Rock Star - July 18 Moist Rub

So, Billy the Kid and Socrates Johnson are trying to pick up these two chicks in the mall, and Siggy Freud intervenes and wrecks it for them. Wait, sorry, the kids are watching Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. If you think about it, it’s almost like tonight’s Rock Star show, except that Brooke had Jaclyn Smith hair, not eighties mall hair.

After reviewing the clashing of non-stars at the mansion, Tlee provided the obligatory “Mrorww” catfight sound in response to the girlie tangle over songs. Some may think the Egyptian Pyramids, or the Great Wall of China or the rain forests or Mount Rainier or boating expositions are the best things on the planet. They couldn’t be more wrong. According to Tlee, the best thing on the planet is a catfight. It’s hard to argue with him, because he’ll make your brain wilt with his cerebral sewage. Add to that Tlee’s equating being a rock star with fighting, not only will we soon have a lead singer for Suave Porn, we will also have a Nobel Prize for the band, too.

If that’s not drama enough for you, and how could it not be, mix in the possibility of one of the Suave Porn performing with one of the rockers on one of the songs and you’d think we were watching The Thornbirds. But, it’s just a rock show – a wonderful drama rock show.

Patrice – Helter Skelter by The Beatles. With her seductive tone and ambiguous smile, Patrice added a new dimension to this fab four metal tune. And that dimension was, I thought she was more punk than that. Somebody reamed her for smiling during the song, but I thought it provided an element of insanity to the performance, especially when considered with the poppy nuances in her voice as they contradicted the rancorous essence of the song. Tlee, not knowing exactly what Patrice did, claimed he would have done the same thing. Again, I can’t argue with him – not without getting a lobotomy, anyway. Dave thought it was cute and thought she was on dope. Jason felt comfortable sitting on his chair, knowing he’s got a billion dollars in the bank.

Josh – Come As You Are by Nirvana. How many acoustic songs do these numbskull rockers think Suave Porn are going to do? That may have worked for Marty last year with the soulful and sensitive The INXS, but Suave Porn hasn’t lived through the death of their singer, yet (I hope these rockers have read the small print in the contract about purposeful death and dismemberment). So, stay plugged in. Plus, Josh should have been wearing his grandfather’s sweater, like Kurt Cobain did on Unplugged. Nothing is more grunge than old people’s sweaters. Speaking of old people, I thought Josh’s voice sounded good in this song, except for his transitions from his usually soulful bad self to the grunge tones. He missed a few steps on that vocal staircase. Also, I kept expecting an Aaron Neville mole to invade his forehead. Josh succeeded in turning this grunge classic into a drifting dirge. He hasn’t proven he can fit with this band. But there is hope: six months of growing his hair out, and a few giant bags of drugs should get him there. His fans should hope they have that clinic before he gets ousted (that would be good clinic).

Storm – Just What I Needed by The Cars. This was just what I needed to decide that Storm doesn’t know what she’s doing. Or, maybe she does know what she’s doing, but isn’t very good at it. Who told her to use that retarded Lindsey Lohan look when peering into the camera? Or that intense look of dumbness? Or the crinkled “I’m painfully in a state of rock” face? Or the robotic mic stand stroke? I haven’t seen rigidity like that since the cowardly lion was scared by the flying monkey and pissed all over the tinman. She was trying to rock out, but her voice wasn’t letting her, except in a few moments of grit. Hard to believe, but Tlee didn’t have anything interesting to say off the top of his head regarding her performance. We’ll wait until you have something profound to share, Tlee. Dave fell for her act and complimented Storm’s thunderheads. That reminded Tlee what he wanted to say. Errrr, naked. Glad we waited for that. Storm suggested he Google her. Luckily, Tlee doesn’t know what Google is, otherwise he’d get pissed finding out a Google search for her begets no nudies (yes, I tried it and I’m pissed, too – thought I could finally scratch her off my list).

