocked her for being flat chested. I’m telling you, between this and that comment to Storm – the dude’s a pig, man. Tlee likes her confidence, but, unadmittedly, fears it. Jason continued to drool on himself.

Josh – Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots. Hold on there, Joshmonigan, Tlee wants to play drums. Josh told him to “get out”. I’m pretty sure he was serious about it. Luckily for Josh, we couldn’t see him peeing in his pants because he wore a guitar swung kinda down low. This also prevented Josh from taking advantage of the added energy sparked by Tlee’s presence to truly rock out. Again, Josh highlighted his rock singing with some Aaron Neville frost, but balanced it with some gritty vocal back combing. Not bad. Dave agreed with me, and added it may not be good enough. Tlee thought Josh froze up the funk by hiding behind the guitar. Gibly disagreed, since he’s been waiting all season for Josh to pee in his pants. Jason warned everybody that they’ll never know who may play with them. Who knows, Yanni may even show up.

Magni – Dolphin’s Cry by Live. It’s hard to tell if a dolphin is crying since they always have a smile on their faces, which are always wet from the water. Except for those beached dolphins who are dried up by the sun, but I’m pretty sure they’re not crying since they’re dead. So, I’m not sure why there was a need for Live to write this song, but they did, so Magni sang it. He took the solo acoustic route. Marty did it first. But, Magni did it well, too, since the sight of his son wearing baggage handler protective headphones inspired him. He was so happy that his son was able to procure employment so he wouldn’t be deported. Magni is an encore candidate this week. He was so intense I thought the vein in the left side of his skull was going to burst into flames. That would have been so rock and roll. Sadly, Magni was not dedicated enough to do it. I’m sure Suave Porn deducted points for it. Everybody loved him and there was much rejoicing.

Patrice – Instant Karma by John Lennon. Patrice is inconsistent. Admittedly, I have a thing for her, but I can also admit that many of her performances leave me flat. Some of them leave me spent, but my mother told me not to talk about that in public. Tonight, she left me flat and with blue balls. At some moments, I felt she was about to blow us out of the water, but she never finished the job like when she assaulted the mic stand to the front of the stage but inadvertently lowered it, forcing her to hunch over to sing into it. To make up for it, she should have hurled the mic stand across the stage afterwards. Like Josh, Patrice chose to pee in her pants and had to wear a guitar to cover it up. I don’t know why these Rockers opt for the guitar. If Suave Porn wanted to hire a singer guitarist, they would call Roy Clarke, who will help them write the Suave Porn big boner guitar book. Sadly, I think she’s destined for the bottom three again. Other people don’t see her like I see her. Dave thought this was an excellent song choice for her, and Patrice kissed his ass accordingly. Gibly didn’t think she deserved to be in the bottom three last week. Do you hear that people? Vote for her. Gibly says so. Do it. Don’t make me have to do it.

Lukas – Creep by Radiohead. More double nap bed head tonight. He’s working hard. Tonight, we were pleased to welcome the sensitive Lukas. He was delicate, tender and sore. I could feel it right through my television set. No, wait, that was the pizza man’s gruff but lovable whiskers. Lukas did deliver some heartfelt heartfeltness tonight. That is, until his spaz out where he employed the malfunctioning robot dance. I’m guessing there were some broken cogs on his joint sprockets. That’s what it looked like to this robot layman. At the end of the song, Lukas winked at us when he sang the lyric, “I don’t belong here” so that we would know that he wasn’t serious about that statement. Tlee thought the song gave him goosebumps until he realized they were due to the body paint melting of Zayra because of the hot lights. Dave queried where was that sensitive Lukas hiding. Lukas admitted that he was hiding beneath the stairs in him pajamas with cigarette burns on his neck. Gibly confessed that he never knows what comes next because of the giant bag of pot he just ate. Jason, Lukas’ mentor, told his young grasshopper that he finally snatched the pebble from his hand.

Toby – Burning Down the House by Talking Heads. This song always reminds me of frat parties in college. I wasn’t invited to them. I would be walking by and this song was always blaring out the windows while hot sorority girls would taunt me with their Greek letters undulating on their asses. Dude. Toby funked it up. He funked it up good. He made me like this song. I’m giving him the encore – even with the megaphone, which I don’t think was necessary, but it didn’t bother me, either. The siren at the end was bodaciously rad. It bothered Dave, until the audience and Jason told Dave to get lost.

My speculation for the Bird Ass Beans was Jill, Patrice and Josh, since I forgot about the slow start those Vote For Zayra campaigners get because they can’t start voting until all of the tequila and banana liqueur is gone. Hence, the Bird Ass Beans were actually Jill, Zayra and Patrice. Josh will eventually replace Zayra. That’s my guess. Pour Patrice will remain in the bottom three because nothing I ever like becomes popular. I remember that Don Rickles sitcom called CPO Sharkey back in the late seventies/early eighties. I liked that, and it was cancelled before the first season was over. By the transitive property of CPO Sharkey, that makes Patrice Don Rickles, ya hockeypuck. Don Rickles can't sing and nobody would vote for him on this show. But I love him.

