Most of my life I’ve been aware of the affable adage, “March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion”. Or, maybe it’s “March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb”. Then again, it may be “March will eat you like you’re a zebra and then knit a wool sweater for you by the time April gets here”. I could never remember the actual saying because the weather in March where I'm from never lives up to any of these versions. And who the hell is April?
Consequently, each year I am confused when March comes along. At the beginning of the month I wrench my brain trying to figure out if the weather is acting like a lamb or a lion. One day it may seem like a lion, roaring in my face, but then the next day will be calm and baaing like a lamb. "Take an umbrella, it's baaing outside." Is a lion a windy day with temperatures in the fifties, or is it calm, crisp and freezing my ass off day in the twenties? How could it be a lion at all? A lion has never frozen my ass off at the zoo. Nor has it ever comforted me with a warm spring breeze. Are they talking about a schizophrenic lion with shamanistic powers over the weather? Maybe they don’t accept these types of lions in zoos.
What about the lamb? Do lambs make it snow one day and then rain the next? Are they the ones who invented this crazy wintery mix I keep hearing about? How did a lamb get its hooves on the hydrologic cycle handle bars? I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a lamb in a zoo, if you don't count the spray on tattoo stand. Maybe the lion ate it (the lamb, not the stand). The weather in March is so uproariously unstable, by the end of the month I don’t know what the hell is going on. I can’t tell if it’s a lamb or a lion. It could be a casque-headed iguana by then for all I know.
I think lions and lambs have nothing to do with it. They are too busy controlling the stock market (buy in a lion market, sell in a lamb market). The truth is, March comes in like a wet burlap sack of frozen bars of soap, bashing you over the head with false hopes of warmer weather, and it goes out like a milk infested roll of carpet thrown off the back of cement truck into field of half-boiled shoe tongues. A University of Phoenix study proves it, so it has to be true. Please share this new saying, this scientifically proven saying, with your children.