Rock Star - Sept 14 Moist Rub

Tonight was the final elimination episode. Next week, nobody will be eliminated. One will be crowned the new INXS. The other two will be eliminated.

Standard operating show procedures of late dictate two encores. The popular vote chose Marty. When announced, Marty had to be corralled, just like everybody else who has been chosen to encore first in the two-encore world - you’d think they’d all have it figured out by now - as he started for the stage. To his, and the others’ defense, I know they’re hopped up with adrenaline up there, so it’s understandable. But I still have to roast them for it. It’s my dooty. To no one’s surprise, there was to be another pre-encore. But who would pick the performer? That was our surprise tonight. Sage Dave would show us the way. He recapped: the encore performer picked one week, the INXS picked one week, Dave picked one week, the Bat-puter picked one week and Anson Williams picked one week. Could there possibly be any pickers left? I mean, Anson "Potsie" Williams is pretty much bottom of the barrel. Who could be left? That’s right, the fat old guy in the plaid shirt. And the people around him - the audience! They’ve worked so hard cheering on cue this summer, clapping to the bone. It was a salty revenge. By applause, the crowed chose JD, because the world has not heard Pretty Vegas enough. Are there any other worlds I can go to?

JD subjected his song to the acoustic litmus test. It didn’t pass. With only Rafael and the other guitar guy to support him, JD resorted to crunching his nuts in a waffle iron to dab his performance with moments of castrato. I noticed JD has a little Charlie Chaplin in him on stage. Maybe it’s the duck feet. Sadly, this song may be on the promotional train to hitsville, so this won’t be the last time I’ll have to suffer it. It ain’t pretty after the show. Nor during.

Marty followed JD by extending the audience more influence with the direction of the show. He could sing Trees acoustically or sing it electrifyingly. If they chose electric, he would also sacrifice his blue Gibson cut out geetar. Naturally, the audience chose destruction, and Marty obliged. By "natrually" I mean "no shit". After the taping, Mark Burnett fired the director and hired the audience, since they’ve done such a fine job. And, they work for free. Eventually, Marty did Trees again, and everybody rejoiced. He hugged Brooke and told her it was from me.

I like to people watch. More specifically, I like to see if I can spot rock ‘n rollers driving on the highway. It used to be very difficult. Rockers would drive all different kinds of cars; from high end makes like Ferrari and Lamborghini to refabbed classics like T-Birds and Mustangs and all sorts of rad rides in between. Nowadays, it’s no fun, since all I have to do is look for a Honda Civic to know that a famous rock star is in my midst. Nothing says ROCK AND ROLL like the enigmatic and chic Honda Civic. This is the car the final three Rockers will be given after tonight’s show as a reward. What’s the matter - they could find any deals on some used Vegas? How about a nice family truckster? They could have at least given them each a Ridgeline. The Honda Civic suggests reliability and responsibility, not the hard driving edge we want to feel from our rock heros. If nothing else, they shouldn’t have any car trouble on the way to the gig.

Back at the mansion, the remaining rockers reveled with a rightful repast of beer nuts, brisket and borsht after the performance show. Or maybe it was sushi. Nothing fun happened there. MiG babbled about god knows what. Suzie beat MiG to the punch to request a group hug. Then they all cuddled up on the couch to watch the third season of Laverne and Shirley on dvd.

After some uninformative and banal discussion between the Rockers and the Dave/INXS, we found out that Suzie was the first elimatee. Her INXS challenge was Suicide Blonde. Yeah, the ominous implication in the title is obvious. Say no more. As usual, she gave a solid performance - even sassed it up a bit. Although, I saw glimpses of Joan Rivers in her face at times. Maybe it was her hair do that did it. My therapist will hear about this tomorrow. He won’t like it. I’ve come so far. Garry asked her what this experience has taught her. She replied, "Calculus and some ancient Peruvian customs". Andrew questioned whether Peru has been around long enough to have "ancient" customs, proposing they may merely be "historical". Suzie qualified her statement by claiming relevance to the life of fruit fly. Kirk said, "Why is everybody looking at me?" Suzie also claimed that she now has belief in her talent. And she believes that children are our future. And she believes in Father Christmas.

Next, the INXS threw JD to the lions arming him only with By My Side. He sang it well, except his guttural extensions on some syllables were annoying. If he could learn to rid our lives of that, he might not be so bad. He brought out the waffle iron again at the end of the song. I guess he had one shard of nut that wasn’t crushed yet. JD told us he learned that he was focused on becoming a member of the INXS but that it’s important to play well with others, too. He used the word peripheral. I think it was left on Brooke’s Teleprompter and he said it by mistake. Eddie Vedder sang he can’t find a better man.

Finally, we had some suspense swill to sit in for a moment. Who was the last member of the bottom three, Brooke? She said Marty’s name first, and he fell for it. Silly, rabbit, the bottom three is for MiG. Of course it was MiG. When he realized he was guaranteed a spot in the finale, Marty flipped the bird to everyone, jumped in his brand new Civic, drove off the stage and crashed onto the audience floor. Embarrassed, he slouched in his seat and hid in the car until the end of the show. Either that or he had a brain hemorrhage.

What You Need is what MiG needed to perform. Did you see the microphone flip he did between hands tonight? I referred to it yesterday. He did it a number of times tonight. I do that with my beer bottles while I'm sitting at the bar. MiG and I are cut from the same mold. Except, he got the inside of the mold and I got the outside. MiG seemed like he was pushing too hard to keep up with the funk. That’s how you get hemorrhoids. Don’t ever push too hard. This caused his voice to crack multiple times. The INXS praised him, but I thought he fell short. There was energy in the performance, but the House Band generated it, not MiGgy-Poo. Toward the end of the song, MiG struggled to rip his shirt. I’m sure he intended to rip it straight through, but he couldn’t do it. It reminded me of PeeWee Herman trying to lift the five pound weights over his head in PeeWee’s Big Adventure (everybody I know has a big but). The INXS asked MiG to compare and contrast the Mongolian invasion of China of 1279 with the increased use of weathervanes by Nebraskan farmers in the 1950's. MiG said after faking his way for weeks through trial and error and glazing the voters with putrid sugary man goo, he stopped doubting himself. "What about the Mongolians?" Tim asked him. "What about the Nebraskan farmers?" MiG replied. Quite right, mate. Good on ya.

Drizzle, Drazzle, Drozzle, Drome, Time for this one to come home. They’re talking about you, Suzie. You’re the only one that comes close to resembling Tooter Turtle. Funny, she didn’t cry as much as she did when others bit it. Maybe her tear ducts had dried up from over use. I think she knew it was imminent. Forty times in the bottom three is not a good track record. What could the INXS do? They are too polite to shower with a woman. MiG, JD and Marty weeped at the thought of the exodus of the last remnants of poon-tang in the mansion. I wonder which one of them will get to be the Lucky Pierre in the party train. Suzie was gracious and full of love for everybody. I will miss her. Dave didn’t say anything about him performing with Suzie in the future, but to show her how upset he was, he super glued his hand to the top of his head.