Rock Star - August 8 - Sid

After the standard introductions, Brooke showed us some of her home movies from the mansion this week.

Magni got to see his family. If that's the best that a top ten rock star can land in Iceland, then I would venture to say that it's more than just geography that makes the place largely uninhabitable. I'm sorry. I'm sure they're very happy.

The ongoing “Who Wants Me?” controversy continued with all the rockers diverting their eyes as if Suave Porn had just asked them to come up to the blackboard and solve for the density of Brooke's breasts. As such, they all got bitch slapped by Dave who wanted to hire Dilanna and end the show so he could get on promoting the new Panic Channel. Instead, Suave Porn put gold stars and giant smiley faces on their notes next to Dilanna's name, but I'm pretty sure the other rockers are going to beat her ass at recess. (Except for Josh and Toby, who admitted to being little girly men in the presence of Suave Porn.)

Dilanna then demonstrated how she learned to rock so hard by showing us her Verizon VCast phone, with little Gilby shouting inspiring messages from the palm of her hand. Anyone can be a Rock Star with Verizon! (I know I just changed carriers, but I might come back if the price is right in case any of my buddies at Verizon are listening.)

Dilanna - Won't Get Fooled Again: The guitar cam gave me that feeling like I was right there at the fake Mayan Theater perched on the head of Gilby's guitar like a cigarette. Dilanna didn't do the signature scream at the beginning. What's next, Twinkies without the delightful cream filling? Twinkies - tantalizing taste buds and filling lunch boxes since 1930. Hey, Interstate Bakeries, how 'bout sending some Hostess love my way? I'm just stalling because I don't want to say this, but despite Suave Porn's assessment I thought this performance was lame and the only redeeming feature of it was the low rise leather pants.

Jill - Mother, Mother: Between the Britney Spears' Dance Party moves and panting like an out of shape aerobics instructor, by the time she jumped into the crowd I was hoping that somebody would just step on her and put her out like a cigarette.

Ryan - Paint It Black: Spinal Tappish is the best way I can describe this. In ancient times, long before the dawn of Suave Porn, a tortured artist from New York… Ryan Star. No one knows who he was or what he was doing.

TLee had a theory that the insanity was due to him getting laid. I'll take it a step further and say it was Zayra and some of her crazy DNA rubbed off on the poor boy. Next week I expect to see him in a catsuit.

Storm - We Are The Champions: Well done. Ain't gonna get her a Grammy, but she'll stick around another week. My favorite part was when Dave told her she did a “great job” and she just had a look on her face that said, “Yeah, I know.” My second favorite part wasn't when she promised to just spank TLee, but to spank the crap out of him, for sure. My third favorite part was that her shirt said “balls” on it. My fourth favorite part was that crease part of the front hip area that you can see when she wears the low risers.

Zayra - All The Young Dudes: I was cracking up on this one because she wore the exact same outfit as the escort that showed up at my hotel room tonight. What are the odds of that happening? Unfortunately, for the first time, I was kind of bored. With Zayra, not the escort. She needs to get some of her crazy back from Ryan.

Josh - Interstate Love Song: Just as Josh was getting ready to plug in, TLee announced “I want to rock with you.” Josh misinterpreted this and launched into a soulful rendition of Michael Jackson's “Rock With You” backed by Tommy's STP drum track. Magic filled the air, Josh successfully bridged the gap between soul and Suave Porn, and they lived happily ever after. I made all that up because I'm still disturbed by TLee's remarks on how he likes to watch Josh move.

Magni - WhenThe Dolphins Cry: I really don't want to like this guy. I thought I would make a mini Peter Garrett joke or the obvious joke about his own kid wearing noise canceling headphones, but I have to admit I thought he rocked tonight. Magni said his family saved his life this week, but I must have missed the clip of him choking on some pickled ram testicles while his wife applied the Heimlich maneuver. Now I feel bad for making fun of him, so I'll give him my endorsement for the encore so I can feel better about myself.

Patrice - Instant Kharma: Her hair rocked more than she did. I liked the messed up pigtailish thing she was throwing down, but the song was more fit for a bunch of hippies from Austin than for the fake Mayan Theater.

Lukas - Creep: Is that a lace glove? Mrs. F'er still maintains that he nailed this one, but I don't like the guy so I'll focus on the lace glove. And the Zayra inspired dance moves in the middle of the song. The Dilanna inspired wink at the camera. And that goddam lace glove. He's also got some paternal thing going on with Jason, and I swore Lukas was going to cry after he finally received the recognition and acceptance he was so desperately seeking. Oh, and nice lace glove.

Toby - Burning Down The House: Toby stepped right off the cover of the Pretenders' self-titled LP tonight, but my favorite part of the performance was watching Storm play air drums in the rocker den. I then decided he was unworthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as the Pretenders, and instead decided that he looked like a guy that just got fired from his job and was on day three of a bender to drown his sorrows. The megaphone, delivered by Zayra, also made it clear that Zayra is slowly talking everybody into believing that “crazy” is the best way to stay on the show, knowing full well that she can kick all their collective asses in a "crazy" competition.

