Rock Star - Sept 13 Moist Rub

Brooke had to work late at the nude barber shop, so she wrapped a razor strap around her waist and grabbed the linen curtains from the bathroom to cover up her gazebos and raced to the studio to make it to the show on time. She is a dedicated woman of the two thousand naughts.

I figured out why JD keeps with him a picture of himself as a five year old (with his baby sister). That is where he is mentally. It is the last time he has felt safe in this world. Don’t worry, JD, the INXS will make it all better. The effects of your rotten parents will torment you no more. Damn parents! All parents should not be allowed to have children. Who do they think they are? The INXS will save you. You will soon be able to rip apart that photograph and liberate yourself. The INXS will be your new parents. They will never break up and leave you fending for yourself. Or they will kick you to the curb, copyright your life and make you a slave. That's the wonderful part of life, nobody ever knows.

Since the INXS used up all of their questions for the Rockers in the Interview Clinic, Dave conducted the chat session tonight. He badgered Marty first, stating that Marty has made it pretty clear that he has control of his bowels. Marty responded by confirming his objective to cross the road halfway, being careful not to trip over the chicken with the dead baby stapled to it. "My aim is true, Elvis Costello," professed Marty. This impressed the young INXS grasshopper greatly, and they stated they have learned very much from Marty, although they have not yet been able to snatch that durned pebble from his hand. They dared not disagree, fearing Marty may eventually kick them out of their own band.

Next, Dave questioned MiG about his fortuity of having never been in the bottom three. Was it a curse or a gift? MiG suggested that it is a strong message from the voting public that Donnie Osmond is still loved and appreciated worldwide. Then, Dave toed the sexism line by asking Suzie why she is a woman. Since Suzie never had a biology class, she glossed over the subject, bringing the conversation back to the middle, affording us all the option to be people instead of chromosomal after effects.

Finally, Dave accused JD of being a big, giant pussy when his mom and sister were around. JD vehemently denied with a brusque, "Uh-uh", to which Dave replied, "You totally did, dude. You pussed out royal." I love my mommy. Kirk wished him good luck.

Dave joined the House Band on one of each of the rockers two songs. Unlike Jeremy, he was actually plugged in.

Suzie - Interstate Love Song. Interesting. During the pre-performance discussion, Suzie didn’t want to talk about gender being a factor, yet that’s all she could talk about in the taped prequel short. So, which is it, Suzie? Do you think the INXS wants to take post-show showers with a woman or not? She has no idea if donning a rod is an INXS singing requirement. No sense worrying about things you can’t control. Just to be sure, she wore a strap-on inside her pants. Suzie sang well, but didn’t have a lot of rock vibe in her voice. It didn’t work for me. Plus, this song is a boring STP song. I would rather have heard her sing Sex Type Thing (surprisingly, they didn’t ask my opinion). To help the song along, Suzie strolled the crowd. Did you see that old fat guy in the plaid shirt? I thought it was a reincarnation of my dad. How the hell did he get in there? They must be hurting for audience members. Dave had a cigarette jammed in the head of his guitar. I can’t believe he did that on national TV. Now, everybody’s gonna be doing it.

Suzie finished with What’s Up, by 4 Non Blondes. This song makes me feel warm and mushy inside and gives me hope for a peaceful and loving society. And then my neighbor tears over my lawn with his Harley, and I come crashing back into an undescribable pit of the nastiest depression you’d ever want to wallow in. This is a good song for her, and she mushified me with it. To ensure my neighbor wouldn’t ruin it for me, I shot him in the face before she started singing. Garry told Suzie she gave a world class performance and said it is too bad she is a woman. Tim commented that the two songs were stylistically contrary and she did a great job making them cohesive and he loved the way she worked the crowd and it is too bad she is a woman.

JD - Pretty Vegas. I pose, JD, what is the purpose of the megaphone? Are you using it to give the listener a sense of detachment those specific lyrics depict? Or are you emphasizing the illusion of solitude and desperation one has when sitting in the bottom of a sewer being dripped on by water too foul to entertain sunlight? Could it possibly be that you are making a statement about the multiple transformations one must go through when searching for something by using the megaphone to alter your voice during different stages of the journey of this song? Or, do you think it sounds cool and Green Day used it, too? I don’t think he knows. If you don’t know why you’re doing something, then you shouldn’t do it. Unless you’re drunk. Dave helped this song progress with some of his licks between verses, although he got in JD’s way one or two times.

