Rock Star - Aug 16 Moist Rub

As you may know, I attended this week’s taping in LA with Sid and StivOO_ (famed singer of Leprosy and Marty’s favorite brother). I learned two valuable lessons.

I learned the first lesson when I approached Brooke to talk about the issues we’ve been having. Get this. She acted like she had no idea who I was. She looked terrified, to tell you the truth. I guess the cold shoulder I’ve been giving her has sentenced her to a life dementia. The poor girl. Right as I was about to give her a supportive hug, out of nowhere, two horrible, behemoth men jumped out of the shadows and beat the piss out of me. What the hell was that all about? Can’t two people have a moment alone in the middle of the taping of world wide television program? I don’t care what anybody says, there is no romance left in Hollywood. They dragged my flailing body to the back of the studio and duct taped me to a chair, which was a nice thing to do, as I was able to watch the rest of the show through blood-soaked eyes. I mean, they could have made me sit in the hallway with Bob Barker. I’m never going to treat a woman like that again. Do all women have bouncers lurking in the shadows? You ladies are mean.

The other lesson, the more important lesson, is that I’m done with this show. I mean, I will continue watching it and commenting because of Marty, Suzie, MiG and Jordis - for their performances, but, I’m mentally detached. Let me jump ahead to JD’s performance of As Tears Go By. It was passively ostentatious and mawkish and dripped of feigned sensitivity. But that was not the problem. I expected that to happen. During the taping, the INXS explored further the issues JD had with the song. To defend himself, JD insinuated that the House Band or the string section, or both was off, and that something had changed (pointing behind him) from rehearsal. And he bitched about not being able to find the proper distance to sing away from the microphone. None of this made it to the final cut on television, in an attempt to save JD from himself so he can remain on the show as a dissident prick, which is something, evidently, the American public enjoys. I guess the producers thought these comments were too damning on his character. This was just another reminder to me why I’ve never watched a reality show. They are not real, and I don’t feel like being dip-shitted by some Hollywood production team. For me, this show does not need the manipulated drama of JD, or their first attempt of pseudo-drama with Suzie’s comments about Marty’s impending throat-ectomy, which I fell for (it was an innocuous comment between two people who didn’t know each other, searching for something to talk about). What’s wrong with everybody getting along and sharing their talents with each other? The real drama is on the stage and in the challenges each performer has within him/herself with each song they choose or are given. How about a feel good reality show? How about just an ass-kicking rock show? Yes, I know, the dregs wouldn’t watch it.

Jordis: Knocking On Heaven’s Door. She messed with the melody of the chorus. I didn’t mind. It’s not one of my favorite songs, so I didn’t care. But, her voice was outstanding. She received quite an ovation from the crowd and the INXS and the Dave Navarro. They cut her band feedback portion to a nub. I liked it live better than television version. Similar to when you videotape yourself having sex. The actual act of doing it always seems more intense than watching it later. I wonder why that is.

Jessica: Torn. Her voice sounded more full than it was in her other songs, except for Elegantly Wasted, which was her best go. She did squeak a little, which somebody in the INXS commented about (edited out), but for me, the squeaks were bearable in this song. Her butt looked chunky in that brown skirt. She should pick something that doesn’t hug her ass cheeks so much, like a thong. I wouldn’t vote her to the bottom three, based on this performance, but she probably will be.

Ty: Maggie Mae. I don’t care what Sid says, but I liked the way Ty interpreted this song. His voice was powerful and he had me believing that he had actually nailed some old hag in the sixties. I was happy to see that the three tongue appearances and Tim’s comment about them made the cut. Both of my kids can do that same thing with their tongues (so can their mom and so can Linda, but you don’t know who Linda is). Pretty cool.