The early bottom three: Jill, Zayra, Patrice
My prediction: No change. Jill, Zayra, Patrice - with Jill finally going home
My wish list: Jill, Dilanna, Lukas - with Tommy Lee going home

Rock Star - Aug 7 - Mansion Show

Recap, blah, blah, blah.

All hail Dana. Drink. Hail Dana, Drink some more.

Patrice thinks she was in the bottom three because she looked too angry. Dilanna said it could be one of a million things. I don’t think she meant it that way, but it cracked me up. Toby smashes cake in Ryan’s pained face in hopes it will cheer him up, but these rockers lack the commitment of the last year’s gang and it never developed into a full blown food fight and subsequent group shower. I think they’re still a little afraid of Zayra in the mansion.

Gilby rode up to the mansion on his bike, not wearing a helmet, thus earning the disdain of Mrs. F’er. By bike, I mean motorcycle, not bicycle, even though that would have been hilarious if Gibly rode up on his Huffy. Sometimes when I meet people and I tell them I went for a ride on my bike they think I’m talking about a motorcycle. Some women even get that look in their eye like they suddenly have a new respect for me until I confess that it’s a bicycle, after which they unwillingly picture me in spandex and tend to slowly back away. But I digress. Gibly congratulated them for making the Top Ten and brought them inside to get their new gifts – brand new Gibson electric guitars.

Today's Gibson electric guitars represent the history as well as the future of the electric guitar. The models whose designs have become classics-the ES-175, ES-335, Flying V, Explorer, Firebird, SGs and Les Pauls-are a testament to Gibson's wide appeal, spanning more than four decades of music styles. Gibson's close relationship with musicians is manifest in endorsement models from King, Atkins and jazz greats Howard Roberts and Herb Ellis, plus new Les Pauls made to the personal specifications of rock stars Jimmy Page and Joe Perry. In 1994, Gibson's Centennial year, the new Nighthawk model won an industry award for design, setting the stage for a second hundred years of Gibson quality and innovation. Hey, Gibson, send us some of those ad dollars, too. Or at least a guitar.

Jill jumped up and down like her name was called on the Price is Right. Zayra looked confused and tried to ride hers.

Gibly also presented the track for which each rocker would have one day to provide the lyrics and melody. Lukas was done writing his song before Gibly even left the mansion. Lukas also gave us his philosophy on songwriting – something along the lines of “don’t overthink it or else it will turn out overthought.” I’m not sure whether I think that’s brilliant or just plain silly. I guess I’ve worked for enough companies with stupid ass slogans that I can almost buy into it. Where did I go so wrong in my life?

Lukas then wanders over to torment Toby, who is writing lyrics about injecting his disease into things. Realizing there’s nothing to worry about there, Lukas decides to go add to Ryan’s torment. Ryan is trying to find the lyrics that will allow Suave Porn to see inside his soul, while Lukas realizes they just need something good enough to get them laid. Storm does her best writing while running, so she hops on the threadmill and comes up with a great song, but can’t read any of her notes since she was running while she wrote them. She thinks the song has something to do with mumbling dogface to the banana patch but is still working it out. Dilanna seems to think that she’s writing lyrics for the next Kelli and Justin beach movie, while Magni keeps his mouth shut and waits for the impending train wreck. Zayra mentions the process could take years and decides to outsource her assignment to the guys in Devo. Lukas goes back to taunt Ryan some more and for once I’m starting to like Lukas.

Next day, Gliby sticks TLee in the sidecar of this bike and Jason in the bitch seat and they head off to the mansion to see what the rockers have done. So here is what pisses me off – they make the rockers go through all the trouble of writing stuff, they record all the stuff, then show us 10 seconds of material. So here is the 10 second recap:

Ryan – Ryan stayed up all night to just end up sounding like Ryan.
Storm – they said she has some nice melodies, but I’m not sure if that isn’t code for something else
Jill – gets accused of oversinging, jury comes back with guilty verdict in five minutes
Toby – I don’t even understand Suave Porn when they’re talking about Toby
Dilanna – gets ripped for her cornball lyrics about a sunshiny day
Lukas – apparently not overthinking anything is the way to Suave Porn’s heart.

The others weren’t shown so I’m not sure how Zayra’s interpretive dance went over.

Song selection – Dilanna finds the songs, brings them outside, and quickly lays claim to Won’t Get Fooled Again featuring Gibly. Nobody argues with her, so she responds by calling them all idiots for not wanting to rock with Gibly. Ryan responds by noting that they’re musicians and not strategists. Somebody remind him that musicians play in the coffeehop at Border’s while strategists sell lots of records and do world tours. I guess he didn’t pick up on the subtle hint from the band that they might be looking for someone that actually wants to perform with them.

Dilanna clearly sees Lukas as a threat and talks him into taking on Creep – thinking that it will make or break him. He takes it and the show closes with him rehearsing the song. While this was going on, Mrs. F’er was focused on some research she was doing for me on post-menopausal osteoporosis and calcitonin, but she did pop her head up when she heard Lukas let that one note in the song rip and she claims he nailed it. I wasn’t so sure, but I’ll trust her since she’s a bigger Radiohead fan than I am. I’ll stick to critiquing Savage Garden covers.

