Rock Star - Finale Moist Rub

Tonight’s finale was the most amazing finale I’ve ever seen. It was so amazing, the only word I can think of to describe it is "amazing". Nothing could ever be more amazing than tonight’s amazing finale. The amazing amazingness was amazingly amazing. The word amazing must have been used at least 30 times tonight. I lost count after 10, as I was wearing my socks. I wondered why everybody was using the word amazing so much. Then, we broke for commercial - an Amazing Race commercial. It all became clear to me. This series was created for the specific purpose of promoting the Amazing Race show. Having figured that out, I turned off the TV since it no longer mattered who won - it’s all been a farce, just like Better Off Dead.

Brooke welcomed us wearing an elegant black dress thing (I’m not much into fashion so I don't know what it's called) with her hair done up ala Charlie’s Angels. Not a good look (the hair, not the dress thing) for her, but I put up with it the best I could. Sometimes, at night, when I'm all alone, I know she misses me. She introduced the ex-Rockers in order of disappearance: Dana, Will, Neal, Heather, Daphna, Brandon, Tara, Jessica, Dom Deluise, Deanna, Ty, Jordis and Suzie. My face actually eked a smile when I saw Brandon. I guess I missed the big lug. The ex-Rockers sequestered themselves in the choir den.

After a recap of this summer’s exhibition of the life of a rock star, they set the scene by summarizing the remaining rockers. JD transformed from a string of controversy into a dynamic performer. Marty brought himself from chaos to become a master of intensity. MiG went from a stage performer to a rock star (but not quite, as we’ll learn later). Dave was excited as hell and everything was awesome for him. I think he was hopped up on the goop. He beat Brooke to the raising hand punch and asked the guys who thought he would win. They all raised their hands, but JD was slow on the draw. Dave asked JD why he didn’t do the "rock star thing" and drive his new Civic into the pool. He answered, because rock stars don’t drive Civics. Do you have a Civic, Dave? I don’t think so. Actually, JD’s wit surprised me when he said he needed a place to live if the INXS thing didn’t work out. Nicely done, Jebediah. Since he took care of that, there is no need for me to spoof the living-in-the-car drama. Dave asked Marty about his leaving the mansion experience. Marty equated it with his metamorphosis (Franz Kafka?) and he was ready to move on, since they changed the locks and he was now a giant insect. Then, Dave addressed MiG, "Oh, are you still here? There’s an open seat next to Suzie."

MiG commenced the sing-off with Bohemian Rhapsody. He began with a tender, mournful vocal that reminded me to call my mother (but not until the show was over, and the blog was written, and the dogs were let out. By then it would be too late to call her, so I’ll call her the next time I hear MiG sing. I'm going to miss my Mommy.). MiG has made his own transformation with tonight’s performance. The MiGster extricated Donny Osmond, and replaced him with JIMMY OSMOND! It is truly sad. Not MiG - me. It is sad that I can decipher the essence of Jimmy Osmond from Donny Osmond. As penance, I will refrain from listening to my Shaun Cassidy albums for a whole week. MiG tried his best to rock out. Flailing air guitar wheels while standing back to back with Rafael, prancing resolutely on stage, crooning with death at his heels - he was quite valiant, the poor little rockeroid. To make matters worse, his voice cut out every now and then. I don’t know if it was due to bad mic-manship or if there were technical difficulties with the mic, itself. The bottom line is he couldn’t out-Bohemian-Rhapsody Suzie, and he’s been doing this for a living, and she’s been sent home and then brought back again for the ex-Rocker march of shame, so what does that tell you? I’m sorry to say that at that point, the crayon was back in the box. As a final insult to MiG, Nate didn’t even bother to tune the gong. I was a little bummed they did not conduct the post performance ridicule. I wanted to hear the INXS tell MiG he goofed on his song choice.

JD began his rendition of You Can’t Always Get What You Want with a hypnotizing a capella chant. Eventually, he channeled the spirit of John Cougar Mellonhead to help him with the first verse until he could chunka-chunka his way through the chorus. JD seems a little heavy on his Charlie Chaplin feet. They may want to consider some ballet lessons for him. It worked for Willie Gault. He borrowed some snake arm moves from Marty and then disrespected his stool (which is something he should keep behind closed doors) on his way to a pretty good performance. I finally got the results back from the vocal lab on JD. The quality of his vocal (and, subsequently, the reduction of my irritation) is inversely proportional to the number of instances of that guttural texture he paints onto notes. He limited that tonight, and I would like him to know I appreciate that.

