Rock Star - Aug 28 Belated Moist Rub

I don’t get it. Don’t they know that each week somebody gets sent home? Are they under the impression that they all get to live in the mansion forever, so when somebody gets nixed by the INXS it hits them like a vat of onions? Where is all of this anguish coming from? At the very worst, given their knowledge of how this process works, being bummed out should be the extent of their emotional outpouring, which should be easily suppressed with a few beers and some cranked tunage . Sitting around listening to a morose song by the deceased is never going to help. It’s not like they are never going to see these people again. The goddam show ends in a few weeks. How do these people behave when something horrific happens, like when the bowling alley is out of your shoe size? Hide the Harakiri knives.

After the Deanna lamentation was finally over, thank Anu, Dave presented the Rockers with their next task - they were to cross the Bridge of Death, after first answering three questions from the old man from scene 24. It was either that or they had to lay down the vocals for the INXS’s new rad single, titled Us. I’m not sure which, I was biting my toenails at the time.

The fab five immediately started working together on the song, with MiG leading the way on the piano. They work so well together, MiG, Suzie, Ty, Jordis and Marty. If I were them, and I might be, I would give the INXS gig to JD, call Deanna back from her corner on Hollywood Boulevard, and form the new millennium version of the Brady Kids. Let’s see, Marty could be Greg, Deanna would be Marcia, Ty would be Peter, Suzie is Jan, MiG is Bobby, Jordis would be Cindy and Dave is Alice, of course. Garry Beers would be Sam the Butcher and bring the meat to DaveAlice, if you know what I mean. But then Ty’s voice would start changing and Marty would have to re-write the song so they don’t lose the loose change they put down to reserve the studio time.

Speaking of JD (I wasn’t, but I’m sure somebody was), I’ll have to side with his actions in this case. He took this opportunity to "put your foot into the future ass of INXS" (or something like that), as Dave put it, to take a nap. While he was dozing, the camera man placed a half full mug of beer on the music sheets of the new song on JD’s dresser and video taped him sleeping, with the mug of beer disgracing the genius of INXS looming in the foreground. This gave us all the impression that JD was dissing the integrity of the song by being too hammered to work on it. And we fell for it. They sure pulled the wool over my shorts on that one. The reason I take his side on this is that this is how I live my life. Naps take priority over just about everything but shitting. If you can’t do something half-ass, why do it all, right JD? If he keeps this up, he’ll be sitting next to me, working my 9 to 5 in the office of some heartless corporation. Actually, I work 8 to 4:30. More like 8:20 to 4:15, depending on traffic and boredom. At least it’s climate controlled, so my sweating is greatly reduced.

Eventually, they all tire themselves out and head to bed. All except Marty, that is. He stayed up to work on the song some more, because he had some ideas he didn’t want the others stealing. I notice that both MiG and Jordis like to go to bed fully clothed and with the lights on. Those crazy rock stars - always pushing the boundaries of sensible living.

The next morning they trip themselves to the studio for the recording session. Suzie goes first, but, oh no! - she’s got a throat full of phlegm (sure it’s phlegm). Like the warrior she is, she fights through her impediment (remember The Impediments with their song, Go Fuck Yourself? That was awesome.) to nail the song on her first take. Jon and Andrew are impressed, and one of them appears to say, "she has incredible pitch" - that’s what the subtitles said, anyway. I listened to it again with my eyes closed and I’m pretty sure he said, "she’s an incredible bitch", which I think was uncalled for and I’m going to write a letter. Jordis followed, and Andrew ended up punching her in the face for messing with his song. Jordis commented afterward that she hit it on the first take. Sure, she did, but she didn’t hit it the way they wanted her to. Next was Ty. I’m starting to agree with Sid that Ty is a cocky bastard. Although I do like the way he sings. They didn’t show much of him. Whatever, we’ve seen it before. Enter MiG and his Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark handbook. He proceeded to paste Marshmallow Fluff all over the song. The INXS seemed to enjoy it, especially Andrew, as he’s been known to spread Marshmallow Fluff on his twinkies. With some fine editing about the perils of being angry with songs of peace and understanding, they ushered Marty into the room. Jon and Andrew didn’t enjoy the "angry Marty" version of the song, so they asked him to change the key and chill out a bit. Which he did. And they were touched. Deeply. They also learned that Marty is fully capable of working with differing visions inside a band’s dynamics. He should put that on his resume. JD conferred with Jordis (I think) that he was just going to go in and sing it. How hard could it be, right? They showed him screwing up and admitting "My bad." It certainly wasn’t ours, dipshit, Andrew replied (edited out). The other Rockers mocked JD from the waiting room. That wasn’t very nice, but justified. I’m guessing he eventually pulled it off, and they are withholding that information from us so they can shock us later. I CAN’T WAIT!

Like Charly in Flowers For Algernon, they figured out that the cheese is always in the same place and finally beat the mouse to this week’s songs. Then they had sex with the hot Psychologist lady. Not much drama here, except that Suzie and MiG both wanted Bohemian Rhapsody. MiG suggested they mud wrestle for it. Suzie declined. I sense a boost in the ratings if that were to happen. In fact, I suggest this as a method of song selection for the rest of the shows. MiG eventually figured out that this song would doom him to the same fate as Deanna - the dreaded COMFORT ZONE!!! JD wasn’t as astute as he pounced on the Elvis song (Suspicious Minds) in the mousetrap. He’s gotta be a hired confederate in this show. How could anybody be that dumb? First he wings the INXS song, and now he chooses an obvious safety zone song for himself. I’m not buying it. The other songs are: Wish You Were Here (Marty), Live and Let Die (MiG), Can’t Always Get What You Want (Ty), Imagine (Jordis) and Dave will mix things up by performing his version of Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant.

At the end of the show, they showed Suzie having trouble with her song. She’ll pull it off; I’m not worried. They can’t trick me. I fell off the turnip truck weeks ago. Is it just me or does the House Band leader, Paul, act like his shit doesn’t stink? I’m tired of his cheeky musical suggestions. What do you know? If you’re so good, why aren’t you in a real band, like Wham? The show was nice enough to show us brief clips of the others rehearsing their songs so we would know which songs each are doing. I appreciate that. The producers care about me, I just know it.