The show ended with another basketball game. I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like our rockers were having their asses handed to them by the house band. I think they let them win just so they wouldn’t change the key on performance night. They'll do that, you know, if you piss them off.

Rock Star - Aug 2 Moist Rub

Brooke must have gotten another zit on her forehead, because she had the combed over bangs curtaining her brow. I told her not to eat so much butter. When we were together, she used to eat it by the stick. Sometimes, she would bury a single kernel of corn in the middle of slab so she could claim she was eating a vegetable. I would tell her that corn is more of a starch than a vegetable. Invariably, she would strike me with a forearm shiver. Good times. I promised I would never tell anybody about the zits she would get on her butt because of the butter. So, I won’t.

Production note: They should modify the intro montage so that each disposed rocker has a red hatchet graphic over xe’s face, or at least a fake gash and dripping blood on their necks. And X’s on their eyes. And maybe a vulture picking at their skulls.

After the recaptivation from last night’s show, we got a glimpse of what went on in the mansion afterwards. Magni derided Lukas for not knowing the lyrics. Lukas professed that he now knows his downside: “I’m a dumbshit.” The first step is admitting it, little Lukas. The next step is covering it up with more make up and stranger hair. He consented that he deserved to be in the bottom three. He almost didn’t seem insincere, either. His problem is that he does not drink enough beer. That’s everybody’s problem. Ryan also said some crap. I wrote it down so I would never forget it. That was about it for the mansion voyeurism. They are not giving us much mansion insight.

Back in real taped time, Dave demanded that Lukas explain himself. You can’t tell by looking at him, but Lukas, as he claimed, is human, and humans like to screw up. If humans didn’t screw up all of the time, we wouldn’t need all of the other humans around to restore the norm. We would progressively need less and less people to make up for the decreasing shortcomings of the others until, ultimately, we would be left with one perfect being – Arnold Schwarzenegger. He does not watch the show. So, Lukas had to screw up to save the show. Lukas’ other mistake was forgetting to comb his hair after his second nap today. Although, Tlee liked Lukas’ hair that way, since he’s used to seeing a lot of people with bed head.

Next, Dave entreated Dana to share her tattoo with the universe. Dana exposed her right hip to show us her treble clef tattoo, freshly drawn with a ballpoint pen. Don’t lick it, Tommy, you’ll smear it! This symbol represents her commitment to her life’s obsession – Benny Goodman. Tlee suggested she tattoo the bass clef on her buttocks to complete the set. Dana, employing the class and sophistication she has acquired from this Rock Star experience, supposed the legitimacy of that suggestion by maintaining that low notes come from down there. She was referring to farts, of course, which was totally inappropriate. A lot of farts are high pitched, especially the ones you try to quell with your butt cheeks, which is something she should have tried doing to suppress that comment. This entire conversation is pointless since they never told us where she would place the alto clef, tenor clef, French clef, soprano clef, percussion clef, baritone clef, subbass clef and mezzosoprano clef tattoos. If those aren’t mapped out appropriately, there is no sense discussing where to put the first two.

Gibly asked Ryan why he didn’t fight to play with Tlee. Ryan said he didn’t want to look any gayer than he already does. Then Dave asked Patrice how it felt to play with Tlee, who Ryan is afraid to look gay with. She wanted to grow eyes in the back of my head, and I know what you did, Oh no no! Straight as an arrow, time to get the hell out. Patrice was up to the challenge of fronting Tlee since she believes that if you can’t pull it off, you shouldn’t be here. Dave agreed, told her she didn’t pull it off, kicked her off the show and made us watch a rerun of Everyone Loves Raymond for the remaining scheduled time. That Brad Garrett is so comical.

Finally, Tlee interrogated Magni about how Suave Porn is supposed to tour if their lead singer wants to raise monkeys in the Congo instead of traveling and banging all kinds of hotties. Magni jokingly thought their plan was to move to Iceland with him, where they can gig in both cities. Good one, Magni.

Before the show, Jason was flustered because he had run out of ideas on how to interact with the rockers in new and exciting ways. Brooke noticed his distress and ran her fingers through his Lovett-do. She instructed him to make the kids raise their hands. The rockers love doing that, and all the people at home enjoy seeing real life rocker arm pits. So, that is what he did when he asked the rockers who thought they deserved the encore. Most were timid, but I think Storm, Dana, Zayra, Ryan (coerced) and possibly Josh eventually conformed to his demand. Suave Porn berated the poor little rockers for their lack of assertiveness. It didn’t matter. Jason egged that it’s their show and they’ll decide who gets the encore no matter who hides their armpits. Jason chooses you, Pikachu, I mean, Ryan.