Suzie: Bring It On Home To Me. When I first heard the producer at the taping announce the songs, I thought Suzie had received Bring It On Home, by Led Zeppelin. Oh, goody, I mistakenly thought. I couldn’t wait to hear Suzie do her rendition of a faux old black blues guy. I didn’t hear the "To Me" part of the title, when it was announced - I was busy looking into Deanna’s shirt. Suzie did a fantastic job with this song. Hers is one of my favorite voices on the show. Although, we do not need two people looking like Gwen Stefani, so please put your hair back the way it was before. I fear (losing sleep over it) that she may end up in the bottom three only because the teeny-boppers staying up all night voting are not familiar with this song and do not appreciate a soulfully belted out tune. Also, I dug the giggle she gave us at the end of the song. I didn’t hear that at the taping.

Marty: Hit Me Baby One More Time. Marty was wrong, this is not a good song. He was coerced into saying that by the INXS in an effort to stay positive. The live energy he emitted at the show did not translate as powerfully through the TV screen. Consequently, where I thought he did awesome with the song on Sunday changed to I think he did a solid job with it when I saw it again tonight. His pitching was a little off, which I think Jon Farris stated (omitted), and it was more noticeable on TV. But, that’s a good thing - his talent doesn't lie in his pitch. His talent goes well beyond the pitch. I don’t want him to sing this song ever again, unless it’s a joke. Come to think of it, I enjoy all of the Lovehammers songs live more than recorded. That’s a testament to their ability to crank out an awesome show, and not a knock on their recorded songs - because I listen to them all the time (translated - a few times a month)

Deanna: I Can’t Make You Love Me. Chalk another one up for Dave with his comment about her not having that problem with any man. That reminds me, chalk up yet another one for Dave for his comment to Marty, regarding his uncomfort during Marty’s performance, because Marty was actually making him like the song. And keep the chalk going for Dave again on his other comment to Marty about how not only is that song out of Marty’s box, it’s out of the whole studio’s box. Dave has won me over. I want to be his best friend, but I fear that he may have lurking body guards, too. Who was I talking about? Right, Deanna. None of these songs are right for her. She wore that boob-window shirt for a reason - to keep everybody distracted from her niche voice. I think it worked on the band, but it won’t on the voting public.

JD: As Tears Go By. If Mick Jagger can instill more sensitivity and emotion into this song than you can, then you probably shouldn’t be singing it. I mean, Mick can hold his own, but he’s no Christopher Cross (which is something I’m sure Mick would be glad to hear). JD’s "la la’s" at the end of the song were pathetic. See above for the rest of it. I’m done with this dude. If for some reason, the JDidiots out there can get him elected to the INXS, I shant be buying any of their cd’s. For some reason, I’m thinking he’s an actor hired to cause trouble, like that one show, "My Fiancé is a Big, Giant Lard Ass" or whatever that was.

MiG: Baby I Love Your Way. MiG got Dave thinking about how much he loves his wife during that song. He got me thinking about how much Dennis Rodman probably loved Dave’s wife at one time. Truthfully, I did get a little choked up during MiG’s performance, but I will keep my girly-man thoughts to myself. But I will say this, I miss my high school Latin teacher, Mrs Hull (probably only three people reading this would understand that joke, but it was worth it). MiG sang this song beautifully, and most of the people I talked to at the taping agreed that he deserves the encore.

I’m guessing the bottom three will be Jessica, Deanna and Suzie. It should only be JD, but that is bad math. If there was only one thing you could say about INXS it would be that they are sticklers for good math, so there will definitely be a bottom of entirely three (insert Monty Python and the holy hand grenade bit here). Based on tonight’s performance alone, I would put JD, Deanna and Jessica in there (and Jessica would be included only to make the math work so that I don’t get another scathing progress report from Garry Beers).

I’m still getting my head back together after our whirlwind tour of Hollywood and thereabouts, so I’ll have a report on my perspective on the trip later this week. But, I will tell you that Daphna clung to my chair as she squatted (yes, squatted, right there in front of us) down to talk to StivOO_. She didn’t have much use for the rest of us. She did seem genuinely sweet and her ass wasn’t as big as I thought it was from seeing it on television. And, she looked better in person, overall, than on television.