JD then performed Money by Pink Floyd. I hope you are all sitting down. For, what I am about to say may stun some of you, causing your knees to buckle, dropping your head right through your glass statue of Betty White. Please, for your safety (as if anybody actually reads this crap), sit down before you read on. I think JD did well with this song. Strewing the big sack of money was a nice touch. (I said "big sack".) Yes, kissing Dave on the cheek during the song does make you gay (but not as much as the cocksucking). I’m going to leave it at that.

Marty - Trees. Unplugged with Dave Navarro. Dave looked a little bored playing this song. Marty should have let him gritch out a solo. What’s with me and solos? I like solos. Get off my back. I agree with Garry that it’s a boon if a song can sustain itself in both the acoustic and the electric worlds. This song does. After seeing two shots of Kirk singing along with the song, I can see why they didn’t give him the lead singing gig, unless they wanted to open up for The Wiggles. I liked this version better than the electric version last week, but not as much as the Lovehammers version.

After Marty's bailiff told Dave he was allowed to sit back down, Marty performed Creep by Radiohead. All I could think about during the beginning of this song is, "Holy shit, Marty’s on the TV!" It just kinda hit me. When I composed myself, I sat back an enjoyed. Marty’s voice has grown so much in the past few months. The vocal coach workouts are paying off. His vocals captivated me with frailty, power, tenderness, pain, desperation, rage, remorse, indifference and just a tad of ennui. My son thought the muted guitar shanks during the verse were cool. Yeah, Beave, they were. If the INXS had asked Marty to sing this 6 weeks ago, I don’t think he would have pulled it off the way he did tonight, and they would have brought out the reamer pole in their critique. Instead, the INXS praised his dynamic set and asked if they could have a sleep over in his mansion room tonight.

MiG - Paint It Black. MiG strategically began the song with a quiet, slow tempo to allow the progression of his arrangement illustrate his transformation from sweet, fluff-ridden, gush-bag to the dark lord of rock. He didn’t quite get there, as he meandered in the dark realms with the lantern partially lit, but I enjoyed it anyway. I’ve heard this song so much, his performance actually reminded me what a cool song it is. And it didn’t help that he skipped a bit on stage. There is no skipping in rock ‘n roll. It’s one of the first things they teach you. MiG’s voice failed him at the end with a misshaped screech, but it didn’t bother me too much. It was like a holding penalty in football. It can be called on every play, but it’s not. Actually, it’s not like that at all.

MiG finished us off with A Kiss From a Rose by Seal. MiG should see if Seal needs a new lead singer. But, what will I do? You can be the tambourine guy, Seal. The INXS enjoyed MiG’s show, as well. Garry Beers was giving MiG the death ray (zzzz zzzz) during his songs so he would end up in the bottom three, but it didn’t work. Garry’s intentions were good, hoping to see MiG sing an INXS tune. Kirk was happy with MiG’s arrangements. Overall, Kirk seemed especially giddy tonight. Maybe he found out that another meaning for "gay" was happy. One nuance - MiG did a quick little flip of the microphone from his left hand to his right. You can’t teach that kind of dexterity. Then, Dave wrecked everything by asking MiG to get naked again.

The early voting told us that Marty’s fans have faster computers than the rest of the Rockers’ fans. JD was next, with Suzie trailing him and MiG sitting content waiting for the voting to start in the far east and Australia. Who will end up in the bottom three? Who will remain as the sole survivor, guaranteed a chance at next week’s finale? Will we have to be tortured with a mortifying fourth presentation of Pretty Vegas? Will Suzie sport a moustache to try to fool the INXS? Will Brooke wear only pieces of electrical tape over her naughties tomorrow? Will that fat old guy in plaid be in the audience again? Who will be sent packing tomorrow? What the hell are we gonna watch when this show is over? Will I finally have time to clean my house and feed the kids? Are they even still alive? What were their names again? Are you sure they’re mine, I thought they’d be taller by now? So many questions will be answered tomorrow.