Rock Star - Aug 31 Moist Rub

Tim started off the show by expressing concern for the people in New Orleans (I assume he meant all people in that area) traumatized by Hurricane Katrina. From what I’ve seen, it sucks big time down there. I’m glad there aren’t any unscrupulous curs that would make the situation worse by looting the victims and distracting the police who are tying to maintain order until the clean up is done. Man, people suck sometimes. Tim and the rest of the guys were gracious to make a donation to the Red Cross to aid those people. Helps balance out the fuckwads in this world and preserve the Karma. Brooke added, "Our hearts go out to everyone." Thanks for the sentiment, Brooke, but let's focus our intentions on just the hurricane victims.

The INXS and Dave deemed Suzie’s Bohemian Rhapsody performance one of epic caliber. Or maybe they said it should be on Epic records. They awarded her the encore. She hopped agog and started hugging the other Rockers as she pushed them aside to make her way to the stage. Not so fast, Suzie Sweetcheeks. Last night’s show was so spectacular that the INXS wanted to relive at least a third of it. MiG took off his shoes and used all ten toes to do the math. He determined that would take about 2.176293 performances to equal a third of last night’s show. Marty explained to him the impracticality of having 0.176293th of a performance, and he told MiG about truncating as a method of rounding off numbers. Thusly, the INXS approved two encore performance and bequeathed Suzie the power of attorney to choose the opening act. Without hesitation (maybe due to editing) she chose Mr. Marty Casey. She wants him bad. I can’t wait for the cat fight episode between Suzie and Jordis. It’ll be primal. (Check out www.catfightband.com. Rockin’ chicks.)

Marty chose to dish out a Raga/Gregorian Chant version of Wish You Were Here, but he switched it back at the last second when he realized the band was playing it the regular way. Marty copped some David Bowie stature out there tonight. I think it may have been the hair combing, since that sense went away after he mussed up the do a little. Marty baked it. Dude, he baked the cake! It was better than last night, which is hard to do since we’re usually bored to cranium dust with the songs by Wednesday. The performance got Garry Beers shedding some tears, and he and the rest of the INXS obliged with the standing ‘O’. Afterward, Marty gave Suzie a big hug and whispered in her ear, "I like Jordis better and we even made out - I still have a little bit of her spit in my mouth." But, it didn’t phase her. She bashed it up again, baby. I don’t care what any of you nay-sayers say (which I presume is "nay"), she quaked that song, even if she didn’t hit the glass breaker. Besides, Roger Taylor hits the high note in that song; Freddie Mercury doesn’t.

They took us back to the mansion shenanigans. As we’ve already learned, MiG is good at math. And, it’s a good thing, too. He was able to put everything into perspective for the other Rockers by figuring that if there are only six of them left, and three make the bottom three, almost half of them will be in the bottom three. He did that without even taking off his shoes.

Then the fun started. JD confronted Suzie regarding her nefarious bashing of him. How dare she!? What did she say again? It must have been some heinous attack on his character for him to be so offended. Yes, that’s right, she made a comment about the extended length of time he spent in the recording studio. Dems fightin’ woids! What does that even mean? Is that a good or bad thing? She didn’t say he spent a long time in the studio and therefore he must have sucked huge ass! The statement was utterly harmless. And that was enough to piss off JD. If that’s all it takes, for his peace of mind, I hope he never reads this blog. He’ll come after me and try to run over me with his house (I can’t make the ‘living in a car’ jokes too much longer, since the JDidiots are going to make him rich soon). Suzie should have roasted him. Instead, she cowered and tried to make peace by saying she was "genu-eye-nly" sorry (gotta dig that Canadian accent. Well, I guess you don’t gotta, but I do). At least JD was mature about it when he said, "I don’t think you’re my friend." To which Suzie should have replied, "No shit, you are a prick and a half." During this, we switched back and forth to the others reaming JD more than Suzie ever did. Ty calls JD a bully (which is nothing compared to what he calls the INXS later in the show. More coming on that.) They probably cut out all of the tasteless, fun jabs the Rockers took at him. Like when Jordis said something about him being hung like a gnat. Had he been exposed to this lashing, JD’s only recourse would have been to create an imaginary friend named, The JDster. Do imaginary friends use only imaginary numbers? Let’s ask MiG*i .

We picked up the discussion at the fake Mayan. The INXS called upon Marty to make some sense out of this mess. He correctly diagnosed JD’s issue as being of the insecurity variety (probably due to JD being hung like a gnat). Then, Marty made one of the most true statements ever heard on the show (because it is exactly what I stated blogs ago, so it has to be true). The drama on this show should be limited to what happens on the stage. He must be a genius! He went on to say stuff about focusing on the goal, staying the course, a thousand points of light, no new taxes, etc...he lost me there. Ty was called to the pulpit next. He proceeded to jam his nose right through JD’s sphincter by saying JD has too much talent to resort to these kinds of antics. Obviously, he doesn’t. Which show are you watching? Suzie, who seems destined to be a battered wife, blames herself and claims she hurt JD. Listen up, Suzie. JD’s skin is so thin, you could hurt him with the jawbone of an imaginary ass (named The JDster). What Suzie needs is a kind, gentle, warm-hearted man, like me, because she deserves it and she’s going to be rich. JD glosses over the entire controversy by saying "I’m just here to sing. I have no idea who these people are or what they are talking about." The INXS agrees, "Right JD, this isn’t about you. Sorry to bother you." They changed the subject by asking Jordis what her feelings were about making the bottom three. She said she couldn’t make it because she had to catch a bus. Then to MiG, why do you love the bottom three? MiG likes having his head on the chopping block if that’s what the INXS wants him to do. Then to Marty - bottom three? Marty would be proud to be there. Dave chimed in, "That’s enough bullshit, let’s get on with this."

