Rock Star - Sept 13 Sid

Remember the XFL… that football league that the WWF tried to market to football fans that didn’t like the big names and attempts at civility that the NFL offered? Well, it got worse ratings than the RS mansion show and the games eventually got relegated to the Home Shopping Network where the league auctioned off equipment and other assets between plays since they wouldn’t be needing it the following year. It appears that Brooke picked up some XFL cheerleader gear after the league folded and shared part of that collection this evening. Which is good since she feigns excitement as well as Pat Summerall preparing for a root canal. (Why do seemingly unrelated results for Lady Bird Johnson show up when you google Pat Summerall? I’d sell your Google shares if that’s the kind of crap they’re going to offer up.)

Seeing as I missed the mansion show, I enjoyed the recap. Here’s what I got out of it – if they pick JD, they will spend countless, captive hours on the tour bus with JD showing his family photo albums. If they choose MiG, they can get a long-term Celine Dion type deal to perform in the Australian and the Filipino versions of Vegas and not have to worry about that international tour crap. Marty will just handle everything if they just give him a set of keys to the jet. And they should only pick Suzie if she’s the best man for the job and not just because they want to see boobies in their dressing room.

Brooke: “Hey, here’s a CD that you should buy. Or not. It probably sucks. I can’t wait for this gig to be up. Anybody want this CD? Here, take it. Woo-woo.”

Suzie:
Interstate Love Song – Not really fair giving her this song unless the envelope included some black tar heroin and a dirty needle. It didn’t and this song didn’t work for me. Stop the running into the crowd. You’re performing and are supposed to stay on the stage and not be flirting with old guys wearing Dockers shirts. If you want to do that, just stop by my office and I’ll set you up. Her stage antics reminded me of that little guy Mario in Donkey Kong. I wanted to compare her to a character in Grand Theft Auto to not show my age, but Sid is too old and the punks at GameStop won’t sell him a copy. I was also distracted by the fact that she looked like she just got off of work slicing gyro meat off the skewers at one of them trendy Brazilian joints. And it also looked like Dave had just eaten there and stuffed his pants so full of lamb chops for after the show that he was unable to fit his Verizon VCast phone in his pocket.
What’s Up – I was coerced into going to see James Taylor at one of those giant outdoor amphitheaters. Not only would it suck, but it would suck worse because we got there way late and were way up top of the lawn section. It could have been Gilbert Gottfried up there and I wouldn’t have known any better. But as luck has it, Mr. Taylor lets all these Greenpeace type organizations set up shop outside his show and I found it far more entertaining taunting the people at the booths as they tried to recruit me. So what’s the point? There’s plenty people that are aware of what’s going on in the world, so please don’t bug me about it while I’m trying to enjoy a rock n’ roll show. And that goes for you, too, Bono. And especially you, Suzie. When she did get around to singing, I decided $12 at the Gypsy Tea Room might be worth it, but no way I’m shelling out $40 for a seat at the American Airlines Center. Oh, and stop collapsing after every goddam song like you just gave birth.

JD:
Pretty Vegas: JD presented the megaphone he decorated during the rockers arts and crafts clinic. If the whole OBINXS thing doesn’t work out, I believe Martha Stewart’s show is starting up soon. However, I have to admit, like Kirk, that the stupid song is somewhat infectious, probably not unlike JD himself. Who was the dork that walked up to the stage and shook his hand during the song? That was very unmanly on the dork’s part, and very un-rocker like for JD to acknowledge him. I hope they both washed their hands.

Money: His intro was inane and confusing. Yes, we all like money, don’t have enough of it, and would like some more. Pink Floyd doesn’t really seem to inspire campfire sing-a-longs unless you’re parents forgot to pack the Prozac, and I’m not sure what the hell he meant by saying he was going to fake it. Once we got past that deconstruction zone, I thought he did a nice job although he failed to make Garry cry. The chick on sax was a nice touch, but they should have gotten Deanna Bogart instead.

Marty:
Trees - I thought he treated this song like he was at a wedding. A wedding where your buddy is about to get married to a royal bitch and you want to scream at him, but you really can’t so you suck it up and behave through the ceremony like a good little soldier. In return, the groom fulfills the promise of free Jack Daniels at the reception where you can drink and plunder to your heart’s content. I thought the performance showed restraint in the beginning and ended with some retro screams. Was very symbolic of his repeat offer to meet them halfway.
More about weddings. Daytime receptions suck. Don’t do it and expect people to fight for their right to party. And you don’t need a battalion of attendants no matter what time you have it. To me, the acoustic version of this song represented a daytime reception and Mr. Navarro was the unneeded attendant. Plug in and put Dave out and you’re back in the Tree business.

Creep – Welcome to VH1 Storytellers. Every song is about a guy or a girl either loving or not being loved by another guy or girl, except for Kill the Poor by the Dead Kennedys, so let’s just get on with it. I was never cool enough to like Radiohead much, except for that one song I can’t think of right now, but I thought it was a good performance. I found it somewhat Cirque du Soleil. After he gets too old to be jumping off drum risers, he might have a career as ringmaster there. I liked the hearty laugh at the end – it looks like he’s enjoying this now and not stressing as much as the others.

MiG:
Paint it Black – I’m not really good at listening to or interpreting lyrics but unless this song is about a gay interior designer throwing a tantrum, I’m not sure MiG captured the true spirit of the song.

Kiss From a Rose – Note to OBINXS: MiG’s your man if you just want to chill out and make the transition to soundtracks. Hey, it worked for Bryan Adams. I found JD’s interpretive dance in the rocker den during this song more entertaining than MiG. Not a good sign.

Early results: Marty, JD, Suzie, MiG

So who goes? Fuck if I know. I was going to say Marty, because I still don’t think he’s roit for their band and they might be more frightened of Marty’s vision than of JD’s antagonism. But I get the impression that JD and Marty have too great a fan base to dismiss them and seem to be the only two with the stage presence to front this band. I don’t think they’ll have the heart to let MiG leave if he makes his first trip to the bottom three. Instinct tells me that they want to have a chick in the finale, but I really don’t think anyone cares. Suzie goes. While Dave’s guitar gently weeps.