Marty was last to take the oral exam. His thesis was Wish You Were Here. He chose this song to show the INXS that his initial performance of this song was no fluke and this is who he has become. I originally hoped he’d sing Pretty Vegas, but I’m glad he didn’t. He’s too upstanding to stoop to such devilry. Plus, I’m pretty sure he thinks that song blows. Or maybe that’s me. I get us confused, sometimes. During Marty’s performance they showed Jordis smiling like a proud sister. And Garry Beers sunk into deep introspection until he realized he left the water running in his bathtub. Marty wished we were there similarly to the way he sang it the first time. It may have been a little less intense, but that could be due to our familiarity with him and this song. He finished it off with a statuesque pose and threw a few hammer pound outs to his buddies, the ex-Rockers.

Time to get rid of MiG. This is where most of the amazings spewed forth. Tim thanked the final three for their time, effort, talent and the ride they gave him to the show. He portended that each would have a career of amazing caliber. Tim didn’t let the boys dangle very long before he lopped off MiG. JD started making out with MiG until Marty was able to separate them with Nate’s gong. MiG surprised everybody by taking the bad news warmly and respectfully. There were SWAT team members posted back stage and in the audience in the event that MiG lost it and began pelting everyone with rotting sushi he’s been collecting in his pockets from each meal at the mansion. They were unneeded (the SWAT team and the rotting portions of sushi). MiG thanked everyone around the world and he loves everybody. Then he took his seat in the ex-Rocker den, with hugs abound.

Tim announced that the INXS would perform with the final two Rockers, Marty and JD. Hearing that, the House Band rushed out to see if they could get there waiter jobs back. We returned from commercial to see a laser light show with the wistful sounds of Don’t Change brewing in the dark. They wouldn’t let us see who was to sing first. I kept screaming at the TV, TURN ON THE LIGHTS, TURN ON THE LIGHTS, TURN ON THE LIGHTS! To shut me up, my neighbor rode his Harley into my family room and flashed his headlight on me. So, I shot him in the face. Finally, we were allowed to see Marty standing on stage with the INXS. I couldn’t hear the guitar very well, similar to their DVD, Live Baby Live. Tim mustn’t be very confident in his guitar playing or they have a rotten sound guy. Marty was not engrossed in this song. About half way through I knew the INXS was not right for our pal, Marty Casey. It was as if Marty was holding back so the band could keep up with him. Marty executed a suave and reassured conductor move to culminate his final performance as a statement of his personal growth.

JD took the stage next to perform What You Need. JD is more Michael Hutchence than Marty, to be sure. He was much more into the song and into the band than Marty was. He sang the song well, limiting his guttural pitfalls, which, again, I appreciate. It was over.

The INXS had two choices: pick up where they left off with JD as MH, or have some balls and blaze new trails with Marty.

Before the final decision reared itself, Dave chimed in. He declared that this was the best summer of his life. I guess it’s not really that great being a rock star if being on this show is all it takes to top your summer charts. Tim grabbed the microphone from Dave, bonked him on the head with it and got down to business. He told JD that he sings with passion and is an amazing performer. He thinks Marty is adaptable and has become a riveting front person. Having seen many Lovehammers shows, I could have told Tim that Marty was already a riveting front person, but it never came up in any of our conversations. All we ever talked about were Tim's feet. Hmm. However, Marty has become a more versatile front person.

Finally, Tim told JD he was right for their band. JD dropped to the floor and prayed to Allah as Marty backed up to give him the spotlight. That whole Casey family is one class act. Better than the Osmonds. The INXS deemed JD a "rock stah" and toasted him with a shot of Australian Kangaroo Piss Moonshine. After he was done puking, Tim told Marty how impressed they were with him and suggested he opens for the INXS on tour. Marty grinned, "Or vice versa." Dave offered Marty his guitar services and alternating nights with Carmen (Dave’s been having a little trouble keeping up). Marty congratulated JD, stating JD got what he deserved - a soon to be failed tour and album and a one way ticket back to the car.

The brand new INXS congregated on stage, while Marty leaped over to the ex-Rocker den to be with his real friends. The JD imbued INXS performed their new song, Easy Easy, which is a blatant rip off of INXS’s I Need You Tonight, with a little bit of Pretty Vegas mixed into the chorus. If I was the INXS, I’d sue those bastards. They cut to Marty who seemed to be enjoying the tune, with Tara looming in the background wallowing in bitchdom. The crowd didn’t look too enthused with the new single. I wasn’t impressed with it, either, but sometimes it takes me a while to feel a song/album. It took me about a month to get into Bad Religion’s The Gray Race, so I’ll give this song a chance. I’ll even give JD a chance, because I’m not into negative vibes, man. Congrats to ya, Mate JD. And Congrats to Marty and the rest of the Lovehammers and to me, because I didn’t really want Marty to win, knowing that all he needed was the exposure. Marty, if you’re reading this, meet me at the Valley Friday night - I’m sure you'll have nothing better to do.