Before Ryan could enthrall us once again with his captivating interpretation of Losing My Religion (after he convulsed, “Where’s my piano, where’s my piano – the song is called losing my religion, not losing my piano, PEEPOLE! I can’t work like this!!!!! You people all suck, I’m better than all of you!!!!” ) (Gibly thinking, gee, this seems familiar.) Brooke intervened to tell us about the fantastic spaces.live.com where we can create rock star pages of everybody on the show, including her and that Butch producer guy who doesn’t come around anymore (where the hell did he go?), but you can’t put any of her nudey booby pictures out there, so why bother making a page for her. I wasn’t interested until Brooke stated that, with this web site, one could keep Rock Star in one’s life twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. That’s the kind of waste of time I’ve been looking for to enrich my life to the fullest extent. Consequently, I missed Ryan’s ryan-icent encore, but I did make a Matt Hoffer/Duran Duran page. It is fab. I’m trying to get Simon LeBon to autograph my computer screen when I have the page displayed.

Apparently, I have irritated the producers of this show with my Bird Ass Beans derivation of the Early Bottom Three term. They wouldn’t allow Brooke to announce the Bird Ass Beans tonight. It’s not going to work, Mark Burnett. You may have eliminated the Early Bottom Three, but Bird Ass Beans will live forever. I have tattooed it on George Burns’ head. Shoot, he’s dead. All right, I’ll find some other old celebrity that seems to be living forever to tattoo, like the Abe Vigoda potato. Instead, Brooke jumped right to the bottom three temporary and/or permanent denizens. They were: Toby, Jill, Dana, Zayra and Patrice. No Lukas. Suave Porn should have rock’n’rolled the rules and replaced Patrice with Lukas.

Jill walked the plank first. She’s always got that wonderful fake smile on her face, even in the most dire of circumstances. She sang Alone by Heart so that she could display the deep rich tones she had forgotten were in her purse. Suave Porn gave her a standing ovation. They must have been busy working on their space.live.com pages and weren’t listening. She over sang, again. I think Gibly wants her. Just a hunch.

Next, we learned that Toby and Dana skipped out on the House Band rehearsal. Dana, who was the next victim of voter scorn, admitted she went to a spa instead of rehearsal. It wasn’t actually a spa. Ryan and Toby made a mud hole in the backyard and told Dana it was a spa. Of course, she bought their story, got her rubber ducky and lived it up like the queen sow. To save her Rock Star life, she chose to sing House of the Rising Sun by The Animals. Fearing that Suave Porn would think she’s real old, like forty or something, Dana promised to add a modern vibe to this classic song. She began by ordering the audience to get up or have fun or put your hands up or eat something you look famished, something like that. Some of them accommodated. She did seem to take yet another step to the dark side with this performance. She may be able to get there if that is where she really wants to go. But, I don’t think she does want to go there. She may think she does, but she’s too naïve to know. I enjoyed her plea for clemency more than Jill’s.

Toby fell for the joke. Sit down, Toby.

It looks like the Vote For Zayra campaign is starting to get some wheels. Zayra did not make the bottom three this week. Patrice, who used wire nuts to comb her hair tonight, took the Zayra spot. She chose Eternal Life by Jeff Buckley, who drowned in a pool and does not have eternal life, unless you believe in an infinite afterlife, and then I guess he does. So, the direction of omen this song summons can go either way. Nothing special to report here. I think she sat right on top of that omen fence with her performance. She didn’t drown in a pool, so that’s a good thing.

Before Gibly gave his usual summation of the loser rocker self survival attempts, he announced that each remaining rocker will have to write words and melodies for one of their songs. They would have Tlee do it, but he can only think of three words that rhyme with penis. Gibly told Jill she’s made some horrible creative choices, including those shoes, but tonight she saved herself. That left Dana and Patrice. To Dana, he gave compliments on her development, but questioned if the show would last six years for them to realize the fruits of that development. For Patrice, he pondered how bad does somebody have to be if they end up in the bottom three when performing with Tlee. Maybe she should have chosen to sing Drum Solo yesterday.

Tlee, wearing his hood of devil horns, which actually look more like Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer pre-pubescent antler stubs, chopped off Dana’s music career head. Dave addressed the wound with encouraging words of balm. Dana was sincerely appreciative at the opportunity Suave Porn has given her. She commented on all the firsts she has achieved with this experience. I guess Tlee finally got her on the pool table.

Rock Star - Aug 2 - Sid

Have you ever noticed during the intro there’s a shot of Jason walking down the street wearing one those skinny 80’s ties? I never had one of those, but I did have a couple of those knit ones. And nothing says fashion better than a squared off knit tie. It was just off the hook when I used to wear them. I’m glad Brooke reminded me of that new expression I committed to using and then forgot about. Regardless, Brooke introduced the recap of last night’s off the hook performance show. Unlike the producers of this damn show, I’ll spare you the details.

During the weekly Al Roker Den Post-Game Report, Dave wanted to know why people weren’t fighting to perform with Tommy. Ryan said something, but I really wasn’t listening, Patrice said something about wanting eyes on the back of her head so that she could wear two pairs of sunglasses at the same time. Tommy asked Magni how he’s going to like life on the road if he’s being such a wuss-bag about spending a few weeks in Hollywood away from his family. Magni offered to move the band to Iceland, so I did some research. There are only 98,239 women between the ages of 15 and 64 in that country, and the predominant religion is Luthern. It just doesn’t sound like a fruitful place for Suave Porn, thus eliminating Magni from the competition.