All but Suzie raised their hands when Brooke asked who believes they would be in the bottom three. Suzie eventually raised her hand out of perceived peer pressure. I’m tellin’ ya, Suzie, some guy is going to end up taking advantage of you and slapping you around (seriously, I think that may actually happen, given her propensity for doormatness, which would be totally uncool). Take me up on my offer. I’ll protect you and your money. Again with the standing up of the early bottom three from last night: JD, Ty and Marty. Stand up, sit down, stand up, roll over...what is this - CHURCH? Jordis also had to stand because she made her way to the final three at some point, too. MiG and Suzie were safe. An admirable note about Suzie: she has no problem letting her happiness shine through when something good happens to her, instead of trying to cover it up with feigned concern about the welfare of the more unfortunate Rockers. I like that.

Finally, on to the elimination performances. This was much easier when it was a half hour episode.

JD - This Time. Not horrible. But I’ll say it again - I don’t like his voice. I know I say that a lot, but I’m only doing it to keep up with the number of times he tells us he really wants to be the new lead singer of INXS. That’s fair, I think. He was pitchy and got a little lazy with his stage movements. The INXS asked him how he feels singing an INXS song. As evidenced by his brown eyes, he was full of shit with his answer, comparing it to the impossibility of describing a favorite summer as a kid. Well, JD, let me take a crack at it. It was my first summer of puberty. My parents were never home, so we had keg parties all of the time. I was drunk every day, and Chrissie Hynde showed me what that hole was for. And that’s the abridged version. I could go on, but I have to get to bed. Admit it, you have no idea what is going on, do you, JD?

Ty- The One Thing. He had pits. I told you that’s why he holds the microphone that way. He stated he was excited and heartbroken to be in the bottom three. It's not easy being a living oxymoron. Just wait a little bit, you’ll wish you were in the bottom three next week. I’ve enjoyed Ty’s voice in every song until now (and maybe Everlong). He did not know how to sing this song. His phrasing was too direct and his voice lacked sensuality. Add to that his lyric flub and his oblivious smugness and you have a big pot of ‘uh oh’. The irony here is that he told the INXS that it was his soul that set him apart from the rest of the Rockers, yet I sensed absolutely no soul in his performance of this song, which happened to be an INXS song, I believe.

Brooke tricked Marty into believing he was number three, or do you say the holy ghost? Marty’s fans banned together to give him the most celebrated comeback since Jerry Stiller. It was Jordis nobody liked. It wasn’t Marty at all. That kooky Brooke.

Jordis - Listen Like Thieves. It was the best of times. It was the not so best of times, especially in the bridge. She held her own, but seemed a little unsure of what she was doing with the song. She may be able to sing it better with more rehearsal. That could be said for most on them. So, Jordis, what can you bring to the INXS? She didn’t know. C’mon, she’s only 23, for Crimean sakes. She doesn’t even know what she has to bring yet. Just bring your toothbrush, a dread comb and a change of underwear, the band will handle the rest. She said she’ll bring an open book (Sea Wolf by Jack London) and a young talent (Macaulay Culkin). What she would bring is a pretty darned unique voice. Can’t you guys hear? But, before I’d hire her, I’d give Angus Young a call and have him teach her how to move around a stage. She’s a little stoic.

Tim informed them that they all blow. At least tonight they did. He told them that this decision was very difficult for them, but it didn’t keep him from telling them how bad they were. Bitter sweet, I suppose. They couldn’t decide, so they let the Bozo arrows pick the loser. And the Bozo arrows pointed to TY!!!!. Based on tonight’s performance alone, I would agree. Overall, I would have booted JD (big shocker, huh?). Ty was devastated. It pained him to speak. Then he did it. He pulled the race card. He stated that his people are not sufficiently represented in rock ‘n roll. Unless he was talking about people with arm pit sweat and pointy mohawks, I assume he was talking about African-Americans. Basically, he insinuated that INXS’s motives in letting him go were tainted with racism. That’s a shame. I’m not saying it didn’t play a factor in their decision (I have no idea either way), but there has been no evidence of that being the case. It’s unfair to INXS, and it’s unfair to those that are truly hindered by racist actions. Maybe his deflated condition led him down that path. I don’t know. He finished by letting the other Rockers know how much they meant to him. Now, that was bitter sweet. I hope, after his emotions level off, he rethinks what he implied about race playing a role in the final decision. Unless, of course, he can show it really did. If that’s the case, I say whale on them.

I still think it should have been JD. It was the perfect time to launch him after Marty commanded that the drama should be left on the stage. This rendered the drama clown obsolete like Aunt Bea's chastity belt. The JD rash will remain for another week. Hopefully, the pharmacy will deliver the ointment by then.