Rock Star - Aug 7 - Mansion Show

Recap, blah, blah, blah.

All hail Dana. Drink. Hail Dana, Drink some more.

Patrice thinks she was in the bottom three because she looked too angry. Dilanna said it could be one of a million things. I don’t think she meant it that way, but it cracked me up. Toby smashes cake in Ryan’s pained face in hopes it will cheer him up, but these rockers lack the commitment of the last year’s gang and it never developed into a full blown food fight and subsequent group shower. I think they’re still a little afraid of Zayra in the mansion.

Gilby rode up to the mansion on his bike, not wearing a helmet, thus earning the disdain of Mrs. F’er. By bike, I mean motorcycle, not bicycle, even though that would have been hilarious if Gibly rode up on his Huffy. Sometimes when I meet people and I tell them I went for a ride on my bike they think I’m talking about a motorcycle. Some women even get that look in their eye like they suddenly have a new respect for me until I confess that it’s a bicycle, after which they unwillingly picture me in spandex and tend to slowly back away. But I digress. Gibly congratulated them for making the Top Ten and brought them inside to get their new gifts – brand new Gibson electric guitars.

Today's Gibson electric guitars represent the history as well as the future of the electric guitar. The models whose designs have become classics-the ES-175, ES-335, Flying V, Explorer, Firebird, SGs and Les Pauls-are a testament to Gibson's wide appeal, spanning more than four decades of music styles. Gibson's close relationship with musicians is manifest in endorsement models from King, Atkins and jazz greats Howard Roberts and Herb Ellis, plus new Les Pauls made to the personal specifications of rock stars Jimmy Page and Joe Perry. In 1994, Gibson's Centennial year, the new Nighthawk model won an industry award for design, setting the stage for a second hundred years of Gibson quality and innovation. Hey, Gibson, send us some of those ad dollars, too. Or at least a guitar.

Jill jumped up and down like her name was called on the Price is Right. Zayra looked confused and tried to ride hers.

Gibly also presented the track for which each rocker would have one day to provide the lyrics and melody. Lukas was done writing his song before Gibly even left the mansion. Lukas also gave us his philosophy on songwriting – something along the lines of “don’t overthink it or else it will turn out overthought.” I’m not sure whether I think that’s brilliant or just plain silly. I guess I’ve worked for enough companies with stupid ass slogans that I can almost buy into it. Where did I go so wrong in my life?

Lukas then wanders over to torment Toby, who is writing lyrics about injecting his disease into things. Realizing there’s nothing to worry about there, Lukas decides to go add to Ryan’s torment. Ryan is trying to find the lyrics that will allow Suave Porn to see inside his soul, while Lukas realizes they just need something good enough to get them laid. Storm does her best writing while running, so she hops on the threadmill and comes up with a great song, but can’t read any of her notes since she was running while she wrote them. She thinks the song has something to do with mumbling dogface to the banana patch but is still working it out. Dilanna seems to think that she’s writing lyrics for the next Kelli and Justin beach movie, while Magni keeps his mouth shut and waits for the impending train wreck. Zayra mentions the process could take years and decides to outsource her assignment to the guys in Devo. Lukas goes back to taunt Ryan some more and for once I’m starting to like Lukas.

Next day, Gliby sticks TLee in the sidecar of this bike and Jason in the bitch seat and they head off to the mansion to see what the rockers have done. So here is what pisses me off – they make the rockers go through all the trouble of writing stuff, they record all the stuff, then show us 10 seconds of material. So here is the 10 second recap:

Ryan – Ryan stayed up all night to just end up sounding like Ryan.
Storm – they said she has some nice melodies, but I’m not sure if that isn’t code for something else
Jill – gets accused of oversinging, jury comes back with guilty verdict in five minutes
Toby – I don’t even understand Suave Porn when they’re talking about Toby
Dilanna – gets ripped for her cornball lyrics about a sunshiny day
Lukas – apparently not overthinking anything is the way to Suave Porn’s heart.

The others weren’t shown so I’m not sure how Zayra’s interpretive dance went over.

Song selection – Dilanna finds the songs, brings them outside, and quickly lays claim to Won’t Get Fooled Again featuring Gibly. Nobody argues with her, so she responds by calling them all idiots for not wanting to rock with Gibly. Ryan responds by noting that they’re musicians and not strategists. Somebody remind him that musicians play in the coffeehop at Border’s while strategists sell lots of records and do world tours. I guess he didn’t pick up on the subtle hint from the band that they might be looking for someone that actually wants to perform with them.

Dilanna clearly sees Lukas as a threat and talks him into taking on Creep – thinking that it will make or break him. He takes it and the show closes with him rehearsing the song. While this was going on, Mrs. F’er was focused on some research she was doing for me on post-menopausal osteoporosis and calcitonin, but she did pop her head up when she heard Lukas let that one note in the song rip and she claims he nailed it. I wasn’t so sure, but I’ll trust her since she’s a bigger Radiohead fan than I am. I’ll stick to critiquing Savage Garden covers.

The show ended with another basketball game. I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like our rockers were having their asses handed to them by the house band. I think they let them win just so they wouldn’t change the key on performance night. They'll do that, you know, if you piss them off.