They woke up Ryan for the encore, and then forced him to play on one of those toy pianos that Schroeder always used to jam on. That’s what I would have made him do. The ADD medication I stole from one of my interns today made me especially observant tonight and I was getting grossed out by the amount of spit Ryan generated tonight. Apparently, this is not uncommon since I had a friend of a friend who was a Shure microphone rep and told me stories of nasty ass mikes she had to pick up as part of her job. Not the best dinner conversation, but she got me into the Pantera show that night so I excused her. After Ryan was done, we had a moment of silence for Dimebag Darrell before announcing the bottom five. They were, in no particular order of course, Toby, Jill, Dana, Zayra, Patrice, and Will Ferrell. Nobody is really sure how Will Ferrell got in, but he just wanted to tell anyone who hasn’t already heard about his new movie Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

First up, Jill. Jill didn’t want to talk about last night with Suave Porn and turned her back to walk away when Gibly shouted, “Don’t you walk away from us, young lady! You turn around, get back here, and tell us what you’re going to sing.” Gibly has experience talking like that because he has a daughter. She plays guitar y’know. Yeah, it’s a trip.

Jill – Alone: I told Mrs. F’er (who despise Jill more than I) that she would save herself. It was a great vocal, except for a couple minor, minor screeches leftover from the previous night and a lame, lame kick of the mike stand. Unfortunately, she would live to sing another day. Sorry.

Dana – House of the Rising Sun: Dana confessed that she missed band practice because she was at the spa. Jason thought that was so rock n’ roll he wanted to give her the job tonight. That must be how James Hetfield spent his days off. Later, we would learn that Dana got her first tattoo that day as well. I’m having a little trouble reconciling those two events. It’s like going to the free lunch buffet at the titty bar right after leaving Sunday mass. But I digress. I never liked this song and Dana did nothing to change my mind (but I bet Zayra could). My heisted ‘scripts kicked in again and I noted the rugby shirt that Jim in the house band was wearing. This is good, because I have three rugby shirts and was wondering if it was still cool to wear them (while I’m not playing rugby). I have them because the mall I worked at before I moved had an Old Navy, so I used walk through the clearance section on a weekly basis and buy all the stuff that nobody else would wear. A couple years ago it was rugby shirts and I scored 3 for $3.99 a piece.

Zayra was spared from the bottom three, but I still found her remarkably irresistible in her black skirt, titty wrap, PIMP belt buckle and green eyeshadow. Brooke who?

Patrice – Eternal Life: Patrice looked so sad after having let Tlee down I wanted to cry for her. It reminded me of little league one year when I got stuck on a losing team. After getting our asses kicked all summer, I was so defeated that the last thing I wanted to do was put on my uniform and do it all over again. I think that’s how Patrice feels right now. But like a little trooper she turned it up on a Jeff Buckley tune for a bunch of little Abercrombie and Fitch models in the crowd who had no clue who Jeff Buckley was.

Gibly’s Pre-Hatchet Recap:
Jill, you’re a complete idiot, but your voice is decent so you and your fake titties have a seat.
Dana, you were a mess, but now you’re not quite as big a mess.
Patrice, you’re a good singer, but nobody likes you. Even your boyfriend voted for Zayra.

Tommy announced his new witticism – the “Tommyhawk” – but Dana did not look amused. So it was off with her head and she was the next to go.

Jason had forgotten that already he already hired Dana after her rebellious trip to the spa, and re-hired her to lead the band based on her maturity. To me, it just looked like she really didn’t care that much. But there are no losers with Suave Porn and she left the fake Mayan Theater with a deli platter after saying goodbye to her more talented friends in the Al Roker Den.

Gibly mentioned the remaining rockers would each be getting a Suave Porn track, to which they would have to apply their own lyric and melody. Except Zayra, who will be performing an interpretive dance.

Rock Star - August 1 Moist Rub

There are many things to cheer for in life: war heroes’ triumphant return home, magnificent and inspiring speeches, children’s dance recitals, amazing musical performances, death defying feats of stupidity, exciting sporting events, hot chicks walking past a construction site, a well cooked juicy chunk of pig ass. Tonight, the Rock Star audience cheered for a set of drums. They were Tlee’s drums, but drums, not being played, just sitting there, nonetheless. I have never seen that before. I can scratch that off the list of things I want to see before I die. Next on the list is a floating harbinger of Indra. Wait a minute, I’ve seen plenty of those – every time a storm front comes in. I just forgot to cross it off my list. I’m guessing the Animal Muppet doll hanging from the bass drum encouraged most of the cheers, but that one guy with the Ivory Soap t-shirt – he was cheering for the drum set alone. I could tell. He was leering longingly at the wing nut on the high-hat. Have you ever seen a guy mouth a wing nut? I have. I’ve already crossed it off my list.

Brooke finally cleared all the zits from her forehead, so she felt confident enough to wear her hair pulled back on the top. Made me think I could possibly have a crush on Pat Riley someday. Let’s hope not. She talked us down off the mansion recap ledge and cradled us safely into tonight’s performances.