Lukas – Let’s Spend The Night Together by The Rolling Stones. I can’t even remember if he badaba-ba-pa-ed in this song. I meant to pay attention to see how he would conquer his hate for that lyric styling. He was ruing the day Mick ever wrote that. I guess he pulled it off because I didn’t start screaming or anything. I think it was the skunk hair that gave him courage. Anybody else think Paul, the keyboard player, had a little bit of Mrs. Partridge in his posture tonight? Give him a ruffled shirt and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Except for maybe the beard. Besides his habit of turning the lyrics, at times, into a blueberry squishy, I thought he sounded good, as usual. His stage presence looks familiar, but until I can pin it down, I’ll attribute it to him. Oh, wait – Laurie Anderson. No, that’s just his hair. I’ll get it. Dave liked Lukas’s arrogance (unless he’s ever got to be in a band with him). Tlee said Lukas raised the bar again and he was pulling up a barstool. ???????? Don’t ask me, I slept through schizophrenic psychosis in Psychology school. And one more thing, Paul, Mr. House Band leader music know-it-all, Gibly, the Rolling Stones afficianado, liked how Lukas messed with the song, claiming that is how Suave Porn would do it. So shut the hell up.

Jill – Alright Now by Free. Jill has succeeded in inheriting Jessica’s title as Bar Band Chick for this group of rockers – complete with bare midriff. She’s got a powerful voice and can definitely rock out, but not at the level Suave Porn pretends to be. Nothing against Jill, but I was hoping she would trip on the mic stand she kicked over. Sometimes, other people need to make sacrifices for my comedy entertainment needs. It can’t always be my grandmother losing her teeth in her beer glass. Dave was happy with her improving efforts. Tlee declared he was “alright now” (where does he come up with this insight?). Gibly wanted to get behind her in the shower. This is her only chance of making the band.

Ryan – Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival. I’m forming a cover band called Creedence Stillwater Survivor. We’ll do CCR and Survivor songs dressed as the band from Almost Famous. And Kate Hudson will want to have sex with us. I was going to say that Ryan did this song better than Neal did last year, but I’m not sure. I think the House Band hates him, so they cranked up the volume so we couldn’t hear the vocals. They may have done him a favor. Ryan hung on the mic stand like a baby bonobo to his mother’s teat. Tlee crucified him for his lack of stage presence. Not only that, but Tlee did it in a creative manner, asking if Ryan had duct tape on his shoes. He was implying that Ryan’s feet were stuck to the floor. But, if he had duct tape on his shoes, the sticky part would be attached to his shoes, and he’d still be able to move around on the glossy side of the tape. I didn’t bring it up to Tlee, since it was one of his better lines on the show, and if he had said “two sided tape", which would have been more relevant, would not have sounded as comical, and I don’t think they can actually hear me through the television set (not since I got rid of my Mr. Microphone). Gibly also vilified Ryan for being a being a sourpuss on stage and wondered if he could smile. Ryan smiled and we saw why he doesn’t smile. We laughed at Ryan on the way to commercial. As Brooke read the segue, we watched Ryan forcing himself to smile into the camera. However, Brooke’s comments took longer than he thought, so he ended up looking like the oldest kid in a family portrait sitting trying to keep his smile, as it eroded away, while waiting for the younger kids to pose properly. And then he just gave up.

Phil – White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. Step right up for some added drama. When Jason stepped up on stage to play bass, I could have sworn I was watching General Hospital. You can’t make up drama like this. Jason out performed Phil, who, to his credit, seemed to be rock enhanced for this song. In retrospect, I think he was merely trying to not get launched off the stage by Jason’s exuberance. Like Storm, Phil has some trouble with dumb imbuing his facial expressions. I will admit, however, that Phil was able to work the stage effectively with Jason, and his voice tinged The Dickies toward the end of the song (good thing, in my book). Tlee, having exhausted his supply of witticisms, returned to baseness by asking Phil to keep turning his knob. If Phil can rid himself of the floppy arm saunter, he may have an outside chance to stick around.

Dana – It’s My Life by Bon Jovi. People that don’t know how to rock have the misconception that Bon Jovi can actually rock (except for some of Richie Sambora’s guitar work). Relying on her stripper walk, with an added touch of ostrich, to convey her rock currency, Dana proved her worth – back up singer for Bon Jovi. Or good little farm girl turned stripper after being denied the opportunity to front a made up band. Her vocal loom could not stretch her Shaun Cassidy fiber to weave the intensity needed to transform this song into Suave Porn material. On a brighter note, she could probably take at least fifth on American Idol, depending on the year. Tlee reeled off some comments about a damn hot Celine Dion killing harder. Gibly just didn’t see it, man, to which Dana replied, “I kill you Gibly Cluck.” It went better than I expected.

