Rock Star - Sept 4 - Sid

Something happened last night that put this in perspective for me. I watched part of Beth Hart’s Live at Paradiso DVD and came to the realization that most of what we’ve been watching on RS really blows. Except for Brooke’s wardrobe. And if OBINXS chooses anyone other than Marty, they deserve the impending doom that awaits them. Brooke’s wardrobe speaks for itself, so allow me to explain the rest.

First off, if you’re not familiar with Ms. Hart, you should be. Cancel your pre-order of the RS CD and pick up her DVD or at minimum, one of her CDs. I’ve got all the mp3’s of the RS crap if you need it, so just let me know and I’ll burn you a custom mix and even include a bonus feature of songs featuring bands with the word “meat” in their names. But I digress. Beth Hart has the ability to grab you by the nuts and and make you hope she never lets go. In a musical sense, of course. How many rockers can you say that about? And she doesn’t need Ellie Mae to tell her how to wear her f’in Levis.

I think we’re getting down to seeing people that can front really, really good bar bands. Maybe get an opening gig for Camp Freddy. I had a foot on the Suzie bandwagon and would still like to see her knock out a few songs in a bar, but I don’t think she has the missing ingredient (almond extract) needed to front this band on an international tour. Jordis could put together a successful coffee house tour. I mean that in a good way. MiG needs to get back to his stage career. I’m not sure where JD fits in, except back in his car for now. Marty is the only one that has the attitude, voice and stage presence to potentially front a band on this scale. Because Beth Hart is unavailable.

So we join our rockers after the elimination show where Ty got the boot. Suzie declared that Ty was her best friend in the house, but nobody else really jumped up to volunteer to take his place. Somebody should have volunteered so that she could have avoided that humiliating kick in the crotch. Marty declared Ty a “rock and roll badass”. Hasn’t he been reading my blog? I wanted to give him a humiliating kick in the crotch after that one. Good thing Marty is a rock and roll badass, because his future as a rock critic has been severely compromised. Maybe he just wanted to see if he could get away with saying “ass” on TV. Jordis is so messed up in the head that JD counsels her to turn that frown upside down and keep her feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars and that Brandon didn’t have any shoes and then met a dude without any feet after he got kicked out of the mansion.

Then there was a problem with my local broadcast – instead of the mansion show they cut to a 15 minute commercial for Levi’s and Honda Ridgeline. However, it did appear that the rockers were featured in the spots. JD did a little turn on catwalk, yeah on the catwalk. Then he shook his little touche on the catwalk. Then MiG started acting like that guy you knew in school that liked the Smiths and the Cure just a little too much and you wanted to punch him in the face for it. Next we find out that Jordis is one of those annoying people that hates getting her picture taken so bad that the pictures always turn out like crap but they probably wouldn’t if they’d just shut the hell up and friggin’ smile. She can smile at the TV camera for three minutes straight, but you whip out a Polaroid and she turns into Sean Penn (the actor, not the journalist). Marty validated the work of supermodels everywhere by telling us that it really is hard work. Finally, Suzie.

Suzie: Do I look too sexy?
Famous Celebrity Photog: No.

After the photo shoot, Marty and MiG went to work in the mansion kitchen and whipped up a giant birthday cake for JD. I’m sure something simple from the Hollywood Costco would have sufficed for the five remaining rockers, but it would have been woefully inadequate for the cake fight that JD had planned. I haven’t seen action like that since the Brady Bunch won that contest at the movie studio only because cousin Oliver happened to be along that day. Jinx, my ass. I thought Suzie looked kind of hot covered in cake. I wonder if there are any fetish sites out there featuring chicks covered in cake? If this post comes to an abrupt end, that means I found one.

No luck. I’m kind of surprised. So just like the Bradys, the rockers took a group shower and helped get cake out of each other’s ass cracks. It looked like they were trying to hide from MiG, probably because he pees in the shower, but he found them and joined the festivities. Actually, they probably appreciated the help getting the frosting out of Jordis’ dreads so they could move on to the hot tub. There must have been a wicked game Truth or Dare going on in that hot tub because I swear I saw Suzie drinking champagne off of JD’s foot. At least I hope it was champagne.

Next day, the rockers got their hepatitis shots and hit the song room for their next assignments. The songs they wanted but didn’t get. So, except for Ty, it appears that you can indeed always get what you want. They probably just waited for the black guy to leave before doing the encore episode. The line-up for this week’s performance show:

Mig – Hard to Handle
Marty - Everlong
Jordis – We Are The Champions
Suzie – I Can’t Make You Love Me
JD – Come As You Are

Oh, and by the way, all y’all need to do an original as well. We’re not kidding this time.

The rockers also got to see selected fluff comments from the MSN site. LeperPop or TWoP comments would have been way better, but I think the producers wanted to jack up their confidence so they don’t screw up the next show. Jordis is already in a self-imposed death spiral of declining confidence.

So the preview of this week’s drama:
Can Marty pull off Everlong without reverting to his coveted scream? Yes. Will he make up for it with his original song Trees, showcasing his sensitive Casey nature and his mad conductor side? Yes. Will the walls cave in on Jordis or will house band impresarios help save the day? They will cave in.

Predictions:
Marty continues to roll – on both songs. JD also scores on the daily double. MiG fails to impress on either, but doesn’t make a debacle of either. Same for sweet Suzie McNeil. Jordis rocks the house on WATC, but fails with her original.

If the bottom three format continues, MiG and Marty are safe. Marty because of his performances and fan base. MiG, because who are these people voting for this guy? And it might be time for Saint Jordis to go marching home.

Bonus Download: The Lovehammers recorded a demo of Trees, the original song Marty will be performing on Tuesday's show. If you want to hear it, you can download it here (thanks to Trixie over at Snarkgasm for the link!).