In the Depps of Fandom

Good news! Johnny Depp is in the area filming a movie. I think it’s the sequel to Johnny Dangeously called Johnny Dangerouslier. I’ve never met a veritable cinematic superstar before, so I decided to brave the wilds of northwest Indiana and make my way to Crown Point (about 40 miles away from me for those of you cartographing at home). I was excited to be ON LOCATION, at the Old Lake County Courthouse, with Johnny Depp!

When I got to the set, I was impeded by a sea of starry-eyed, maniacal teeny boppers, throngs of delusional middle-aged women, and a handful of creepy guys such as myself. It took me about an hour to squirm my way to the police barricade at the front of the crowd. Searching for somebody that looked official-like, I saw a guy wearing a hat and playing with the movie clapper board, as if he was trying to squash bugs on his lips with it. Thinking quick, I put my car keys in my hand, jumped the barricade and crawled clandestinely to him. I showed him my hand with the keys and told him I was the replacement key grip. He seemed suspicious, so he made me grab his crotch real hard to test my gription dexterity. I passed the test. He gave me a pass and told me to “git along”.

“Grip your key, sir” I offered to other movie makers as I walked around the set looking for Johnny Depp. Eventually, I found him, drinking a flax seed oil milk fizz, sitting in a pup tent next to a lighting rig. He was alone so I entered his tent. Before I could say anything, he told me that he didn’t have any keys. “That’s OK, Johnny, I was just hoping you’d autograph my chest.”

He didn’t autograph my chest. Nor would he kiss my baby. Nor would he read an old scene of 21 Jump Street with me (where I would play Holly Robinson’s character, Officer Judy Hoffs). Nor would he not have me arrested.

I don’t know what office this joker is running for or why so many people are interested in looking at him while he's trying to do his job (nobody looks at me while I'm working), but I certainly won’t vote for him. As they dragged me off the set with a traffic cone enhancing the end of my digestive system, I looked back and saw Johnny Depp standing there, bowing with his hands together in prayer formation. I didn’t know he was so religious. Had I known, I would have kissed HIS baby.