Patrice – Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder. She wants to show Suave Porn that she can rock with them and not just at them when trying to save her life in the bottom three. As we all know, the best way to do that is to fashion your hair into a Mohawk and jump on the drum rise. So that’s what she did. She’s a textbook rocker. She added some Pat Benatar posture into the mix, rather than jumping around like Granny Clampet. This was well received by the band. I would have rather seen the Granny Clampet stomp. Patrice’s voice sounded great, but she didn’t emit enough energy. She tried. I think she’s more comfortable on stage behind a guitar. Dave liked her vocal, but warned all rockers about the danger of performing in front of Tlee, because of his urine dousing habit whenever a mating opportunity presents itself (which is pretty much all of the time as Tlee sees it). Tlee thought it was damn fun to rock with Patrice, but admitted he sinks into his own little world when drumming so didn’t experience much of her performance. I get the same way when writing this blog, which is why my dogs are on fire, the kitchen is filling up with water and my kids are on the roof landing helicopters on a spray painted helipad.

Josh – Santeria by Sublime. Josh didn’t get upset when the House Band started playing at the wrong time. Rather, he stepped up and took blame for himself. What a guy. I am not familiar with this song. Josh seemed like he knew what he was doing with it, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. He sounded good, and he displayed more confidence than in past performances. I have confidence, too. I’m confident that Suave Porn isn’t looking to go in this direction, so we’ll enjoy his voice for a little while longer until the riff raff is cleared. Then we’ll look for him on our favorite light rock radio stations. After Josh took blame for the House Band’s screw up, Dave scolded him, “Nobody cares about that, munchy!” Tlee missed the song since he was sitting on a beach slurping foo foo drinks. Jason encouraged Josh to “keep bringing your thing”. What about the Suave Porn thing, Jason? Don’t you want him to bring that? Isn’t that what you told the axed rockers? How do you spell hippocrit? Hypocrite. No, that’s high-poe-crite. No, that’s how you spell it. Really? Yeah. It looks weird.

Dilana – Can’t Get Enough by Bad Company. Dilana wore the outfit Rob Halford’s been trying to fit into all of these years – ever since he came out of the closet. I hope he didn’t see this episode. He’d be so discouraged. You keep trying, Rob. To enhance her straight ahead, kinda bland, rendition, Dilana chose to wade through the crowd to the Suave Porn perch. Yes, I said “kinda bland”. She was good, as usual, but I didn’t sense the Dilana edge I’ve felt with her other songs. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. Maybe I need to find something else to do with my time, is that what you are saying? Fine, I’ll go back to combing rich people’s back hair. Dilana returned to the stage riding the shoulders of some young buck. It may have been her guitar player from Holland. Dave asked Dilana if those where his pants. No, Dave. They are Rob Halford’s pants. We've already covered that. Stop bringing them up. You’ll make him feel bad. He thought she killed it – the song, not the pants. Tlee thought it was tight, but we aren’t sure to what he was referring, exactly. Gibly always tried to imagine what her ass would look like if she was in front of them. Now he knows.

Toby – Pennyroyal Tea by Nirvana. I was on some web site today reading a mystic medium’s transcription of Kurt Cobain’s thoughts from beyond the grave. Did I dream that? I’m pretty sure I was awake all day. I forgot what she said he said, but it was pretty silly. He was hanging out with one of the apostles and Bo Derek. Toby took his pet mic stand for a walk around stage. When he let it go, it went running back to Sasha, who feeds it more often that does Toby. Speaking of Sasha, what’s with the hood fad? First Dilana, then Tlee and now Sasha? Am I going to have to restructure my wardrobe again. Twice in forty years. Damn. Dave thought Toby’s voice sounded good, but his walk in the crowd, after Dilana’s stroll, was anti-climatic, until he accosted that chick he didn’t know. Dave likes anonymous audience molesting, and why shouldn’t he? Tlee kept saying “Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate, Elo Mate,” until the batteries finally wore out on his microphone. Jason liked the way Toby let the audience in and how he let the sunshine in, the suuuuuuuun shine iiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn.

Zayra – 8675309 Jenny by Tommy Tutone. I know there is a contingent out their voting for Zayra just to keep her on the show to piss everybody off, but I can honestly say that this was my favorite song of the night. On the webified mansion episode, they showed the House Band scoffing at Zayra’s proposed changes as she tried to mold the song into her idiom. Specifically, I liked the rhythm guitar during the verses suggestion she made. They didn’t like that at all. But I did. Zayra donned her eighth grade Leopard Girl Super Hero Halloween costume, complete with cape and ass-kick thigh boots. Her mom had sent it to her in a care package with dried plums and microwave popcorn. The camera kept showing Jason getting off during the song. I couldn’t tell if it was her performance or the outfit. Dave and the Porn were so discombobulated with her act that they had to cut to commercial to regroup. I think this was a planned production scheme to keep us in suspense. You can’t trick me. Dave praised her for changing it up every week. Gibly thought her vocals were off (they’re always off, Gibly, that’s her thing – just like Neil Young), but he wants to keep her around just to see what she’s gonna do, plus they need her presence for the discord drama. Tlee has a mud wrestling pool in his dressing room, which explains his flawless complexion.