Toby – Run Away Train by Soul Asylum. Toby or not Toby. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to make us suffer the slings and arrows of boring Soul Asylum song, and to take arms against a perch of Suave Porn, and by opposing end your chance to be in the band? To die: or to make us sleep. OK, it wasn’t that bad (I think I modified that Shakespeare to make it sound critical. Nobody knows what the hell Shakespeare was saying, anyway. And if they say they do, they're lying.). The audience looked bored and so did Dave. The best part of the song was the bridge, where Toby added some life to the song. But then he sang over the solo, but nobody yelled at him for it. He and Josh should start a boy band after they get kicked off this show. Unless he can ever prove he’s got the Suave Porn ‘tude. He’s got the voice. Tlee wants a singer that might fall off stage. I don’t think they’ll have that problem with Jason chasing whoever wins with his bass all over the place.

Magni – Flush by Stone Temple Pilots. If you can ignore the Area 51 Martian-eyed sunglasses, which is impossible, you’d have to admit he did well with this song. Dave busted him for lack of stage presence, but, really, what can you do with the moderate tempo of this song? Jumping jacks won’t work – Matt tried them with that Duran Duran song. Maybe some squat thrusts. As excessive as Magni’s sunglasses were, they still could not hide the fact that he looks like a bald Weird Al Yankovic. But, good try. Next time, I’d go with the Ernest Borgnine rubber mask. Tlee punned, Magni-ficent. Gotta give him props on that one. I bet he was saving that one since the first show. Magni would make a good choice for them if they're looking for a front man who can sound good, but stay in the background.

Zayra – Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. I think I have figured out the mystery of Zayra. When she sings (if you want to call it that), you feel like she is out of tune, but amazingly, she resolves the dissonance to an unexpected, but workable place. Not only does this technique give the song an interesting flow, you get sucked into wondering how the song is going to end. It’s like watching a Quentin Tarantino movie. Sure, his style isn’t for everybody, but those that do like it, really like it. And I think I may really like her style (not as much as Sid, mind you). I can’t say as much for her personality. But, I did like her strewn about hair tonight. Her look, and some of her sound/feel, reminded me of a wig-donning Sinead O’Connor, but not as socially conscionable. I think the pope might be safe with Zayra. She’s starting to win over the Suave Porn boys, especially Tlee who gave her the utmost compliment of “Yummy”. But, she won’t be yummy enough to win. Yummy enough to be manhandled and dropped on the curb, maybe.

Jenny – Drive by Incubus. Again, with the acoustic. See the Josh rant above. Jenny’s guitar looked too big for her, consequently reducing her to dorkiform. She made up for it by swinging it way down low so Tlee could see her love mound. Sometimes Jenny looks hot, sometimes not. You can’t depend on that light. Sometimes she can rock, sometimes not. You can’t depend on that sound. Had she plugged in, it may have saved her from the bottom three this week. Gibly hit the tack with the middle of his thumb when he said she’s too Lilith Fair, where they’re looking for Ozzfest. Good thing for Jenny, I hear Sara McLachlan is looking for a new guitar player.

Dilana – Zombie by The Cranberries. I think I love her. And the tambourine solo pounding on the mic hand with out disturbing the vocal and complete with the toss and catch? She’s too fricken huge for our band Suave Porn.

EBT – the dreaded early bottom three. I don’t like to brag, because I’m too tired to make up stuff about myself worthy of being bragged about, but I did predict the early bottom three tonight. THANK YOU!!!! Dana, Jenny and Ryan. Dana can’t rock, Jenny is inconsistent and Ryan is a big ball of stubble, non-smiling, duct tape shoe wearing, loner crud (I took that verbiage directly from my job description at work). Since I’m on a roll, I will predict that this EBT stays the same and Jenny goes home tomorrow. Tlee thinks Dana is hot, so she’s safe (for now). Ryan blows, but they’ve already gotten rid of two guys. They’ll do Jenny a favor and get rid of her in time for the Lilith Fair 10 year reunion tryouts. I'd give the encore to Patrice, but they'll probably give it to Lukas. Dilana should get it, but she's already been there. Also, my prediction of Tlee’s axe phrase: “You are the second second person to go.”