Rock Star - July 12 Moist Rub

How stupid are we? Do you realize what we are watching? I can imagine the network’s response to the part of the pitch for this show that explained the elimination portion of the Rock Star series. Les Moonves: “So, let me get this straight, on the third show of the week, we’ll present the three worst singers, the three that got the least amount of votes, the three that the public obviously doesn’t like, to sing another song, even though the public has told us they don’t like these people by not voting for them, and people will tune in to watch that? What kind of people?” Morons like me, Les, that’s who. It’s like watching a severed head. It looks like it can talk, but it can’t, and you don't want to miss it if it does.

Since we are morons, Brooke had to remind us, yet again, what is at stake – an apprenticeship with Jimbo’s Plumbing and Gutter Repair. Then Brooke asked Tommy, aka Tlee, to sum up his feelings about how the show is going so far. Er, whaaaat? Hi audience. Let’s get rollin’. Those are some deep feelings there, Tlee.

Bathroom break, otherwise known as “Let’s recap last night’s show”. We were privileged to get a peek at the rockers in their natural habitat – the mansion – as they whined about the lashing they took from Suave Porn. After which, each would be given an opportunity to backtrack their bitching and slurp the Suave Porn’s collective ass. Lukas cried that Jason doesn’t know that his vocal wraspiness is fifteen years old and is almost old enough to drive, but he can’t reach the pedals. When confronted, Lukas, dolled up like Liza Minelli, claimed he respects all of their opinions, but only while they’re in the same room. At the mansion, Jill bitched about Dave being harsh with the whip and raged pissness. Back at the studio, after being complimented about her hair, all she could do is talk about soaking up puddles with her box. Chris was soaking things up, too, in the rockers den with a mop since he has no box. But it was a different story back at the crib, where he moped around and flailed and bumped into things. Zayra grumbled enough on stage during the performance show, so they didn’t need to show her griping at home. Gibly confronted her regarding the importance of being familiar with the intended direction of the band, Suave Porn. After rephrasing the question, oh, I don’t know, maybe about a BILLION TIMES, he gave up and she never did answer the question. Instead, she chose to tongue tool for anus. She did share with us that she has 45 records in her collection, and Tlee added that records spin. Toby brought us back to Earth with some, relatively, sane comments about living on a giant island, mate. For that, they gave him the encore, but not before Tlee cleared the air about who was sitting where.

Toby’s performance was the same as the night before. Ahhhh, the night before. Were you telling lies, ahhhhh, the night before. When I held you near, you were so sincere. No, he wasn’t telling lies. I think he’s pretty good, so far. But, he hasn’t done anything yet I would consider Suave Pornish. I ate a Suave Pornish Hen once. It was delicious. Toby likes to rub his belly while he sings. He probably just ate a Suave Pornish Hen, too. Yummy. Celebrity sighting in the audience during the Toby show: a bleached blond Delta Burke. She looks shorter on TV during the 2000’s than she did in the eighties.

Before Toby or anybody else could get too overconfident, Brooke crushed all of our spirits by reminding us that no one is safe (except for everybody not named Jill, Chris and Zayra). They tried fooling us by making Jenny stand up, too. All that did was make Jenny’s feet hurt a little. Nobody bought it. During the tension of wondering who was going to be in the bottom three, we learned that Josh looks like an anemic Billy Crystal.

Jill won the honor of being the first rocker recognized for being hated by the public. After her confidence was boosted by Suave Porn bitch slapping her for contaminating their show with Courtney Love skanktity, she revealed that she would sing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. That fills the show quota for that song, hope a dope. Doing his best Howie Mandell impression, Tlee asked Jill why that song, why, why, why, why, what’s your name, what’s your name, WHAT’S YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME!!!!! (that’s a Howie Mandell bit, for those not in the know). I’m not sure what her explanation was because I was still discombobulated by the Howie Tlee experience.

Jill redeemed herself. But, if I’m Suave Porn, and some drunk people I’ve told think I am, I’d feel comfortable knowing that Jill is versatile enough to sing this type of song well, which taps the well of rock, and also is able to pull out the horrible Courtney, just in case they ever need it – like in a bar fight. During the Jill redemption, the camera flashed to Zayra, who was thinking, “I wish I could sing like that. I wish I could sing at all.” The house band’s back up singing could have been better. They should bring in The Pips to give them a special clinic show. Jill’s mouth is bigger than her whole body.