Magni – Clocks by Coldplay. Magni air punched the audience to try to fool them into believing this song has any clout. You can tell he purposely played to the audience after being reprimanded for singing solely to his Uncle Hjorter last week. To cover up his frailty on the high notes, he asked the audience to make some noise. This is not a “make some noise” song. To top of this pablum performance, we had to endure the lyric, “Home, where I wanted to be” at the end to remind us that his son is growing up fatherless and has already learned from Uncle Hjorter how to de-blubber a whale. Suave Porn did not agree with me. They loved themselves some Magni. They even fell for the sob story and decided to truck Magni’s family in on a salmon freighter, but they will have to operate the cranes when they reach port before the Honda Ridgeline picks them up.

Jill – Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds. I look forward to the day when I do forget about you. Jill’s idea of rockin’ out is screaming. And grinding. Screaming and grinding may seem like rock and roll to Anne Murray, but I believe Suave Porn knows better. Her bare mid riff and her Austin Powers jog on stage could not distract Suave Porn from realizing that she is nothing more than Cathy Lee Gifford in a smaller package. She is destined for the bar circuit or morning talk TV. Dave wanted to go get a beer. Jill actually inspired Tlee to have a relevant point about the sexiness of the low register in this song, which she trampled with her high pitched yelps. Gibly claimed that Jill over sang the song and that she’s better than that. I don’t think she is.

Ryan – Losing My Religion by R.E.M. Ryan chose to finger the 88’s tonight. This saved us from having to watch him angst ridden himself around the stage. Consequently, he was able to concentrate on his voice and belted out his best go so far this season. He unleashed some unknown vocal power tonight. Unfortunately, I’ve already seen this act when Bush did Glycerine. Dave and Jason loved Ryan’s rendition. It reminded Tlee of a sensitive piano song he has written for Suave Porn. Yes, you all know it is called Lick My Love Pump.

Lukas – Celebrity Skin by Hole. Let me call Nate, the drummer, and ask him how Lukas did tonight, since he's the only one that witnessed his performance. Lukas spent most of the time singing to him. Maybe he felt sorry for him because Nate is always hidden behind the drums at the back of the stage. When Lukas wasn’t serenading Nate, he was walking back and forth on stage like a caged lion on the brink of insanity who doesn’t realize people are watching him. It’s obvious that Lukas doesn’t care about the audience and feels that they are there for him rather than the other way around. Dave roasted him. Gibly spanked him for showing his ass to us all night. Lukas claimed his underwear was too tight and made him uncomfortable with the lyrics, which caused him to sing to Nate. Lukas instantaneously learned not to wear tight underwear. I think jamming him into the bottom three might teach him some more valuable lessons, like maybe humility.

Storm – Changes by David Bowie. Storm was one classy dame tonight. I remember when she came into my office one day, dressed like that, and asked me to find the man that murdered her husband. I called her “doll” and then informed her I was a meter maid and couldn’t help her. She has now showed her softer side, and that’s plenty for me. No need to show us any more. It was nice and dramatic and vulnerable and all that, but it filled my quota. The highlight was when she sang, “Look out you rock and rollers” and looked over to the Al Roker den, where Patrice said, “OK, Storm, will do.” Jason cheered unconsciously. I didn’t know if it was for Storm or Tlee’s drum kit. Dave spooged and Gibly thought it was risky for her to strip down, but she did it great, man.

Dana – Baba O’Riley by The Who. You gotta love that feigned, dirty, determined face of Dana. Oooo, she’s angst ridden, all right. When you want to show the world you are a rocker, it helps if you have a chain attached to your belt loop. Those aren’t allowed in my son’s high school, so you know they are anti-establishment. Good fashion call, Dana. She sounded good, but I’m not buying it. She’s not authentic. It still seems like she’s performing in a high school play. Dave thought she did pretty well. Tlee asked her why she chose that song, since three years ago she was a teenager. Good math is an important skill for drummers. They have to count to four. She said she wanted to do a physical performance. That is why Pete Townsend wrote it – for his Jazzercise video. Gibly commended her for being a rebel, to which she replied that she plans to get a tattoo tomorrow. Tattoos aren’t rebellious anymore, Dana. Everybody has them. My kids even have them. When they were young I had “My dad is a prick” tattooed on the middle of their backs, where they can’t see it. So, when they want to get a tattoo in a few years, I’ll tell them they already have one and quash their insurgence. I really am a prick.

The Bird Ass Beans (accent on the “ass”, as in “bird ASS beans”) were Toby, Zayra and Jill. Looks like the Vote for Zayra campaign got a late start. But, I’m rooting for them. I predict the bottom three will be….I have no idea. Storm, Dilana and Ryan, how’s that? I’m never correct, anyway. I don’t know how people think. If it were up to me, it would be Jill, Lukas and Dana. Jill is going home. The boys in the house will achieve a futile victory. Zayra should get the encore, but it will probably be Ryan because Tlee wants him to do the song again so they can both get laid.