Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Rock Star - July 27

Well, well, well, bloody hell, what a snaggle-toothed twist that crafty verteran band threw at us tonight. Why this didn't lead the 10 o'clock news is beyond me.

Before I get into the show, I would like to tell everyone that Brooke said some awful hurtful things to me on tonight's episode, which have wounded me deeply. I think it may be over between us.

I think Dave got yelled at by the show bosses or by INXS for dissin' Marty. Either that or he just felt like a jag off, after telling him he sucked, having to inform Marty he did so awesome yesterday that he is asked to do an encore. So he made peace. That was the adult thing to do, albeit, not very rock 'n roll. Plus, I believe Marty was about to throw down some pile drivers on his midget ass. As for the encore, Marty rocked out, but looked tentative having to do it. What was up? Is it just Marty being humble or is something else going on? Or is it genius editing? Maybe he had a boner and didn't want to get up right away. This is what I think is the deal with Marty. I think he really doesn't care if he wins or not. That's a powerful advantage for him, if that's the case.

Wasn't it chilling how Brooke created so much drama prior to reading off the names of the three low-vote hacks? "Let's get real for a minute" - then an agonizing suspenseful pause (more of a delay, as if she was actually counting to herself, "one-one thousand, two-one thousand, etc. or stamping her hoof, because the director told her to wait 5 seconds before moving forward.) And then, "Raise your hands, who thinks they'll be one of the three?"(or something like that). Whomever raised their hands should have been immediately kicked off the show for being a piss-wet mattress. I didn't catch who raised their hands, but I know Marty didn't. Brooke's not a very good host. I can say that now that we've broken up. Although, she still has some of my cd's. Like I'll ever see those again.

This week's pathetic triumvirate were Jessica, Daphna and Heather. Daphna's inclusion surprised me at first, but in retrospect, she probably belonged there because of her Casbah lashing, although I dig her voice. Should have been JD, instead, but they need him around to cause trouble, and there are a lot of JDidiots out there voting for him(judging from the message boards I've perused).

Daphna - What You Need. Like I said, I dig her voice - kinda gritty and saucy, but she was weak on the low notes and couldn't achieve full force during the belting parts. I felt her performance was marginal, and I figured she was in need of a collapse on somebody else's part to be safe. She did spice up her ambulation on stage. I'll give her that much.

Heather - By My Side. She can't do the slow songs. She needs to sing rockin' tunes to optimize the crankitude of her voice. Consequently, she tanked. I had an epiphany during her song. She is the female version of Napoleon Dynamite, except she can't dance. INXS, being much more shrewd than I am in the entertainment industry, probably noticed this the first day. If you haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, I reccommend it. However, you should watch it with a twelve year old to realize it's full potential as a cinematic hilarity.

Jessica - Elagantly Wasted. Not one of my favorite INXS songs, but I can honestly say I enjoyed her performance of it. I think we found a song for her. Maybe her voice characteristics are similar enough to Michael Hutchence's voice to enable her to succeed as the new lead singer. Then again, maybe not. I don't really know what I'm talking about. However, she seemed to have some difficulty with the low notes. If she makes the band, maybe they'll buy her some testicles to help her out. That would be a nice "welcome to the band" gift. I think Black Sabbath did the same for Ronnie James Dio. To help matters, she resorted to her tried and tested strategy of exposing her tummy. It couldn't hurt. It was evident that she would live to belly us another week. Elagantly Wasted has a cool bass line. Nice going, Garry Beers.

The decision came down to choosing between Daphna and Heather. Based on their performances, I would have launched Heather, but I like her voice better than Daphna. I was torn like an ill-fated rubber. It didn't matter, because the band decided pull out the double bladed battle axe and slay both of them. It was a SHOCKER! Just what the show needed to create that Hollywood buzz. It's all we've been talking about tonight, here at the Vanity Fair post-show party. I wasn't aware they could change the rules on the fly like that. Maybe they can change the rules some more and kick off singers who didn't get voted into the elimination round. Say, strictly for example, JD.

The people on the show, except for INXS (I think they're getting tired of this whole thing, which is why they expedited the elimination process), were aghast. Dave seemed genuinely sad when speaking about it - the poor little rocker. All the girl singers, including Brandon and Ty, were crying. Note to Suzy: crying is not your best look. You may want to invest in a large handkerchief to cover up when the weepies come a callin'. Nobody needs to see that.

Daphna is going to work hard to support her mom - I guess Dad's 401K was blown at the track. Heather is taking her git fiddles and hittin' the road in a Winnebago, just like Jack Nicholson did in About Schmidt. Well, maybe not exactly. If she stops in Chicago, I'll check her out. I doubt that she'll be singing any Sheryl Crow or INXS songs. Fine by me - stick to the classic rock stuff, baby.


Sid F'er said...

Good update. I think I can stop watching the show now and just write my reviews based on your comments from here out.

gb said...

Pronunciation help needed for JDidiots.

Jay-diddiots, or

If this is open for voting, I choose the former.

LA Ray said...

I missed the show, but Moist's review says it all.

To quote someone here at work "I'm so glad ugly red head chic got the boot"

Mack the Fork said...

I second Jay-diddiots

Moist Rub said...

I say Jay-diddiots, but I don't want to tell you what to do.