Rock Star - July 26

Brooke looked nice with the pony tail, but we’re in a spat, so I’m not going to talk about her. She knows why. And if she doesn’t, I’m not going to tell her.

Jordis – Gimme Some Lovin’. No thanks, but I will listen to you sing. She jumped right in by instructing the crowd and then keyed the band with a simple, “Let’s do it.” Nice. She messed up a lyric, but I don’t care. It’s not about staying on the map, you just need to get back to it when you fall off. She did. Dave called her, “man”. I like the way she rolls her eyes. Please sing to me, baby.

Suzie – Superstition. She’s been singing well enough to make me forget about her being a snidy little c. I don’t think the harmonica was necessary (even though the band seemed to like it), and it seemed like she had to jam it in there (how does she walk?). I noticed a little bit of Joe Cocker in her arm movements. Not bad or good, just is. She’s a contender.

Jessica – Because the Night. I thought this song would fit her voice better than the other songs she’s sung. I thought she did well, but I guess the band determined she had pitch problems. I’ll take their word for it, but I did notice a couple of subdued squeaks, which were annoying. She didn’t show much of her belly, but she did touch her boob. That made up for it. She should try to avoid colliding with pigeons before the show, however. Not enough to save her.

MiG – Lola. What’s with the Sergeant Pepper jacket? I liked the arrangement and he did a fine job with it. I have written in my notes, “what?” and “cool”, but I don’t know what that means. If anybody knows what I was referring to, please let me know. His strip tease didn’t do anything for me. He’s really come around. I like him.

Brandon – Tempted. He needs to just shut up and sing. Quit talking at us before the song starts. The verses weren’t too bad, but he mangled the chorus. Maybe he should clear out his nose before he goes on stage. Maybe pull out a nose hair. That’ll make him sneeze and he won’t sound like he’s wearing a clothes pin on his schnoz. He doesn’t seem real up there. It all seems like an act, like he’s pretending to be a rock star.

Ty – Everybody Hurts. I never knew you could comb a Mohawk. It reminded me of when Bart Simpson combs his hair for church. His voice sounded great. I don’t know if it’s because of preconception or not, but he still seems “Broadway” to me, which isn’t bad, but is not INXS.

Heather – If It Makes You Happy. No, it didn’t. Her voice was wobbly in the slow parts. She looked apprehensive and uncomfortable. She shouldn’t blame her inadequate performance on her being sick. There is no ailing in rock and roll. So, what? She can’t sing Sheryl Crow. Sheryl Crow can’t even sing Sheryl Crow. If I were her, I would have asked the band how many Sheryl Crow songs they do in their show. None. Too bad, I was rooting for her. She needs to stick to cool songs. She sings cool songs cool. I think she’ll survive this blow.

JD – We Are the Champions. This is not my favorite Queen song. They should have made him sing Liar from their first album. He would have got crushed even more. At the beginning of the song, he sounded like Iggy Pop on ludes (more ludes than usual). Then he got distracted by the guitar. And then it got bad. He knew he was floundering and he didn’t know what to do, so he just started jumping at the end. I think Navarro made a good move by directing our attention to the house band when JD was making out with his sister. What was that? Do you think any of the other “rockers” believed him when he said (referring to them) “We are all the champions”? I think Brandon did, but that’s about it. I’m telling ya, he’s an 8 year old boy up there.

Deanna – Give a Little Bit. Please stop pointing. Her voice is not sweet enough for this song. She needs to belt shit out, and she knows it. I don’t know why she picked that song. The band told her to trust her voice. I don’t know what that means. She has established herself firmly in the middle. They showed Marty a lot at the end of her performance. I wonder if there is something going on there. I know they run together, but don’t talk. “…for a different kind of girl, who knows the feelings, but never the words, in this real life documentary.” (actual INXS lyrics) Coincidence? I hardly think so. I hardly think anything.

Daphna – Rock the Casbah. Even with the long dress, I could still see the hemorrhoidal ostrich walk. They roasted her. I don’t think she did that bad. Her voice sounds cool. Not a good song for her. Congratulations, Andrew – you saw the Clash twice. What do you want, a cookie? Joe Strummer is dead now, did you want her to go sing for them? The band's response to her may cause the general idiots not to vote for her. I’d keep her in, for now.

Marty caressed Tara’s leg before her performance. He’s a dog. Ruff, ruff.

Tara – Suffragette City. Same old stuff. She sounded good (although lounge singerish), but she can’t move on stage. She needs to go try out for Lawrence Welk. Nice bra. I was wearing the same one when watching the show. It’s very comfortable. Bring back the bangs. Dave was right, she sang it too cute. (Wow, Dave did two good things this week – that’s a record!)

Marty – Lithium. INXS should be trying out for him. I may be biased, but there is no other contestant I would want to see perform instead of Marty (although Jordis is up there, but I don’t like that she smokes. It blew my whole image of her.) He whaled on it, as expected. INXS made a comment on how well he seems to be part of the band. I re-watched the video, and he pretty much ignored the band, so I’m not sure what they were talking about. Maybe they meant musically. I wouldn’t know. Just because I have a guitar, doesn’t mean I’m lying. Marty tried giving Dave a compliment, but Dave took it the wrong way and tried roasting Marty’s performance. I think it’s because Dave doesn’t know what the word “affinity” means, so he took it as an insult. But then Garry Beers chimed in to tell Dave to shut the hell up and let Marty know he did well. Garry Beers is my favorite INXS dude. Beers.

Bottom three should be Brandon, Jessica and JD, but it’ll probably be Brandon, Jessica and Heather. Jessica will be ousted.

MiG, Jordis, Suzy and Marty had the best performances.