Zayra, who needs to put a sock in her talking back impulse, volunteered, after being indicted by Brooke, to prove her worth next. We viewed her and Gibly’s prior caterwauling, when Zayra claimed she was in diapers when Suave Porn each achieved their individual fames. Tlee’s ears perked up when he heard this as he schemed to get her into diapers once again. Gibly caressed her with a more tactful roasting approach and then asked her how she planned to change the mind of Minolta. Definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Zayra chose to sing the same song – You Really Got Me by The Kinks. She is one crazy bitch. Crazy like a lemur. She quashed that old crazy adage (doesn’t mean she’s not a crazy bitch, however) by adding more rock to her rendition, and reducing the industrial waft and silliness from the night before. Ahhhhh, the night before. Enough of that. She was seductive and volatile and delivered a product more toward the Suave Porn end of the spectrum. Not quite in the same neighborhood, but a little closer. She better hope she’s still around for the scream clinic, or maybe take the scream out of her vocal repertoire. Horrible. On a personal note, her bangs are too long. I dig those deep brown eyes, and her bangs disturb my view. I’d suggest corralling the bangs into a unicorn forehead ponytail. That’s the look I want to know better.

Jason appreciates how Chris has been handling things, meaning he’s sucked so bad and has been badgered to bits and hasn’t committed suicide yet. That’s the next stepping stone. Chris, the third victim of the public’s indifference, chose to borrow Phil’s song (who just got back from trawling cod and was still wearing his life vest), If You Can Only See by Tonic. He decided to wax acoustic, which Jason described as a “good idea” as he averted his eyes downward, ousting Jason as a fibber. It was not a good idea. If I may quote Red Foreman, the father in That 70’s Show, do you know why bad things keep happening to you, Chris? It’s because you’re a dumb ass. This was Chris’s attempt to show Suave Porn who the real Chris is. And, he may have pulled it off, unfortunately for him. Like Dave said, this was Chris’s best performance. However, unless Suave Porn’s intention is to form an acoustic Tonic tribute band, the real Chris is not fricken huge for Suave Porn. I realized two things during Chris’s death song. One, he has a lisp. I never noticed it before. Buddy Hinton started making fun of him, so Peter cracked Buddy with a left hook. Baby talk, baby talk, it’s a wonder you can walk. On that same note, I couldn’t help fixate on Chris’s lips and tongue on the close shots of his face. Sort of slobbery, like a goat drinking a can of Yoo Hoo. Very Pee-Wee Hermanesque. I also realized that Gibly has to be the poorest of the Suave Porn. How much could a replacement rhythm guitarist of an imploding rock band make? Only about $9.50 an hour, I’m guessing. The temp agency probably took a pretty big chuck of that.

Gibly, the poorest Suave Porn, summarized the show. Jill confused them, Zayra needs to do her homework and she wants Tlee to teach her how to wear diapers, and Chris makes a good effort. That’s what we tell the shitty kids in little league. Good effort, too bad you can’t hit a beach ball thrown underhand by your grandma. Tlee the hatchet man took the spotlight to announce this week’s sacrificial rocker. He wielded his hatchet right at Chris’s neck achieving a direct hit. I don’t think Tlee’s elimination catch phrase is going to work, “You’re the second to go.” If he uses that next week, it won't make any sense, and we’ll all think he’s stupid.

Chris was appreciative for the opportunity Suave Porn gave him. Tommy seemed truly troubled at having to rid the boy. He is very sensitive. He told Chris and the rest of the rockers that there are no losers, you won. Does that mean I get to sing with the band? Not this band, Chris. Jason metaphorized that this cruel event was merely a stepping stone for Chris as he walked away, far away, from the Suave Porn party train. (Production Note: we will cast Tom Hanks to play Jason in the Suave Porn made for television after school movie of the week.) Chris thought it was ironic that his first EP was entitled Stepping Stone. Just like all of the other choices he made on this show, this determination was wrong, too. It was coincidental that his EP title was Stepping Stone. It would have been ironic if the title was Suave Porn Winner.

To end the show, Patrice kissed Chris full on the lips. Damn. I wanted to be Patrice’s first kiss. Now, she’s sullied.